


For You, Always.

by Butlercream



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Major Character Injury, Post-Trespasser, Pregnancy, Slow Build, so many cameos Im starting to think I have an actual problem
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-22
Packaged: 2018-05-22 06:13:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 26
Words: 86,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6068203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Butlercream/pseuds/Butlercream
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Tresspaser fic. Cullen sustains a brain injury that makes him forget his life after Kirkwall. This is especially problematic to his mage wife.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I would like to dedicate this to Caroline, who lets me bounce ideas off her and helped me come up with a lot of this fic.

                It had been a long honeymoon. There was constant correspondence from Orlais with Divine Victoria, trying to figure out what they would do next. Cullen was doing the best he could to keep them all on top of things and ready for anything, but they had been hit rather hard. Sphaera was possibly hit the hardest.

                She had lost everything, and for a while she was devastated. Cullen supported her, just like she had supported him. Eventually she pulled through, but there were still days when her regrets ran rampant and her losses hit heavy. Those days she pushed through with the stoicism that Cullen had given her for so many years, commanding her army. She felt it was her duty. Even if it seemed like things had calmed down, she had to keep her guard up.

                In spite of it all, Cullen and Sphaera settled into married life quite contentedly. They rented a small cabin on the banks of Lake Calenhad until they could find themselves a proper home.

                Sphaera fell so easily into his routines. He got up early to exercise. While he was doing that she made tea for them both. He cooked, she tidied up when he was done. It was like a dance. They were constantly maneuvering around each other with the grace of a couple who knew how the other moved. It always got Sphaera thinking about how amazing they would be on the battlefield together. She quickly wiped away those thoughts, though. It was not a time for fighting. Strategy was key now. Perhaps they would get a chance to fight together again, but for the time being, she was getting used to only having one hand to work with, and that was challenging enough.

 

                It was a hot summer day when Cullen announced they had officially run out of anything to eat.

                “Shall we go into town, then?” Sphaera asked. “I have been getting a bit tired of this cabin.”

                “Right.” Cullen turned to his mabari. “Guard the house, pup.” The dog rose his head and barked.

                Sphaera saddled up her bog unicorn, Cullen saddled up his horse, and they started for town.

                It was a rather long ride through the woods to get to town, and it was small enough to be inconsequential. It wasn’t even big enough for a chantry. That was possibly what pleased Sphaera the most about it.

                The stigma around mages often caused Sphaera to leave her staff at home, but Cullen was almost always found with his sword on his belt whenever they left the cabin. She didn’t question it. She knew he had been a soldier too long and had seen too much to feel like he could ever be parted from it. It was enough of a miracle he had shed his armour for a cloth shirt and leather vest. Besides, the hilt of his sword gave him a place to rest his hands, although it was always fun to watch him reach for it when it was not there.

                The ride was scenic, and while Sphaera watched a flock of birds fly overhead, Cullen recounted a tale from one of his encounters in Skyhold while she had been away.

                “You should have seen the way Josephine’s…” Cullen’s sentence trailed off, causing Sphaera to look over at him in concern. His brow was furrowed and his eyes narrowed. The half-smile that had been on his face had fallen into a serious and grim line. He was listening for something.

                Sphaera was about to stop when he suddenly maneuvered his horse to the other side of her.

                “We should—“ Cullen interrupted himself to suddenly pushed Sphaera down, sending her face-first into her horse’s mane. She heard something whiz past her head. Her mount ran. Sphaera clung on for dear life, lifting her head to avoid being hit in the face by the unicorn’s neck.

                When her mind caught up with the action, Sphaera pulled the reigns back nearly to her hip. The bog unicorn danced and let out one of his demonic neighs in protest. Sphaera got him turned around and galloped back from where they came from. Her heart raced with adrenaline and her thoughts focused on Cullen, fighting alone.

                As she approached, she could see Cullen was on the ground, his curls loose and body still. His horse was nowhere to be seen. A cloaked figure stood over his body. Their head snapped up at the sound of hooves pounding on the ground. They pulled an arrow out.

                “For Fereldan!” they shouted, aiming their bow at her.

                 Sphaera threw a fireball. Then she threw another, and another. The blind rage that filled her was enough to send a thousand fireballs without a drop of lyrium to aid her. She slowed to a stop when she neared Cullen. By the time she dismounted, her attacker had fallen to the ground, and their screams had died down.

                She only offered the body half a glance. Radicals who believed keeping her alive was a mistake were not new. Many believed she would only try to rise against the Fereldan or Orlesian governments again. It was the first time they had actually made an attempt to kill her, though. Most of them wanted a public execution. She had heard the speeches, and gotten letters from her friends warning her from visiting certain places where these radicals were rampant. She tried to stay out of their way.

                This one seemed to be alone, and much too close to her current home for her to feel comfortable. They were still burning away, and she doubted they would be much more than a crisp when they were found. She did not dwell on it because she didn’t care. Perhaps once she would have, but not anymore.

                Sphaera fell to her knees beside Cullen, desperately trying to figure out what she needed to do. There was blood under his head, but it wasn’t enough to concern her yet. There was also a rather nasty bruise on his cheek. She doubted it was the archer, based on the size of it. His horse probably threw him off and clipped him with her hoof in her panic.

                She pressed a couple fingers to his neck. His heart was still beating. Relief washed over her. She ripped a strip of linen from her skirt to bandage up his head while she thought. She needed to work, keep her hands busy so her worry didn’t take over her judgement.

                There was some sort of healer in the village. Cullen had made sure of that. The village was still much farther away than the cabin, though. They had no servants and message receiving and sending was less than reliable where they were. At the same time, she had no idea what his condition was like, and she had no idea how she was getting him on her horse, considering he was twice her size.

                If she left him Mythal knows what would happen to him. She couldn’t just leave him out in the open like this.

                She pushed herself off the ground with a huff. She gathered her magic and concentrated very hard. It was just like all the boulders she had moved in her Inquisition days. A simple spell to move him onto the unicorn.

                She was not used to it, and it was straining. The bog unicorn became skittish when Cullen floated towards him. Sphaera murmured a few soothing words. The bog unicorn complied begrudgingly.

                When Cullen was slumped properly onto the back of the unicorn, Sphaera got on. With only one hand she couldn’t hold onto him as tightly as felt safe, but she made for the cabin anyway.

                Grazing in the small paddock beside the cabin was Cullen’s horse, safe and sound. Sphaera sighed, and got Cullen into a bed before dealing with the ornery stallion.

                She sent Cullen’s mabari, Dorf, with a note to the healer in town, then got the horses settled and fenced in. They had a full water trough and a field of grass to munch on, and she wasn’t certain the bog unicorn even ate, so she wasn’t too concerned about them.

                All thoughts of getting food were gone from her mind. She pulled a chair up beside the bed and held Cullen’s hand, letting her mind spiral into worry. All she could do now was keep an eye on him and wait for the healer.

                The healer came as fast as she could, but it still felt like a century. Dorf came barrelling in, barking to announce her. Sphaera stood only to greet her, then sat back at Cullen’s side.

                Dorf used Sphaera’s lap to prop himself up on his back legs so he could see Cullen. Sphaera sent him into the other room for being a nuisance. The mabari shrunk and his ears flattened as he trudged out of the room. She felt bad for it later, but she needed the healer to do her job, and Sphaera’s patience was incredibly thin.

                “A broken arm, two broken ribs…Bruising…” the healer listed off. She lifted Cullen’s eyelids. “Definitely has a brain injury. The fact that he hasn’t woken up yet is a bad sign, I’m afraid.” She dropped Cullen’s eyelids and looked to Sphaera. “I can put his arm in a splint and try to bandage up his chest so the ribs heal correctly, but I can’t tell you how bad his head injury is until he wakes up.” She said.

                “When will that be?” Sphaera asked.

                “I don’t know.” Sphaera sighed, hanging her head at the news. She was helpless to do anything for him. She didn’t even have faith to guide her anymore.

                “Do what you must. I’ll contact you when he wakes up.” She said.

                The doctor patched Cullen up and left without a word. When she was gone Dorf came trudging back in and flopped himself at her feet, ears lowered. He seemed about as devastated as she was.


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The longer it takes for Cullen to wake up, the more Sphaera panics and questions her beliefs.

               By the time the sun was setting Sphaera was more concerned than ever. Her quest for food forgotten, she did not eat, and she definitely didn’t feel like sleeping. Dorf had laid at her feet, occasionally whining and nudging her in a sad attempt at comfort.  

               Sphaera knew she would have to inform everyone. But at the time she needed immediate support. Cullen was not the only thing she had left. She had friends all across Thedas, ready to offer her any support they could supply.

               She pulled out the crystal Dorian had given her.

               “Dorian…Are you busy?” she asked softly into it.

               “Hold on.” Dorian said. She heard a muffled “I must take this, I do apologise.” There was a pause, and then she heard his voice again. “Thank the Maker. You’ve saved me from a conversation with the most wretched old woman.”

               “Are you at a ball?” The sound of her friend’s voice was such a comfort to her that the events of the day all seemed to crash in on her at once. Tears started to surface at the sound of his voice. She hadn’t realised how much she had missed it.

               “Yes, yes. Don’t worry, I won’t miss it too much.” Dorian’s tone was his usual, optimistically sarcastic voice.

               “Oh good.” Sphaera said, and half meant it. She let out a soft sigh to steady her voice and her emotions.

               “Are you alright? Your voice sounds…off…” Dorian said, concern creeping into his voice.

               “I got attacked today by one of those radicals.” Sphaera said.

               “Oh dear. We can’t have that, I rather like you alive.” Dorian said. “Though people trying to kill you is not particularly new. Rather like old times, in fact.” Although he didn’t say it, she knew what he was asking. He knew she was not upset by a stray radical.

               “Cullen got thrown off his horse in the attack.” Sphaera said. The tears itched at the back of her eyes. She blinked them away. “It’s been a full day and he still hasn’t woken up.” She looked to Cullen and took a shaky breath, collecting herself. It was not easy to see him bruised and bandaged. Dorian paused for only a moment, but it stretched on, adding only to the silence in a previously happy house.

               “Your Commander has the thickest skull I have ever seen, and a stubbornness to match it.” Dorian said. “He will wake up, and he will be fine. Understood? Drive all those nasty little thoughts floating in your head away and burn them.”

               “I will try. Thank you Dorian.” Sphaera said softly.

               “Are you going to be alright?” Dorian asked. “I think Bull might be in the area if you need an extra hand. Literally and figuratively.” Sphaera gave Dorian soft chuckle she didn’t at all feel. In truth, the loss of her arm was still a tender spot, though she would never admit it.

               “I’ll be alright.” Sphaera said. “You’re in the middle of something. I’ll call you later.”

               “Keep me updated.” Dorian said. “And talk to me if you need to.”

               “I will. Enjoy your party.” She heard a groan of disgust at the idea before Dorian left her alone with Dorf again.

               She shot a look at Cullen. This was clearly serious. She would have to send letters. The thought made her heart sink into her stomach. It was the last thing she wanted to do. She suddenly understood what she had put Varric through. She hadn’t apologised enough. She would never be able to.

               Sphaera decided to leave the letters until after he woke up, when she had a proper diagnosis of how bad it was. Then a thought struck her that made her blood freeze.

               It was possible that Cullen would not wake up from this. It was possible that this, after everything, could be the thing that killed him. It didn’t seem fair or right. After everything he fought to protect, fought to redeem himself for, only to die falling off a horse. He deserved better.

               She wanted to curl up next to him, to just be near him, but she was afraid it would only worsen his injuries. She pushed her chair closer to the bedside and grasped his hand like it was the last thing on earth.

 

                The next day was not any better. Sphaera stayed by Cullen’s side. She watched his breaths carefully. Every breath had her on the edge of her seat, wondering, dreading it would be his last.

                She got up only to retrieve water from the lake to dab on his forehead and lips. She didn’t know what else to do. She wanted to keep him hydrated and cool, but she didn’t want him to choke on whatever she fed him.

                Dorf pawed at her feet and barked at her at one point in the mid-afternoon. She looked at the poor thing. He was taking it hard too, and was probably hungry.

                “We don’t have any more food, Dorf.” She said. She looked at Cullen, then back at the dog. She couldn’t starve the mabari just because she didn’t want to eat herself. Besides, if Cullen woke up soon he would probably be hungry as well.

                “Fenedhis.” Sphaera groaned. “Watch him.” She ordered the dog.

                She rode into town at a gallop. The ride had her more on edge than usual, watching every tree and bush for assailants. When she got into town she found the general store and bought what she could fit in her saddlebags before riding back. The entire time her mind reeled with possibilities. What if he stopped breathing while she was away? What if he woke up and she was gone?

                She tossed her food on the dining table. She took out a slab of meat and left the rest there to sort later. She tossed down the meat in front of Dorf as she took her seat again.

                He sniffed at it, but ultimately shoved it towards her with his nose.

                “I’m fine.” Sphaera said, nudging it back with her foot. “Eat. He needs his mabari in good shape.” Dorf barked at her. She gave him a steady stare back. “I’ll eat later.” She lied. She didn’t feel like eating.

                Dorf whined about it, but complied with her orders. She wasn’t Cullen, she knew she had no real authority over the dog, but they seemed to have a mutual agreement between one another.

Sphaera’s eyes drifted from him to Cullen again. She would not leave his side again until he was awake. She couldn’t.

                As the sun lowered and the room got darker Sphaera started to panic again. She grasped Cullen’s hand tightly in hers and pressed it against her forehead. It was killing her that she couldn’t do anything. It was killing her that she didn’t know how bad it was.

                “Creators, Cullen…” Sphaera choked out. “What do you want me to do? Tell me, is there something I have to do? How do I get you to wake up?” she felt her chest tighten. She felt tears building up behind her eyes.

                If this was before, she would have prayed to her creators for him. She would have prayed to each one individually and repetitively until he woke up. Now, she knew that it wouldn’t help. All of the creators were dead.

                “There has to be someone, some _being_ who can help you. The only one left of mine is Fen’Harel, and he cannot hear me any more than he can help you…” Sphaera said. She let out a soft gasp as the tears started pouring down her cheeks without her permission. Her body was shaking, wracked with sobs. Who could she turn to?

                “If not mine…” Sphaera took a deep breath, racking her brain for the right words. The words Cullen uttered when he was particularly troubled. She had started to think of them more as his personal mantra than a prayer, but in all technicality, the words belonged to the Chantry. Now she would take them for herself.

                Of course she didn’t believe in the Maker. The Chantry had been her main oppressor for years, and she would never truly follow them. But Cullen believed in the Maker, and Sphaera had nowhere else to turn. If there was even a chance that Cullen and the Chantry were right, that there was a Maker, she knew he was not watching over her. But she did not need help, Cullen did. So she did something out of pure desperation she never thought she would do.

                “Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and wicked and do not falter.” She whispered the words into his hand. Screw the Maker, maybe her frantic prayer was to him. He was a constant, a certainty, or as much of one as her faith had once brought her. He was something to fight for. “Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just…Blessed are…blessed…” she couldn’t remember the rest of the words, but she was crying too hard for it to matter anyway. It felt wrong, praying to the Maker. She felt like she was talking to the air.

                Dorf set his head on her lap in an attempt at comfort.

                “Please wake up…” Sphaera choked out. “Cullen, please…”

                She sat, crying until she fell asleep, leaning on the edge of the bed and clinging to his hand.


	3. Chapter 2

                The next morning she was awoken by a movement in his fingers. She was wide awake in a second, rising from her chair. Her hand let go of his so she could see it, watch to see if it moved again.  

                He groaned. Her heart leapt from her chest. His eyes blinked and squinted against the light pouring into the room from the modest windows. His beautiful eyes she was afraid she would never see again. She brushed away any evidence on her face of dried tears and fiddled with the edge of her shirt nervously.  

                “What—Where am I?” Cullen muttered, his brow furrowing in confusion. He moved to get up, she placed a gentle hand on his shoulder to keep him down. A thread of concern coiled around her mind. They had lived in the room for a few months now, it was odd for him not to recognise it. Still, she assumed he would be disorientated.

                “You have a broken arm, two broken ribs and a very sore head, I would imagine. Lie still.” Sphaera said in a soft tone. “We’re in a cottage in Fereldan on the edge of Lake Calenhad.”

                “No, that isn’t right.” Cullen said, examining the room closely, his eyes lingering on the sword leaned up against the wall. “How would I get there?”

                “What do you remember?” Sphaera asked softly, trying not to show him there was a chill running down her spine. His eyes turned to her, examining her as if just realising she was there.

                “Fighting.” Cullen said, he seemed rather perplexed by the question himself. It was a rather vague answer, he did a lot of fighting in his lifetime, so Sphaera waited for more. “Kirkwall…there was…” his eyes widened. “The Knight Commander! I have to go back, everything must be in total chaos!” he said, lifting off his covers and swinging his legs over the side with a grimace of pain.

                “Creators! You’re going to hurt yourself!” Sphaera scolded. “Cullen that was nine years ago. Nearly ten now.” She said softer.

Sphaera’s heart was thumping loudly in her chest. She had her hand outstretched towards him like she was trying to tame an angry lion.

 She couldn’t believe it. Cullen didn’t remember ten years of his life. He didn’t remember her. He didn’t remember the Inquisition. She had asked for him to wake up, but she had not even begun to fathom what would happen when he did. She couldn’t have expected this. It was so much lost time.

                “What?!” Cullen asked in alarm. “That can’t be true!” he was frozen, his good arm used to steady him on the bed.

                “I’m afraid it is.” Sphaera sighed, lowering her arm. “Kirkwall is fine. You can see it for yourself, if you want, when you’ve gotten better.” She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but it ended up being a bit condescending because of her sheer panic. She was only good at faking polite smiles, not comforting ones. He let out a sigh she couldn’t quite identify and got back in bed.

                “I’ll make you some tea for the pain.” Sphaera said, starting for the door.

                “Don’t bother.” Cullen grunted. “How long has it been since I’ve had lyrium?” Sphaera froze in her place. She slowly turned to Cullen. This was hardly a conversation she wanted to have right now.

                “You haven’t taken lyrium in nearly six years.” She winced, unsure his reaction would be a good one.

                “I…How?” Cullen looked perplexed. Sphaera let out a soft sigh. Honestly she had no idea. She had heard rumours of lyrium deprivation killing Templars, and yet he had led the Inquisition’s forces to glory without a drop.

                 “I think it was a fine mixture of the right friends and your own strength. It was rather extraordinary, actually.” She felt her cheeks heating up as if she were back at Haven, awkwardly flirting with him. It felt like she was just meeting him again. He looked at her as if she was a stranger, and possibly a threat. “I’ll go get your tea. Call if you need anything.”

                “That might be difficult. You haven’t mentioned your name.” Cullen pointed out, adjusting himself on the bed with a furrowed brow of discontent. Sphaera paused, hand on the doorframe.

                “Sphaera.” She said softly. “Just Sphaera will be fine.” Introducing herself to her own husband. It was the final blow in a long drawn out battle she had been fighting since the events at the Exalted Council.  

                She left to make him tea, feeling flustered and broken-hearted. It was his face, his voice, his mannerisms, but without the tenderness towards her that she had become so accustomed to. He didn’t even know her name. She didn’t know where he stood on mages. She doubted he would appreciate the fact he was married to a necromancer.

                As she headed out the door she nearly toppled right over Dorf, who was curled up in front of it. He rose his head, giving her a startled look. She must have woke him up. She scratched behind his ears, standing between him and Cullen.

                “I’m sending the dog your way, is that alright?” Sphaera called over her shoulder. She wouldn’t dare look at him again. Not right away. Not unless she had to.

                “The dog?” Cullen’s confusion seemed a bit more joyful at this idea. Dorf moved his head around Sphaera to look at his owner in glee.

                “His name is Dorf. You rescued him from the Orlesians.” Sphaera said over her shoulder. Dorf rose to his feet, his tiny nub of a tail wagging in excitement. “Be gentle. He’s still healing.” Dorf barked happily.

                She stepped aside and let Dorf go bounding towards the bed, barking excitedly. She headed out into the hall.

                “Maker’s Breath!” she heard Cullen exclaim through gritted teeth.

                “Dorf!” Sphaera ordered. “Gentle!” she heard a chuff noise in response.

                “It’s quite alright.” Cullen called back. “He’s just excited.”

                She sighed, leaving Cullen with his mabari. She set the water boiling on the stove, writing a quick letter to the healer. She would have to, of course, write some letters explaining what happened to both of their family and friends. She would worry about that later, right now she needed to make Cullen something for the pain.

                She had some herbs already together for such occasions, given the phantom pains she still got in her arm and the headaches Cullen often got. She made up a couple cups of tea, deciding that she needed something warm to drink. It wouldn’t be any harm to her, after all.

                She placed the cups on a tray and balanced it on her arm, pressing the edge of the tray against her chest for extra balance. She was getting better at dealing with one arm. She had developed quite a few tricks.

                When she returned to the room Cullen had a smile on his face and was petting the mabari that was laying across his legs. Sphaera’s mouth twitched up at the way the war dog was flopped with his tongue lolled out, making him look like he was grinning too.

                She set the tea on the bedside table. She handed Cullen his cup. He barely glanced up from his mabari to take it. She tried not to get offended.

                “Dorf, I need you to deliver a message to the healer. It’s on the table. ” Sphaera said, cradling her own tea, trying to suck any warmth from it into her body. She wasn’t cold, but it was comforting. She needed comfort now, more than ever.

                “You aren’t a healer?” Cullen asked, looking at his tea warily. He let out a grunt as Dorf jumped from his lap to the floor. Luckily Cullen’s reflexes had saved his tea from spilling. Sphaera glared at the war dog for not being more careful. He shot a glance back at Cullen with a whine before leaving.

                “My brother is the healer of the clan. I picked up a bit of herbalism from him. Mostly teas.” Sphaera explained before taking a sip of her tea.

                Cullen observed her. He looked more confused by her statement.

                “Then why are you here? I mean…Are you a friend of mine?” Cullen asked slowly. Sphaera opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by another voice coming from the crystal hanging around her neck.

                “Sphaera? How are you doing?” Dorian said. Sphaera set down her tea to hold the crystal closer to her face. She was a mixture of relieved and frustrated at Dorian’s interruption. She knew explaining who she was would be awkward, but the last thing she needed in the situation was a magister talking to her through a magic crystal.

 Cullen frowned at the crystal, clearly uncertain about it.

“I haven’t heard from you. How is the husband? Has he woken up yet?” Dorian continued. Sphaera internally cringed.

                “You’re…Maker’s Breath, you’re my wife?!” Cullen asked, wide-eyed. He looked to her hand, and the ring around her finger, then looked to his own hands, his eyes focusing on the similar ring around his own finger.

                “One of my most impressive titles, yes.” Sphaera said with a soft and sheepish smile.

                “Ah.” Dorian said. “So I see he’s awake. Hello Cullen.” Cullen looked so shaken that Sphaera had to blink away.

                “He’s lost about ten years of memories.” Sphaera said. “So thank you for breaking the news to him gently.” She said dryly. “I have to go. I’ll call you later.”

                “Right. Sorry.” Dorian said. “Goodbye.” And without another word he was gone. Cullen was staring at her in shock.

                “Sorry about that.” Sphaera said, as casually as she could manage. “Our magister friend there gave me this crystal so we could talk. Or interrupt conversations, in most cases. As you’ve seen.” She was babbling. He was staring at her so harshly, she was afraid what he would do if he discovered she was a mage. It wasn’t a lie, Dorian had given her the magic crystal around her neck, but she didn’t want him to think she had powered it with her magic. He couldn’t know yet. He already saw her as a stranger, she couldn’t handle him looking at her like an abomination as well.

                “This is…This has to be some sort of joke.” He said. She looked away. She couldn’t look him in the eye. He was devastated, and that stung more than anything else. “I can’t be married, I’m too busy. There is too much to be done. Even if Kirkwall is fine, why would I…?”

                “Of course there’s still work to be done.” Sphaera said. “But we made time for each other. To be honest both of us have worked ourselves past the point of exhaustion on numerous occasions. We spent the few hours we could together, and now we are…We have a bit of a break, I suppose. Some time to settle.”

                “So…We worked together? Is that how we met?” Cullen asked. Sphaera looked up at him, her mind blanking for a moment. There was so much information to give him she didn’t quite know what to say, or where to begin. She didn’t want to overload him with information.

                “You got recruited to be the Commander of the Inquisition by Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast. It is quite a long story, there was a conclave, a full war against an ancient magister archdemon, and I ended up being the Inquisitor. You were one of my advisors.”

                “Maker preserve me.” Cullen grunted, laying back on his propped up pillows.

                “I’m sorry. It’s a lot to take in.” Sphaera said.

                “It’s…Yes…” Cullen sighed.

                “I should…Make something to eat. You must be starving. And there are so many letters to write…” Sphaera said. She took a step away from him. He didn’t acknowledge her, didn’t even look her way. He just ran a hand through his hair tiredly.

She hurried out of the room. She didn’t know if she had as much to come to terms with as Cullen did, but she had enough. She had lost her Inquisition, her friends had scattered across Thedas, she had given up her clan life for Cullen, and now even he didn’t remember her.

                She pushed it to the back of her mind, focusing on writing letters. There was work still to be done. She couldn’t dwell on her own pain, and she had spent enough time already on self-pity.


	4. Chapter 3

                The healer’s arrival was announced by Dorf crashing through the front door. Sphaera stood up as the healer made her way cautiously inside. She straightened when she saw Sphaera and gave her a polite smile.

                “So he’s awake?” the healer asked.

                “In the room.” Sphaera said, gesturing towards the bedroom door down the hall. The healer gave her a short nod and headed into the room. Sphaera followed her, stopping at the doorway.

                She found she had difficulty going any further. It felt like she was no longer allowed in that room. She should not be sharing a space with him right now. The feeling stung, but she bit back the pain and leaned on the doorframe. Her feelings were hardly important now. Not when Cullen had lost ten years of his life. She could only imagine how terrifying that would be.

                “Hello, Ser Rutherford.” The healer said brightly, setting her bag down on the chair Sphaera had seated herself in the last few days. She tried not to think about it too much. “I’m your healer. Sphaera said you’ve experienced some memory loss?” she asked.

                “Apparently I’ve lost ten years…” Cullen sighed. “The last thing I remember I was in Kirkwall.”

                The healer checked his bandages.

                “Have you experienced any headaches or dizziness? Felt faint? Any problems with your vision or focusing on anything?”

                “I have a headache, but nothing more.” Cullen replied. He glanced at Sphaera nervously. She tensed. He didn’t want her there.

                It was like being around a stranger and yet knowing all of his mannerisms, being able to read even the slightest change in his expressions. It was years of time spent with him, learning to read him like a book, and in one instant it became completely one-sided.

                She thought back to the glances over the war table, the small upward twitch of his lips to remind her it was all going to be alright. The passing glances as they passed that resulted in her carrying a couple of mugs of much-needed tea to his office. She didn’t know if she would ever get that back. She didn’t know if he would let her get it back. She was an entirely separate life he lived. She represented his future, the unknown, lost time.

                “I should go check in on the horses.” Sphaera said. Cullen looked away from her. She turned on her heel and marched outside.

                She stopped in her tracks when she saw her staff leaning up against the wall beside the front door.

                A cold sliver of dread filled her. What if he had gotten up and seen it? Would he even give her a chance if he found out she was a mage? She snatched the staff up on her way out the door, heading for the stables.

                She shoved the staff under her arm and climbed the area to the small loft for hay. She buried it amidst the bales. She did not realise until the staff was out of sight that she had been holding her breath. She let it out in a heavy sigh.

                As she stared at the hay pile that now covered her staff, her thoughts turned to her attacker. What if that was only one of a much bigger group? She knew many people wanted her dead, but she never expected them to hit so close to where she was living. If they attacked again she would not have her staff, and Cullen was in no shape to fight or move.

                She shook her head. She already had enough to worry about. If someone attacked she and Dorf would handle it. Until then she would assume the attacker was a stray radical and nothing more.

                She climbed down the ladder and started getting to work caring for the horses. It kept her mind off Cullen.

                A few minutes later the healer’s voice broke her out of her thoughts and paused her laborious work.

                “Mrs. Rutherford-Lavellan?” Sphaera turned. “He is doing well. Aside from the gap in his memory, he seems to be functioning well. He may experience headaches or dizziness. If there’s anything else please don’t hesitate to come get me right away.” The healer said.

                “Will he get his memories back?” Sphaera asked. The healer paused.

                “I don’t know.” She pressed her lips together. “There are specialists in Val Royeaux who know more about this than I do. I’ve just seen enough farm boys hit over the head to know when it’s bad. Your husband is not one of the bad cases.”

                “Creators.” Sphaera mumbled. She really did not care to know how much worse it could get. “Thank you. I will let you know if anything else comes up.”

                “Good.” The healer said. “Make sure he doesn’t move around too much until his ribs are healed.” She said. Then she was gone.

                Sphaera finished up her work with the horses then headed back to the cabin. She stopped in front of the front door, taking a deep breath in. She had to talk to him. Otherwise he would be wary of her forever. She recalled how eager she had once been to talk with him. No matter how exhausted, or how much work there was to be done, Sphaera always found herself in his office right after returning from outside Skyhold. Now the thought of talking with him filled her with dread; like he was a flame and she had been burned one too many times.

                She pushed the door open and was surprised to hear shuffling coming from the kitchen. She assumed it was Dorf. When she rounded the corner she found Cullen there instead. Stretching with a grimace to reach the tea cups on the top shelf.

                “You probably shouldn’t be doing that.” Sphaera said. Cullen jumped, and let out a cry of pain as he did so, his hand retracting from the cupboard to fly automatically to his ribs. Sphaera’s eyes widened and she held out a hand to him in alarm.

                “Maker’s Breath! I didn’t hear you come in.” he grunted.

                “I’m sorry!” Sphaera said, instantly going to his side. “Are you alright?” she asked.

                “Fine.” Cullen said, taking a step away from her. He looked at the cupboard, wide-open. “I’m not used to only having the use of one hand.” He grumbled.

                “Well, I’d say ‘you’ll get used to it.’ But you won’t really have to.” Sphaera said with a good-humoured chuckle, pulling a chair from the small two-seater table in front of the cupboard. Cullen made room for her.

                “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-“ Cullen stammered. She turned to him. His cheeks had heated up and he was rubbing the back of his neck.

                “It’s fine.” She said. “Between us we almost make a single fully-functional person now.” She teased. He blinked at her before a polite smile flickered across his features. She turned away, mounting the chair. She may as well be an Orlesian noble, the way he was treating her.

                She retrieved a cup for Cullen and herself.

                “Are these what you were looking for?” she asked, looping her fingers around the handles so she could carry the two cups with one hand as she descended the chair.

                “Yes. Thank you.” He said. “You didn’t have to…I mean…You seem to be managing quite well on your own.” He said.

                “As I said. You get used to it.” Sphaera said, placing the cups on the table. “Were you trying to make the tea for the pain?” she asked, already setting the water to boil.

                “Yes, thank you.” He said. He stood awkwardly in the middle of the kitchen, looking at her like a lost puppy. “If you need me to do anything—“

                “You shouldn’t be doing _anything_ in your condition.” Sphaera scolded lightly. “It’s alright. Take a seat.” She said in a much lighter tone, shooting him a friendly smile. He hesitated, but dragged the chair back to the table and sat down, watching her as she made tea.

                “So…How did you lose it, if I may ask?” Cullen asked.

                “You will have to specify.” Sphaera said, her voice remaining calm but her face getting stony. She kept her back turned to him, focusing on the tea. He was the latest on the long list of things she had lost. She shook the thought from her head. He was not dead. She hadn’t lost him yet.

                “Your arm.” Cullen clarified. “Again, if you would rather not talk about it…”

                “It’s part of the very long story of the Inquisition.” Sphaera sighed. “In short: it was killing me, so we had to remove it. It was about a day after we got married. It was…”

                She thought back to the moment when Bull carried her out of the eluvian. She remembered Cullen’s face when he saw her, a mixture of relieved and horrified. She remembered only the unbearable pain, only his face when they took it off, only his voice, urging her to stay with him. She had. Now she was a stranger.

                “I’m sorry.” He said.

                “There’s no reason to be.” Sphaera said. She shoved down her emotions and lightened her tone, travelling to the table with the teapot to pour the tea. “So. Is there anything else you would like to know?”

                “There’s quite a lot actually.” Cullen said with a sigh. He looked at her, examined her face. “May I ask you anything?”

                “Anything. I will do my best to answer.” Sphaera said with confidence that wavered after the words left her mouth. There was one glaring secret she would rather keep.

                “Could you explain the tattoos on your face?” Cullen asked. “I’m sorry, that is probably rude to ask. You don’t have to answer.” He immediately followed up, his head sinking into his hand. Sphaera laughed.

                “They are called vallaslin. They represent our gods.” Sphaera explained.

                “Oh.” Cullen said, looking very much surprised at the simplicity of her answer. There was a silence in the room for a long time. They both sipped at their tea.

                Dorf padded in from the bedroom and curled up at Cullen’s side, falling asleep. Cullen smirked at the dog. Sphaera glanced out the window at the sky. Birds chirped. Both cups raised to their lips in unison. They set their cups down. Cullen stared at his tea. Sphaera examined her shirt.

                Sphaera opened her mouth to speak when there was a knock on the door. Dorf’s head rose from his sleep. She frowned, uncertainty flooding through her. She was not expecting anyone. She had just sent the letters out an hour or so ago. Dorian would not have made it from Tevinter in a few days, and he was the only one who would have known to come. She got up slowly.

                “Is everything alright?” Cullen asked in a low tone.

                “It’s probably fine.” Sphaera said. “I’ll handle it.”

She made her way to the front entrance, tensed and ready to fight. Someone knocked again. If it was another radical she was ready to fling a fireball in their face, whether Cullen was there or not. She took a deep breath and flung open the door.


	5. Chapter 4

                “I brought cocoa. Sorry it took so long. Came from Orlais. Brought the guimauves, though.” Sphaera felt her shoulders instantly relaxing, her heart slowing to a much more normal pace and a smile adorning her lips. Iron Bull was at her door, clearly ready to help out. She didn’t question how he knew to come, but she was glad he did.  

                “I owe you for this.” Sphaera said, stepping aside to let him in.

                “Nah. Got hired by some Tevinter magister to do a sweep of this area for any hostiles. He paid good coin to have me come check up on you.” Iron Bull said.

                “Are you sure he paid you in coin?” she asked. Iron Bull shot her a sly grin. She chuckled softly.

                Iron Bull had to lean over as he stepped inside, and he gave the interior of the cabin a once-over. Sphaera gestured to the kitchen, and Iron Bull made his way into it. Dorf looked at Iron Bull once before becoming disinterested and laying his head back down. Cullen looked at Iron Bull, then to Sphaera for answers.

                “Hey, how’s the head?” Iron Bull asked.

                “Nothing I can’t handle.” Cullen responded.

                “Don’t remember me, huh?” Iron Bull said, folding his arms and leaning against the wall.

                “I’m afraid not.” Cullen responded politely.

                “He’s lost ten years.” Sphaera pitched in. “Would you like some tea?” she asked, heading to the kettle.

                “I’m good.” Iron Bull said. “Does Dorian know?” he asked.

                “Yes. I’ve been keeping him updated.” Sphaera said, retrieving her own cup of tea from the table and sipping from it. With everyone standing Cullen made to stand as well, but Sphaera shot him a look and quick shake of her head to keep him sitting. He was too injured to be standing about.

                “Huh. Would have been nice if he had kept me updated too.” Iron Bull grumbled. He looked to Cullen, pushing himself off the wall. “Name’s Iron Bull. I run a mercenary group called the Chargers. Worked closely with the Inquisition.” Cullen held out a hand, receiving another glare that was a little too automatic from Sphaera when he tried to stand again to greet the qunari.

                “Cull–You already know who I am. It’s a habit, sorry.” Iron Bull grasped his hand with a smile. He pulled away to lean back on the wall.

                “I’ve got the Chargers sweeping the area. We’re camped out nearby.” Iron Bull reported. He looked towards Sphaera. “You need anything?” he asked.

                She examined his face for a second. He was expecting her to talk to him about it. She talked with him about a lot of things in the past. He was good at listening, and sometimes rather good at giving advice too.

                Sphaera downed the rest of her tea.

                “Cocoa?” she asked. Bull grinned.

                “With or without guimauves?”

                “Do you really need to ask?”

                “Alright. On it.” Iron Bull said, getting to work in the small kitchen area, trying desperately not to get his horns caught on the ceiling beams.

                Sphaera looked to Cullen. He looked very confused and out of place. She felt a bit guilty for overwhelming him with a guest right now. She approached him carefully.

                “Do you want some cocoa?”

                “No, thank you.” He said. Her breath caught in her throat.

                “I’m sorry.” She said. “I know this must be overwhelming. Iron Bull and I will wander outside and leave you some time to process all of this. If you want there are some books on the shelf in our—your room.” She suggested, fiddling with the edge of her shirt. She used to fiddle with her fingers when she was nervous. After she lost her hand she had picked up fiddling with buttons, her shirt, anything that was on her at the right level to be nervously fiddled with.

                “Thank you.” He said. “If you need help with anything, let me know.”

                Sphaera examined him. She knew he couldn’t do much because of his injury, but she also knew her husband. It was probably driving him mad sitting around. She wondered if it upset him more than all the information he was being fed about his life.

                 “You usually did the cooking. I’m not very good at doing anything more than throwing something over a fire, as I’m sure you’ve been able to tell. If you want to, you can maybe make supper tonight? Again, only if you’re feeling up to it. Don’t feel like you have to—“

                “No, I can do that.” Cullen said. “I would hate to be a burden on you.”

                “You’re never that, vhenan.” The word poured from Sphaera’s mouth before she could control it. Her cheeks heated up and she turned away before he could question it. The term of endearment came so naturally to her.

                Iron Bull saved her from her embarrassment by turning to her with her cocoa. She took her cup from him.

                “Good, let’s go for a walk.” She declared, heading straight for the door. She heard Iron Bull’s footsteps behind her. She headed to the lake’s shore, sitting on the small boat-less dock. Iron Bull let out a soft grunt as he flopped down beside her.

                “You should tell him.” He said in a low tone. Sphaera glanced over her shoulder at the cottage. There was no sign Cullen was listening in. The cabin looked so cozy and serene, yet she dreaded what was inside. The fact that she was so afraid of facing him made her feel guilty. She turned back to the lake, not looking at Iron Bull.

                “I can’t. I don’t know how radical his views on mages are. He once told me that he didn’t think he could have loved me before…I need him to get to know me first. Otherwise he won’t even give me a chance.” Sphaera said, staring at her cocoa. She wasn’t surprised Iron Bull had figured out she was keeping things from Cullen, though she didn’t know how. She had long ago started taking it for granted that Iron Bull just knew things.

                “Yeah, and when he finds out you don’t think he’s going to feel tricked? He’s trained to find mages, it’s only a matter of time. Especially since you’re sort of a big deal.” Iron Bull said. “That wasn’t what I was talking about, though.”

                Sphaera looked up from her cocoa with wide eyes. She turned to Iron Bull in shock. He looked down at her calmly. Now she was surprised.

                “How…” she didn’t have to finish the question. She knew the answer. He was a good spy. She sighed. “I can’t, Bull.”

                “You can’t keep it from him forever.” Iron Bull said. Sphaera sighed.

                “A week ago I was so unapologetically happy.” She said. She paused. “Do you think that’s why it’s happened like this? Do you think that maybe I’m just not allowed to be…” she sighed. “Maybe I’m cursed.”

                “Maybe.” Iron Bull said. “But you closed holes in the sky and walked around in the fade, and you managed to survive your own hand trying to kill you. If someone has cursed you, you’re doing a great job at ruining their plans.” He said.

                “I may need help ruining this one.” Sphaera said.

                “Are you saying you need a _hand_?” Iron Bull asked, looking very pleased with himself. Sphaera looked at him, a grin forming on her face and a chuckle gathering in her throat.

                “Well, I must say this whole thing has been very dis _arm_ ing.” She countered.

                “It’s dangerous too. Without your magic you’re left completely un _arm_ ed.”

                “That’s alright. I don’t mind being h _arm_ less.”

                “Well, I can still imagine this whole thing has you pretty _stumped_.” Iron Bull said. Sphaera let out a laugh.

                “Alright, you win!” she chuckled. She looked to Iron Bull. “Thank you, Bull. I needed this.”

                “Not going to lie, Boss, you get into a lot of trouble for someone so small.”

                “That’s saying something from the one who goes looking for it.” Sphaera said with a soft chuckle. He had almost lifted her spirits again. Iron Bull shrugged his nonchalance.

                “Yeah, I guess—“ Iron Bull paused mid-sentence and twisted around to look back at the house. Sphaera’s eyes followed his lead. Cullen was at the edge of the small dock, looking quite flustered.

                “I found something…There’s something in the stables. Would you come take a look?” he asked. Sphaera could hear her heart pounding in her ears. She handed Iron Bull the remains of her cocoa, any evidence of a smile or happiness gone from her face. Iron Bull was watching her closely, his mouth in a grim line. He had figured out where she put the staff, probably based purely on her suddenly colourless face.

                “Of course.” Sphaera said calmly. She followed Cullen back to the stables, a cold chill running down her spine.

                It was all over.


	6. Chapter 5

                Sphaera glanced back at Iron Bull as she followed Cullen to the barns. The mercenary leader gave her a short nod, a simple way of letting her know he would be wherever she needed him. Sphaera took a deep breath in to calm herself and turned her eyes to Cullen’s back again.

                His shoulders were tense. She had a few years of experience with his tense shoulders. She wished she could ease his mind. If she could get him to relax around her then perhaps she could help him, ease him into this whole thing. That was, of course, easier said than done. Especially since they were headed to the stables. To her staff.

                She had little time to decide what to do. They were approaching the stables at a brisk pace. Cullen was already on edge. She had been Inquisitor, and before that, was training to be a Keeper. She had diplomacy, and a quick mind. She could lie to him, telling him it belonged to the group who had attacked her. As she examined Cullen’s back she realised she couldn’t lie to him. Not about this. She could avoid the truth, but she couldn’t outright lie. When he presented her with her staff, she would be honest with him, tell him she is a mage. If he gave her enough time to explain herself, she would. If not, she would face the consequences of her honesty. She was determined to follow through with this plan, even if she knew she would regret it. Her fingers twitched nervously. She wasn’t ready to give him up yet.

                When they got to the stables, Cullen nearly stopped in his tracks at the door. Sphaera had to swerve around him so she didn’t run into him.

                “What is _that_?” he asked, shoving his hand towards one of the stalls. Sphaera eyes fllowed his hand out to the stalls.

                “You mean…Binky?” Sphaera asked in genuine confusion. She was so anxious walking up to the stable her mind wasn’t doing a good job of processing precisely what was happening. She stood beside Cullen, frozen in shock and disbelief. Did he truly miss the staff just above them?

                “I mean the undead horse with a sword through its head.” Cullen said tersely, clearly on edge. Sphaera relaxed and a smile curled on her lips in spite of herself. She had been so scared, and the release made her a bit giddy.

                “His name is Binky. He’s my bog unicorn.” She said, walking over to Binky and gently petting what used to be a nose. Binky nuzzled her hands happily. “We rescued him.”

                “I always wondered. How is he moving? Dorian wasn’t so sure it was necromancy.” Iron Bull said appearing in the doorway. Cullen shot him a nervous glance, clearly still on edge because of the discovery of a horse corpse in the stables, casually standing around. The fact that Iron Bull could appear at the doorway without warning was probably fairly jarring too, considering he was a hulking Qunari mercenary.

                “The person we got him from said he rose from the dead from an urge to serve or some such nonsense. Odder things have happened. Besides he is quite the tenacious one. Even Dennet seemed to have a harder time with him than I do. We understand each other.” Sphaera said, giving the side of the bog unicorn’s head a pat.

Once she had been afraid to go near him. He did look quite menacing, and she was uneasy around the undead. It was the fact that he was so ornery that made her like him. He was an animal full of spirit, not just an undead husk.

                “ _Does_ he understand you?” Iron Bull asked, leaning on the doorframe casually. Cullen looked at them both as if they had sprouted multiple heads. They were talking about Binky as casually as they would if he were a normal horse.

                “I doubt it.” Sphaera said. “But my father was a halla keeper, remember? Halla and horses aren’t that different from one another. I mean…They _are_ but some tricks are transferrable.”

                “So you have an undead horse.” Cullen said, furrowing his brow and looking at Binky like he was trying to see around the sun. “Named… _Binky_ …Why?”

                “The horsemaster didn’t want anything to do with him and Binky and I have bonded. I guess it was like a wedding gift.” Sphaera said. Binky bumped his face against hers playfully and she chuckled, lightly rubbing his neck. Some mane fell off in her hands and she looked at it in surprise before tossing it away.

                “Surely you can’t actually believe it’s kept alive by will alone?” Cullen said with a crinkled nose, looking quite disgusted with the touching scene of an elf and her undead horse.

                “No, I suspect some sort of spirit is in him.” Sphaera shrugged. Cullen crossed the stables to her in two strides, appearing at her side, his good hand automatically going to her arm protectively. He was glaring daggers at the horse.

                “So it’s an abomination?” he growled.

                “I don’t think so. He may be ornery, but he’s no demon.” Sphaera said. She looked to Cullen’s hand on her arm, her breath catching slightly. If he knew she was a necromancer, would he be so protective?

                “He’s been around for three years, been out with us countless times. He’s good.” Iron Bull pitched in. Sphaera’s eyes flashed to him. “Trust me. I’m not fond of demons either. That thing isn’t a demon. We would have found out by now.” Cullen’s glare weakened as he discovered he was fighting a losing battle. The bog unicorn was staying.

                “It smells.” Cullen said, crinkling up his nose. It was a weak argument, but a true statement. The smell of rot was starting to permeate through the stables.

                “Usually it isn’t this bad.” Sphaera said. “I have this oil I put on him to help keep his skin from falling off and to make him smell less like he’s rotting. Today was the first day in a while where I’ve found the time to do it.” She said.

                Binky took this time to let out his ghastly neigh that sounded like it came from the very depths of The Black City. Cullen let out an exasperated groan. Sphaera looked to him, recognising the look on his face. She had seen him work with a similar look when he was dealing with lyrium withdrawal. His brow was slightly furrowed, his jaw slightly tense, his eyes slightly glazed.

                “Is he making your headache worse?” she asked softly. She watched Iron Bull straighten at the door, suddenly much more alert.

                “A little, yes.” His eyes flickered to hers for only the briefest of moments, and then sheepishly away.

                “Perhaps the fresh air on the dock would be better for you.” Sphaera suggested.

                “Perhaps.” Cullen said with a sigh. Iron Bull caught Sphaera’s glance.

                “I have to go check in with the Chargers.” He said. Sphaera’s eyes widened in panic. She couldn’t be left alone with Cullen, he didn’t remember her. She doubted Binky had been a very good wingman. She had been asked to do many difficult tasks in the past years, but being alone with her husband was not one she believed she could take on.

                Iron Bull gave her a stern look and nodded his head towards Cullen. She glared back at him. Cullen, who had his back to Iron Bull, noticed her glare and turned to look at Bull, who turned and headed off as if nothing had happened. Sphaera sighed softly.

                “Shall we?” she asked, gesturing outside. Cullen blinked at her, observing her for a moment. She felt every scrutinizing flicker of his eyes.

                “Right. Lead on.” He said.

                She led Cullen to the dock. There the cocoa sat, surprisingly untouched. Sphaera sighed and examined hers. It seemed safe. She took a sip. It tasted safe.

                “Would you like to try it?” she asked. Cullen glanced into her cup.

                “Is it like tea?” he inquired.

                “It’s like tea and cake mixed together.” She said with an eager grin. She didn’t think she had shared her cocoa with him before. It was usually something Iron Bull and her shared as friends. Cullen looked intrigued. He took her cup from her and sipped at her cocoa. His eyebrows rose in surprise.

                “That’s actually…very good.” He said.

                “I thought you might like it. You have more of a sweet-tooth than I do.” She said with a smile. His brow furrowed and his eyes blinked away from her. He handed back her cup. She took it wordlessly, feeling her heart sink. She had said too much.

                In the silence she examined the scene before her. The clouds were turning the lake grey, save for a few rays of sunshine breaking through the clouds that were near-blinding when reflected off the water. The trees ruffled with the faint breeze. It was a quiet, serene day. Even the birds seemed lethargic, as only the occasional call could be heard from a distant tree. Perhaps there was a storm on the way. It was impossible to tell, even the weather didn’t seem certain of which way it wanted to go.

                “I’m sorry,” Cullen said. “I don’t know what to say to you. I can imagine this is quite upsetting.” His voice was soft, gentle. Sphaera glanced at him.

                “Don’t worry about me.” She said. “I’ve endured worse.” She didn’t know if that was exactly true, but she wanted to put him at ease. She examined his face. He seemed deep in thought, looking at the water with a perplexed look on his face. “You don’t have to be in love with me.” She said. His eyes flashed to her in surprise.

                “I’m your husband. Were we not…?” Cullen’s brow was furrowed. She couldn’t imagine how hard it was to piece this together.

                “In love?” his shoulders slumped and he let out a strained sigh, indicating she was right. “Yes. We were. That’s why I don’t want you to feel like you owe me anything. You don’t. You don’t even have to remember me. I want to help. If nothing else I was hoping we could be friends again.” She winced and looked away. “I didn’t mean that to pressure you into…Any sort of relationship…What I mean is…Maybe we can get to know each other first.”

                Cullen looked her over, his eyes once more boring into her. He folded his arms and his lips became a grim line.

                “But you already know me.” He said.

                “Not all of you.” Sphaera responded. It was true. This Cullen was different from the one she had married. He didn’t laugh as much, or smile as much. She realised she knew his likes and dislikes, his few hobbies, all the little things that could easily be learned from a brief conversation with a stranger. She should know what would make him laugh, what would cause him to glare at her and sigh in exasperation. She didn’t. She knew as much about _this_ Cullen as knew about her.

                “There’s a chess board inside…Perhaps I could challenge you to a game?” Sphaera asked.

                “Alright.” Cullen said. She thought she saw the corner of his mouth twitch up, but she could have been mistaken.

                They headed inside in silence. She ordered Cullen to sit at the kitchen table as she retrieved the board. She set it up and for an instant it was like déjà vu of a past life. Sitting at the table by candlelight, swearing to him through her laughter that they had room for one more round, that this time she would beat him. Cullen laughing, complying. Dorf laying under the table, lifting his head when they got too loud and then falling back asleep. The half-assed smack talk between them. The casual flirting in a vain attempt to distract the other. Then as quickly as it came, the moment was gone, and she was back in the room with the unfamiliar man.

                “I noticed you only have the one bed.” Cullen said. She continued setting up the pieces, not looking up at him. “Where have you been sleeping all this time?” Sphaera was silent for a long time. Her mind struggled with an answer to that question that wouldn’t sound creepy.

                “The chair beside your bed. I didn’t know…I didn’t want you to wake up alone.” She said. “You keep the bed. I’ll sleep on the couch.”

                “I can take the couch. I wouldn’t want to impose on you.” He said.

                “You’re injured. Take the bed. I’m Dalish, I could sleep on the floor and be perfectly content.” She said.

                “What about your friend?” Cullen asked. Sphaera set up the last piece and sat down, gesturing with a hand to allow Cullen to go first.

                “Iron Bull? He has a camp. He’ll sleep there.”

                He moved a piece. She moved hers in retaliation almost instantly. He looked up at her in surprise. She knew many of his tactics by now.

                It was a long game, with idle chit-chat. He asked questions about her, she answered. He told her about himself, things she already knew. She listened. It didn’t feel like they got anywhere, but a part of her wanted to believe that Cullen was starting to open up just slightest for her. Perhaps he was, though she was still finding difficulty in getting him to smile.

                By the time the game was over night had fallen and Sphaera was exhausted. She barely had enough energy to set the couch up with pillows and blankets. She fell asleep almost as instantaneously as her head hit the pillow, having dealt with too much with not enough sleep.


	7. Chapter 6

                She was lying in bed across from him. He was propped up on his elbow, his head in his hand, watching her closely with a half-smile on his face.

                “Good morning, Love.” He purred. Sphaera sat up, looking at him in confusion.

                “Cullen?” she said in alarm. There was a blanket draped over them, but Cullen’s bare chest was enough indication that he was naked under the sheet. She couldn’t understand how it could have happened. While she was contemplating it he placed a hand on her cheek and guided her face to look at him.

                “It was a cruel joke, pretending not to remember you.” Cullen said, looking sheepish. Sphaera’s mind reeled with the new information.

                All this time, it had been a prank? Why? It was unnaturally cruel of him. He pulled her closer and she exhaled lightly in relief. Her fingers curled on his chest, her eyes examined his bare chest, her hands on it. Her hand let off a green glow that escaped from the cracks in between her fingers and spread across Cullen’s skin under her like a spilled potion. Her brow furrowed.

                “Why?” she asked. He tilted her face up with a hooked finger under her chin. She felt heat rise to her cheeks. Her heart quickened and she batted her eyelashes in confusion.  

                “It doesn’t matter. I love you.” Cullen said in a low voice. Then he kissed her. Sphaera knew that answer didn’t make sense. She knew something was wrong. She knew she shouldn’t trust this. But the light shining in from the hole in his roof was creating a halo around him, and stray curls had fallen into his eyes and she had missed him. She couldn’t care less in that moment about what was going on. She would stay there forever, locked in that perfect moment. She wrapped both her arms around Cullen’s neck and pulled herself closer to him. His chuckle vibrated against her lips.

 ***

                Fingers brushing against her arm was all it took to wake her. Somebody was adjusting the blanket around her.

                “Aneth ara, ma vhenan.” The hand paused, then retreated. “Remember I don’t take anything in my tea, emma lath.” After all these years and he still put honey in her tea on occasion. She figured at least half of it was muscle memory.

                “I…Right.” Cullen’s confused voice woke her from her half-asleep daze. Her eyes shot open and she sat up to look at him, reality hitting her like a thousand spells to her chest. His eyes widened and he took a step backwards defensively at her passionate reaction. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Cullen said, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

                Heat spread across her cheeks until it reached the tip of her ears. He still didn’t remember. Did he recall her elvish lessons? Would he be able to decipher the sugary pet names she had just called him? She sat there, gawking at him. He cleared his throat uncomfortably.

                “I’ll…make you that tea then.” He said. “Nothing in it.” He confirmed before making his escape.

                Sphaera hung her head in shame and groaned. That was awful. She made enough of an ass out of herself she wanted nothing more than to be flung in the fade and forgotten there. The sound of Cullen shuffling in the kitchen made her swallow her embarrassment and get up to help.

                “I’m sorry, you caught me at a bad time.” Sphaera said as she entered the kitchen. His back was turned to her, and he didn’t so much as glance her way when she entered. Her shame rose up again like bile in her throat.

                “It’s fine.” Cullen grunted. His head lifted and his arms stopped moving for a second. Sphaera’s fingers found the edge of her sleeve and fiddled with it. He turned to her. “Can I ask what you said to me?” he asked.

                She was suddenly filled with irrational dread. A nervous smile split across her face and she let out an uneasy, breathy chuckle.

                “I was half-asleep. I’m sorry. I slip into elven when I’m half-asleep.” She explained, her cheeks heating up again.

                Cullen examined her for a moment. She couldn’t bring herself to meet his eyes, so she stared at his scar. That was when a miracle happened. The scar twitched up into a grin for the briefest of seconds, and then he forced it back down and turned away.

                Her mind raced with all the things she could have done to earn that smile and what she could do to prolong it. Her cheeks were reddening more. He had only smiled at her. She had no idea when she reverted back to a lovelorn teenager, vying for a person’s smallest signs of acknowledgement. She hadn’t been like this when she first met Cullen.

                Cullen turned to her and handed her a mug, blinking in surprise at her red face.

                “I said ‘aneth ara’. It’s an informal greeting.” She blurted out. She looked down at the mug in her hand. Cullen still had his hand on it. “I mean…Thank you.”

                “You’re welcome.” Cullen said. She risked a look at his face and found his scar tilted in a half-smile. Her heart thudded in her ears. He grabbed his own tea and leaned on the counter. “You said your father was a halla keeper?” Sphaera nodded. “Is that like a horsemaster?”

                “No. Halla are companions. The halla keeper talks with the halla and makes sure all is well and they are safe and happy.” Cullen’s brow furrowed and his smile fell.

                “Your father talks to halla?” he asked skeptically. Sphaera nodded and looked down at her tea. It was difficult to explain to someone who hadn’t grown up around them. She didn’t know quite what to add that would make it sound more sensible to him. Cullen cleared his throat awkwardly. “So what did _you_ do in your clan?” he asked. She looked up at him, examining his face. She couldn’t tell if he was genuinely interested or if he was just making pleasant conversation. Still, he didn’t seem to know how difficult that question was for her to answer.

                “I was training to lead the clan. Then the Inquisition got to me and I ended up leading a different, much bigger clan than I had anticipated.” Sphaera said with a soft smile.

                “I wouldn’t have associated an Inquisition with a Dalish clan.” Cullen eyed her over his tea. She felt a mild relief that he was so ignorant about Dalish customs. If he knew anything he would have known she would have to be a mage to be the First to a clan. His lack of reaction was telling that he remained ignorant of her secret.

                “I wouldn’t have associated a Dalish elf with Andraste, but sometimes things happen and we have to make do with what we have.”

                “I suppose that’s fair.” Cullen said. He paused, his eyes descending to the floor in thought. “I remember seeing a Dalish banner somewhere…I can’t remember where…It had this…mask on it, made of roots…” he said, brow furrowing. Sphaera let out a soft gasp, barely audible gasp as her breath caught in her throat and made him look up. Her fingers tingled in excitement and a smile was slowly rising on her face.

                “I put them all over Skyhold, where we worked. There was one right across from your desk, hanging above the door.” She said.

                “Did you?” Cullen asked, his eyes flickering to his tea. “Yes, that does seem familiar.”

                “All the chantry sisters and nobles were forced to look at them whenever they walked around. Just in case they forgot who I was.” Cullen looked at her with a raised eyebrow and smiling eyes.

                “You weren’t a tyrant, were you?” he teased. Sphaera let out a surprised laugh.

                “I hope not! I tried not to be!” Sphaera glanced at Cullen. He was smiling again. He was getting more comfortable. She grinned into her tea, joy filing her from her toes to her head.

                Dorf came padding into the kitchen lazily, yawning. He walked over to Cullen and lazily nuzzled him. Sphaera sighed. He was hungry. She set her tea down and got to work making Dorf breakfast.

                There was a long silence in the kitchen as Sphaera worked. It was like a ghost of their lazier honeymoon mornings. A comfortable silence in which everyone was too tired to talk too much, or think of what to say, so they let the sounds of the morning bleed in from the windows. The birds chirped happily, far out the water gently lapped against the dock, the sun painted the room in orange, making Sphaera’s white hair fiery and Cullen’s hair look even more golden.

                “I want to go back to Kirkwall.” Cullen said, breaking the silence. Sphaera was just setting food on the ground for Dorf and she froze in the act. Dorf nearly pushed her over in an attempt to get at his food, completely careless about what Cullen had just announced. Sphaera stood and stepped away to let Dorf eat, trying to process what Cullen had just told her.

                “Alright.” She said carefully. “I have a place we can stay.” She said, looking at him seriously. He sighed.

                “It isn’t that I don’t trust what you’ve said, I just have to…See for myself.” He paused, not meeting her gaze. “I was thinking of going alone.” He said.

                Sphaera opened her mouth to speak. A knock at the door stopped her. She closed her eyes and let out an irritated sigh. Whoever it was had the worst timing.

                “You can go wherever you please. You don’t need my permission. I’m just concerned about your-“ The knocking continued with more vigor. “…injuries.”Sphaera sighed again and headed to the door.

                She flung it open to reveal Krem, standing impatiently at her door.

                “Iron Bull couldn’t make it?” she asked, her tone a bit snippier than she intended.

                “You’re stuck with me.” Krem said dryly. Sphaera immediately felt guilty. Krem didn’t deserve to be snapped at. He was always kind and respectful to her.

                “Sorry. It’s been a long few days.” Sphaera sighed. “Would you like to come in?” she asked, standing inside. Krem stepped into the doorway, briefly scanning the place before turning to Sphaera.

                “We found a camp a few miles out. It’s the same people who attacked you. Chief wanted me to ask you what we should do with them.” His arms were folded casually. At least he seemed at ease around her, despite her prickly introduction. Sphaera had a feeling Krem was used to prickly introductions, especially with the amount of nobles the Chargers seemed to do work for. She still felt bad about including herself in the numbers.

                She thought about it for a minute. She didn’t really have the authority to sentence them to anything anymore. She could hand them in to Divine Victoria and let her handle it, but the quicker and more direct way was to kill them. Perhaps she was dealing with some leftover rage for what they did to Cullen, but she felt like an example needed to be made.

                “Attack. I’ll come with you, give me a moment.” She said, turning to get her armour from the bedroom.

                “Chief said I shouldn’t let you come along. Said it would be too dangerous.” Krem called after her. Sphaera rolled her eyes.

                “This used to be our Tuesday.” She called back over her shoulder. She knew why Iron Bull was concerned. These people were out to kill her, and she was in no shape to be fighting.

                She ignored his warning and got out her armour. Her armour was light, but more inconspicuous than mage robes, thankfully. Cullen wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. It was getting the staff out that was going to be a problem. But if she had gotten it in the stable without Cullen noticing, surely she could get it out of the stable. She most definitely couldn’t keep it in there while she was gone, not after the scare yesterday.

                Sphaera popped her head into the kitchen. Cullen was seated at the table tiredly. He looked exhausted. She wondered if all the visitors were distressing for him. After all, they were all strangers to him. Then again, _she_ could be distressing him. It would make sense, he wanted to leave.

                “I’m going out. Dorf, make sure he doesn’t make those injuries worse.” Sphaera said. The mabari barked a happy confirmation. “Take care.” She told Cullen. He eyed her seriously and gave her a curt an impersonal nod. She gathered all her strength and put it in the way she held herself, shoulders back, chin up, eyes forward, then she turned to Krem.

                “Ready to go?” Sphaera asked. “Or do you want some tea first?”

                “You really should stay here.” Krem said. “We can handle this.” Sphaera’s eyes narrowed and she headed outside. Krem followed with a sigh.

                “If Iron Bull doesn’t want me to fight, then that’s his quarrel with me. I’m sorry, Krem, I don’t think either of you will convince me.”

                “Alright. You can argue with him, then.” Krem shrugged. Sphaera paused in front of the stables, eyeing Krem closely.

                “He didn’t tell you anything?” Sphaera asked. Krem looked at her impatiently.

                “No. Should he have?” he asked. “The Chief will tell me what I need to know.” He said with a shrug. “If you and him have a secret then clearly it isn’t something he thought was important to me. We’ve all got secrets. If you want to tell me, be my guest. If not, can we get on with this? We’re all eager to fight something.”

                Sphaera smiled to herself and nodded.

                “Thank you, Krem.” She said. She entered the stables and she thought she heard a small exasperated sigh escape Krem’s throat when he saw Binky in his stable.

                “You didn’t bring your own horse, did you?” Sphaera asked.

                “No.” Krem said.

                “Do you want to drive the Bog Unicorn?” Sphaera asked, saddling Binky up.

                “Not unless he’s gotten friendlier.” Krem said.

                “Not in the slightest.” Sphaera said with a smile and a pat to Binky’s neck. Krem sighed. When Binky was all saddled up Sphaera glanced towards the door. “Could you keep a watch for Cullen for me?” she asked Krem.

                “Alright?”

                “He doesn’t know I’m…Well, an archer. Like Dalish. And…Well he’s reverted back to being very…Templar.” Krem raised his eyebrows in understanding.

                Sphaera liked Dalish. A Dalish mage, just like her, lying through her teeth to bamboozle Templars. Sphaera had a soft spot for her. Now she found she might be in the same position as her. She doubted Cullen would believe her staff was a bow, though. She might have to ask Dalish if she ever actually pulled that off.

                Sphaera retrieved her staff from its hiding place and returned to Binky and Krem.

                “He hasn’t left the house.” Krem said.

                “Good. Let’s go.” Sphaera said, mounting Binky. She patted the saddle behind her.

                “You have another horse.” Krem pointed out, glancing towards the stallion in the other stall.

                “That’s Cullen’s horse. What if he needs it? I’m conserving resources.” Sphaera said. Krem frowned, but mounted the Bog Unicorn behind her. Binky danced unhappily. Krem made a grunt of discontent at the motion. Sphaera kicked her steed into motion, and they were off.


	8. Chapter 7

            The ride was quiet between Sphaera and Krem. They rarely exchanged more than a few words between them. Sphaera was always hyper-aware that she was a leader around Krem, he was always respectful towards her. It tended to halt the relationship at anything more than professional.

            “I’m sorry Iron Bull dragged you all out here for my sake.” Sphaera tried.

            “Most of us don’t mind. You bought us a round more than once.” Krem said. “Besides, Bull said we’re getting paid for it, so it isn’t like we’re going out of our way.”

            “Well, with reassuring statements like that I can see that I’ll be in good hands.” Sphaera teased.

            “I didn’t mean—“ Sphaera shot a smile over her shoulder and Krem relaxed. He shot her a small smile. “Well, you know the chief worries about you.”

            Sphaera made a hum of acknowledgement, losing herself in thought. Her brother had been one of her only real friends in the clan. She had lived a solitary life, being the First, and looking so different due to her albinism. She had become rather introverted in the clan, keeping mostly to herself to protect herself. When she went to the Conclave, she only meant to blend in, and she did so with surprising ease. It was scary how easy an elf was disregarded in human society, even if they had vallaslin all over their face. Then she got the mark, and suddenly she was the centre of attention, and she had to make allies, or face a potential execution. From then on she had gained some true friendships, and she couldn’t be more grateful for that. Of course, the bittersweet remembrance that she had also been introduced to Cullen because of the Inquisition turned her gratitude a bit sour.

            They approached the Chargers, gathered around in the forest. Sphaera halted Binky, allowing Krem to scramble off of him as fast as he could manage while still keeping some dignity. Iron Bull approached, and Sphaera climbed off her mount to greet him.

            “Did you tell her she should stay at the cabin?” Iron Bull asked Krem, looking none-too-pleased, but not surprised.

            “I insisted. Besides, if you were really so concerned with it you would have come yourself to convince me.” Sphaera countered, attempting to tie Binky’s reigns to a tree.

            “I was keeping an eye on that group that was trying to kill you.” Iron Bull said.

            “Just the one eye?” Sphaera asked, shooting a look over her shoulder. Iron Bull raised his eyebrow at her and folded his arms.

            “Need help with that knot?” he asked.

            “No, I’m alright.” Sphaera said, her brow furrowing as she turned back to the knot.

            “Yeah, that’s why I figured you needed help.” Iron Bull said. She turned to him in confusion. “All _right_? You only have a right…Nevermind.” He grumbled. She shook her head and handed him the reigns. Iron Bull hitched Binky to the tree effortlessly. He always was her go-to person for knot-tying.

            “I need to get rid of these people. I don’t want to send them to trial somewhere, I don’t want to send them a warning. They could know where I live. They have…” Sphaera sighed. “I have to be a part of this. You know I do. This is a personal attack and I intend to deal with it personally. I’m not some noble who risks mercenary lives while I stay comfortable at home next to a fire.” Sphaera declared.

            Iron Bull examined her. She tried to stare him down, ignoring the knowledge that Iron Bull was impervious to most mean looks, especially from someone who barely reached his nipples.

            “It’s our _job_ , Sphaera.” He grunted in frustration when he saw Sphaera was still giving him a stubbornly stern stare. “Fine. Just be careful.” He turned to go. Sphaera put a hand on his arm.

            “Bull,” he paused, turning his face to her. “I’ll be careful. Thank you for worrying about me.”

            “It’s not _you_ I’m worried about.” Iron Bull said.

            “Not entirely.” Sphaera agreed. “But you wouldn’t be this worried if it weren’t a little bit about me too.”

            “Yeah…alright. I care about you and stuff” Iron Bull sighed in a faux-resigned way. “You ready to hit things yet, or are we going to talk some more?” he unsheathed his sword, and she could see the eagerness on his face.

            “Fight? I haven’t even told you I love you yet!” Sphaera teased, playing along with his too-tough-for-feelings act with the exact opposite. Iron Bull grinned.

            “Tell me after the battle. Give me something to look forward to.” He said.

            “Are you two done quoting _Swords and Shields_ or are you going to do the whole book?” Rocky shouted out.

            “You read _Swords and Shields_?” Sphaera countered. Rocky cleared his throat and shuffled his feet.

            “I read a review.” He mumbled, though it was loud enough that Sphaera managed to catch it.

            “With quotes you memorized?” Dalish pitched in with disbelief. Rocky scowled.

            Sphaera smiled. It was a lot like old times. She had missed this. There was something reassuring about the normalcy and casual banter between the Chargers. Even when she felt terrible, like the whole world had turned against her once more, the casual banter brought her back. She had friends who cared about her, who would still fight at her side if she needed them. She should be thankful for that, at least.

            “What’s our attack plan?” Sphaera asked Iron Bull.

            “It’s a small camp, and we have the element of surprise. They don’t seem to be that experienced of fighters. I say we surround them and charge.” Iron Bull said.

            “Alright.” Sphaera said, removing her staff from its place strapped to her back. “By your lead.” She said.

            “Sure thing, Boss.” Iron Bull said with a grin at his own irony. Sphaera smiled back at him.

            She was going to destroy these revolutionaries. It was kill or be killed, and although she knew this group was hardly the last of them, perhaps it would send a message to all the others that if they wanted her dead they would have to do it by petitioning an execution to Queen Anora or the Divine like everyone else. She would not allow the further endangerment of her family because they wanted her dead.

            She was mad. She was mad because everyone was scattered around Thedas, her clan frowned upon seeing her, she had lost all authority in a swift kick, and all her faith had been taken at the same time. For days she thought she would lose Cullen too. Now she was struggling to find the one thread of hope that he could still love her again, that he would remember, that he was not lost. But he wanted to go. He wanted to leave as well. She was going to kill them for what they did, and to prevent them from doing worse. It had to be done. At least that’s what she kept telling herself.

            So Iron Bull led her and the Chargers into battle. It was a much smaller camp than Sphaera expected. Perhaps she was so used to ancient gods with full armies attacking her, but for the briefest moment, seeing the terror on their faces as a mercenary group jumped them, she felt like she had changed. Once she would have talked it out, brought them to justice instead of being a vengeful vigilante. Perhaps they were right to want her dead. Perhaps she was thirsty for power now. Perhaps she had to be stopped.

            Then she thought of Cullen. They had been just about to leave the Winter Palace after the Exalted Council, and he had found her in her quarters. She had told him he could go. She had told him that he did not marry an elf who was broken in more ways than one, and he could leave before it got hard. He did not. The best part was, she didn’t expect him to. He stayed by her with all of the hurt that followed, lost sleep with her, stayed at her side faithfully until he was certain she was alright.

            Then they took that from her. Now there was a stranger where her husband should be. It was the equivalent of making him tranquil, he felt nothing for her. It was their fault. She would not let them get away with that.

            So she fought with the Chargers until the camp was cleared. It took little time. Their weapons and armour were old, and in poor quality. Their fighting was even worse. It was almost too easy.

            She stood by their morning fire, which was still crackling away, and looked around the camp. She put her staff back in its place on her back. Her thumb fiddled with the ring on her finger, turning it around and around on her finger as she thought.

            “Feel safer?” Iron Bull asked gently, coming up behind her.

            “Do you think he would have approved? If he remembered?” Sphaera asked, not looking away from the fire. There was a half-written letter laying in the dirt nearby. She couldn’t read who it was written to from where she was standing. She didn’t know if she wanted to.

             “You trained in necromancy. You’ve never really been one to seek his approval.” Iron Bull pointed out. “But I think he would have.” He added, in a slightly softer tone.

            “Until he found out they were farmers and merchants, not assassins.” Sphaera said, glancing again at the letter. She walked over to it and nudged it into the fire. It went up in flames immediately and was gone in a minute. It only made her guilt worse.

            “Hate to tell you this, but you don’t exactly have soldiers behind you anymore. A threat is a threat.”

            “Right.” Sphaera said. She glanced at Iron Bull. “They tried to kill me. They were willing to kill Cullen in the process. I don’t have the liberty of ignoring threats for being too small anymore.” She said it more to reassure herself. She was terrified of going too far, crossing the line between just and wrathful. After the Exalted Council she had difficulty dealing with situations. She had become less merciful, wary of everyone because of Solas. Cullen had always told her when she was letting it get to her. Now she feared he had more prejudice in his heart, and in turn she would grow into a cold and heartless person.

            “Hey,” Iron Bull said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “You’ve got a lot of people still watching your back. We won’t let anything happen.” She gave him a soft, sad smile.

            “Thanks, Bull.” She said.

            “No problem.” He said. “The Chargers will sort this mess out. Let’s get you back home.”

            She followed Iron Bull back to Binky, and they walked back to the cabin on foot, seeing as Binky would have been very opposed to Bull’s weight. It luckily wasn’t too far. The thought of how close the attackers had been to her current residence was frightening, but she quickly wiped the thought from her mind. It was over. They were gone forever.

            When they got to the cabin, Bull walked ahead and made sure the coast was clear, and then snuck Sphaera and Binky back into the stables. Sphaera hid her staff again, then climbed down to Iron Bull.

            “We’ll do another sweep of the area to be sure, but other than that, they shouldn’t bother you. Seems they were the only group to know where you were.” Iron Bull said. “Need anything else before we go?”

            “No.” Sphaera said. She didn’t want her friend to go, not when she was dealing with so much, but Iron Bull had work to do, and she would not hold him from it. “The Tevinter magister who hired you will be pleased. I expect you’ll get quite the reward.” She said with a knowing smile.

            “I hope so. Especially since the person we were hired to protect decided to come along and endanger herself and—“

            “He doesn’t know.” Sphaera cut him off sharply. “You’re the only one who knows.” Iron Bull looked at her seriously.

            “You sure you don’t need anything?” he said, this time more serious. “I can find someone to help.”

            “No.” Sphaera said, shooting him a small, reassuring smile. “I can manage. But if I need your help I now know Dorian is a much faster way of reaching you than any other sort of messenger. How helpful would these crystals have been when we were out trying to defeat Corypheus?”

            “You don’t think you would have been distracted?” Iron Bull asked. He was right, she would have talked with Cullen so much more. She gave him a sheepish grin.

            “Take care of yourself, Bull.” Sphaera said.

            “You too, Boss.”

            “I’m not your boss anymore.” She reminded.

            “But doesn't it make you feel  _powerful?_ ” Iron Bull chuckled. “I’ll see you, Boss.”

            “Safe journeys, The Iron Bull.” She put a slight emphasis on the ‘the’. He gave her a nod of approval, puffing out his chest in mock-pride. He clasped her on the shoulder before turning and leaving. She watched from the barn door as he headed off the small plot of land she was renting. It was an oddly serene day. The sun was shining through the trees, and reflecting off the lake. There was no clouds in sight. Birds hopped around on the ground, pecking for bugs, and chased each other from the treetops.

            Sphaera let out a small, contented sigh. Perhaps she was being melodramatic about Cullen. Perhaps things weren’t so bad after all. She decided to talk with Cullen about his trip to Kirkwall. Perhaps she could delay it until he got better, and in that time he could get to know her better. Perhaps he might remember.

            She headed into the house. Cullen was at the kitchen table, reading a book with a furrow in his brow.

            “Cullen?” she said. At the sound of her voice his head snapped up. He stood, snapping the book shut. His angry eyes bore into her.

            “I found this book on your shelf.” Cullen said coldly. He held out the book to show her and her heart stopped. “You’ve been lying to me.”

            In his hands was Varric’s book about the Inquisition. She knew most of it was barely accurate, but there was one thing he had established within the first chapter. She was not only a mage, but a necromancer.

            Cullen glared down at her, a chill ran down her spine.


	9. Chapter 8

                “You’re a mage. An apostate.” Cullen said.

                “There are no circles anymore, I’m hardly an apostate.” Sphaera said calmly, turning away from him so he didn’t see her face flinch at his harsh words.

                “You perform blood magic!” Cullen’s voice rose to almost a shout. Sphaera turned to look at him in confusion and alarm. Her heart pounded with a sort of fear that came instinctually when growing up as an elven mage. It took her a moment to realise what he was referring to.

                “I don’t--Necromancy is not blood magic.” Sphaera said defensively, trying to keep all fear from surfacing by pulling her shoulders back and giving him her best dignified stare. If she weren’t so short she would be staring down her nose at him. She couldn’t let him give in to his Templar training and try to order her around. Her eyes flickered to the book thrust outwards at her then back at him. “How much did you read?”

                “You attempt to control demons!” Cullen protested, ignoring her question. “You create abominations to bring people back from the dead!” She assumed by the way he was yelling at her he had only read the first chapter or so. Varric was a friend, and she had asked that he paint her as truthfully as he could manage in his books, for history’s sake. Varric was terrible at the truth, but he had made her a just hero at least. She definitely was not depicted as a dangerous apostate.

                “I…” Sphaera sighed. “It isn’t that simple.”

                “Clearly it is. You are _dangerous_!” Cullen said.

                “Do you think you would have married me if that were true? You knew before and you trusted me.” Sphaera snapped back, losing her temper momentarily. “Creators, Cullen! It was _your_ soldiers who brought the necromancer trainer _to_ me!” Cullen’s shoulders squared, his jaw set. Sphaera sighed. She was showing too much emotion, proving him right. If he were a noble at the Winter Palace she would have been able to deal with him without losing her temper, but he was not. He had slowly chipped away the wall she put up to distance people a while ago, and now she had to build it back up quickly.

                “You admit you didn’t train in a circle?” Cullen asked.

                “I’m Dalish. I trained under my Keeper.” Sphaera reigned in her temper, but the words still came out in stony annoyance.

“You kept it from me. You could have told me.” he said. “You could be a danger, and you failed to mention it.” He was sneering down at her like she was nothing but a bug.

                “Because you don’t think mages are people yet.” Sphaera said, stepping towards him in an attempt to regain some sort of equal power balance. The motion made Cullen’s face flinch and she almost regretted it. He was wary of her now. She had to be careful. At the same time, he was being so unreasonable she sort of wanted to send a fireball whizzing past his head. Her voice softened. “What was I supposed to do? You are so set that being a Templar is the right course, even if I told you of all the abuses that mages endured under your command.”

                “You—Kirkwall is crawling with blood mages. They have to be stopped somehow, and it isn’t by being forgiving!”

                “It isn’t be cornering them into desperation either.” Sphaera countered coldly. Cullen’s eyes narrowed at her and a sneer tilted his scar up. She met his glare full on with her own. Mythal knew she had seen the look on his face before. Perhaps not as intense, and not directed at her, but she could hold her ground around him. She knew him. He spouted his mouth off, but he cared. She convinced herself she wasn’t afraid, that her legs were not weak under her, that this was as easy as convincing Orlesian nobles she was more than a servant. She held her head high. She was right about mages. He had to know that.

                “Kirkwall shows we should have had a tighter leash on both sides, especially the mages. Mages started this fight, and you are a prime example as to why we cannot trust them. You lie, and you deceive, all for what? So you could get _closer_ to me?” Cullen looked down his nose at her and suddenly she felt small. Almost as small as she was when she was a prisoner of the Inquisition. She did not flinch. She couldn’t. He had to know he was wrong. She had to prove she was his equal. “Perhaps I should have been less merciful with the rite of tranquility.” Cullen said, looking at her in disgust.

                Sphaera’s eyes widened and she took a step away from him as if he were a spitting fire, her mouth hanging open slightly. She took a sharp breath in as if to say something, but no words came out. Her heart pounded in her ears, it suddenly became difficult for her to swallow, all sounds around her seemed to momentarily dull.

                Had it been anyone else, any other voice, perhaps she could have endured it. If she still had a throne to sit on, or any of her friends were at her side in that moment, perhaps she would have been braver: said something, told him off. The fact that it was _him_ made her chest hurt.  The fact that it was _his_ eyes glaring, _his_ nose she had once kissed crinkled in disgust as if she were nothing more than rot.

                Without another word, Sphaera snatched the book from him and turned on her heel, storming into her room. Dorf came trudging into the room beside her, whining.  With shaky breaths on the verge of crying, Sphaera got out a bag and packed. She didn’t have time or space to pack the memories like her wedding dress. She shoved her inquisition uniform in the bottom of her bag in case she needed to convince someone she was still powerful. Perhaps if she found a place to calm down for a while she could use it to convince herself she was still powerful. In that moment all she could feel is fear and uncertainty and an overwhelming urge to protect what little she had left. She didn’t know where she was going. She just had to go. Cullen was no longer the man she married.

                Her bags packed, Sphaera gathered the letters they had collected over the years from her various expeditions out into Fereldan and Orlais, tied together with a string. She tucked them under her arm. She found the coin Cullen had given her for good luck and examined it. She recalled the time he took off working to bring her to the dock. She recalled the blue of the moon reflecting off the lake and making the coin silvery-blue, his nervous smile and soft voice. She placed it on the bedside table. She didn’t need his luck anymore.

                Dorf pressed his head into her back and whined again. Sphaera turned and pet the dog’s head. He leaned into her hand as if being affectionate would be all it took to make her stay.

                “Watch him. Make sure he doesn’t hurt anyone. He will have enough to forgive himself for if he ever comes to his senses.” Sphaera ordered. Dorf licked her hand solemnly. “Good boy.” She said, giving him one extra pat. She slung her pack over her shoulder and headed out into the kitchen.

                Cullen’s back was turned to her. He was looking out the window. Sphaera only paused a moment to see if he would turn, if he would say anything. She expected a final blow. He said nothing. She didn’t know whether to be disappointed. She almost wanted him to drive the knife into her heart one last time to convince her that leaving was the right choice, but she also feared what would happen if he turned around.

                “Your sister is still in the same house she moved to after the blight.” Sphaera said, walking over to the wood-burning oven and opening it. She took the letters out from under her arm and tossed them into the embers. They caught flame immediately. She caught sight of the words ‘come back safely, Love’ in Cullen’s military scrawl blackening and curling up. She closed the oven, wishing with all her heart she had either not seen it, or had not burned the letters. Dorf looked at her sadly from his master’s side as she left the cabin.

                Cullen said nothing more. He just let her go. She thought about it as she rode away. If he truly thought she was a danger, why would he let her go so easily? Cullen Rutherford had been many things in his life, but he was always protective. He would laid down his life three times over to protect the world from one mage if he thought she was truly a danger. He had stood by. He had watched her leave. Why?

                She didn’t realise she had tears in her eyes until she found she was blinded. She didn’t know where she was going. As long as Binky was galloping, she didn’t care if she could see. She didn’t care where she went. She was afraid that she was right. That Cullen would realise he had just let an apostate he claimed was dangerous out into the world. She worried he would be on her heels.

                Suddenly, Binky reared and nearly threw her off. She clung tightly to him and managed to settle him down. She wiped at her eyes with the sleeve covering her stub arm to clear them and reached for her staff with her hand.

                Her eyes focused on the horns first, turned upwards. She took her hand off her staff.

                “Bull?” she asked. Her voice was shaky. She cleared her throat to shake the lump from her throat.

                “We were just about to leave.” Iron Bull said, coming around to her side of the horse. “You need help?”

                “Where are you headed?” she asked.

                “Denerim. Heard someone had a job for us there.” Iron Bull said. Sphaera paused.

                “Can I come with you?” she asked. “I’ll figure out a plan by the time we get to there, but just for now, I mean…” Iron Bull looked her over.

                “Sure.” Iron Bull said, offering her a hand. “As long as we can use your horse to carry supplies.” Binky snorted his disapproval. Sphaera got off her horse.

                “Of course.” Sphaera said. She wiped her face one more time, just to be certain it was dry of tears. Iron Bull gestured with his head for her to follow him.

                He led her and Binky back to the Chargers.

                “Pack the horse.” He ordered. The Chargers she had become acquainted with were shooting questioning looks her direction. No-one expected the Inquisitor to join their ranks. Dalish was the first to step forward and take the reins from her.

                “Are you joining us then, your worship?” Krem asked. Sphaera felt a pang of annoyance at the title she had thought she had shaken off. A part of her had missed hearing it, and that irritated her.

                “Just until Denerim.” She said softly.

                “And maybe lay off the honorifics unless you want angry farmers following us.” Iron Bull said sternly.

                “’Sphaera’ will work just fine.” Sphaera said with a soft smile.

                “Right. Sphaera.” Krem gave her a grin before heading off to help the other Chargers soothe Binky, who was dancing around them all like an agitated cat surrounded by children with sticks.

                “How long until we can get moving?” Sphaera asked Iron Bull.

                “As soon as Binky is loaded up, we’ll go.” He said. He gave her a side-longed look. “Are you alright?” he asked seriously. Sphaera glanced at the Chargers nervously. They all seemed preoccupied. Binky was rearing and letting out a demonic neigh of ornery disobedience.

                “Cullen found out I’m a mage and…” she folded her arms and looked away. “And he was very _Templar_ about it. Normally I would stay and try to reason with him but he was so hostile towards mages and I thought that if…” she found difficulty saying the words she knew she would eventually have to say. It all seemed like a nightmare. “He just let me leave…If he thought I was so dangerous, why did he just let me leave?”

                Iron Bull looked at her with a frown of pity. She knew he knew the answer. He knew she knew the answer. Neither of them would say it out loud. The only reason Cullen would let something dangerous out into the world is if a part of him didn’t actually think she was that dangerous. If either of them acknowledged it, then she would be inclined to turn around and head back. It was a frightening thought, that she would be so easily convinced. In truth, she already wasn’t convinced she should have left. Her thoughts were muddled.

                “I’m waiting for him to change his mind and come racing after me.” She said. She glanced towards Binky again. He had managed to settle down, or rather was being surrounded in a manner that gave him little room to protest. The Chargers were just finishing securing the packs on him.

                “It looks like we’re ready to go.” Iron Bull said. “Let’s get out of here.”

                Iron Bull walked by her side in front of the group, leading the way. Sphaera fiddled with her ring, deep in thought. Iron Bull was trying to help, and at least she felt now she had support. But Iron Bull wasn’t a mage. He didn’t grow up hiding from the Templars.

                “Have you talked to Dorian yet?” Sphaera asked, and before Iron Bull could answer she had taken out the crystal. She scolded herself internally for being rude and not letting him answer, but she really was on edge. She struggled to keep the crystal steady in her hand.

                “Dorian?” Sphaera said into the crystal. “Are you busy?”

                “Kaffas.” The voice was distant and grumbled. There was a loud and inelegant thump. Then Dorian’s voice was close again. “Is it terribly important? I was sleeping.”

                “Oh. No, it wasn’t--” Sphaera was about to let him go back to sleep when Iron Bull leaned in.

                “So what are you wearing?” Iron Bull interjected, receiving a surprised glare from Sphaera. Dorian groaned.

                “Hello, Amatus.” He said, though Sphaera could hear the slight smile in his tone. “So I suppose all went well?”

                “Yes and no.” Sphaera said, stepping away from Bull so he wasn’t leaning over her shoulder anymore. “Your hired mercenaries did their job well, you’ll be happy to know...” There was a pause from the other side.

                “I’m sensing there is more.” Dorian said. Sphaera sighed, glancing at Iron Bull. He put a sympathetic hand on her shoulder.

                She recounted the story of what happened to Dorian. Iron Bull listened as he walked by her side. His face was grim by the end of it.

                “Well.” Dorian said, once she was done. “We can always perform necromancy on him. Show him it isn’t so bad.”

                “He isn’t dead.” Sphaera noted. Iron Bull opened his mouth to say something. “Nor do I want him to be!” she said, giving him a stern look. She sighed. “I don’t know what to do.”

                “I would invite you over here, but I doubt you would like it much. Though it would be nice to discuss magical theory again with you. The Dalish have such an interesting view on magic.” He said. Sphaera pretended what he said did not have undertones of condescension in it.

                “Then let’s discuss. Is there something you’ve been working on? I could use something to distract me.” She said. Studying magic was relaxing. She remembered the days in Skyhold when she would find Dorian in his library and they would pour over books trying to find out if there was an easier way to do things. He was much better at it than she was, of course, but he still didn’t seem to mind her company.

                They talked for another hour, and Sphaera found herself calming down. She had put some distance between herself and that cabin, Iron Bull had her back, and Dorian made magic seem normal, made her feel less small, less afraid.

                “I think Bull wants to talk to you.” Sphaera said, finally acknowledging the glances Iron Bull had been giving her throughout the conversation.

                “Just remember, templars are more afraid of you than you are of them.” Dorian said. Sphaera let out a sad little chuckle.

                “Thank you, Dorian.” She said. “Here, Bull.” She tossed him the crystal and left them to talk. She didn’t think she could handle relationship banter at that moment.

                She went to Binky’s side. If a Bog Unicorn could sulk, he was inevitably what it would look like. His head was lowered in shame as he trudged along, loaded with packs.

                Sphaera patted his neck as she thought of where she would go next. She could visit Varric in Kirkwall, but she knew Cullen intended going there. She could try to see her clan, but she once again would not be able to stay. She thought of Josephine. She was in Antiva. She had told Sphaera she was always welcome in the house Montilyet. Sphaera planned to get a boat from Denerim to Kirkwall, and go from there.

                Now armed with a plan, Sphaera felt safer. She may still be torn to pieces by Cullen, but at least she had somewhere to go. Hopefully less people in Antiva wanted her dead.

Saying goodbye to Iron Bull and the Chargers at Denerim, she arranged for a boat that would take her and her Bog Unicorn across the Waking Sea. It was easier said than done, but she managed. It was a dingy shipping boat, not at all meant for passengers, and she slept among boxes of suspicious cargo with the rats.

                Sphaera thought about Cullen. She had left him alone in the care of a dog. He was still injured. Glass shattered in one of the boxes as the ship lurched. A blue liquid dripped onto her head from a box above her. She wiped it with her hand and examined it on her fingers, a thought occurring to her.

                What if Cullen tried to take lyrium again? He didn’t remember stopping taking it and he still dealt with the repercussions of quitting. Before her there was Cassandra to help him through it, but Cassandra didn’t know. Perhaps it was too late. Perhaps he was in the cabin in a lyrium haze already.

                She swept the thoughts from her mind. If she kept it up she would convince herself to go back. He was an adult, and if he wanted to make stupid decisions on his own, he could. She decided she was overreacting. Cullen was stronger than she was giving him credit. Besides, getting lyrium was harder nowadays.

                When she got to Kirkwall, she managed to get the guards to let her into the city by showing them the key to the city Varric had given her. She made her way up to Varric’s office, only to be stopped by his seneschal.

                “I’m sorry, the viscount is very busy right now and he is not receiving visitors.” Bran said. Sphaera looked at him coolly.

                “Alright. I’ll go get my undead horse and we will wait in the foyer.” She said, turning on her heel to go.

                “Wait!” Bran called out. “You can’t bring a horse in here!” he protested.

                Sphaera was tired. She was tired of playing the game and pretending to be nice and being manipulative and thinking about how she could make people do what she wanted.

                “Then let me give you an ultimatum.” Sphaera said. She pushed past Bran and burst into Varric’s office.

                “I’m in the middle of a great chapter, Bran, what—“ Varric’s voice halted when he saw Sphaera.

                “I am so sorry, Ser. She just burst in here—“ Bran said. Varric rose from his desk, shooing his seneschal away as he closed the door.

                “Ghost, I got your letter.” Varric said, returning to his desk and shuffling around papers. He stopped and looked up at her. “How’s Curly doing?”

                “I hope he’s well.” Sphaera said. “Creators, I hope I haven’t condemned him. He found out I was a mage and I left.”

                “Oh...Shit. Sorry.” Varric said, rubbing the back of his neck. Sphaera smiled sadly, grateful for his concern.

                “I’m only passing through, I’m afraid. Cullen mentioned wanting to come back here. I just wanted to make sure he has some place to stay and…” she sighed, hanging her head. “If you could keep him away from lyrium I would be eternally grateful. If he…” she fiddled with the ring on her finger.

                Varric set a hand on her arm, giving her a reassuring smile.

                “I’ll take care of it.” He said. Sphaera let out a soft sigh of relief.

                “Thank you.” Sphaera said. “Could I borrow a bird to let Josephine know I’m coming?”

                “Sure.” Varric said. He got out a blank sheet of paper and a quill and pushed them towards her on his desk. She bent over to scrawl a quick letter. “Are you sure you can’t stay? I could set you up with a really nice place.”

                “No. If there’s any chance he will come here I have to go.” Sphaera said. She glanced up at Varric, his eyebrow was quirked. “He virtually told me I should be made tranquil.” She explained, blinking away the itch behind her eyes. She couldn’t cry. Not now.

                She finished up the letter and pushed it towards him. He rolled it up and opened the bird cage in his office, taking it out and attaching the letter to its foot.

                “Try not to get distracted this time.” He grumbled to the bird before letting it out the window.

                “Thank you again, Varric. I owe you.”

                “Dangerous words, Ghost.” Varric said with a shake of his head and a humoured smile.

                “I have faith you will use it wisely.” She said. “I hope to visit again, when all of this is done with.” She paused, looking at him seriously. “You are a good friend, Varric.” He waved off her compliment.

                “How did Curly find out anyway?” Varric asked. Sphaera blinked at him, wondering if she should lie to him or tell the truth. “I’m just curious.” Varric added, to soften the blunt question.

                “He read your book.” She said. Varric’s face fell.

                “Oh…Shit…”

                “Don’t worry about it.” Sphaera said. “Take care, Varric. Don’t get into too much trouble.”

                “I don’t get into trouble, you drag me into it.” Varric countered, though he didn’t sound at all upset about it. Sphaera’s lips twitched up with the hint of a smile.

                “I’m just here to inspire you to write the kind of best-selling novels that ruin marriages.” She said. She opened the door to leave.

                “How was I supposed to know Curly would actually read my books?” Varric grumbled. “I’ll buy you a drink sometime to make up for it.”

                “I look forward to it. Goodbye Varric.” She shut the door as she left. She made her way silently back to the stables where she had left her Bog Unicorn, and then rode out of town into the Free Marches.


	10. Chapter 9

                Sphaera knew she couldn’t see her clan. She knew they were definitely not where she had left them, all those years ago. She sent her brother letters every once in a while through Varric, who had enough networks to get anything anywhere. She hadn’t been in contact with the rest of her clan since she married Cullen. She wondered if Ewen had told them why she hadn’t returned. Perhaps they figured it out on their own. Of course, Sphaera missed her mother and father, the Keeper who had taught her everything she had known, the halla. But she knew the rules, and she could not come back.

                 Still, she knew the ways they travelled when they moved camp. She knew where they usually set up. She knew she should not be, but perhaps just a glimpse, just a brief glimpse to make sure all was in order, to remind her of the good times when she was young and carefree.

She knew she was nearing where the clan should be. She wondered if she should get off Binky and search the area on foot.

                “Aneth ara, Fi.” The voice was soft, and it threw her off guard. Her eyes scanned the forest, and she found a familiar face grinning up at her, leaning against a tree. “Were you going to walk right past me on your…What are you riding?!”

                Her twin brother’s nose crinkled at the horse, wrinkling his Dirthamen vallaslin. Sphaera got off her steed and flung her arms around her brother. She pulled away to look at him. He still had the same dark complexion, the same brown hair thrown up in the same ponytail, the same mischievously glinting eyes. He looked like the exact opposite of her, despite the fact that they were twins. The last time she had seen him was when he visited Skyhold, years ago. She had missed him more than any other part of her clan life.

                “Ewen! Thank Mythal. I had hoped…” Sphaera trailed off. She had hoped she would catch her brother away from the clan. She wanted to talk to him.

                “I was looking for elfroot for my poultices.” Ewen said casually. He nodded to something behind her. “Your dead horse is wandering away.” He said with his famous smirk.

                Sphaera turned around, and sure enough, Binky was wandering off. She whistled. Binky raised his head at her.

                “Stay.” She commanded. Binky paused, before wandering a few more steps until he found a good patch of grass to curl up on. Sphaera rolled her eyes at him. “He’s old and grumpy.” She explained, turning back to Ewen.

                “How are you?” Ewen asked, his face becoming serious, a look that rarely graced his features. “Did you leave your shemlen at home with the dog? Will he be able to survive on his own? Shemlen can’t hunt, he may starve.” He attempted to joke, but it only reminded Sphaera of all the reasons she felt guilty for leaving him.

                Sphaera bit her lip hard, but it didn’t stop the tears from surfacing. It wasn’t just guilt. It was everything that had built up in her since Cullen had hit his head. There was something about being with her brother again that made all the things she had been trying to repress come violently to the surface. She let out a soft gasp of a sob and turned away from Ewen so he wouldn’t see, but it was too late. He placed a hand on her shoulder in concern, turning her around to face him. The breath hitched in his throat. Sphaera knew he worried more than he usually let on.

                “Fenedhis.”  Sphaera choked out. “I’m sorry--Ir abelas. I was doing so well.” The elven language started to come back to her, something she had neglected in her everyday vocabulary over the years to sound more ‘human’ and therefore taken more seriously.

                “Shut up. It’s fine.” Ewen said, pulling her into a hug. She let him hold her close, just like when they were younger and she was being picked on. “Like I haven’t seen you cry before. Remember when you were learning magic? Who did you come crying to when you burned your hands?”

                She didn’t answer. He didn’t need her to. He didn’t continue talking. She could hear his heartbeat through his chest, racing. He had done this for her last broken heart too. She didn’t think she would let herself fall in love again after that. Now here she was. In the same place. Sphaera had never fully realised the toll it took on her brother to see her in tears until now. She pulled away and wiped up her tears, gathering her emotions and shoving them down again.

                “So.” Ewen said, his face grim and his arms folding. “Are you going to tell me what he did?” She looked at him. His eyebrows cast shadows over his eyes. If Cullen had been anywhere nearby he probably wouldn’t have waited for an explanation.

                “He forgot me. Then he told me all mages should be made tranquil.”

                “Tranquil?” Ewen asked, confusion mixing in with his anger. She looked at him in surprise, but it quickly died away. Of course he wouldn’t know. He wasn’t a mage, and neither she nor the Keeper had brought it up to him, so who else would have?

                “It’s how they ‘take care’ of mages. They take away their magic, their dreams, and their emotions.” Sphaera said.

                “They can do that?!” Ewen snapped. “Wait, he wanted to do that to _you_?! That shemlen piece of shit! Why?” She watched Ewen’s shoulders tense, and his face become a snarl. That was the face she was expecting. When Ewen wasn’t grinning he was snarling. His temper was quick and fiery, and sometimes supposedly random, and he held almost nothing in. He would forgive and forget long before Sphaera would, which is why she didn’t defend Cullen when he cussed him out.

                “Because he thought I lied to him…Perhaps I did.” Sphaera sighed. She fiddled with the ring on her finger, examining it. Even if she ever stopped hoping Cullen would remember everything and beg her to come back, she believed she would keep the ring. It gave something for her hand to do when she was on edge.

                “And you didn’t tell him off, or do… _something_?” Ewen asked in alarm and anger. His voice was rising and she was afraid he might alert the clan to her presence. She couldn’t tell how close they were.

                “What was I going to do?” Sphaera asked, dejectedly shrugging her shoulders.

                “Fi, you are the most spiteful person I know. You usually come up with _something_. Bugs in his bed, destroying his reputation, I don’t know. Something to get back at him.” Ewen said. There it was, the hole in her chest she had been trying to ignore. He was going to make her say it.

                “I couldn’t think. He could have been…” she stopped, stepping away from him. “All our lives we’ve been warned about humans, and the only stories of Templars I’ve been told before I left the clan have been so terrible I thought Templars were some sort of monster made up to make mage children behave. Now I’ve talked to circle mages, and Templars, and the things they did weren’t just scary stories. They were real, Ewen. If you had seen the way he looked at me, like I was _less_ than him, like I was nothing. Creators, Ewen. Imagine what he would do if…” she cut herself off. She was already close to crying again.  

                “If what?” Ewen said. “Because if you’re wondering if you could fight him and win, I am almost certain you could. You could take him. And if you won’t do it I will.” Ewen snapped, pacing angrily in circles.

                “I’m having his child, and if that child is a mage, I can’t risk staying near him.” She watched the fury die from her brother’s eyes and his shoulders slump in shock. He stood, perfectly frozen, mid-angry-pace, like a halla caught before a racing cart.

                “You’re…Fenedhis lasa.” He stared at her wide-eyed like he was trying to see in a room with no light.

                “Leave it. I’m fine.” Sphaera said automatically. He stepped towards her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

                “What are you going to do?” he asked, suddenly looking much more frantic than she felt.

                “What else can I do? I’ll raise the child myself.” Sphaera said, pushing away from him.

                “Sphaera, no.” Ewen groaned, rolling his eyes at her.

                “Yes!” Sphaera snapped in irritation. “This is my child and I will do what I want.” Ewen sighed and leaned against a tree with a grunt. He thought for a moment.

                “Come back to the clan.” Ewen said suddenly.

                “I can’t, Ewen. The baby will look human. They won’t let me back in.”

                “You want to keep it, then?” Ewen asked. She shot him a glare as an answer. If she wanted to give the baby away she wouldn’t be so concerned. He winced, throwing his hands up defensively. “ _Fine_. Fine. I’m sure we could manage something with the Keeper. You saved the fucking world for Mythal’s sake!” his voice was rising. He was getting frustrated. Sphaera knew the clan couldn’t be an option for her. Not anymore.

                “Or you could come live with me, if you’re so concerned about it.” Sphaera said softly, calmly.

                “I’m the clan’s only healer. Even being away now we’re all just praying nobody gets impaled or something.” Ewen said. “Besides, _my_ husband hasn’t forgotten about me.” Sphaera’s brow furrowed as her chest tightened.

                “Not funny.” She said, but her voice wavered.

                “Fenedhis.” Ewen cursed. He shuffled closer to her and wrapped an arm around her. “Ir abelas. I didn’t mean it. I’m an ass.”

                It reminded her of all the times he fixed her burnt hands, or scrapped knees. Every time she felt bad, he had been there. He was her best friend. She was being so stubborn she didn’t realise how badly she needed him to be there.

                “I’m going to kick his shemlen ass.” Ewen growled. “Where is he?”

                “Hopefully at his sister’s house. Leave him be.” Sphaera said.

                “Where’s his sister’s house?” Sphaera pushed away from her brother to glare at him.

                “Leave him be.” She repeated, this time more forceful.

                “He needs to know what he did, the bastard!” Ewen hissed.

                “Let him remember. He doesn’t remember me. Just leave him.” Sphaera said, looking away. Ewen was silent a long time.

                “Is that why you won’t come back to the clan? Are you waiting for him?” he asked in a low, angry tone. Sphaera didn’t respond. “I’ll kick his ass until he remembers and feels bad for everything he did.” Ewen said, hugging her close again.

                “That’s not how it works, Ewen.” Sphaera said shakily.           

                “I’ll do what I can to fix this, Fi.” Ewen said, ignoring her.

                 Sphaera’s stomach growled loudly. She had forgotten to pack food, and what she had bought in Denerim only lasted her until Kirkwall, which she rushed out of too fast to get anything. She was never a hunter of the clan, but her mother was, and so she figured she might apply those skills to getting food. Then she ended up in the Lavellan territory and didn’t want to impose on their hunting lands lest she encroach.

                “Do you have food?” Ewen asked.

                “I was going to hunt once I got out of your hunting grounds.” Sphaera said sheepishly.

                “I’ll help you look for something to eat. Follow me.” Ewen said. Sphaera was about to protest, but her brother was off. Sphaera sighed. She managed to get Binky back up on his feet and dragged him along through the wooded area.

                The woods were familiar to her. They reminded her of easier times. Yet new plants had grown and old trees had fallen. It had the same type of trees, the same birds and other types of wildlife, but it had changed. She too had the same basic look, the same vallaslin, but she felt different. She felt a bond with the Dalish still, she didn’t think she would ever lose that, but their world was so narrow compared to hers now. She had seen and done so much, even if she hadn’t fallen in love with a human, she didn’t know if she would come back. But she was the only other mage in the clan when she left. She might have come back for duty. But would she have been happy? It was impossible to say.

                Sphaera was so lost in her own thoughts that she didn’t notice the sounds of the clan until they had reached the outskirts of camp where the hunters were keeping watch.

                “Ewen!” Sphaera hissed, halting. Ewen turned to her in exasperation.

                “Just get some food. Say hello to mother and father.” Ewen urged, stepping towards her. “Come meet my husband.” He held out his hand to her, his eyes pleading with her.

                “Ewen, you know I can’t.” Sphaera said, her heart sinking. She took a step away from him and he looked hurt.

                “I’ll go try to get you some supplies.” He grumbled, before heading into camp. Sphaera sighed. She didn’t want to take anything from the clan. They needed it more.

                Within a few minutes, Ewen arrived, arms empty. Keeper Deshanna Istimaethoriel was following behind him. Sphaera let out a soft sigh of aggravation.

                “Aneth ara, da’len. I have received your letters on the new developments to our history. You have done well.” The Keeper said.

                “Thank you.” Sphaera said, bowing her head slightly in gratitude. There was nothing more humbling than her old teacher and leader, except perhaps her parents. She immediately felt like a child again, all the years as Inquisitor and Herald having washed away.

                “I had expected you to return after your duties were through. You never explained why you haven’t come back.” The Keeper said. “Now your brother says you do not wish to enter our camp, yet you are here, in our hunting grounds.” She tilted her head slightly in questioning.

                “You didn’t tell her?” Sphaera asked Ewen in shock. Ewen shrugged, his arms folded.

                “I wasn’t about to tell on you.” He said. He avoided her eye contact. He had wanted there to be a chance she could come back. He had kept a place for her in the clan in case she needed it. A part of her was angry. He was relying somewhat on her breaking up with Cullen, but the fact that she _had_ left Cullen soothed her anger. Ewen just missed her, and he was trying to be helpful. She turned to Keeper Deshanna calmly.

                “I didn’t think I should return. There is no place for me in the clan anymore.” Sphaera said carefully.

                “Yet you came back?” the keeper asked, raising her eyebrows. She seemed unconvinced. Sphaera paused, glancing at Ewen. His eyes were shooting many different warnings at her, she presumed to not tell the truth. She ignored them.

                “I fell in love with a human while I was with the Inquisition.” Sphaera said, looking back to her Keeper calmly. “We were married—we were bonded a few months ago. Now I am having his child.” She said. “He lost his memories of me recently and I left.” The Keeper took in all the information with a furrowed brow and a gentle nodding of her head to indicate she was listening intently. Sphaera could not read any reaction from her.

                “Where are travelling to, da’len?” she asked. Sphaera blinked at the term of affection. She had not expected to still be treated with any type of fondness when she confessed what she had done.

                “Antiva city. I have a friend there who will give me shelter until I can figure out what to do next.” Sphaera said. The keeper glanced back at the clan, then at Sphaera.

                “Antiva is still a long way from here. Come, da’len. You will need a safe place to stay the night. You can stay with us, we will keep you safe and give you supplies, and then you can go wherever you need to in the morning.” Sphaera’s eyes widened. She hadn’t expected this mercy. She was frozen with shock. The Keeper smiled reassuringly. “You have given this clan so much, da’len. We will not turn you away if you need us. If you wish to leave, I will not hold you back. But I will not turn you away either.”

                Sphaera nodded, keeping her face calm. Inside she wanted to cry. She had been so willing to give this up, and they took her back without question. After everything that had happened she was so relieved. She thought that maybe one day she could bring Cullen back to the clan. A pain tore through her like a healing wound being torn open again.

                Ewen put an arm around her and guided her into camp, Keeper Deshanna walking beside them.

                “The funny part is she married a Templar.” Ewen commented with a grin.

                “Really?” The Keeper said, raising her eyebrows in surprise at Sphaera.

                “Ex-templar.” Sphaera corrected. “It was funnier a month ago.” She shot her brother a glare.

                “Oh…Right. Ir abelas.” Ewen said awkwardly.

                As she entered camp she was hit with nostalgia. Everything was still the same, the aravels, the clothing. The clan was a little older, but otherwise unchanged by the rifts in the sky. It was almost absurd how something could still be the same after Corypheus. Perhaps this was indication she had done a good job. Some things were still untouched by red lyrium and demons. Some things were still alive and thriving, even though all odds seemed to be against them.

                Her hand tightened on Binky’s reins. Binky nickered at the halla. They seemed indifferent to him. Sphaera let go of the reigns and Binky trotted over to a group of halla and laid down in the midst of them, making them dance around to make room for him.

                “Your dead horse is an asshole.” Ewen noted.

                “I know.” Sphaera sighed. “But he’s loyal.” She glanced at him. “Sort of like you.” He glared at her. Then someone caught his attention to the side of Sphaera and he waved.

                “Father! Guess whose home and about to give you a grandchild?” Ewen said. Sphaera gave him a horrified glare. This was going to be difficult to explain.


	11. Chapter 10

                Sphaera turned to face her father, but he was not there. Standing in his place was another elf she did not recognise, giving Ewen a questioning look. Sphaera shot a glare over her shoulder at Ewen. He didn’t tease anyone nearly as much as he did her. She assumed it was his odd way of showing affection. He was trying to make her smile by harassing her, which was so stupid it was almost endearing, though only because he was her twin.

                “Who is this?” the new elf said, causing Sphaera to turn her attention back to him. His voice was soft and had a bubbly quality to it despite the fact his tone was more confused than chipper. He seemed unfazed by the fact that Ewen had tried to pass him off as their father. Sphaera figured he must have been around for a while to be used to Ewen’s shenanigans. She held out her hand for him to shake.

                “Andaran atish’an. My name is Sphaera. I’m Ewen’s sister.” The new elf blinked in surprise before clasping her hand in his with a wide grin. Sphaera smiled warily. He had even gone so far as to place his other hand over hers. It had been too long since she had had a handshake that wasn’t formal or cold.

                “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you!” the man said. “Ewen has told me so much about you. I am glad you’re back. He missed you.” Sphaera shot Ewen a confused look. Why did this man know so much about her? Was Ewen spouting off stories about her adventures? She supressed a shudder at the thought. If she was rolling her eyes at Varric’s depiction of her, she could look forward to cringing at Ewen’s. He had once recommended she set the Winter Palace on fire during the next ball, and she had no doubt he would fill in his stories with such horrible ideas, true or not.

                “My husband: Padric.” Ewen said with a proud little grin. He placed a hand on Padric’s back in an inadvertently possessive manner. It wasn’t a jealous move, but a brag. She wondered if he introduced him to everyone like this.

                “Oh!” Sphaera smiled warmly at Padric. “Mythal preserve you. You actually bonded with Ewen. And they said _I_ performed miracles.” Ewen had written her a letter when he got married, but he never went into too much detail. She was wondering what type of man could win her brother’s heart, and also the heart of the Keeper, if she agreed to marry them even though they would not be able to produce children. Sphaera suspected it had been the strong need for the clan’s healer to stop causing as many injuries as he healed.

                “Oh, he’s not so bad. He started off a bit grumpy, but he has a good heart.” Padric said with a chipper smile. He gave Ewen a kiss on the cheek. Ewen tried to hide his smile and looked away, a faint blush dusting his cheeks. “You should have seen him when I got my vallaslin. I think he paced a hole in the floor.” Padric chuckled, wrapping an arm around Ewen and pulling him into him. Ewen’s proud grin turned into a scowl of embarrassment.

                “He did the same when I got mine!” Sphaera laughed.

                 Ewen had told her a little about Padric. He was a city elf of some sort who had come to live a Dalish life. The keeper had put him in charge of teaching Padric, most likely to teach Ewen some responsibility, and they had fallen in love.

                Sphaera could hardly believe someone had gotten Ewen to settle down. Ewen, who would either fight or have sex with anyone who came into his field of vision. Ewen’s husband was so soft and gentle too. She wondered how he handled his fiery personality.

                “Speaking of which,” Padric said, pulling away to show Ewen his hand. “I burned my hand making a fire.” Ewen snatched the hand up, examining it. Sphaera was only a couple feet away, and she couldn’t see any damage, so clearly it wasn’t that bad. Even Padric had mentioned it casually, seeming completely unconcerned.

                “Fenedhis.” Ewen growled. “You have to be more careful! I swear to Mythal, Pad. Come on, I’ll get you a salve.”

                “Ewen, it’s only a small burn.” Sphaera pointed out. He had treated second-degree burns all over her hands and arms before, it was completely unnecessary for him to be freaking out. Padric looked at her in amusement and chuckled.

                “You would think the world is ending, the way he reacts.” Padric agreed, pulling Ewen into a hug. Ewen scowled at him, then his sister.

                “Father is with the halla. Go bother him for a bit.” Ewen ordered Sphaera. He looked to Padric, his scowl softening slightly. “Does it hurt too much?” Padric gave him a patient and reassuring shake of the head. They both turned back to Sphaera, seeing as she had not left.

                “Alright.” Sphaera said with a knowing grin. “We’ll talk later.” She told Padric. He beamed at her with the cheeriest of smiles as Ewen dragged him away.

                “I can tell this world is unfair if people as sweet and innocent as you are allowed to get hurt.” She heard Ewen grumble.

                “You’re so dramatic.” Padric chuckled back cheerily. She still couldn’t believe Ewen had managed to marry someone so cheery and serene.

                She headed over to where the halla were congregated. One of them popped its head up and snorted in surprise at her arrival. Sphaera’s father was carving one of the younger one’s horns, his back turned to her. He looked up when the halla started to swarm her.

                “Aneth ara.” Sphaera chuckled at the halla. Having a halla Keeper as a father meant that Sphaera and Ewen had been raised alongside the halla. They were friends to Sphaera when no one else would play with her. She pet one of the soft noses. Another bumped into her. She was surrounded by sniffing and snorts. It was good to be home again.

                “Sphaera?” the sea of halla parted and her father emerged, shock on his face. His voice was still just as soft and gentle as ever, and his eyes still shone just as bright as they did before the Conclave. His expression quickly melted into joy as he pulled his daughter into a hug. “You are back! Let me get a look at you.” He pulled away to look over her. He glanced at her lack of arm, his brow furrowing.

                “The mark was killing me, we had to get rid of it.” Sphaera explained. “I told Ewen to tell you.”

                “He did.” Her father responded. “But it’s still…” he cupped his daughter’s cheek. “You have been on quite the adventure, da’len. I’m glad you have come back to us.” He sighed, with a small smile. His thumb brushed just beneath her eye. “Your lashes have changed colour.”

                “It’s make-up.” She said, her cheeks heating up with shame. Perhaps she was more integrated with human culture than she thought.

                “I know, da’len.” Her father chuckled, patting her cheek.

                “Father, I—“ Sphaera was cut off by a scream that scattered the halla. Arms were flung around her.

                “Da’len! You’re home!” it was her mother’s voice, getting high-pitched with excitement, like always. Sphaera sighed, but couldn’t help but smile at her mother’s loud excitement. How she managed to keep quiet long enough to hunt, Sphaera didn’t know.

                “Mother, it’s nice to—“

                “What is this on your finger?” Sphaera’s mother had picked up her hand and was examining her ring. “Are you a fancy shemlen noble now?” she teased.

                “I believe Padric mentioned rings are used in the cities to indicate the bonding of mates.” Her father stated softly. Her mother’s eyes widened and her hand went to her hip.

                “You have bonded with someone, and you didn’t tell us? Where are they?” her mother’s eyes scanned the camp.

                “He’s a human.” Sphaera said. “And he used to be a Templar.”

                Her parents stared at her in silenced shock. Sphaera fiddled with the ring on her finger. She had been doing that a lot lately. Her mother’s mouth hung open and her father just stared at her in startled confusion, his brows furrowed.

                “Oh…Well…It would have been nice to meet him. I’m sure a Templar perspective on things would be…interesting…” her father tried. Her mother shot him a glare.

                “I know. Unfortunately, he hit his head and forgot about me. I’m on my way to the home of a friend so I can be away from him for a while. I don’t want him near the baby until he remembers.” Sphaera said, talking a deep breath in to steady herself. She prepared for the worst response.

                “Baby?” her mother squeaked out. Sphaera gave her a sheepish smile and set a hand on her still-flat-ish belly.

                Her parents were stunned into silence again. Sphaera sighed softly.

                “We…Have a lot to talk about. I will make tea.” Her mother said, rushing off. Her father waited until she was gone. He seemed to recover from the shock of it all in an instant and make up his mind.

                “I had never expected you to follow your heart before your duty, da’len. I’m proud of you. I will pray to Mythal that it all works out for the best.” He said.

                “Ma serannas.” Sphaera thanked him with a small respectful nod of her head. He wrapped his arm around her and guided her to a fire. “Will mother think the same?” she asked.

                “Once she calms down and with a little more information? I think so. You have always been a good daughter, a dutiful daughter. We will always be proud.” Sphaera smiled at her father.

               

                The clan fed her well. After telling her parents what had really happened, she recounted stories to the other members of the clan. She found herself exaggerating slightly as the children stared at her with wide-eyed wonder. Perhaps she was too accustomed to Varric’s storytelling ways, perhaps it was the look in their eyes when she told them she came out of a dragon attack without a scratch. Perhaps she remembered a time when she was just as hopeful and dreamed of being a hero, just like they did. She didn’t know how hard it would be. People didn’t want a person, they wanted a Herald, and those were hard expectations to live up to. She didn’t tell that side of the story.

                It was when night fell and everybody but the hunters guarding the camp was asleep that it all came back to her. She had become so accustomed to Cullen’s arms around her when she slept, to his murmurs in his sleep. Even the night she had spent on the couch, he was only a room away. It was like when she went out with the others and Cullen remained in Skyhold. This time, though, she didn’t have somewhere to return to that he would be waiting. She didn’t know if she would ever see him again, or if it would be wise for him to ever see him again.

                Someone nudged her with their foot. She looked up to see the shape of Ewen in the darkness, his elven eyes glowing back at her.

                “Are you alright?” he whispered.

                “Go back to your husband. I’ll be fine.” Sphaera lied, turning her back to him. Ewen was silent, but she did not hear his footsteps go away.

                “Move over.” Ewen commanded. She heard him sit down next to her on her sleeping mat. She shuffled over. Ewen curled up next to her.

                Sphaera’s mind turned to eighteen years prior. She had lost her virginity to the boy she loved, and he had left her in the forest to meet up with the woman he was to bond with the next day. She never told Ewen what had happened, but he had figured out the gist of it. He had spent the night by her side then too.

                They were adults now, and both married, and yet Ewen hadn’t changed. Neither had their relationship. He was embarrassingly rash and aggressive, but she loved her brother. He was and always would be her best friend. She buried herself in his arms and he grunted.

                “Try not to suck up all of my body heat. I need it.” He grumbled, already half-asleep.

                “No promises.” Sphaera said.

 

                The next morning she wasted no time getting packed. She tried to make her goodbyes short and her departure quick. It was hard leaving, but she knew she had to. She had seen the world, and she knew the clan didn’t believe the things she did now.

                Ewen caught her before she climbed on Binky.

                “I’ll make this right, Fi.” He said seriously. “I won’t let him do this to you.”

                “Ewen, be responsible. Stay with the clan.” Sphaera sighed. “I’ll send word when I settle somewhere.” Ewen frowned at her. “Dareth shiral.” She said, climbing up on Binky.

                “Dareth shiral. Be careful.” Ewen grumbled, folding his arms. She rolled her eyes at her brother before riding off.

 

                She had a surprisingly easy time finding the Montilyet mansion. Apparently Josephine’s family had been back on the rise to their former glory. Sphaera was happy for her. Josephine deserved it. She had seen her toil away day and night to bring back her family name while simultaneously raising the reputation of the Inquisition.

                She knocked on the heavy, wooden door and was met with an elven servant. Sphaera smiled softly at the elf’s surprised face.

                “Andarran a’tishan.” She said. She knew the servant wasn’t Dalish, but it spilled from her lips anyway. Perhaps it was the thought of her clan. She already missed them more than she would ever admit. Especially now that the ride had given her time to think leaving them was all for naught. “I’m here to see Lady Josephine? My name is Sphaera Lavellan.”

                “Right this way, my lady.” The servant said, gesturing Sphaera inside. Sphaera walked inside to the foyer. It was grand. Perhaps not as grand as the Winter Palace, but just as grand as the mansions in the Emerald Graves, though with an Antivan style. Chandeliers and wood-carved pillars and marble floors. It was gorgeous.

                “If you would wait here, I will alert Lady Josephine to your presence.” The servant said, her accent thick.

                Sphaera sighed deeply and took in the decorations. She had never been to Antiva, so she could never have guessed what the Maison de Montilyet looked like, but here it was. Somehow it was exactly as she had imagined, and yet nothing like it. It was not like Orlais, covered in gold embellishments and crown molding on every surface, but it did have the same air of aristocracy superior to other forms of aristocracy. She wondered just how much in the mansion was Orlesian. She was examining a particularly Orlesian vase when Josephine entered the room.

                “Comtesse Rutherford-Lavellan! You’ve come only a half-day after your note. I would have given you better directions if you had allowed me time to respond.” Josephine’s tone was half-scolding, but her rambling showed she was excited. She clasped Sphaera’s hand in both of hers and smiled warmly at her. “But where are my manners! What a pleasure to see you. Please, come in. Shall I call for some tea?”

                Josephine gestured to a passing servant without waiting for a response. She led Sphaera into some sort of lounge. Sphaera assumed it was some sort of room for visitors. Josephine had once tried to explain the many rooms that guests were brought to depending on the situation, guest rooms, waiting rooms, living rooms. It was all very complicated.

                Josephine closed the door behind her and gestured gracefully at the couch behind Sphaera before taking a seat herself on the edge of a plush armchair nearby.

                “You didn’t mention how long you’d be staying in your letter. Of course, you’re welcome to stay as long as you would like.” Josephine said.

                “I…I don’t know.” Sphaera said, frowning and shaking her head at herself. “I thought he might go to Kirkwall. He might go anywhere in Fereldan, maybe even make his way to the Winter Palace. I think I may be getting a bit paranoid. I ran so fast I didn’t quite think… We bought a plot of land in Fereldan. The house was still being built and the furniture hadn’t come in, last I checked, but when that’s done I promise I will stop burdening you.”

                “You could never be a burden.” Josephine said softly, her face showed concern. “What exactly happened? Did Cullen do something?” she looked uncertain. The Cullen they both knew couldn’t have done anything to warrant her fleeing. At least, Sphaera couldn’t think of anything.

                “No!” Sphaera protested. “Yes…I…” she ran a hand through her hair and sighed. How could she explain why she was so afraid to someone who was also close to Cullen?

                The servant came in with a tray. Sphaera straightened herself and glanced away. She instinctively wiped the emotion from her face, not wanting to appear weak to anyone but her closest confidants. The servant made to pour the tea, but Josephine held out a hand to stop her.

                “Thank you.” She said, dismissing the servant girl. She curtsied, then left them. Josephine poured their tea, she knew how Sphaera liked it. They had once lived in close proximity to one another and shared countless cups of tea. Sphaera took the time to collect her thoughts. She accepted the teacup Josephine gave her with a grateful nod.

                “He forgot how to…understand…I assume you received my previous letter?” she asked. Josephine nodded, listening intently. Sphaera told her the basics. She was getting tired of explaining to every person she met what had happened. It was worse than the initial round of letters. She had to look at their faces when she told them, brace herself for the pity, and try to force down her own emotions when telling the story.

                “I’m sorry…” Josephine said quietly. “Did he…Did he do anything more?” Sphaera glanced at her. She knew what Josephine was asking, in her overly polite and tactful way. Sphaera set her tea down.

                She had once caught Cullen beating himself up about the past. He had told her what had happened in Kirkwall, the way he had acted. Sphaera had forgiven him then. Sphaera had forgiven Rainer almost immediately after she was told his story. Sphaera had forgiven Solas, and she had yet to find him again. If she had only herself to worry about, she would have tried to patch things up with Cullen. She would have helped, perhaps a bit sterner than before. She knew he was just hurt, angry, and confused. But now there were risks involved Sphaera wasn’t willing to take.

                “He did not.” Sphaera said, her back stiffening. She bit her lip but it did not prevent the sob that escaped her throat. “Before the accident we were trying to start a family. We didn’t know when the next battle would be, or if they would ever end for us, and we…It’s been a couple months, Josie. I’m having a baby, and if that baby is a mage, I can’t…” her voice cracked. She let out a shaky breath to calm herself down, her brow furrowed. She couldn’t keep crying like this. She was the Inquisitor. She had killed at least two gods and led a full, powerful organisation when the world was in chaos. She had to keep herself strong.

                Josephine stood and sat by her side on the couch. She set a gentle hand on Sphaera’s arm.

                “You can stay as long as you need. I will help however I can. I can get you the finest doctors in Antiva.” She said.

                “Thank you. I shouldn’t need much I just…Needed someplace safe to catch my breath.”

                She always felt bad for leaning on her friends, even when they offered it. She had been trained to run a clan, and then acted as a heroic figure for long enough to feel like if the world placed itself on her shoulders it was her responsibility to carry it. It would be presumptuous to ask for help when she had been the only one with a mark on her hand. Regardless of her lack of belief in Andraste, she was the Herald, and that meant a lot to a lot of people. She didn’t want to disappoint them. She was among the few heroes of Thedas, and like it or not, that meant it was expected of her to save the people. She had to be strong. And here she was afraid and nearly crying again in the Montilyet household.

                “I only have a few bags, I grabbed what I could and I ran. Perhaps I shouldn’t have.” She let out a chocked laugh. “I’ve taken down an archdemon, I don’t know why he scared me so much.”

                Josephine frowned and glanced away. Sphaera halted talking to examine her. She was as gorgeous as ever. Sphaera had a crush on her when she first arrived in Haven. She wondered for a moment if things could have been different if she had chosen to focus her affections on Josephine instead. Perhaps they could have had something. Maybe not. She wiped the thought from her mind. She couldn’t start thinking such things now. Not after what happened. Everything was still up in the air, and her heart was still in pieces. She knew better than to get stuck in ‘what ifs’ now. It was a dangerous and circular game. Especially when Cullen could be out there, remembering everything, missing her, beating himself up about it.

                Sphaera reached for her tea and sipped it in a vain effort to clear her mind. She pulled at her outfit and straightened herself out.

                “I will make sure you get our finest guest rooms.” Josephine said, lightly patting Sphaera’s arm.

                “ _Rooms_?” Sphaera said, eyes widening. “Oh no, Josephine don’t let me impose! I only need a mat on a floor somewhere. I hardly need multiple rooms.”

                “Nonesense! You are our guest, and our finest rooms shall be yours for as long as you need.” Josephine said, standing. “The Montilyet name would not be what it is today without you. Besides, you seem like you could use some pampering.” She opened the door to the room and caught the eye of a passing servant. “Prepare the lavender rooms for Lady Rutherford-Lavellan.”

                Sphaera’s breath caught in her throat at the use of the name. Her eyes flickered to the ring that was still on her finger. It was a simple gold ring with the words “my heart” engraved on it. Cullen had the same, but with “ma vhenan.” Sphaera sipped her tea again.

                “I’m sorry for the interruption.” Josephine said, sitting back down. She looked to Sphaera in concern. “What can I do to help? Would you like to tour Antiva City? Perhaps we can relax, do some shopping in the square?”

                Sphaera smiled softly at Josephine. She was a sweetheart, despite being so involved in the backstabbing and bitter world of The Game. Sphaera always admired that about her.

                “Alright.” She said, taking a deep breath in. “I would love to see Antiva. Will we be dining on some of your delicacies while I’m here?” she asked.

                “I can certainly arrange it.” Josephine said, her face easing into a smile of relief. Sphaera felt a rush of relief as well. Perhaps, at least for a few hours of the day, she could pretend she was visiting a friend, that everything outside the city was still safe and happy for her. She could forget everything she was worried about and go shopping. Despite the fact that she complained about Orlesian frivolity, she did enjoy pretty things once in a while. Perhaps the markets would distract her.

                First she needed to rest, and relax. The travel had made her weary, and it was getting dark out.

                “If you don’t mind, I am quite tired, though. Maybe we can arrange for all those things tomorrow?” Sphaera said.

                “Of course!” Josephine said, standing. “I will show you to your room myself. Shall I send for a bath?” she asked. Sphaera rose from her couch and looped her arm in Josephine’s.

                “That sounds lovely.” Sphaera said with a smile.

                “I do hope you like it here.” Josephine said as she guided Sphaera up to her rooms. “I will do my best to make sure you are comfortable. If you need anything, just let me know.”

                “Of course. I know how many miracles you are capable of.” Sphaera said with a coy smile. She berated herself for flirting. Josephine just chuckled. She paused in front of a door.

                “Here are your rooms.” She said with a sweeping gesture from her hand. “The bath will be up momentarily. Would you like a particular scented oil?” she asked. Sphaera definitely missed this, though she would never admit it to her clan.

                “Surprise me.” She said.

                “Alright. Good night, Sphaera.” Josephine said cheerily. Sphaera waved her goodbye and opened the door to her rooms.

                The walls were painted in Lavender, and two rooms, open t one another lay waiting for her. One was host to a giant, four-poster bed with translucent fabric draped over it. There was a soft and lush carpet on the floor before the bed. In the room beside it, the one she had entered through, there was a small table and chairs and a fireplace that a servant was prodding with a poker. She jumped to attention when Sphaera walked in.

                “Oh. Pardon me.” Sphaera said, holding out her hand as if to steady the poor elven girl. “I didn’t mean to startle you. Do you have quite a lot of work to do?” she asked.

                “Not too much, Lady.” Her Antivan accent was thick. The way elven servants treated her like a noble always made her slightly uncomfortable. The way the young girl was staring at her like she was about to chew her face off didn’t help.

                “I’m sorry to bother you. Carry on with your duties.” She said. She moved to one of the big windows. The night was just dropping, and she suspected most Antivan nobles in this part of the city were settling down for an extravagant meal. She wondered if Cullen was eating well. Perhaps he had gone to his sister’s house. Mia would feed him well. If he went to Kirkwall, perhaps Varric would invite him over and feed him.

                She caught herself fretting and scolded herself. Cullen was a grown man who had lived on his own before. He could manage to feed himself. He was often the one who cooked, between the two of them.

                The bath came up. The servants evacuated the room except for one bright elf woman with dark hair.

                “My name is Marie. Lady Josephine said I am to be your personal servant. I am honoured, your grace.” She said, curtsying. “Is there anything else I can get you?”

                “Are all of the servants in this household elves?” Sphaera asked. Marie blinked.

                “Many of us, yes.” Sphaera frowned. “The Montilyets treat us better than any other household would, and the pay is good. I am happy to be here. Lady Josephine treats us very fairly.”

                “Right.” Sphaera said, nodding. “Thank you, Marie. I think I have everything I need for the night.” Marie curtsied and left, leaving Sphaera to sink into her much needed, Crystal-Grace smelling bath.


	12. Chapter 11

                Sphaera had breakfast privately with Josephine. Perhaps it was her time in the Inquisition, trying to keep up with Cullen and her inquisitor as early risers, and Leliana who never slept, or perhaps she was always an early riser, but the rest of the Montilyet family was soundly asleep or taking breakfast in their bedrooms that morning.

                Josephine was sorting through the morning mail while they ate. She paused at one letter and handed it to Sphaera.

                “This is addressed to you.” She said, looking slightly surprised. Sphaera frowned and took the letter, examining the handwriting. She felt Josephine’s glances as she tried not to stare but let curiosity get the better of her.

                “Varric.” Sphaera said, cracking open the wax seal with a fingernail. She scanned over the letter. “I stopped by Kirkwall on my way over here to send you a letter. I didn’t have much time to talk with him. He’s just making sure I made it here alright.” Sphaera smiled softly at the letter, then glanced at Josephine. “He says ‘tell Ruffles she had better make sure you don’t get all Herald on us and try to do something heroic and stupid.’” She read aloud with a smile. Varric had had enough heroic friends to last anyone two lifetimes. She honestly didn’t know how he managed.

                “I will do my best.” Josephine said. “Do you have any maternity clothes? We could go shopping today. You will love the market.” Josephine looked at her with bated breath, clearly excited to go shopping with her friend. Sphaera doubted she had many opportunities to sit back and relax anymore. Sphaera smiled at her.

                “That sounds lovely.” She responded. In truth, it did. Her clothes were not exactly the height of fashion, and she felt like Marie had no idea how to pick anything out for her. She caught her staring perplexedly at the clothes Sphaera had brought that morning.

                The Antivan markets were unlike anything she had ever seen. The effect was somewhat like when she first saw Val Royeaux. She felt humbled to be able to explore so much, to be able to see such wonders her clanmates would probably never see. There was colour everywhere, and it was loud and lively. It was almost like a tavern, except there were higher class clientele wandering around. The smaller, outdoor shops sold trinkets, beaded necklaces and low quality armour, clothing and weaponry. Sphaera’s nose caught the smell of sweet spices that drew her attention to a vendor of some sort of pastry.

                “Oh!” Josephine caught her arm, looping it in her own and urging her in the opposite direction. “You must be careful where you buy from.” She said, smiling behind her shoulder at the vendor.

                “Is it that bad?” Sphaera asked. Josephine looked at her.

                “Oh no! It tastes wonderful. Unfortunately, you will feel less wonderful afterward. And with your condition we must be careful.” Josephine said. Sphaera blinked, looking back at the vendor. He was eyeing her with some sort of maliciousness. Sphaera frowned slightly, but pushed ahead with Josephine.

                Josephine gave her facts and information as they walked through the streets, like a personal guide. Sphaera noted how her eyes lit up when she talked about certain places, ones that clearly evoked happy memories for her. It was adorable, and it warmed Sphaera’s heart, to see her friend get so excited showing her around. Then again, Josephine was the kind of person that melted her heart whenever she allowed herself to get excited about anything. It took a bit of time to break her shell of formality, but underneath was a beautiful, lively, intelligent woman.

                Sphaera caught herself staring for a bit too long and quickly shifted her attention to the streets before them. Even though she knew enough about human cities to know marketplaces were rarely in the poorer end of town, everything was packed together. Even the town square, where most of the rich people appeared to be shopping, was small and packed with people. Every alleyway was enshrouded by tightly packed buildings that only seemed to thin out back in the mansion district. It was like no place she had ever seen, and a bit overwhelming.

                It was clear she was an outcast here. She wondered briefly if Antiva city had an alienage like the other cities she had been to. They must. Humans seemed to like to keep separate from elves.

                “Here!” Josephine said, stopping in front of a large building with a sign hanging from the door with a spool and thread painted on it. “My family’s tailor. I highly recommend her for any of your needs.” She gestured to the door, allowing Sphaera to enter first.

                Sphaera blinked at the sign, but hesitantly went through the door. She had never been to a tailor before. Not officially, anyway. She had been measured by someone from the Inquisition and her dress uniform came in, fitting perfectly. She never met the person who made her outfits, nor had they ever needed to make adjustments for her, the measurements alone apparently being enough to make an outfit on. She briefly wondered who had made her uniform. She felt guilty for not thinking about it before. In her clan she knew where everything came from, and she always knew who she could thank for a nice tunic or robe. The Inquisition was too big to keep track of all the things that came and went. She stopped questioning who provided the chickens for dinner, or made the tapestries she lined her halls with. She had bigger things to worry about, and so that knowledge was delegated to someone else.

                A small bell rung as Sphaera entered the shop, causing shuffling from a back room. Josephine followed behind her, taking her place at her side. The walls were lined with shelving filled with fabrics of every style, colour and texture. Satins and silks in rich reds and pale blues, cottons and wool in dark greens and plaids. The small room was almost as colourful as the entire marketplace outside, and Sphaera had been astounded by the colours of Antiva.

                A young woman emerged from behind the shop. She was dressed in simple clothes, but not at all unfashionably. People rarely wanted dresses from someone dressed like a peasant. She smiled as she saw Josephine, and said something in Antivan that Sphaera assumed was a greeting.

                “My friend here,” Josephine said, speaking the common tongue clearly for Sphaera’s benefit. “needs some clothing. Perhaps a new wardrobe. She’s…” Josephine searched for a polite way to put it.

                “I’m _expecting_.” Sphaera said, smiling politely at the tailor. She knew as well as Josephine how rumours got around, but she found little way of avoiding it. She was in Antiva, away from her husband that so few people were allowed to be aware of anyway, and soon she would start growing. It was best to embrace it. “And I hardly need a new wardrobe. I only need a few dresses.” She sad, quirking an eyebrow at Josephine.

                “Also a ball gown perhaps?” Josephine said, ignoring Sphaera’s looks. “If you are planning on staying, I had rather hoped you would accompany me to a ball I was invited to. The Comtesse has been eager to meet you.” She said, shooting Sphaera an apologetic and hopeful smile.

                “So _that’s_ why we’re on a shopping spree?” Sphaera asked, chuckling to herself. “Alright. A ball gown as well.” She told the tailor.

                It was clear Josephine was using her for political means, but Sphaera was used to meetings with nobles by now. Besides, she knew Josephine meant well. If Sphaera was going to be living at her house, she might as well help out in any way she could. It didn’t seem malicious, it’s not like she didn’t know how to prevent herself from getting embarrassed at a ball.

                “Come. This way. We will take your measurements.” The tailor said with her thick accent, gesturing to the back room behind the counter.

                Sphaera was ushered onto a pedestal where she was measured from top to bottom. It was uncomfortable and slightly embarrassing, to be put in the spotlight and scrutinized. No matter how much she tried to convince herself her looks didn’t matter, she found she was always nervously anticipating everyone’s mean comments or looks. It was rather hard to avoid. She had a distinctly odd look to her. Her measurements were scribbled down on a clipboard. She didn’t bother trying to sneak a glance. She knew who she was and she wouldn’t allow numbers on a page to change that.

                As they looked over designs, Sphaera only felt more out of place. She had looked longingly at gorgeous dresses when she was in the Inquisition, and she had even gotten a couple, but she had never chosen what designs she wanted, or what colours or fabric. It was all a bit overwhelming. When she declared she liked a design, Josephine informed her it was out of fashion, when she was shown some more modern things she found she was impartial to most. She found herself agreeing to whatever Josephine thought was best, it was easier that way.

                “And will you be needing any…ahem..underthings?” the tailor asked. “Perhaps a nice…” she looked at Sphaera’s midriff, causing her mood to sour a bit “maternity corset?”

                “Maternity corset?” Sphaera asked unable to hide her shock and disbelief. She looked to Josephine, who seemed rather calm about the absurd concept. Sphaera had been around enough Orlesians, and enough Orlesian smutty literature, to know what a corset was, and she doubted it was safe to wear while pregnant.

                “Some people like to look as small as possible during pregnancy.” Josephine explained in a low tone that was only slightly too curt. Sphaera was causing a bit of a scene, at least by nobility’s standards.

                “But isn’t that harmful to the child?” Sphaera asked, ignoring Josephine’s pleading look to try to get her to leave the subject be.

                “No, it only makes the child even closer to the mother.” The tailor said with a warm, comforting smile, as if she was describing a hug instead of something that was designed to force her innards into the ideal shape.

                “They are already inside me, I don’t know if it’s possible for them to get any closer.” Sphaera said dryly. Josephine placed a hand on her arm, as a last resort to shut her up. It was as much of an interjection as a shout, in Josephine’s mind, and the next step would be to politely excuse them both and whisk Sphaera away. Sphaera held her tongue, feeling a bit like a child who had been chastised.

“I think, perhaps, we can skip underthings.” Josephine said with her signature polite smile. Sphaera stayed silent. She wasn’t a bad politician and she wasn’t too bad at playing The Game, but she was a Dalish mage. There were too many times Josephine had to cover for her, keep her from destroying alliances or getting the Inquisition in trouble with her ignorance. It took years to master the nuances of it, and Sphaera didn’t have that kind of training. Seeing Josephine catch her before she embarrassed herself was somewhat nostalgic. It almost cheered Sphaera back up again, remembering all the heavy sighs at the war table as Josephine argued with Leliana and Cullen over how to deal with a certain situation. She felt a pang remembering the early days with Cullen and immediately shoved the memory away.

                As they exited the tailor, Sphaera breathed in the city air as if she had been in a cellar with no windows for a week. The air did not smell clean, and it almost made her cough, but she managed to control herself. The tailor had been quite an ordeal.

                “Did you not find that enjoyable?” Josephine asked worriedly. Sphaera regarded her, her mind searching for a way to be polite and honest at the same time.

                “Next time you bring me to a tailor I will have to brush up on the latest fashions.” Sphaera said with a good-humoured grin. “I had no idea what I was doing.”

                “I _did_ spring it on you rather last minute.” Josephine said apologetically. Sphaera took her hand.

                “It wasn’t _that_ bad.” She assured. “I think the next time around I will enjoy it more.” Josephine smiled softly at Sphaera. It was such a pretty smile. Sphaera felt lucky again to know someone as sweet and beautiful as Josephine. She never would have had as good of friends if she hadn’t left the clan.

                “Perhaps we should do something you _want_ to do.” Josephine said. “You said you wanted to try Antivan cuisine? Shall we start with my favourite café?” she asked.

Sphaera’s heart lightened slightly. Food and beverage never fully fixed problems, but they made them seem a little further away. In fact, _her_ problem was very far away. Across the Waking Sea. She smiled to herself. She was going to have fun, in spite of everything. She would make sure of it.

 

                Sphaera was combing out her hair at her dressing table, marvelling at the fact that she _had_ a dressing table in her room. She was letting her hair grow out a little now, and it reached to the bottom of her earlobes.

                “Hello?” a familiar silky voice said over the messaging crystal around her neck.

                “Dorian.” Sphaera said, a smile forming on her lips. “You kept trying to get me to see a tailor, you never said it would be excruciating.” She teased.

                “If I told you that you wouldn’t have gone, and you desperately needed to.” Dorian said smoothly. Sphaera chuckled. She loved the way Dorian’s conversations turned into a battle of wits. It reminded her of her brother. “I hope you got something remotely fashionable and you didn’t pick something with a giant fur collar or something.”

                “I let Josephine take over when I got frustrated.” Sphaera said.

                “Good. She seems to know what she’s doing. Though her style is very _Antivan_ , it will be better than anything the nobles in Fereldan would wear.” Dorian said. Sphaera knew who he was referring to.

                “He’s gotten better. The last time I checked the cape was locked away in a chest with my wedding dress.” Sphaera said. “Though now I’m sure he’s traipsing around in Templar armour.” She added in distaste. She wouldn’t be surprised if Cullen had dug up some old Templar armour to feel more at home.

                “So you’re in Antiva now?” Dorian asked. “Glad you could make it to the _right_ side of the waking sea.” Dorian’s abrupt topic change brightened her mood slightly, getting her mind off Cullen.

                “I would visit you, but you haven’ abolished slavery yet, have you?” Sphaera teased.

                “I haven’t abolished _anything_ yet.” Dorian sighed. “I’m starting to appreciate your ability to get people to listen to you. Do you have any advice?” he asked. He sounded tired, and Sphaera felt sympathy for him. She had been in a similar place before.

                “I had a lot of help, and it wasn’t like I was going against the grain trying to save the world. Many people wanted Corypheus dead and the rifts closed.” Sphaera said. “But if you make them think it was their idea, maybe you can get some support from some powerful people.” She said.

                “Easier said than done.” Dorian sighed.

                “I know. I’m sorry I don’t have better advice. I had some pretty amazing friends on my side.” Sphaera said.

                “The Tevinter man with the fabulous moustache was particularly helpful, I’m sure.” he said. Sphaera grinned.

                “Oh, of course!” she said in delight.

                She noticed a figure sitting on her bed behind her. She only had one candle at her side lit, and so the person was shrouded in shadow save for the bit of moonlight pouring in through the curtains and making his outline visible.

                “I’m sorry, Dorian. I wish I could help you more.” Sphaera said lowering her voice slightly. “But something has come up and I have to go. If you _do_ need me, you know how to reach me.”

                “Of course. Are you alright?” Dorian asked in concern.

                “I’ll be fine. Goodnight, Dorian.” She said, as calmly as she could.

                Sphaera slowly let her messaging crystal fall back around her neck, watching the figure closely in the mirror. She stood as she recognised the shape.

                “Cole?” she asked.

                “I got your letter.” He said.

                “I didn’t send you a letter…I didn’t know where to send it.” Sphaera said, grabbing the candle and approaching him. The candlelight washed over him and she saw his familiar shaggy look. He was fiddling with his hands.

                “I found it. It was for Sera. You didn’t know where to send that one either. But she has friends.” Cole said. Sphaera set the candle down on the bedside and sat down beside Cole.

                He looked at her with his slightly blank eyes.

                “You were hurting, so I went to find you. But I didn’t. I found Cullen. He doesn’t remember me, and not because…” Cole looked to his hands.

                “Yes, well…Cullen and I are having a bit of a break now.” She said. Cole looked at her.

                “He’s loud and angry but inside it hurts and doesn’t make sense. He shouldn’t have yelled. He knows that.” Cole said. Sphaera frowned, feeling a pang in her heart.

                “Where is he?” she asked softly, regretting asking but feeling an urgent need to know.

                “With his family. The oldest one yelled at him for leaving, but he already feels the loss. You are answers. He wants it to be like it was, but it can’t be, and he scared away the way of figuring it out. He’s scared. He doesn’t know where you are, what you’re doing. I should tell him.”

                “Do _not_ tell him, Cole.” Sphaera said sternly. Cole blinked at her in surprise, leaning away slightly. She sighed softly, calming herself down. “You can tell him I am safe, and I am with friends. You can tell him I’m not practicing any dangerous type of magic. Don’t tell him where I am. Please. The last thing I need is a Templar hunting me down.”

                “He doesn’t mean it like that.” Cole said softly. Sphaera looked at him, examining him. He fidgeted under her scrutinizing gaze. “I will tell him.”

                “Is he taking lyrium?” Sphaera asked.

                “His hand itches to grab it in the mornings, but then he remembers what you said. He doesn’t have any. He won’t get any. He’s glad he got rid of it, it held him back before.” Cole said.

                Sphaera realised her body was tense with the anticipation of his answer, and she relaxed her body. Cullen was going to be fine. She only knew a bit of what happened to him in the past, but she knew he took over putting the city back in order after the rebellion. It took a strong person to do that. She was foolish to think that he wouldn’t be able to take care of himself, even for a second. Then again, she knew very little about lyrium addiction. She didn’t know if it still affected him.

                “He’s filled with anger.” Cole said, fiddling with his hands. “He wants to hurt someone. ‘She deserves better than this. She has never done anything wrong.’ I stopped him before he reached Cullen. He was too angry. White hot. Blinding.” Sphaera’s eyes widened at his words. She had many friends that could be angry for her sake, but most knew Cullen with some sort of friendship as well. Only one name came to mind.

                “Who are you talking about?” Sphaera asked, her voice just above a whisper. If she was right, she was going to be livid.

                “Your brother.” Cole said. Sphaera rose from the bed, pacing a few steps. She let out a heavy sigh to try to make her feelings escape.

                “What did you do to Ewen?” Sphaera asked calmly, though her tone had suddenly become slightly more authoritative. Cole did not answer immediately. She turned to look at him sternly, trying to illicit an answer from him.

                “He wouldn’t stop. I told him to stop.” Cole explained nervously.

                “Cole, it’s alright.” Sphaera said, softening her tone slightly. “What did you do?” she stepped towards him slowly and he flinched. She stopped. The last thing she wanted to do was antagonise Cole, but her brother was on the line, and sometimes Cole’s decision making skills worried her.

                “I…hit him, and put him where he can calm down.” Cole said.

                “Where?” Sphaera asked.

                “High in a tree.” Sphaera blinked at Cole.

                “How did you…?” she let out a sharp bark of a laugh and covered her mouth with her hand so she wouldn’t wake up anyone in the mansion. “You do know he can climb down, right?” she said.

                “It will take time. The tree was hugging him. It was mean at first, but I talked to it, and it agreed to help.” Cole said, relaxing enough to make eye contact again.

                “You knocked my brother out and put him in a sylvan?” Sphaera asked through her laughter. If anyone deserved to end up in a long embrace with a sylvan, it was probably Ewen. “Is he alright?” she asked. Cole nodded. Sphaera’s laughter died out and she sat down beside Cole again.

                “Cullen needs to see you to be happy, but you need to be away from him to be happy.” Cole said, his brow furrowing. “I don’t know what to do.” He said, looking to her.

                “I have some things I need to sort through, Cole.” Sphaera sighed, feeling the lightness from the picture of Ewen stuck in a Sylvan hug drain from her. “I need time.”

 

 

                Cole inspected Sphaera for a moment. She felt the normal unease she felt when he was analyzing her. “You chose before, but now you have to choose again. A heart split two ways, him or her?” he paused. “But you always loved her too. You just put it aside because you loved him. You could have loved her _most_ , but you listened to him instead.” He paused, as if trying to sort out a puzzle. “I’m confused.” He said, looking at her with big blue eyes. She let out a sharp, sad laugh.

                “I’m confused too, Cole.” She said, leaning her arm on her leg. “Is this a second chance? Did I choose wrong the first time?” she asked. Cole shrugged, kicking his feet a bit.

                “I think that depends.”

                “On what?” Sphaera asked.

                “On who you listen to this time.” Sphaera frowned, trying to make sense of what Cole said. When she looked up, he was gone, no trace of him except an open window letting in a breeze that blew at the curtains, making her bedroom dreamlike.

                “He must have picked up his dramatic timing from Solas.” Sphaera grumbled to herself, getting up to shut the window. She paused, looking over the courtyard.

                The streets of Antiva were still lit and alive, despite the late hour. She wondered briefly if it was because it was home to the nastiest group of assassins in Thedas, aside from Qunari spies. A shiver ran up her spine. Perhaps Antiva was not the ideal place for her right now. She closed the window, telling herself she was safe in the mansion. She was certain Josephine would have taken measures for her safety.


	13. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Too many plots. Too many cameos.

                The Montilyet household was more than welcoming while she was in their home, and Sphaera was grateful for it. Josephine’s parents were kind to her, and it became obvious where Josephine got her kind-hearted nature from.

                Sphaera loved the beauty of the mansions and all the places she had been invited to while she was in Josephine’s care, but she felt the familiar unease of being completely out of place. Schmoozing with nobility in Antiva City was a stark contrast from her brief stay with her clan. Everywhere she went, she was all too aware of the fact that she was an elf living a human’s life. The city was crowded, and people were inconsiderate of those around them. It was beautiful, of course, but it was also vicious.

                Even as Inquisitor, the most she relied on servants was to bring her food when she was too busy working to leave her quarters. She dressed herself, bathed herself, and took care of her own armour and horse when she could spare the time. Now she had servants around her, fawning over her night and day. It unnerved her. She didn’t want to be treated like she couldn’t do simple tasks herself. She wasn’t above any of the servants, and yet they danced around her and treated her like a fickle queen.

                When Josephine showed her around, she purposefully avoided the poorer parts of town, even if they were slightly lower than the upper middle class. Sphaera asked her about them, but she danced around the topic until Sphaera eventually dropped it.

                Sphaera awoke much earlier one morning than usual. The sun was just coming up, causing a crack of orange to split across the edge of the horizon. An idea sprung to her tired mind. Perhaps she could visit the alienage, see if there was anything she could do for the elves there.

                The hooded cape she wore covered her hair and arm, hopefully making her slightly less recognisable. She paused at her door, wondering if she should leave a note. Josephine was a bit of a worrier. She sighed, scribbling down and leaving a small note on her pillow:

                Gone for a walk. Be back by lunch at latest.

                -Sphaera

                Sphaera then snuck out of her room. The servants were just arising to prepare everything and Sphaera had to sneak through them. It was difficult, but she was rather light on her feet. She had also gotten some pointers from Iron Bull for sneaking around indoor areas, since most of her former experiences had been on hunting trips with her mother. It had taken her by surprise how well he could sneak around in spite of his size, but then again, he _was_ a spy.

                She managed to sneak herself out the front door, and then she hurried out into the city. As she made her way away from the rich part of town she realised she had no idea where she was going, and stopped, tucking herself in beside the nearest building so as not to draw attention to herself or block anyone’s way.

                Sphaera glanced around to collect her bearings. She had been in the city for at least a week now and she still couldn’t figure it out. It didn’t help she was searching for the alienage, which was no doubt in the poorer parts of town. Josephine wouldn’t bring her anywhere near those parts of the city.

                Sphaera allowed herself a soft sigh. It was too early for this. She decided to head in a direction away from the places she knew she had been, that would at least get her into the slums. From there she might find the alienage.

                It was not a slow transformation from the merchants’ district to the slums. One minute she was in acceptable housing, the next she was in a part of town that was falling apart and smelled like rot and urine. She had not grown up in wealthy circumstances, but she had never seen despair like in these slums before.

                She made her way through the narrow streets, feeling uneasy. It was one thing to fight on a battlefield, it was another to be attacked on a narrow street full of innocent people. There were a lot of shadows and many crevices where people could be hiding.

                She tried to walk around with confidence, but she was almost certain she was wandering in circles. There was only a sliver of orange left in the sky and she had no idea where she was or which way to go.

                She suddenly saw a boy bolt across the street in front of her. She caught one thing about him that drew her attention. He had elf ears.

                She trailed him, moving as quickly and quietly as she could. Sure enough, he brought her to the alienage.

                It was already bustling with action. Sphaera smiled softly as the children ran around the large venendahl, the tree that grew in the middle of most alienages.

                An elven man approached her.

                “What are you doing here?” he growled. Sphaera pulled her hood back to reveal her ears, hoping they might help. The man’s eyes narrowed at her. “Dalish.” He spat with so much disdain she thought it might be a curse word.

                Sphaera was surprised. Most alienage elves she encountered revered the Dalish, believing that they would gather together and free them from their difficult lives. Sphaera knew all too well that most Dalish clans didn’t think the city elves their concern, but how could city elves know that? The Dalish were isolated from humans as much as they could be, and in turn, isolated from the elves who lived in the human cities.

                “Where is the hahren?” Sphaera asked as politely as she could manage.

                “You’re talking with him.” The man said, folding his arms. Sphaera blinked, looking him over. He looked so young to be the elder of the alienage. He couldn’t have been a day over forty.

                “You speak the common tongue.” Sphaera said in confusion. She knew most of Orlais did, but she didn’t think the poorer parts of Antiva would.

                “Which is why I was appointed to be the hahren.” He said in distaste, as if she was stating the obvious. “What do you want here?”

                “I want to help in any way I can.” Sphaera said. The man scoffed at her.

                “Do you have an army of Dalish around here? Perhaps you’ve come to free us?” the man said.

                “No…” Sphaera said, staring at him in bewilderment. “I can offer supplies, money…”

                “A Dalish with money. That’s new.” The man said.

                “Yes.” Sphaera responded, getting aggravated in spite of herself. She had come to help and this man seemed too stubborn to accept it.

                “We don’t need your money.” The hahren said, glaring her down. “We can take care of ourselves.” Sphaera nodded in understanding, her fingers finding her ring under her cape to fiddle with.

                “Problems with the humans?” Sphaera asked. It was none of her business. She scolded herself internally for butting in where they clearly didn’t want help. She knew elven pride better than anyone. She had lived it, she had seen it at its most dangerous.

                The hahren stayed silent, glaring at her, trying to intimidate her to leave. Sphaera should have. It was the respectful thing to do. Instead, she held out her hand.

                “Sphaera Lavellan.” She said. “Formerly the Inquisitor.” She added, watching the man’s reaction. His eyes widened and his head tilted to the side, trying to determine if she was telling the truth. She held his gaze.

                “If that’s true, then you should go.” The hahren said, relaxing back into an intense stare. “The shems may think you’re a delight, but here you are a disappointment.” Sphaera tried not to show how her heart fell.

                “I did what I could to better our situation.” Sphaera said softly, carefully.

                “You did what you could to better _your_ situation. What have you done for us? What have you done for the elves in this alienage, and alienages just like it?” he snapped.

                “Not enough, I know.” Sphaera said. “But see how quickly they shoved me off my throne when they were done with me? I am with you.” She didn’t know why she was trying to convince him. She felt a strong need to justify herself. She was so much more desperate for a single elf’s approval than any duchess or empress she had been forced to impress in the past.

                “Look at us.” The hahren said, gesturing to his impoverished alienage. A women with a baby in her arms coughed violently, a dog was rooting through a pile of junk with a child, and bleary eyed elves trudged around preparing for work at their back-breaking jobs. “You are still on your throne.”

                Sphaera watched the alienage move around in silence. A man was laughing at something another man said. A woman placed a worn cap tenderly on her son’s head to keep the sun from scalding him. They weren’t just poor pathetic creatures, they were people. People she had failed. People who were still living in the same conditions they were living in before she came into power. If she did not help them, would they succumb to the outstretched hand of Fen’harel?

                “I will do what I can. You deserve to be safe.” Sphaera said. “I am sorry for interrupting your work.” She said, almost automatically. She gave the hahren a slight bow as a sign of respect, then turned to leave.

                “Herald.” The hahren said. Sphaera stopped and turned her head to him. “They think they have a right to kidnap us in broad daylight. Can you fix that?” she saw some sort of cautious hope in his eyes, and it filled her with determination. These people, in spite of everything, needed something to hope for.

                “I will try my hardest.” Sphaera said locking eyes with the hahren for just a moment to show him she was serious.

                As she walked the twisting a turning streets she felt an ache in her heart. She missed clan life, when things were simple and the only people who concerned her was the small group of elves who she was being trained to lead. Her clan had treated her with pride and kindness. She was not meant to live in the city, with the humans. It was not her place. She could do so very little for the city elves without starting a riot and probably doing more harm than good, and she was an outsider among the humans too.

                She made it back to Josephine’s mansion as clouds started to cover the sun, looking suspiciously like it was going to rain. As she entered the mansion a serving girl paused to look at her before running off in the opposite direction. Sphaera raised an eyebrow before heading up to her room to pick out something more appropriate to wear for whatever events Josephine had planned for the day.

                As she took off her cloak and noted her pretty dresses she had just bought hanging in a wardrobe for her, she smiled a sour kind of smile.

                _If only it were that easy._ She thought bitterly. _To change how they see me with a change of clothes._

                As she was pulling a dress from her dresser her door burst open. Sphaera turned around in slight surprise just in time to catch a glimpse of Josephine before she was thrown into an encompassing and tight hug.

                Sphaera tensed, feeling her heart racing. Josephine’s perfume was beautiful, and she felt every part of her ambassador’s body that was pressed against her own. The arms wrapped around her, the chest pressed against her own, the cheek on her ear, all left a tingling sensation like the moment before she was about to cast a spell. And just as instantly as it happened, Josephine pulled away and Sphaera was left with a tingling in every part where they had made contact.

                “Next time you want to go somewhere I must insist you ask me.” Josephine scolded. “I had to send someone out to look for you!” she said.

                “I had to go alone.” Sphaera said. “I needed to…See something for myself.” She internally scolded herself for enjoying being in Josephine’s arms so much, despite the fact she had spent years with her and was no longer a giggling love-struck girl.

                “Yes, but you don’t know this city at all. Need I remind you the amount of assassins in Antiva city? Not to mention you have gained enough attention to warrant an entire group that wants you dead?”

                “I can take care of myself, Josephine.” Sphaera reassured. “I have had many groups of people want to kill me before.”

                “Yes, but you always had Iron Bull, or Dorian, or someone else to fight with you.” Josephine said. “Besides, you are not in the same…condition you were in when you fought Corypheus.” Sphaera caught Josephine’s glance at her arm and hid it behind her back, feeling a pang of hurt at having it brought up by one of her closest friends. It was still fresh in her mind, and it was just another thing on the list of things that made her stand out in a crowd.

                “Yes,” Sphaera said, turning away and flattening the dress she had chosen on the bed, pretending to scrutinise it as if she was still deciding on whether she would wear it. “But you didn’t want to take me where I wanted to go. Besides, no offense, Josephine, but we both know you are hardly a fighter.”

                “You’re right, I am not, but if you go wandering off then it makes it harder for…” Josephine cut herself off. Sphaera heard the temper rising in her voice, and she felt bad. She was causing her hostess distress. The last thing she wanted to do was cause Josephine distress, though it happened more often than she would like.

                “What does it make it harder for?” Sphaera sked gently, looking to Josephine. She was not meeting Sphaera’s eye.

                “It makes it harder for the city guards to know to protect you.” Josephine said, though Sphaera could tell she was lying.

                “I’ve seen the city guards in this city. I assumed they were run by the crows. If anyone wanted me dead I would stay away from the city guard.” Sphaera said, narrowing her eyes at Josephine sternly to try to get her to talk. Josephine glanced at her and sighed.

                “It is only a precaution really. Nothing you should worry about…” Sphaera folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at Josephine. “If you wander around wherever you wish in the city, whenever you want, it will make it harder for Varric’s people to follow you.” Josephine sighed.

                “Varric’s…?” Sphaera’s eyes widened. “Varric has people following me?” she asked.

                “As I said, it’s only a precaution. He wants to protect you. We all do.” Josephine took Sphaera’s hand tenderly at the last part and Sphaera felt her aggravation dissipate. She wasn’t an unknown Dalish woman anymore. She hadn’t been for a long time. She couldn’t risk not having security. Though it would be nice for her friends to tell her if they were going to have her wached.

                “I understand.” Sphaera said softly, looking away. “I will try not to do anything reckless again. You have been more than kind to me, and I shouldn’t have run off like an upset child when you did nothing wrong.” Sphaera said.

                “That’s quite alright. I’m just glad you’re safe.” Josephine said. Sphaera shot her a small smile. Josephine returned it.

                Sphaera enjoyed Josephine’s smile. It always brightened her day. She felt a slight guilt at the comfort she was feeling at Josephine’s side. She remembered Cole’s warning about making decisions and felt her heart drop at the conflict she would have to face in the near future.

                When Josephine left the room, Sphaera’s smile fell.

 

                Sphaera swept into the ballroom next to Josephine. It was a good thing she didn’t come to flirt because at best she looked plain, and beside Josephine she might as well be a hurloc in a dress. These sort of events always made her hyper-aware of all of the things that made her stand out, that could be scrutinised. Her ears and vallaslin were already hard enough if she wasn’t a short albino with a missing arm as well. She held her back straight. If she had felt like a queen in her dress before, now she felt like she didn’t belong in it. She glanced around the room, making herself feel in charge again by reminding herself of her accomplishments. If she couldn’t have the beauty of a queen, she would certainly have the presence of one, id only to protect herself from the nasty treatment she was always expecting when she was thrown into a group of nobles who weren’t expecting her.

                “Former Inquisitor and Herald of Andraste, Comtesse of Kirkwall, Sphaera Lavellan.” Sphaera took note of the last name. She glanced at Josephine out of her peripherals. She was smiling politely, looking out into the crowded ballroom. She seemed unfazed, possibly because she had been in charge of the name cards.

                “Former Ambassador of the Inquisition and Member of State Affairs of Antiva, Josephine Montilyet.” The announcer called. Sphaera hadn’t realised Josephine had gotten that position. It must be busy work. She wondered how she took time for her friends in it all. A new appreciation and affection for Josephine bloomed in her.

                Josephine descended the steps, and Sphaera joined her. They crossed the room, said their polite greetings to the hostess, and then found a spot in the ballroom to talk.

                “I suppose congratulations are in order.” Sphaera said.

                “It isn’t as important as it sounds. I just help manage a few things.” Josephine said modestly. “But thank you.”

                “No, thank _you_.” Sphaera said, with a shy smile. “You have dropped nearly everything to help me.” She said.

                “I must be honest with you.” Josephine said. “This ball wasn’t purely for your enjoyment. I have business here, and many people have been wanting to meet you. In Antiva, you are a hero.”

                “I don’t suppose you would have anything to do with that?” Sphaera raised her eyebrow at Josephine, who avoided her gaze.

                “Not at all!” she lied with ease. “Clearly you’ve built a strong reputation for yourself.”

                “You didn’t use my full name.” Sphaera said. Josephine’s eyes widened slightly and she looked to her, pausing in the ballroom to chat. “Forgive me. I thought you might prefer it that way. I should have consulted you first, of course.” Josephine said. Sphaera calmed her by placing a hand over hers.

                “It’s fine. I was just surprised.” Sphaera said. Josephine gave her a small smile.

                Suddenly her eyes flashed across the room and she smiled, waving gracefully to someone past Sphaera.

                “Ah! There he is!” she said, a bright smile reaching her eyes that always made Sphaera a bit giddy. “Come, there is someone I want you to meet.” Josephine started through the crowd and Sphaera followed her.

                Her eyes scanned the room. There were so many dresses and fancy coats, a couple masks, many whispering pairs of people. She thought back to her first ball. The Winter Palace. It had been gorgeous, but absolutely exhausting. Watching elven servants scurry around and get talked down to, the cheating and lies and games they all played with one another, it was all so much to take in. The only thing that made it really worth it was the dancing. She had danced with the very person she executed that night and it was fabulous. She enjoyed the few moments she got alone to dance, with duchesses, and Dorian, at one point, much to the court’s disapproval.

                Then there had been Cullen. He was harassed all night for a dance, and the only one he gave was to her. It involved her toes being trampled on and muttered apologies, and him staring at his feet with his brow knit in concentration, and eventually her against his chest, in a laughing fit from his terrible dancing. He had laughed along, stopping to hold her close. That was the moment that made it worth it.

                Josephine brought her to a man in a fancy coat. He would be quite handsome if not for the bags under his eyes.

                “This is my betrothed, Lord Otranto. Lord Otranto, this is Comtesse Lavellan.” Josephine introduced. Sphaera felt the room slow around her slightly and she blinked stupidly at the lord.

                “A pleasure, Your Grace.” Lord Otranto said, offering a hand and forcing Sphaera out of her shock. Sphaera took his hand firmly and he leaned down and kissed it. Sphaera smiled politely at him. “I have heard much about you.”

                “Well, hopefully the things you have heard were from Josephine, she has always represented me fairly.” Sphaera said. She turned to Josephine. “You hadn’t told me you were engaged.”

                “Oh, didn’t I?” Josephine asked, looking embarrassed. “It happened halfway through our struggles with Corypheus. I didn’t think it was a detail to bore you with at the time. After that I must have assumed you had gotten word. It was much talked about.”

                Sphaera smiled politely at Josephine, examining her for a second. She couldn’t tell if Josephine had honestly forgotten to tell her, prioritising her work, or whether she had withheld the information due to personal reasons. Sphaera turned to Lord Otranto.

                “Have you gotten any obscure threats from the Divine yet?” Sphaera joked. Otranto frowned slightly, but smiled.

                “should I expect them?” he asked.

                “I would have hoped Divine Victoria might have a little restraint, in her position.” Josephine said, but her face showed her uncertainty.

                “Josephine is good friends with The Divine. She was our spymaster in the Inquisition.” Sphaera explained.

                “Ah. In that case, I shall have to remain on my best behaviour.” Otranto joked. Josephine chuckled, a light in her eyes as she looked at him that made Sphaera feel disappointed.

                “I shall try to fend her off for you.” Josephine teased.

                As the betrothed couple chuckled at each other, Sphaera found herself sticking out again. Josephine had always integrated her so well, but now she felt like a third wheel. She didn’t belong here.

                Her eyes searched the room for somewhere to get some air. Suddenly she felt very ill. She caught sight of doors leading to an outside garden.

                “If you’ll excuse me.” Sphaera said, giving a short bow before leaving Josephine and Otranto in confusion.

                 Once outside, she managed to find a bench away from the ball, where no-one would find her, hopefully. She sat down and took deep breaths to calm herself and her sick stomach. She looked out into the garden around her.

                It was gorgeous. It wasn’t Halamshiral, and this was not the home of an Empress, but still, the gardens had perfectly trimmed hedges and flowers planted in neat boxes. It was dark, and her part of the garden was lit only by the window beside her that seemed to peer into an empty study. It illuminated her bench and a few feet in front of her, and little else, so instead she looked up at the stars and the moons.

                “So, the Herald of Andraste.” A voice said, coming up the path behind her. “Much lovelier than I imagined.” The male voice was thick with an Antivan accent, one she did not recognise. The Antivan in question appeared in front of her. He was a blonde elf with tattoos along one of his cheeks, though not vallaslin like any she had seen.

                “Thank you.” Sphaera said politely. “Have we met?” she asked. She did not get up. She knew it would be polite, but her stomach warned her about it.

                “Not in person. Though we have a couple of mutual friends.” He said, with a smile. “My name is Zevran Arainai.” Sphaera paused.

                “You’re a friend of Leliana.” She lowered her voice, her eyes narrowing as she remembered. “I believe we helped you escape from—“

                “Careful.” Zevran said with a smirk, as if this were a game of Wicked Grace that he was winning. “They have eyes and ears everywhere.” He sat down beside her on the bench without invitation.

                “What are you doing here?” she asked, slightly appalled. He was running from the Crows, last time she checked. Why was he back in the very city they were based in?

                “I needed something for a friend.” Zevran said with a shrug and a grin. “The real question is why _you_ are here?”

                Sphaera examined him. He was dressed like a servant. Why was he at this ball? She didn’t know him, and everything about him seemed dangerous.

                “There are people hunting me down in Fereldan. I had to leave until it settles down.” She lied. He raised an eyebrow at her, his eyes becoming amused.

                “There are people who want you dead, so you come to Antiva City? Home of the Crows?” Zevran asked.

                “I don’t think you have a right to judge.” Sphaera said. “Why are you at this ball?”

                “Perhaps I am here to kill you.” Zevran said. Her eyes scanned his calmly. He was playing with her, much like a cat played with a mouse. She wasn’t fond of it.

                “That would be rather rude.” Sphaera said calmly. “I thought we were at least allies.”

                “Ah, so we are. ‘A friend of a friend is my friend’, or however the saying goes.” Zevran said. “Actually, I came to meet you in person. You can only know so much by following someone around.”

                “Oh,” Sphaera said. “So Varric sent you?” she sincerely hoped so, she had many people who want to follow her for many reasons.

                “Varric? No. Though I was wondering why Isabela was wandering around town.” Zevran said. “I wonder how much he’s paying her. Perhaps I should ask Leliana for a raise.” He thought outloud. Sphaera sighed tiredly, placing her face in her hands.

                “Do all of my friends have eyes on me?” she asked in annoyance.

                “You said you have people hunting you down.” Zevran pointed out. “And you are _rather_ important.”

                “I’m irrelevant, now.” Sphaera said raising her head to look out at the garden before her.

                “If you are irrelevant, then why am I here? Leliana doesn’t waste time on people who are irrelevant.” Zevran pointed out. Sphaera looked at him. He had a flirtatious smirk on his face, but his eyes were serious.

                If Leliana needed her, another war was surely upon them. If it wasn’t Solas, it could be the qunari, or some sort of uprising. Sphaera knew too much. She had seen too much. She could list at least ten different ways the world could end in the next ten years, if she let it. She looked down at the small bump growing in her belly. She could not let anything happen.

                “Thank you.” Sphaera said softly. She looked at Zevran. “And for whatever its worth, sorry for being difficult to protect at times.”

                “Yes, it does help when you stay in the same place and try not to wander the streets where all the assassins roam.” Zevran said, though his tone was teasing. “But I suppose one cannot contain the Herald of Andraste, yes?”

                “You would be surprised.” Sphaera said. “Sometimes it makes me miss the clan life, all of this nonsense. It was lonely at times, but at least I wasn’t put in charge of killing a couple gods and appeasing nobles.” Zevran snickered at that. Sphaera looked over him.

                “I don’t know which one is worse.” He commented.

                “I should return.” She said, standing. Her queasiness had subsided enough for her to go back inside. Zevran took her hand and kissed it. “Thank you for making sure I don’t get myself killed. I do appreciate it.”

                “Of course I am getting paid quite a nice sum.” Zevran noted.

                “I would hope so.” Sphaera laughed.

                “It was a pleasure, Inquisitor.” Zevran said, parting from her.

                She looked at her ring to be certain it was still there, figuring from their brief encounter he was the kind of troublemaker that would try to steal from her. When she looked up, he was gone. Sphaera’s brow furrowed and she stood and headed back inside. The night air had chilled her too much, and her sickness had subsided.

                She wandered inside as casually as she could manage and scanned the room for Josephine. It was too crowded, and Sphaera was too short to get a proper read of the room. She decided instead to find a clearer spot where Josephine could find her instead. She was a much easier person to find, she assumed. She stood out.

                As Sphaera strode across the room with purpose, someone stopped her.

                “Comtesse Lavellan, the hostess would be honoured if you could join her at her table.” A man, she was assuming some sort of servant, said.

                “Of course,” Sphaera said, though she wasn’t feeling up to playing The Game anymore. She followed the man regardless, hoping that she would not betray her discomfort, or let herself slip due to her distracted mind.

                The hostess was adorned with lace and jewels, and seated daintily on a small chair behind a small, two-person table. Sphaera made her introductions, she made polite chit-chat, she did everything she had learned in the Inquisition, yet the duchess still seemed to eye her warily. Sphaera was familiar with the look. Many humans didn’t believe there was an elf who could play The Game at their level. Many of them didn’t believe an elf capable of intelligent thought.

                “I noticed the alienage in this city is in poor conditions.” Sphaera risked the topic. She would never forgive herself if she didn’t. “I wondered if you may help them. Even providing them with a bit more security, they are under constant threat.”

                “You are new to this city, so I will forgive your ignorance.” The duchess said with a small, condescending chuckle and a hand daintily placed over Sphaera’s as if they were friends. Sphaera fought the urge to yank her hand away and did everything she could to keep a glare from reaching her eyes. “The elves in the alienage are made up of thieves and murderers. It is where assassins are born and bred, dear. Even if I were in charge of the alienage, which I most certainly am _not_ , placing any more guards in the area would be like throwing them into a nest of snakes. The elves don’t want protection, they want to be able to rob from us in our mansions.” She seemed to catch herself before smiling too sweetly and adding. “But of course they do not have your eloquence and tact, my child.”

                Sphaera’s eyes narrowed slightly at the condescending name. She was not much younger than this woman, and she had done so much more than her. She knew a power play when she saw one. She must have suddenly emanated presence because she caught the attention of people nearby.

                “My apologies,” Sphaera said. “I was informed that your son ran the city watch.”

                “He does, but as I said, it would be pointless to put any more guards on watch in that part of town.” Sphaera saw the duchess glance at the crowd around her, nervousness peeking out through her smile.

                “Perhaps you misunderstood me.” Sphaera said, sitting straight and staring the duchess right in her eyes, unwavering. “I was not suggesting you put biased, armed humans on duty in the alienage. I want to _remove_ them from the constant threat looming over them. I was suggesting you try to recruit and train some elves to guard the alienage themselves.” Sphaera said. The duchess blanched. It satisfied Sphaera much more than she would admit.

                “Surely you must be joking. I don’t know how it worked in the Inquisition, but we cannot just arm elves. They will rise against us!” the duchess said.

                “They allowed me to have a weapon, and I managed to save the world with it.” Sphaera said.

                “Yes, but of course, they are not _you_ —“

                “You’re right.” Sphaera said. “I was _allowed_ to have power through luck and chance, and perhaps divine intervention, depending on who you talk to.” She pulled her hand out from under the duchess’s. “Nobody knows the alienage better than the elves. You said yourself it is dangerous for your humans to go in there, then post elves. They feel safer, they have a purpose and duty to protect their fellow elves, and everybody seems to win.” Sphaera stared down the duchess, who was looking away, distaste clear on her face. “Of course, you are a busy woman, and as you said, you have no control over these things. Perhaps it will be better for it to fall in Divine Victoria’s hands.”

                “She has little power here.” The duchess stated, but it was too quick. Her face had paled.

                “She used to be my spymaster, Duchess. I can assure you she has power _everywhere._ ”

                “Are you threatening me?” the duchess asked, rising in indignation.

                “Of course not.” Sphaera said calmly, rising as well. “I am merely offering you aid in an issue you have to deal with. The non-forced, _completely voluntary_ new guard unit. I’m certain I can even manage to help you fund this project.” Sphaera said. The duchess glared down her nose at Sphaera. Sphaera stared back, daring her to make a move against her.

                Then suddenly, the duchess smiled. It was not a kind smile.

                “I will definitely see what I can do myself, Inquisitor—oh, pardon! Lady Lavellan.” She said with an air of innocence. “It has been delightful, but I have other guests to see to. Do come again, and feel free to bring your husband next time, I would so love to meet him.” The duchess’ eyes flickered to Sphaera’s stomach, which was now obviously pregnant, before smiling victoriously.

                Sphaera had been deflecting the daggers so well that night, but the last one hit the mark, and before she could come up with something else to say, the duchess was gone. She almost had what she wanted, but with one fell swoop the duchess reminded her of how little power she had, and invalidated her in front of everyone. Sphaera should have seen it coming. She should have known better than to pick battles when she had no defense prepared for the most obvious of flaws. She would be seen as an adulterer at best.

                She contemplated staying. She knew if she was trying to maintain an image, she would. But she had lost another battle for the elves. She was tired, and she was hurt.

                When she approached Josephine, Otranto was still there, laughing with her, unintentionally rubbing salt in her wound. So with a quick word to Josephine that gave her no room to protest, Sphaera left the ball.


	14. Chapter 13

                When Sphaera returned to Josephine's home she managed to get to her room before crumpling on the floor, her skirts surrounding her. She was exhausted. She was devastated.

                She thought dressing up nicely and going out would make her feel good, strong, and powerful. Instead it made her feel useless and weak, and a bit stupid. She should have known better. She had played The Game long enough to know better. Social events like that were always awful things in which people tore out each other’s throats for their own gain.

                But more than that, she found herself lost. She thought she might fit in at Josephine’s side, but even if she were not engaged, Sphaera couldn’t handle living and dealing with nobles on a daily basis, and Josephine adored it all.

                Even separating herself from the nobles, the alienages didn’t want anything to do with her either. To them she had squandered the power she had been given.

                When she went home to her clan she saw ignorance in them. They were following gods she knew weren’t real, and speaking a language they barely understood. She wanted to recover the lost elven tongue, and she wanted to know what history they had lost, but sometimes she knew Sera was right. The Dalish would remain in blissful ignorance because they want to, and then they were never in a position to help the other elves who suffer at the hands of humans.

                She did not belong in a city, she did not belong in the clan, and she did not belong among the city elves. She had very few options aside from living by herself in the country. She felt like an outcast, like someone who didn’t belong.

                She picked herself off the ground and started throwing her clothes on the bed. She was going to go. She had to.

                There was a short rap on her door. Sphaera turned to find Josephine standing at her door with a worried expression. Sphaera turned back to her packing. She didn’t want to deal with this, but knew she had to.

                “Are you alright? It isn’t like you to leave a ball early.” Josephine said, crossing the room to her.

                “Thank you for your hospitality, Josephine, but I have to go now.” Sphaera said.

                “Now? It’s the middle of the night!” Josephine said. Sphaera paused, her hand gripping the satin of one of her dresses.

                “You have been so kind to me, Josephine. But I am an intruder here. I don’t belong in Antiva city, I don’t belong in any court anywhere.” She said, turning her face to give her friend a sad smile. “But thank you for all you have done for me. I owe you.”

                “But where will you go?” Josephine asked. “Can you not leave in the morning?”

                “I could.” Sphaera said. “I don’t know. I suppose, I could go back to Kirkwall. I need to…I need to sort myself out, and last time I heard Cullen wasn’t there. I have a house waiting for me there and…” she felt her heart swell. “I’m sorry, Josie.”

                “No…” Josephine said with a sigh. “If you need to go, you should go. I just wish you would rest first. It has clearly been a taxing night for you.”

                “Yes, alright.” Sphaera said softly, her voice distant. Josephine was worried about her, and her request was hardly unreasonable.

                “I shall send someone in to help you pack tomorrow morning.” Josephine said.

                “There’s no need. I’ll do it tonight.” Sphaera said, looking forlornly at all of the new clothes she had to pack onto Binky. Josephine hung her head and let her shoulders fall slightly.

                “If there is anything I can do for you, please, let me know.” Josephine said, her voice conveying her disappointment.

                “Send word to Varric?” Sphaera asked.

                “Of course.” Josephine said. “Good night, Sphaera.”

                “Good night, Josie.”

 

                The next morning she was off bright and early. Josephine managed to be up long enough to give her a quick goodbye and make sure she had enough food packed to last her the trip. It was not a long ordeal. Sphaera didn’t want to prolong the goodbyes any longer than she had to.

                Binky protested as they made their way out of the city. He had been lazing about quite nicely until she packed him up and left suddenly.

                Riding was difficult and sore work for her. She took it slow, took breaks when she needed to, more for Binky than for herself, he disliked the additional passenger she was carrying with her.

                As she found herself drawing nearer to her clan, she realised she was trying to avoid it. She maneuvered Binky around the area and directly to Kirkwall. She didn’t want to face her family.

                She made her way into Kirkwall and found Binky a nice stable to stay at. The poor man working the place looked scared out of his mind, so she paid him well.

                She made her way to Varric’s office.

                “No.” a woman’s voice said from inside.

                “She needs help, Aveline.” Varric said tiredly.

                “I don’t care what she needs, if she wants protecting she can do it herself. This city is still in chaos and I can’t spare the men.” The voice that Sphaera assumed was Aveline said.

                “I know you have a personal vendetta—“ Varric started.

                “It isn’t about Hawke!” Aveline shouted.

                Sphaera felt old guilt arising anew. Perhaps Kirkwall was not the best place to go after all. Still, she was there, and she had nowhere else to go.

                She pushed through the door. Aveline spun around, ready to face whoever was interrupting them. Varric’s eyes widened slightly, and a grin appeared on his face that didn’t reach his eyes. She had put him in an awkward position.

                “Herald!” he greeted a bit too boisterously. He knew she hated the name, so she assumed it was more of a hint towards his other friend.

                “Ser,” Sphaera said to Aveline, giving her a nod. She looked to Varric with a stern glare “Varric.” Aveline folded her arms and looked Sphaera up and down.

                “Did you request additional guards to watch you?” Aveline asked, her face a cold glare.

                “I did not.” Sphaera said. “I don’t require any form of special treatment while I am here. I can handle myself.” She looked at Varric as she said it, and he looked away, rubbing the back of his neck.

                “Good. Then it’s settled.”Aveline said, turning on her heel and striding out of the room.

                “So that was Aveline.” Varric said awkwardly.

                “How many of your friends live here that hate me?”

                “Just her.” Varric said.

                “Oh?” Sphaera asked in disbelief. “So you gave _me_ a mansion but you didn’t give any to your other friends? All those people you included in your book? Fenris? Merrill?”

                “I offered, believe me, but they refused. They moved on, I guess.” Varric said with a shrug. Sphaera eyed him warily. She didn’t believe him, of course. This was the same man who insisted he didn’t know where Hawke was just before telling her Hawke could help them.

                “Do you have a key for me?” Sphaera asked.

                “Yeah, hold on. Let me walk you down there.” He said.

                Varric pulled open a drawer in his desk and produced a key before heading out the door. Sphaera followed him.

                “so where’s the demon-horse of yours?” he asked.

                “I found a nice stable for him.” Sphaera said.

                “Does the horsemaster love him as much as Dennet did?” Varric asked.

                “Maybe more.” Sphaera said. Horsemaster Dennet had gone straight to Josephine and complained a lot when Binky first arrived to Skyhold. He caused such a huge fuss that it had become a joke throughout the inner circle.

                They arrived at her mansion. It was big, but crammed in with other houses. Varric unlocked the door before handing her the key. She set down her bags slung over her shoulder in order to take it and pocket it.

                “Thank you, Varric.”

                “No problem, Ghost.” He said. “You up for Wicked Grace later?” he asked. Sphaera allowed him a smile.

                “Always.” She said.

                She entered her house, dropping her bags in the doorway as she looked at the place in disbelief. Of course, she had lived in a castle before, but she shared it with others. Now she lived in a house where the foyer was as big as her room in Skyhold, and every corner had some sort of detail work or candelabra. There was a chandelier glimmering in the sunlight that poured through the windows. Rugs with ornate designs decorated the house, and furniture she assumed was expensive.

                It was not at all cramped, and she found both comfort and fear in the fact she was alone. There seemed to be no servants to follow behind her and dote on her, but there was also the constant threat on her life looming over her head.

                Sphaera decided to take a bath. She was only a short distance from the market in hightown, so she walked over and bought a few scented soaps. When she returned to her estate she scrounged around until she found a bathtub hiding away in storage. It was a large, heavy looking thing. She contemplated for a moment how she would go about lifting it to her room before remembering she was alone. She could bathe wherever it pleased her.

                So she lit the fire, heated the water, and hauled it to storage. Luckily this required going down the hall, since both the kitchen and the storage were in the servants’ quarters.

                As she settled into her bath she let out a content hum. Perhaps she would get a moment of peace after all. She closed her eyes and leaned her head back, trying to her mind wander.

                The house creaked. The skittering of rodents permeated the air. The water lapped against the side of the tub as she shifted. Upstairs a clock rang out the midday hour. It was quiet in the house. Someone could be lurking. She hadn’t checked everywhere yet. There was no sound to indicate an intruder, but a skilled assassin could make himself sound like a mouse, or the wind. People wanted her dead, and she was alone in a very big house. She had never been alone before. She always had the clan, then Skyhold, then companions on missions. But here she was. No guards. No family. One friend, in another house on the other side of Hightown.

                “Fenedhis lasa!” Sphaera cursed, her eyes shooting open and searching the dark storage room. There was little there. It wasn’t lived in until an hour ago.

                Sphaera took a deep breath in to calm herself. She ran a hand through her hair, pushing it out of her face. It was longer when it was wet. She would have to cut her bangs soon, if she wanted to be able to see.

                She grabbed the soap and reminded herself of the tasks she needed to get done. She needed to supply herself with a stock of food. She needed to meet with Varric, figure out where she should and shouldn’t go, possibly see if he could recommend a good healer in town.. She had to make sure she had a healer at the ready now, so many things could go wrong. She had to explore the house, make sure it was secure. She had to send out letters, rally an effort to improve alienage conditions. She would not fail them.

                By the time she was clean, Sphaera had a plan and was ready to set in motion. There was no time to be afraid or sad. She had work to do.

                Sphaera got dressed and ready. She decided to explore the mansion first. There were four different bedrooms and a living room with two giant armchairs and a couch for lounging in front of the fireplace. A large, mostly empty bookshelf sat to the side of the couch.

                Sphaera examined the books, pulling them off the shelf one by one to examine them. They were all Varric’s books, and all signed copies. Sphaera smiled softly at them. She had read _Tales of the Champion_ and _All This Shit is Weird_ , but she never had time to read his other series. She would have to add that to her list of things to do.

                The house seemed relatively secure, save for the back door. She found some old crates lying around and used the wood to board it up. It was difficult and awkward with one arm, so it took her a long time, but she managed it. She knew she was acting a bit paranoid, but the big house set her on edge, and given her circumstance, she would rather not be caught unaware.

                Sphaera then went out to find someone who could get her food. She bought some dried herbs to make tea, and as much food as she could carry, which was woefully not a lot, but would at least last her the next few days.

                When all was done, she found night approaching and her body ached from the long ride and the tasks of the day. She managed to drag her pack up to what she had chosen to be her bedroom but couldn’t find the energy to unpack yet. She decided to go to sleep.

                The clock downstairs ticked loudly as she laid down. The bed was comfortable enough, but she found herself tossing and turning in the silence. She hated falling asleep to silence already, let alone in a city in a mansion by herself. She tried desperately to clear her mind, or distract herself, but she was hyper aware of every noise and every scuffle the house made.

                It was past midnight, and she was just managing to fall asleep when the front door clattered open downstairs. Sphaera sat straight up in bed, listening for any indication of intruders, hoping she had just been dreaming.

                Someone was bounding up the stairs. Sphaera got out of bed and reached for her staff. She drew on her magic, letting the staff light up the room as the person stopped just outside her door. She slowly walked up to it, cautiously, her heart beating rapidly. Perhaps she should have gotten Aveline to watch her more closely.

                With a quickening heart she wrenched open the door.


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> NOTE: there is a very brief reference to drug use in this chapter.

                At the door stood a familiar grey, spotted mabari, sitting patiently in front of her, his tongue lolling out the side of his mouth.

                “Dorf?” Sphaera asked, her voice coming out as a whisper. Dorf barked happily, standing to greet her. Sphaera tucked her staff under her arm to pat the mabari, looking nervously out into the hallway. “Why aren’t you with Cullen?” Sphaera asked, furrowing her brow at the mabari. Dorf barked in response and turned around, walking to the stairs. He paused at the top of them, looking back at her expectantly. Sphaera hesitantly followed him. He bolted down the stairs, tongue flapping out of the side of his mouth as soon as she stepped out of her room.

                “Creators, this place is huge. We could fit a whole clan in here.” Sphaera recognised her brother’s voice echoing from the foyer below.

                Relaxing, though a bit confused as to what her brother was doing in her house, Sphaera waved her staff and lit the chandelier that overlooked the staircase and the foyer.

                “Oh fuck _no_. This place is _possessed_.”  Ewen’s voice echoed through the vast empty space of the hall, his voice wavering slightly and coming out as an angry growl to cover it. Sphaera descended the steps to greet him just as he turned his back to her to shout to someone outside the front door. “Can we maybe stay with the dwarf instead? His place seemed less _haunted_.” Ewen shouted.

                “The only one who haunts this place is me.” Sphaera said tiredly, a mild annoyance in her voice at her brother’s less than graceful introduction. Ewen spun around in surprise. “What are you doing here?” Sphaera’s question came out a little harsher and demanding than she intended. Ewen’s surprise melted into a pleased smile, ignoring any harshness Sphaera conveyed, as usual.

                “Aneth ara, Fi! We were just on our way to Antiva to meet you. We thought we might stay here for the night, since you apparently _own_ _it_. Fenedhis, this place is _huge_.” Ewen said, striding towards her as if he owned the place. Despite his awe at the mansion’s size and his distaste for most things human in nature, he seemed to automatically make himself right at home. Sphaera briefly wondered what the place would have looked like had she not been there to make sure nothing gets broken. She quickly shook the thought away. There were more pressing issues at play.

“’ _We_?’” Sphaera asked. “Wait, how did you get a key?” She glanced to the wide-open door nervously, hearing shuffling outside of someone else.

“Varric.” Ewen said, as if it were obvious, jerking his thumb towards the door as if Varric’s house were just outside. Sphaera’s attention drew back to her brother for a moment with a displeased glare. “We just came from his house. I brought you a surprise!” Ewen beamed a bit too brightly at her. He gestured to the door and she glanced past him at the open doorway. Behind him, standing at the doorway, was Cullen, holding a few packs and some sort of rectangular package and looking at her with a stunned expression

                Sphaera let out a string of curses in elvhen as an icy cold horror filled her. She gripped her staff tightly, though did not draw magic into it. She remained upright, open, not in a fighting stance, but she was tense and ready to fight. Cullen glanced at her staff and his face hardened. He tensed, ready for anything, but kept his arms full of bags. Neither of them made an explicit move to attack, both waiting for the other. Sphaera slowly stepped back, and carefully set her staff to the side. She stepped away from it, her arms folding. She was leaving herself open, but she didn’t want to settle it with a fight. She had to regain composure, she had to remain level-headed, in spite of the fact that her head had been a jumble of thoughts recently.  

                “Just _listen_ ,” Ewen said, needing to raise his voice to catch the attention of his sister, who was watching Cullen warily. “I went over to yell at him. I wouldn’t have brought him back if I thought he would hurt you again.” He said, taking his twin’s shoulders in his hands from his place at her side in a vain attempt to draw her attention away from Cullen. She flinched away from him and his hands stayed up near his chest, fingers curling in a slight show of exasperation.   

                “Fen’Harel ma ghilani.” Sphaera snapped. Ewen pulled his hands away as if she had suddenly caught flames. He had made poor decisions in the past, but this one was particularly stupid and she made sure to call him out on it.

                “That’s fair,” Ewen said tensely, his hands remaining upwards defensively. Sphaera’s eyes danced between the two men in her house, not certain which one she wanted to yell at first. “Fine, you can be mad at me all you want. Just _calm down_. I only wanted to help. All he needs to do is remember, right? If you give him time to remember what changed his mind the _first_ time—“

                “No.” Sphaera growled. “He can get his memories back elsewhere. I won’t have him anywhere near me until he realises…” Sphaera pressed her lips together and folded her arms. She didn’t know how Cullen could make it up to her. She was tired, and afraid, and sick of being afraid. She wanted to be someplace safe, but it seemed as if nowhere was safe. She would always be the outcast, the failure, or the prey. She didn’t need a Templar adding to that.

 Ewen scowled, his false sense of calm and understanding dissipating the moment she opposed him. His patience, thin as it was, melted instantaneously and he threw his hands up in anger.

                “Do you know what I went through?” Ewen shouted. “I was in a _giant tree_ that rhymed at me. Fuck! See what I mean? I just rhymed!” He jabbed a finger near his own mouth as if it had offended him.  “I was there for _a week_ , just rhyming, _all the time_! When I finally got to Cullen his sister punched me _in the gut_. I couldn’t even punch her back; _this asshole_ ,” he shoved a hand towards Cullen, who had an unimpressed look on his face. “came up from behind and had me pinned to the floor! I barely got out of it alive! All for _you_!” Ewen shouted.

                “I never asked you to do _any_ of that!” Sphaera shouted back, feeling her anger rising. “In fact, I asked you to do the _exact opposite_ of all that!”

                “If I may cut in,” Cullen said from behind him, stepping forward to defend himself. His face was hard and his jaw tense, clearly aggravated, though he managed to keep his voice cool “You’re pregnant. I assume that is my doing. In which case, I owe you support.”

                Sphaera froze, slowly turning to Cullen with an icy glare. She felt a shock run through her that was either horror or fury, and she couldn’t tell which one. Perhaps a mixture of both. She put on her disapproving Inquisitor face, masking her emotion with a coolness and a slightly raised eyebrow. If everyone but Varric weren’t taller than her, she would be looking down her nose at Cullen, but her eyes gave the same effect, one she said worked very well. She would not leave herself open to him so he could stab her in the heart again. She was ready for a fight, for hurtful words, and she was ready to send him away again.

                “You owe me nothing.” Sphaera said, calmly and coolly.

                “At least talk to him. We came all this way.” Ewen grumbled. Then he added more softly: “He’s starting to remember.” Sphaera’s eyes snapped to Ewen and he tensed. He had spent his entire life at her side. He knew what she was capable of when angry. He was ready for a fight too.

                “No. I told you I could do this by myself. I don’t need you or him or anyone else to save me.” Sphaera said, her voice low and threatening. “You brought a Templar who would have me tranquil into _my home_ —“

                “—I should tell you—“ Cullen piped in. Sphaera held a hand up to him cutting him off and leaving a stunned expression on his face.

                “I’ll deal with you in a moment.” She snapped, then turned back to her brother. Cullen let out an exasperated huff, which she chose to ignore. “You told him I am pregnant. You told him that to _get him here_ , which is manipulative and dirty, even for you. I don’t need either of you trying to protect me. I don’t want him here only because his guilt led him here.” 

                “I’m trying to give you some help so you don’t have to run around like you’ve got Fen’harel at your back!” Ewen hissed

                “I _do_ have Fen’harel at my back.” She said. Words formed in her mind that were too angry to say out loud. She was in no mood to have a fight with her brother that would rival their teenage years, yelling out the meanest things they could think of and not talking to each other for weeks. It was too late at night. She was tired. She turned her glare to the man who had broken her heart. “Show me your arms.”

                “I beg your pardon?” Cullen was startled. Sphaera nodded her head towards his arms.

                “Lift your sleeves.” She commanded. “Show me your arms.” Cullen blinked at her. He sighed and set his things down. He lifted his sleeves and she stepped forward to examine them. She stepped away with a sharp nod, her eyes flickering away.

                There were no marks. No indication that Cullen had been taking lyrium through a lyrium kit like she had seen in his possession so long ago. It was the fact she knew so little about the effects of lyrium on an individual, especially a non-mage, that frightened her the most. She only knew what little Cullen had told her through the years, and even that was a brief overview. If lyrium were hard to get a hold of before, it was even harder now that the templars were mostly disbanded. Still, she had to remain cautious, not rule anything out yet. She glanced towards Dorf who gave her a sharp bark. Her expression softened slightly and she sighed. It wasn’t as if Cullen had been completely alone. She had to remember that, and hope for the best.  

                “You can have the guest bedroom at the end of the hall. Ewen can sleep wherever he pleases, he’s used to it. If you are here by some sort of _obligation_ , feel free to disappear by morning. Otherwise, we will talk tomorrow.”

                “By ‘wherever he pleases’—“ Ewen started, his anger only being fueled by being brushed off.

                “There are other bedrooms for you to take, but I can’t attest to their quality.” Sphaera told her brother with a stern glare. He only glanced in her direction before looking towards the stairs.

                “For whatever it’s worth,” Cullen said. “I came to apologise.”

                “Well, you’ll have all night to choose your words carefully, then.” Sphaera said. “Goodnight, both of you.” She said, turning on her heel and heading back to bed.

 

                She did not sleep well that night. She was angry at Ewen, and angrier at herself for being relieved to see Cullen. She tossed and turned, her mind swimming with what to do, whether to give him another chance, whether she would be better off without him. She finally got up when she heard Cullen shuffling around in the room across the hall.

                Her stomach lurched as she got up, and she blamed it on the couple hours of sleep she maybe got. She should be used to it by now, after her days in the Inquisition. Perhaps this break was making her soft.

                She got up and dressed, trying and failing to stretch the kinks out of her back. She fiddled with the buttons for a couple minutes before getting frustrated and just throwing on a shirt she could pull over her head. One day she would learn how to do buttons with one hand.

                As she exited her room, Cullen was in the process of trying to close his door quietly enough so as not to wake anyone. When he turned around he jumped at the sight of her.

                “Maker’s Breath!” his hissed under his breath. Sphaera stared at him calmly, wiping all the tiredness from her face.

                “Tea?” she asked, gesturing towards the stairs.

                “I—what?” Cullen said, looking even more flustered. Sphaera almost felt bad for him. It was much too early in the morning for this nonsense. Still, she would rather get it done now, before she thought too much about his motives and destroyed it before she could fix it.

                “Shall we have some tea?” Sphaera asked again. Before he could answer she was heading down the stairs into the kitchen. She found an old kettle among the dishes and filled it with water and herbs, placing it on the stovetop. She loaded the stove with wood, awkwardly as she hadn’t quite gotten used to tasks like that with one hand, before casting a small fire spell to light it.

She heard Cullen’s heavy but hesitant footsteps follow her. There was a pause, and then a chair scrapped on the floor as Cullen sat down at a table meant for servants to eat.

                “I realise there is nothing I can say to fix this.” Cullen started. “I realise my apology will always sound hollow. If you are truly to have my child I—“

                “Don’t.” Sphaera said sharply. “I know. I know you feel honour bound to help. I know _you_. But if my child is a mage I will not have you anywhere near them or me.”

                “I…I understand.” Cullen said softly, his head hanging so his face was shadowed in the dim light of the candlelit basement kitchen.

                “I somehow doubt that.” Sphaera said, as calmly as she could. She still had not looked at him. She was watching the kettle intently, willing it to boil faster. She wanted this done with, and though she knew this would almost certainly be a long discussion, a childish part of her still believed it would end when they finished drinking tea.

                A silence permeated the air that was worse than the talking. At least talking usually got somewhere. Talking could solve or destroy things quickly. Silence was a slow, awkward, painful destruction. Silence highlighted everything wrong and placed both of them entirely in their minds to analyze the other person.

                The kettle let out a whistle and Sphaera quickly got out a couple cups, pouring tea. When she turned around, Cullen was fiddling with the vey coin she had left on his bedside table. There was only a slight pause in her step at the sight of it. She placed the tea in front of him. He only gave her a glance, his brow furrowed and his eyes distant. She went back to retrieve her own cup before sitting across from him, watching him closely.

                “I remember I stayed. In Kirkwall. For a quite a while, I assume.” Cullen said softly, flipping the coin in his fingers. “There was a fallen house. Someone trapped inside. We cleared a way out. There was a young boy inside. I held my hand out to aid him. He cowered, moved away from me, even though he was clearly injured, and clearly in danger. He was a mage.”

                “You never told me that story.” Sphaera’s voice was soft, partly due to pain and partly in sympathy. No matter how angry she was at him, a part of her still wanted to protect him, to keep him safe from his memories. He had seen so much pain in his life.

                “It may be a part of many other things that happened.” Cullen responded, looking up from his coin at her. “We were supposed to _protect_ mages. If they cowered from us even as we were so clearly there to help, what had we done?” his voice became angrier, bitter. It was a tone she was more used to come from him.  

                “I think you know.” Sphaera said carefully.

                “To some extent.” Cullen said with a sigh. “They were just as afraid as I was. Just as desperate, too. It was our job to keep them safe, and it was us they feared most.” He reached out and placed the coin in front of her. She looked from it to him in surprise. His eyes were hard, looking at her seriously, grimly, as if he were handing over a contract and not a coin.

                “I know this coin. Branson gave it to me for good luck. I believe I gave it to you.” He said, his eyes still inspecting her. She couldn’t tell what he was trying to find in her, honesty, or compliance.

                “Do you remember that too?” her voice was just above a whisper. She was tense. She had been so ready to kick him out, but he was starting to remember, and through the cracks she was starting to see the man she married.

                “No. I tried to figure out at first why you had left a coin on the table. Then I realised I didn’t have Branson’s coin on me and I assumed…” Sphaera confirmed his assumptions with a nod. He looked down at his tea in silence, finally peeling his eyes off her.  

                She found it hard not to look at him. She missed him more than she liked to admit. He had scared her more than he or Ewen could know. She had been through much, but she had never had to feel threatened for being an apostate, not in the clan and not leading the Inquisition. Perhaps what scared her the most is that she wanted to believe him. She wanted to accept it and go back to pretending everything was okay, but when he had gotten scared he had threatened to take away her magic and her emotions with it. Not directly, of course, but she was very familiar with indirect threats. How could she trust a man who thought like that?

                “What do you want?” Sphaera finally asked. Cullen looked up at her in surprise.

                “To help.” He said. “I will try to understand if you…Maker’s Breath, I know you have no reason to let me stay. I wouldn’t have even dared ask for it if it weren’t for…” his eyes flickered to her belly.

                “I know.” Sphaera said. She examined him closely. He was looking at her like a forlorn puppy. Her eyes flickered to her hand, to her ring. “Are you ready for a baby?” Sphaera said, forcing her eyes back to his to show she was serious. Now was her turn to examine him sternly.

                “Was I ready before?” Cullen asked with uncertainty. Sphaera’s brows furrowed slightly, thinking about it. Before she would have been able to answer so easily but his uncertainty now threw her into doubt.

                “We were trying for one. You didn’t know I was...I was waiting for my second month to make sure. I would have seen someone, but…Nevermind. That doesn’t matter now.” There was no use discussing a time when she could have been happy. It was only something to work around now. It was amazing to her how pregnancy could be the epitome of happiness or the ultimate horror, and she had experienced both with one baby.

                “I _will_ be ready.” Cullen said. Sphaera shook her head angrily.

                “You have no obligation to me or this child. Leave here if you aren’t ready. I won’t force you into this. That isn’t right.” She said sternly. Cullen looked over her carefully, thinking deeply before he answered. She was glad. She didn’t want him leaping into this without at least a moment’s thought.

                 “If you will let me, I would like to stay and try to get to know you, to remember you. I owe you that at least. If you want me to go, I’ll go. But I would _like_ to stay.” He said, watching her carefully. There was something in his eyes she couldn’t read, and that unnerved her. Cullen wasn’t the most subtle man with his emotions. He seemed earnest enough for now, but she still felt she knew nothing, which was not a feeling she liked. She sighed, standing up.

                 “I know you think actions speak louder than words. I’ll give you a chance.”

                 Cullen stood as well, his eyebrow quirked only slightly at her. Neither had touched the tea she made.

                “Don’t think this means you’re forgiven, Commander.” Sphaera said. His brow furrowed at her and his jaw tensed. She looked at him for a moment, giving him an intense glare. She couldn’t trust him. Not yet. Not after one apology and one memory.

                She grabbed her tea and headed upstairs. There was so much of the day left, and so much still to do. She was weary with so little sleep, and given the already rocky start to the morning, but she couldn’t let it hold her back. Not this time, when she couldn’t rely on Cullen to help out. She found herself back in the living room, seating herself at a small writing desk in the corner. Luckily, whoever furnished her mansion had left her parchment and ink. She started to scribble out a letter, occasionally sipping at her tea. She had to write a lot, and it was difficult writing with her less dominant hand, but she went slowly and managed to write somewhat coherently in twice the time.

                After a while light footsteps into the room broke her from her concentration and she paused, not looking up from her writing.

                “You’re up early.” Ewen said.

                “I have always been up early compared to you.” Sphaera said.

                “True.” Ewen strode over to his sister and glanced over her shoulder at her writing. Sphaera glared up at him, but didn’t hide it. As she suspected he would, he quickly lost interest and looked over at her with a grin. “But back then you had enough hair for me to brush for you when we got up. Now it’s kind of the other way around.” Ewen teased, tossing his head to the side and letting his lazily bound ponytail swing behind him. Sphaera did not return his smile.

                “I told you to leave him alone.” Sphaera said. “How long did you wait before you left the clan and your responsibilities to ignore what I specifically requested of you?” she asked, her voice cool.

                “About twenty-four hours,” Ewen said casually, clearly underestimating how angry his sister was. “Which I think is pretty good considering it’s me.” Ewen’s grin fell as Sphaera gave him a steady glare.

                “The worst part of all this is that I knew you would. I _knew_ you would!” Sphaera said, standing and causing Ewen to back a couple steps in surprise. “But a part of me, a small part, was rather hoping I wouldn’t have to keep an eye on a grown man with a husband and a job in the clan to prevent him from abandoning everything to go harass _my_ husband when he was with his family.” Sphaera’s words became colder and colder until she was nearly spitting them. She turned away from her brother with a huff and headed over to the fireplace, staring at its emptiness. The logs for burning were downstairs in storage, and so she had to leave it empty, though catching fire something would have made her feel slightly better.

                “Well you clearly weren’t going to do anything about him.” Ewen snarled back, instantly getting offensive. Sphaera filled with rage. He had the audacity to see her this angry and still argue with her. She shouldn’t have expected any less.

                “No, because we both needed a break!” Sphaera snapped, spinning to glare at her brother again. “So you butt in and assault his family and humiliate me, and now I have to write a letter to poor Mia apologising profusely.”

                “Ah yes. I _humiliate_ you.” Ewen said, dragging out the word like it disgusted him. “That’s why you didn’t tell anyone about me in Skyhold until you had to.”

                “Don’t bring up old wounds that have already been tended to.” Sphaera closed the gap between her brother so she could glare at him, though she only reached his nose, so she had to look up to do so. “I get it. You have to do your big show of aggression, make sure everyone knows not to mess with _your_ sister. But why in Mythal’s name did you ever think manipulating him to get him back to me was a good idea?”

                “You two belong with each other and if it takes me to bring you back then so be it!” Ewen huffed.

                “After every ranting letter and seething glare you have sent his way over the years?!” Cullen and Ewen never really got along. Ewen hated rules, and Cullen ran on structure. Cullen lived a very human lifestyle that Ewen scorned. No matter how hard she tried, she knew she would never get them to fully get along. “You sent me pages of insults towards him when I had told you we got married.” Sphaera spat.

                “Well I thought you were coming back to the clan after you left the Inquisition, eventually. I was waiting for you to get back! I was waiting for you to be the First again. If you became Keeper I would have followed you, _happily_. But he took you away from me.” Ewen said, his voice getting quieter. Hurt filled his chocolate eyes and he looked away, folding his arms.

                “He didn’t take me away from _anyone_. I made my decision by myself.” Sphaera said coldly. She hated how her brother treated her like she was so easily manipulated, after all she had been through and endured.                 “You still haven’t explained why you brought him here. Why did you convince him to come here before either of us were ready?”

                “You can’t do this alone, Fi…” Ewen said, his anger melting into concern. “There’s too much. I know you. You need help, but you’re too proud to ask for it.” Sphaera’s rage spiked.

                “I am _not_ a child in need of protecting! I have led an Inquisition, killed old gods, killed thousands of creatures and people, all while you sit in your camp and you pretend. You pretend you aren’t bored of it, and you pretend you like it there, and you pretend that you are some big, tough fighter. I don’t need you to meddle in every aspect of my life just because you’re afraid you can’t be a part of it anymore!” Sphaera shouted. Ewen took a step back, his face becoming grim. His jaw tightened and his fists clenched and his eyes glared down at her with a fiery anger that she reciprocated.

                “At least I face my problems instead of running away from them.” Ewen said, quiet, cold. He yelled all the time, but it was only when he was really furious he got quiet like that. If she weren’t just as furious herself Sphaera might have backed off, but she was mad.

                “And you wonder why you’re an embarrassment to me.” She sneered. “Get out of my house. I don’t need you. I don’t need _anyone_ ’s help. I can handle this.”

                “No.” Ewen said. Sphaera’s hands became fists. She gritted her teeth.  “What? Are you going to kick me out yourself? You’re a tiny mage. You don’t have any guards anymore, Fi. You don’t get to act like you own a big fancy castle and sit on a throne anymore. I’m staying, and you’re going to have to deal it.”

                Sphaera glared at her brother, her mind screaming for her to punch him. To just throw him to the ground and prove him wrong. But she couldn’t. It wouldn’t be smart. She had a baby bump now and he was her brother, despite everything.

                “So be it.” Sphaera spat, brushing past her brother to storm out the door.

                “Good. Run away again!” Ewen shouted after her. “You ran from the clan because you thought you lost your kinship, you ran from the inquisition because you thought you lost your power, and you ran from Cullen because you thought you lost your love. But you haven’t lost shit. You gave it up. You stopped fighting. Don’t you dare blame me for that.” Sphaera froze, mid-step. She felt magic rise within her, making her fingertips tingle and the air shift slightly around her. She closed her eyes and pushed it back down.

                Someone cleared their throat beside Sphaera. She turned to look at Cullen, at the top of the stairs leading from the kitchen. He was eyeing her carefully.

                “If you’re heading outside I hope you know where you’re going. These streets aren’t easy to navigate” he said, his voice displaying only a hint of coolness. Had he sensed her magic? Did he have that ability as a Templar, to sense a shift in the veil? The way he was watching her like she had a dagger unsheathed seemed to indicate he sensed something.

                “If you—“ she started angrily, but pulled it in with a sigh. He wasn’t trying to confine her, she was just acting like a threat. “I need to…I need to go for a walk. I’m not in the mood for company, but if you think it would be safer for me, you’re welcome to show me the way.” Sphaera said, as calmly as she could muster. Ewen made a disgusted noise at her before disappearing back into the living room. Sphaera glared in his direction.

                “Where do you want to go?” Cullen asked sternly, calmly, drawing her attention back to him.

                “Somewhere calm…I don’t know, it’s a city. Cities aren’t calm…The sea. Take me to somewhere where I can see the sea.” Cullen looked over her, examining her closely for any sign of danger.

                “Alright.” He said, maintaining his calm. “Follow me.”


	16. Chapter 15

                Sphaera followed Cullen out the door, still seething. She didn’t want to be out with him. She didn’t want to be out with _anyone_ , but she couldn’t go wandering off anymore. Not in an emotional state that made her more unaware of her surroundings and in a city that was notorious for being labyrinth-like.

                Cullen didn’t say a word, glancing back every so often to make sure she was still following. He paused when he reached the High town market, glancing in a couple different directions. He glanced back at Sphaera as if he was about to ask her a question, but the look in her eyes must have told him not to. He proceeded forward. She followed.

                She was tired. The emotional toll of the events of the Exalted Council were just starting to heal when all of this occurred. She felt the need to stand on her own, to show everyone how strong she was, but she had taken some blows she was struggling to come back from.  Now everyone seemed to doubt her, which was something she was used to, but not from her brother, and not from Cullen.  She wanted to be strong, but how could she be when everyone kept insisting she was some sort of damsel in distress? Perhaps she _was_ some sort of damsel in distress now.

                Cullen walked her to one of the quieter docks in the lower end of town. She eyed him warily and in confusion as he leaned against one of the wooden bollards. His eyes scanned the area for threat in a manner she presumed he thought was subtle. Sphaera walked past him and silently sat on the end of the dock.

                The water lapped lazily against the posts holding the dock up, and the sun glinted brilliantly off the water. Nearby dockworkers shouted to one another as they unloaded boxes. She had spent enough time around humans to know docks in cities were usually not the safest place to be for anyone who wasn’t loading or unloading a ship. She was made hyper aware of her more aristocratic clothing she was wearing by the contrast of the docworkers. She looked over and noticed Cullen had his hand resting on his sword and she felt slightly reassured that she had someone else on their guard with her, though a slight sliver of doubt filled her when she contemplated who he would attack first.

                She wondered briefly why he didn’t bring her to the place she had come in from, the Gallows. Perhaps, since it was an entry point for the city for all sorts, it would be much louder. She was thankful to be left alone on this forgotten dock, even if it meant she had a Templar at her back.

                “I apologise for my brother’s behaviour.” Sphaera said, still watching the waves. “He shouldn’t have sought you out. He shouldn’t have threatened your family. I have little control over what he does, but I do care for your siblings and their well-being.” Sphaera finally turned her face to Cullen so he could see her sincerity. “I hope you know that.”

                “He already apologised for that.” Cullen said gruffly. “I have been waiting for _your_ apology, actually.”

                “What?” Sphaera said, appalled, standing from the dock to be able to fully turn and confront him. Part of her was shocked that Ewen would ever apologise to anyone, but mostly she couldn’t understand the impertinence of his statement. She had not threatened him. She had never implied any sort of harsh treatment towards him. Cullen’s face grew darker, angrier.

                “Let us not forget how you withheld information from me. You kept secrets from me knowing full well I would react poorly to them. I’ve been trying to be civil but you haven’t shown the slightest bit of remorse.”

                “Yes, and when you found out you threatened me!” Sphaera hissed. “Indicating I had made a good choice, I think!”

                “You had advantage, you held power over me because I didn’t have all the information you did, and knowing my own fear, knowing everything you do, you still chose to let me have to figure it out myself? Did you think I would react pleasantly to that?” Cullen snapped.

                “No!” Sphaera shouted. She let her shoulders slump and closed her eyes, pinching the bridge of her nose. Her voice quietened considerably. “No…I didn’t think you would react pleasantly to my being a mage no matter _when_ I told you. So I thought I could at least let you get to know me as a person before you labelled me as a potential abomination. After all, isn’t that what I am to you?” she asked, looking up at him, staring straight into his eyes. He blinked and looked away, his brow furrowing. Sphaera felt her face harden in a look of faint disgust as disappointment flooded her.  She had hoped she would not be right about him.

                “I would have no reason to be wary of you if you did not hide important information from me.” Cullen growled. “Not to mention you perform a type of magic that is eerily similar to blood magic.”

                “I was fighting a _war_.” Sphaera held up a hand and turned her face away from him. “No. I do not need to justify that to you.”

                “No? How many times have you drawn a spirit into another person’s body? How many times have you drawn one into your own?” Cullen asked.

                “You don’t understand how this magic works.” Sphaera glared at him sternly from the corner of her eye, urging him not to proceed.

                “And how do I know you aren’t some sort of abomination _right now_?” Cullen asked. Sphaera looked him dead in the eye her back straightening and her chin up to hide the hurt he caused by such an accusation, and he stared right back.

                “If you thought I was, even if I had a _good_ spirit in me, would you slay me where I stand? Would you return to my brother and tell him it ‘had to be done’ even when you know it did not?” Sphaera asked stonily. Cullen didn’t respond, sighing in frustration as he broke eye contact with her again, giving her the answer she didn’t want to hear. Silence followed.

                The tension between them thickened to a crescendo of anger-filled awkwardness. Nearby dockworkers were trying to avert their gaze and give the quarrelling couple a wide berth. Sphaera sighed, feeling her pain rise up into her throat until she was certain she was going to cry.

                “Creators, I hate you.” Sphaera said shakily, unable to hold back the despair in her voice. Cullen looked up in surprise, but his face quickly fell to a sneer. The words had poured from her mouth before she had time to analyze them. He had once been warm, and gentle, and trusted her. Now he felt nothing towards her but duty, and she was his burden.

                 “Yes, well…” Cullen said stonily from behind her. “The feeling is mutual.” The words cut deep and it took everything in Sphaera to hold her tears in. She brushed past him, striding away from the docks. Cullen sighed and followed behind her.

                She moved as quickly as she could through the streets. She hadn’t been paying attention when they arrived, so she got a bit lost until Cullen strode past her without a word and started leading the way again. She begrudgingly followed him. When they got to the mansion Sphaera burst through the door and stormed up to her room. She closed the door behind her, not softly, but not aggressively either before going to her bed and collapsing in tears.

                She curled up on herself as much as she could with her belly, and grabbed a pillow to bury her face in and muffle her sobs.

                Her own words had frightened her. She had let this spiral to this point. She could have fixed this earlier, but instead she ran, to protect something from someone who seemed to want to protect it too. Familiar questions arose, bombarding her, taunting her as they did so often before. Had she done the right thing? Could she have done it better? Can she come back from it? Can she fix her mistakes once they have been committed?

                A few moments passed before the door opened slowly with the soft creaking of a mansion that hadn’t been lived in for nearly a decade.

                “Please go away.” Sphaera said as sternly as she could manage through her sobs. The door creaked closed again, and just when she thought she was alone someone sat on the edge of the bed behind her, placing a hand on her back. Neither Cullen nor Dorf had footsteps so quiet, so it was obvious who the intruder was.

                “You still mad at me?” Ewen asked softly.

                “Yes.” Sphaera grumbled, but it was weak.

                “M’kay. Just making sure.” Ewen said. He wrapped his arms around his sister regardless and she twisted away and sat up. Ewen rolled his eyes in aggravation until she shuffled closer and rested her head on his shoulder. He sighed a soft sigh of annoyance, more in performance than actual emotion, and wrapped his arms around her.

                There was a silence, a more comfortable one than the docks with Cullen, as he let her cry out her feelings.

                He didn’t apologise. She knew not to take it personally. He usually knew if he was fully to blame or if it were a mutual wrong-doing. It wasn’t so much a matter of pride so much as the fight in itself rid Ewen of any anger or pain far better than anything else, so for him the fight was usually over as soon as someone walked away. To talk about it would be to revisit something he had long-since stopped caring about. Though based on their fight she could only guess he held some things close to his chest that she needed to address.

                “You aren’t an embarrassment to me.” Sphaera said, looking him in the eye so he knew she was serious.

                “Yeah?” Ewen asked. “What if I ran naked around Hightown?” Sphaera sighed and placed her forehead back on her brother’s shoulder.

                “You’re making this difficult for me.” She groaned. Ewen let out a victorious chuckle. Suddenly his arms loosened around her and his hands moved to her shoulders. She lifted her head to see what was wrong. Ewen had a serious look on his face, his brow furrowed as if he was working through a problem.

                “Cullen convinced me to take him to you.” Ewen said quietly, his brow furrowing. “He wanted to be here. He told me he wanted to try to keep you safe. He seemed like he was speaking the truth.”

                “He probably was. He probably _is_. He has never been good at hiding his intentions, as far as I’ve known him.” Sphaera responded, wiping away the tears on her cheeks and sighing.

                “I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought we could all figure this out together.” Ewen said. He looked to his sister. “I probably fucked up again, didn’t I?”

                “Yes.” Sphaera said. Ewen scowled, but more to himself than at her. “But I think we all messed up here. It is all a giant mess, really.” She sniffed and pulled away from her brother to stand from her bed. “Speaking of which, I have some letters to write.” She said.

                “Right. I have a shemlen to yell at, apparently.”

                “Not yet.” Sphaera said. Ewen squinted at her as if she were a madwoman. Sphaera let out a shakey sigh. “Give him time to gather his thoughts and sort out his feelings. Mythal knows _I_ could use that sort of time. Things were said. We need to take a different approach to this.”

                “Fenedhis lasa,” Ewen groaned. “I can’t believe you’re still take care of him like this.”

                “If this can be fixed, it won’t be through constant yelling.” Sphaera said, half-chastising herself for letting her emotions rule her to this point. “You can’t untie a difficult knot by smashing it with a hammer.”

                “Ugh, don’t go all _Keeper_ on me. I get enough of that in the clan.” Ewen teased. Sphaera shook her head, the hint of a smile creeping on her face for a brief instant.

                “’Ewen’,” she spoke in a gentle and intellectual voice she reserved for her impression of Keeper Deshanna. “’You should know better than to start fights with travellers. We have so much attention on us now and you will give the Dalish a bad name.’” she fake-scolded, waggling her finger at him dramatically.

                “’Ewen, if you are going to experiment with poisons, don’t test them on yourself. You have yet to take on an apprentice and the clan cannot be down a healer!’” Ewen responded in his own impression of the Keeper.

                “’Mythal enaste, Da’len. Why can’t you be still for _five minutes_?’” Sphaera continued the joke, now smiling slightly in spite of herself.

                “No, _that one_ was Father.” Ewen corrected with a laugh.

                “That was everyone who had to put up with you in your childhood.” Sphaera said with a chuckle.

                “Even you?” Ewen asked, his eyebrow raising at her.

                “No,” Sphaera laughed. “I was the one pretending to catch myself on fire so you could steal honey from storage, remember?”

                “Ah yes.” Ewen laughed as well.

                A sudden queasiness befell her and Sphaera’s smile fell. She slowly sat down on the edge of the bed. Ewen, shifting to his healer instincts and noticing something wrong, immediately rushed to her.

                “I just feel a bit ill, it’s alright.” She said, waving him off. Ewen frowned and glanced around the room. He saw something and reached under the bed, producing a pristine chamber pot and shoving it into her hands. His hand went to her forehead, his eyes distant as he felt for a temperature.

                “You aren’t warm. It’s probably just the pregnancy.” Ewen said. “Or something else minor.” He waved it off, though she noticed the thread of concern still on his features. Sphaera took her brother’s hand and gently rested her head on his shoulder. A part of her was glad she had a healer she was familiar with to watch her.

                “As I said, I’ll be fine.” She said.

                “The stress isn’t good for the child.” Ewen said, trying to sound casual although he could not hide his worry from her. “And when something isn’t good for the baby, it usually has consequences for the person growing it.”

                “Since when have you worried about consequences?” Sphaera teased, trying to give him a smile despite the feeling in her gut. Ewen gave her a half-hearted glare.

                “Since those consequences could mean the loss of my best friend.” He said seriously. Sphaera’s smile fell and she blinked back sudden tears. He had never called her that before. “I know you can take care of yourself, Fi. I’ve seen it. But you’re trying to carry this all by yourself, and you don’t have the same protection you had before. I don’t care how far you go, as long as I don’t lose you. You’ve been by my side since we popped out of the womb together and I’ll let the Fen’Harel fuck me sideways if I let you leave so soon.”

                “I still have quite a way to go before I leave you, Ewen.” Sphaera said softly. Ewen grinned softly, indicating he had enough of being serious.

                “Will it help you de-stress if we told each other secrets like when we were younger?” he asked. He kicked his feet like a child and feigned sheepishness. “I really like Padric. Like… _Like_ like Padric.” Sphaera let out a short, surprised snort of a laugh.

                “ _Really_?” she asked in fake astonishment, placing her hand on her chest. “Is _that_ why you married him?” she asked.

                “Yeah,” Ewen said. “Do you suppose he likes me back?” Sphaera let out a laugh in spite of herself.

                “You’re an idiot,” she said with a playful roll of her eyes. “If I promise to rest will you get out of my room?”

                “Ugh. _Your_ room.” Ewen said, though he was heading for the door. “What a shemlen concept. I’m your brother. This is _our_ room.”

                “I could instead use this room to train my spells. So by all means, stay. I was looking for a target.” Sphaera said. Ewen waved her off and scoffed with a grin, exiting the room. Sphaera watched him go, waiting for a few minutes after he had gone to make sure he was no longer in the hallway.

                Sphaera got up, her stomach still feeling queasy but manageable. She wandered downstairs to her study where she had been in the process of writing letters. She continued her work. Loud panting and heavy padded footsteps entered the room. Sphaera smiled softly at the sound. She was happy to have the company of someone who wouldn’t argue with her.

                “Dorf,” She said, putting down her quill and pushing her chair out so she could see him. “you aren’t the stealthiest war dog, are you?” she asked. Dorf’s mouth closed suddenly and the panting stopped, his head tilting and his brows raising to make him look slightly pathetic. “No, please, don’t let me stop you. I like knowing where you are.” She held out her hand. Dorf let out a sharp and happy bark, bounding over to her, his tiny tail wagging.

                Sphaera pet his head, scratching behind his ears. She placed a hand on the side of his face and gave him a gentle pat with her fingers, not lifting her palm. He already reached her face while she was sitting, but he still put a paw on her leg, encouraging her to keep petting.

                “You’ve probably noticed the Commander and I are fighting, haven’t you?” Sphaera asked. Dorf whined and his ears fell back. Sphaera’s brow furrowed in sympathy for the pup, and a bit of guilt for putting him through it. “Listen, I just wanted to tell you that I know you’re keener on the commander than me. He’s much more Fereldan than I could ever hope to be. I understand when you choose to follow him rather than me, and you seem to have done an excellent job taking care of him.” Sphaera said. Dorf barked happily, ears perking back up. “So I just wanted you to know that even though I am fighting with the commander right now it has nothing to do with you and we both love you very much. No matter what happens.” Dorf let out a reassuring bark and nuzzled her with his head. Sphaera wrapped an arm around him and kissed his face.

                “I hadn’t realised I had been separating you two.” Cullen said from the doorway, his tone showing no emotion and his face still hard. Dorf turned at the sound of his voice and bounded towards him.

                “He’s your mabari. He would choose you anyway. As I come to understand it that is the kind of bond I couldn’t break, no matter how much time I’ve spent with him. Nor would I want to.” Sphaera said, remaining equally as cool towards Cullen. She stood to greet him.

                “Something was delivered to the cottage in your name. A package. I brought it here. Your brother opened it, unfortunately. He’s eager for you to have it.” Cullen entered the room with a rectangular package in his arms, the same one she had seen him carrying when he entered the mansion.

                “I’m busy.” She said. She was hardly in the mood for gifts after the morning she had.

                “This will only take a moment.” Cullen said, setting the box on top of her letter, probably smudging the letters she had so scrutinisingly wrote.

“I’ll deal with it when I have the time.” Sphaera said, glaring at him. Cullen examined her with distaste. His brow furrowed slightly, but he sighed and shook his head, stepping away.

                “You’re going to want to open it now.” Ewen’s voice pitched in, and suddenly he appeared in the doorway. He folded his arms and leaned on the doorframe, blocking Cullen or Sphaera’s exit.

                “Were you eavesdropping?” Sphaera asked with a scowl in her brother’s direction.

                “Eavesdropping is for enemies. I’m your brother.” Ewen said matter-of-factly. Sphaera shot him a glare. “Besides, you were supposed to be upstairs resting right now, so honestly you can’t criticise me for anything.” He said with finality.  

                She sighed and looked over the box. She awkwardly tugged on the twine that tied it closed to loosen it, then pulled the lid off. Seeing what was inside, Sphaera’s eyes widened and her heart stopped, her hand flying to her mouth.


	17. Chapter 16

                It was a hand. A prosthetic. It was a work of mechanics and enchantment she had seen nowhere else with a craftsmanship that rivaled all. It was a beautiful mix of intricate detail work. Metal branches with leaves covered the thing in the form of filigree that rivaled some of the detail work on the Winter Palace. Despite that, the details were set into a stained wooden frame to cover most of the workings inside from any weathering.

                “Did Dagna make this for me?” Sphaera asked, reaching out to run her fingers over it. As she did, she felt the familiar slight vibration of her magic reacting to something enchanted. The style was familiar to the enchantment she received in Skyhold.

                “It came with a note.” Cullen said, patting himself down a bit before pulling it out of his pocket and setting it down on the bed beside the box. “You didn’t order it?” Cullen asked. Sphaera shook her head, picking up the letter and scanning through it. Dorf sniffed at the box, peering inside in curiousity.

                Dagna had made the arm to order, and it appeared to be that order came from her desk. Sphaera thought back, trying to remember ever placing an order for anything to Dagna recently and she couldn’t think of anything. She would remember if she ordered an arm. Dagna went on to explain the features involved. It could work with her magic to move, and she had been considerate enough to add a part she could see through at the palm that would glow with her magic, just like the anchor.

                “You must have ordered it for me.” Sphaera said slowly, her brow furrowed. She turned to him, a hint of a smile flickering on her lips. “What if I don’t want a hand? A bit presumptuous, don’t you think?”

                “I wouldn’t know.” Cullen said. Sphaera’s smile faded and she turned her attention back at the arm, ignoring Cullen’s stiffness. It was perfect. She couldn’t have ordered something better herself. She briefly wondered how Cullen had managed to spend the money on it without her notice. It could have been Dagna working for free, as a friend. Though it wasn’t as if she were very diligent the couple months after the Exalted Council. Her face became slightly darker at the memory.

                “Try it on.” Ewen demanded eagerly from the doorway, as if he were the one receiving the present and not Sphaera. She glanced at him, at his sparkling eyes and she shook off the thoughts that would sour the moment. Dorf barked his encouragement, giving her a short bounce in his excitement.

                Sphaera shot Ewen an embarrassed smirk before picking up the arm and placing it over her stub. She fiddled with the straps, cursing them. It was the only thing Dagna had failed to think through. Ewen’s hands suddenly on her arm made her look up. His hands worked to buckle the prosthetic to her arm securely and comfortably.

                “You could ask, you know.” Sphaera glared.

                “I am _trying_ to help.” Ewen said, not pulling away.

                “I didn’t say I _needed_ your help.” Sphaera said. Ewen’s hands paused and his brown eyes flashed to hers as if to ask “are you done?”

                “I won’t stand aside as you struggle.” He turned his eyes back to her buckles.

                “I am not a charity case.” Sphaera said coldly, pulling her arm from him.

                “For fuck’s sake, Fi.” Ewen groaned, throwing his hands up in frustration as he straightened. “Do you want Cullen to help instead?” Sphaera glanced from Cullen and Ewen. She set her jaw and tilted her chin up. Dorf barked his approval, racing over to Cullen to bounce around him in encouragement.

                “No.” Sphaera said. “I can do it.” She pulled the chair around so its back was facing Ewen and Cullen and sat down before struggling once more with the buckles. Ewen had managed to get one done. She had two more.

                She tried a few times. Every time she got close, almost getting the buckle closed, the strap would slip from her grasp and she would have to retry. It was frustration incarnate. She was so close to having this nice thing, to having a hand back in some shape or form, and she couldn’t do it. She was still just as useless as before the prosthetic. She managed to keep her composure and her hands steady despite the pressure behind her eyes. Dorf’s excitement waned and the sound of his footsteps stopped.

                “Fi…” Ewen said softly, turning her chair around. Sphaera cringed slightly at the scrapping noise it made on the floor and looked up at Ewen close to tears again, but Cullen held his hand out to stop Ewen from going further.

                “No.” Cullen said, staring her down. “If you want to do it yourself, do it.” He said sternly. Dorf looked up at Cullen before sitting proudly at his side, extenuating his words. He would always stand by Cullen.

                “Have you ever tried buckling something with one hand?” Sphaera asked coldly.

                “I do it all the time with armour.”

                “This isn’t my dominant hand.” Sphaera said, her anger rising.

                “Don’t make excuses. Do it.” Cullen commanded, folding his arms. He was giving her the same look he gave his recruits when he was training them. She almost felt like she should have a shield in her hand, and she should be blocking with it.

                “Leave her alone.” Ewen growled, grabbing Cullen’s shoulder, ready to yank him backwards. Cullen shook him off, nodding his head towards Sphaera silently.

                Sphaera looked at the straps. She took a deep breath before trying again. She worked her fingers around themselves to do it, holding up the metal with a pinky so she could pull the leather through, but she managed to fumble the strap through.

                “Are you pleased now, Commander?” Sphaera asked dryly, sending a glare his way.  

                “Are you?” he asked earnestly. Sphaera’s tense face loosened as she understood. Her expression softened to a somewhat sheepish, less hostile one.

                “In the interest of time, could you help me with the last strap, please?” Sphaera asked, as politely as she could manage, leaving Ewen’s jaw dropping in confusion.

                “Of course.” Cullen said, moving to her side to help her. She held out her prosthetic gingerly so he could get at it.

                “Is this how you used to interact?” Ewen asked in horror.

                “No.” Sphaera said, then added “Sometimes. When I needed it.” Cullen glanced at her for only the briefest of moments before looking back at his work. It was a brief glance, one she couldn’t quite decipher, but she presumed there was an unspoken question in it. It was one she dare not answer now.

                When he was done, Cullen rose and looked over it. He paused for an awkward moment.

                “Does it…Does it fit right?” he asked.  Sphaera moved her arm, feeling the new weight of her hand. It was a bit heavy, but not as heavy as she had expected.

                “Yes. It feels secure.” Sphaera said.

                “It isn’t too tight?

                “No, I don’t think so.”

                “Oh for fuck’s sake!” Ewen groaned. “Try it out before I die of old age.” Sphaera smiled at her brother in good humour. He was so like a child at times.

                Sphaera tried to think about moving the fingers. They did not budge. Her eyes flickered to the letter she had abandoned in the now empty box and remembered how it worked. Her eyes flickered to Cullen.

                “I have to syphon some magic in it to use it.” She said. “You can keep your sword sheathed.”

                “I read the letter, and I was prepared for it, thank you.” Cullen responded tensely, placing a hand on Dorf’s head. Sphaera shot him a warning look before concentrating on her magic. She brought it up within her, and focused just the slightest bit into her new hand. Under the cracks of the wood light shone through, and the palm of her hand lit up with a green glow.

                Sphaera’s hand covered her mouth to hide her sudden gasp and she felt her tears spring up in her eyes. It was her hand. The same one she had saved the world with, forever glowing a dull green at her side. She focused on moving her fingers and found they moved with as much dexterity as her real ones. Behind her hand Sphaera let out a sharp, choked laugh.

                “Are you alright?” Cullen asked.

                “Does it hurt?” Ewen said at the same time. Sphaera’s hand fell from her face to reveal her smile as the tears started down her cheeks. She felt foolish for letting herself cry over something like this, but the tears came anyway.

                “It glows.” She said, holding it out to show her brother as she rose from her chair. “It glows…I have my hand back. I can…I can do things, I can be useful.”

                “You are useful with or without the hand.” Cullen said sternly, arms still folded.

                “Thank you.” Sphaera said softly, shakily, looking over him. He nodded his acceptance at her.

                “Good, so you’re a glowing beacon of hope like before.” Ewen said sarcastically waving his hand. “But does it do magic?” he asked with an excitable grin.

                Sphaera wiped her tears away and let out a short laugh to free the dew of feelings from her heart crying always seemed to leave. She walked over to the fireplace and held her hand out, channelling a bit more magic into her prosthetic to cast a fire spell.

                As she cast she felt the build-up underneath her prosthetic, and knew what dangers she would face if she tried to spew magic out of it. Sphaera lowered her hand, brow furrowing as she examined it.

                “Not working?” Ewen asked.

                “Hold on.” Sphaera said. She held her hand out again, this time thinking of the prosthetic as an extension of herself, making the magic syphon through it in a controlled funnel. The green light turned orange and travelled up her arm to the palm, where a fireball shot from her hand.

                Sphaera smiled triumphantly and looked back at her brother and Cullen as the glow faded back to a green.

                “It works like a staff. It channels my magic and controls it. It will take some getting used to, but I think it will suit me fine.” Sphaera said, looking over the hand happily.

                “It does suit you.” Ewen said. “Doesn’t it look great on her, Cullen?” he asked, turning to the blonde man. Cullen folded is arms and gave a stoic nod. Ewen rolled his eyes at the lack of reaction and moved over to his sister, reaching out for the prosthetic.

                Sphaera immediately pulled it away and tucked it behind her back, her eyes wide. It felt weird, using it like an actual hand. It wasn’t a hand. It looked reminiscent of what her hand used to be, but it wasn’t. It was a thing. A tool. It was perfect, and yet it didn’t feel right. She couldn’t touch other people with it, what if it disgusted them, or terrified them? Fear was only useful in rare circumstances.

                “Fi, let me see it.” Ewen ordered in annoyance, as if she were playing keep-away with his healer supplies. Sphaera cheeks reddened with shame. Cullen placed a hand on Ewen’s shoulder, drawing his attention to him.

                “Give her time.” He said knowingly. Ewen glared at him but acquiesced, instead flopping down on one of the large armchairs in a sulking manner.

                “So what’s with the planks of wood over the back door?” he asked, looking towards his sister.

                Sphaera’s face reddened even more. Her metal hand slid from behind her back to the front, moving to her flesh hand so she could fiddle with her fingers. The moment skin hit metal she looked down in surprise before awkwardly pulling her hands apart and shuffling a bit on her feet.

                “I…I was all alone and…I haven’t…had the best time since I left.” She said in embarrassment. “But now I have an angry brother, a protective Templar, and a mabari at my side what could go wrong?” she said with a bit of a nervous chuckle.

                “What indeed.” Cullen said with a sigh. “I should take the pup for a walk.” He said, nodding his goodbye before exiting the room. Dorf went bounding next to him, excited at the prospect of a walk.

                Sphaera watched him go before examining her new hand once more.

                “Did you really think you were useless without the hand?” Ewen asked, his voice becoming serious, pensive. Sphaera looked up to examine him. He was staring at the last dying embers in the fireplace from her short spell with folded arms. Noticing her stare, he looked over at her with a serious face.

                “It used to have the mark. I used to be able to save people. I meant something to someone.” Sphaera said quietly. She looked to the now bare fireplace.

                “Is that why you ran away? Is that why you kept running around?” Ewen said, anger and frustration creeping into his tone. “Because you thought he was the only one who _loves_ you? The only one who would care about you? Fenedhis, Fi, you’re better than that!”

                “Better than what? Self-doubt?” Sphaera asked coldly, sitting down in an armchair.

                “Better than believing that without him you’re useless.”

                “Which is why I left! To raise this child myself!” Sphaera countered.

                “And then you kept running.” Ewen said. “All over Thedas. Because you’re stupid as shit and you think Cullen is the only family you have.” He walked over to her armchair and leaned on one of the arms, glaring over at her.

                “I have you too.” Sphaera said. Ewen sighed and rolled his eyes.

                “Yeah, you do.” he said. “But that wasn’t what I was talking about, dumbass.” Sphaera frowned and looked up at her brother, silently urging him to continue. “You have Varric, and Josephine, and Iron Bull and Dorian.”

                “They’re spread across Thedas.” Sphaera sighed. “And I hardly belong in the courts, or Tevinter.”

                “When you were in your castle across the waking sea did you stop becoming my sister?” Ewen asked. Sphaera looked away. “I’m not saying you belong in the courts, or Tevinter, or the clan, or the bloody Anderfels! I’m saying you have a lot of people who care a lot about you. You’ve made your own clan. Stop looking for home in a place, idiot. You won’t find it. Home is in the people, not the place. We travel all over in the clan, I thought you would know that out by now.” Ewen huffed.

                Sphaera smiled softly at her brother, surprisingly feeling a lot better. He was right. She was had so many people who were worried about her. More than she deserved, the way she had been acting. She reached for his hand, but when she saw she was reaching with her prosthetic she blinked and pulled away. Ewen noticed and he took her prosthetic in his hand, holding it.

                “Thank you, Ewen.” She said softly. “Though a bit of criticism: next time you give advice you may want to be less condescending about it.” She said with a smile. Ewen let go of her hand to nudge her with his elbow. Sphaera nudged him back. Ewen let out a soft chuckle.

                “Asshole.” He said.

                “I love you.” Sphaera hummed.

                “Yeah?” Ewen said, looking over her. “I love you too.”

                Sphaera sat for a moment more in silence before getting up and heading back to her writing desk. Her prosthetic, heavy as it was, made the work much easier and within the next twenty minutes she comprised a letter to Leliana. She folded that, and the letter she had already written to Mia, in an envelope and sealed them. When she looked up Ewen was nowhere to be seen.

                Sphaera sighed and headed out to find a courier for her letters. She was relieved to discover that time had eased her morning sickness and she was once more in good health. She found herself in a surprisingly chipper mood, having done some things that needed to get done and having a new arm to help her do them.

                Sphaera found a courier to send her letter and travelled down to the entrance to the city to the stables, with a few turnarounds and dead ends along the way, to visit Binky. Her Bog Unicorn seeming to be in good health, if not a little irate at his lack of special treatment in his stable, she traveled back to Hightown, finding her way much easier this time.

                She almost had a skip in her step until she saw Ewen, a small package tucked under his arm, talking with one of the Hightown vendors.

                “I am not certain my goods are for you.” The vendor was explaining. “They are very pricey, for a very elite clientele.”

                “And who said I didn’t have money?” Ewen’s voice rose, drawing attention from those nearby “Is it because I’m Dalish?”

                “Now don’t put words in my mouth, I said nothing of the sort!” the vendor snapped in agitation, looking around at the people who were watching.

                Sphaera approached.

                “Brother,” Sphaera said, heading over to his side. “I think he was referring less to your vallaslin and more to your rather revealing tunic.” She said.

                “And you are?” the vendor asked, folding his arms. Sphaera raised her chin and looked down her nose at him.

                “Former Inquisitor and current Comtesse of Kirkwall.” The man’s eyebrows raised and his eyes widened, his eyes trailing down to her prosthetic hand, seeming to only then realise it and its decadent design.

                “Your Grace, I beg your pardon for my rudeness.” He said, bowing his head at her. “Whatever you need, I would happy to provide you with. Perhaps you are looking for a new outfit for the Viscount’s party tomorrow?” he ignored Ewen, talking directly to Sphaera now.

                “You know what?” Ewen scowled, folding his arms. “My husband’s fabrics are better than yours anyway.” He said childishly. Sphaera placed a hand on her brother’s arm to keep him in place.

                “The Viscount’s party?” she asked.

                “Yes,” the vendor said, blinking at her. “The viscount is having a party in his keep so he may answer any inquiries the local nobles have. I figured you may have been invited, I beg your pardon.”

                “No, it’s quite alright. I didn’t realise it was so soon, is all. Thank you.” Sphaera said, smiling as she walked away, dragging her brother away.

                Varric had been avoiding nobles since he became viscount. He despised answering their questions and entertaining their egos. She was pretty sure that was most of the reason he kept his assistant around, to deal with them all. What was more, it was odd he didn’t invite her. Whatever was going on tomorrow, she was curious as to what it was, and a bit worried.

                Ewen turned the tables on her and dragged her into her own mansion before slamming the door closed behind him. There was a look of excitement on his face and a hunger for trouble.

                “I saw your face when he mentioned the party.” Ewen said. “You weren’t really invited. So… You going anyway?” Sphaera sighed and placed a hand on her forehead.

                “Fenedhis lasa.” She said in agitation at herself. She looked over towards her brother. “I’ll need your help.”

                Ewen’s eyes shone so brightly they could blind someone, which was further proof this was a terrible idea. She could just talk with Varric. Though he was a compulsive liar, he was also her friend. Still, Sphaera did almost miss her adventuring days, when she did recon in parties. She entered the mansion, letting her brother in before closing the door behind her.

                “Am I going to have to get a suit?” Ewen asked, folding his arms. Sphaera shook her head.

                “You’re going to be our entrance. Think you can play servant for a while?”

                “As long as Varric doesn’t see me. But I can probably manage.” Ewen said with a beaming grin. “Getting up to shit, just like we were kids.”

                Sphaera couldn’t help but feel a bit excited. Even if this wasn’t really a quest, and was almost certainly the worst possible way of going about this, she was ready to have a real adventure again. It was mostly mischievous, and mostly for her own fun, but she would do it.

                “So what’s in the package?” Sphaera asked Ewen. Ewen looked down at the thing tucked under his arm as if just remembering it was there.

                “Kirkwall has a great underground market,” Ewen said with a grin. “So I got myself an enchanted—“

                “Ewen please tell me you didn’t spend my money on…pleasure instruments.” Ewen gave her a snort at her awkward phrasing.

                “Don’t worry. I billed it to Varric.” He said, heading upstairs. Sphaera placed her face in her hands.

                “Creators, he is going to kick me out of his city.” She groaned.


	18. Chapter 17

                “Are you going to ask Cullen to be your pretty shemlen accessory?” Ewen asked, as Sphaera made sure she had everything in order in her room for a party. She shot Ewen a glare.

                “Ewen…” Sphaera warned before turning back to her work.

                “What? He’s pretty. He’ll look good hanging off your arm.”

                “He didn’t hang off me when he cared about me, he isn’t going to hang off me now.” Sphaera grumbled. The prosthetic was heavy and her arm was not used to the added burden. The quiet throb of pain was only adding to her agitation as she planned for the party, and Ewen was hardly helping.

                “He’ll like you again soon. When he sees you in this dress, probably, it’s very shemlen.” Ewen said without malice, fingering the collar of her dress which she had draped over the bed. He looked up from at it to grin at her with a look in his eyes she knew meant she should prepare a sturdy glare his way. “You can change your body temperature with magic, right? Maybe he’ll even ask you to shove your hot mage fingers up his—“

                “Creators, Ewen!” Sphaera interrupted, her cheeks heating up in spite of herself. She tossed a fancy slipper at him lazily. He caught it with both hands, laughing. “I am not discussing that with _you_!” she said.

                “Fenedhis lasa, you’ve already tried it!” Ewen said in delighted surprise. Sphaera’s blush deepened and she threw the other slipper at him.

                “ _I have not_!” she protested. She huffed and turned away from him, mostly to hide her flaming cheeks. The bed creaked slightly as Ewen sat down on it. Sphaera pretended to shuffle around in her pack until her embarrassment subsided.

                “So I’ll go tonight and see if I can get the layout of this place. Sneak you two in.” Ewen said, sobering up slightly to discuss plans, though his tone still seemed amused. She knew he was much more excited to do this than she was. It wasn’t his first heist with her, but it was his first heist into a mansion. When they were children they snuck out a couple of times to steal milk from nearby farms. They had stopped when they got caught and Sphaera couldn’t handle the disappointment from the Keeper.

                “I never said The Commander was coming.” Sphaera said. She turned to her brother. He was casually examining her room. “It will take another talk before he’ll want to go anywhere with me, I presume.”

                “Just tell him it’s a party of apostates and he should be there for protection or something.” Ewen said, waving his hand. Sphaera rolled her eyes, her brow furrowing at her brother.

                “No. We have to come to an agreement, which means we must talk on equal terms. Lying will help nothing.” Sphaera said.

                Suddenly, the front door burst open rather loudly and Cullen’s heavy footfalls echoed from the floor below. Sphaera turned to her open doorway, as if she expected him to be standing there, though it was evident his footsteps were heading away from the stairs.

                “Speak of the Dread Wolf.” Ewen said, raising an expectant eyebrow at his sister. “Go set your equal terms with the Templar.”

                Sphaera sighed, gathering about her wits and pushing back any pain she felt to deal with the situation in a manner befitting her. She would not let her talk down to her, but she would not be unreasonable either. She headed out of her room, ignoring her brother’s footsteps following behind her.

                “Commander, we need to talk about how we’re going to approach this.” Sphaera said as she strode into the living room. He was staring into the crackling fire. She wondered why it was lit, it was daytime and rather hot outside.

                “We will.” Cullen said tensely. “Not now.” Sphaera felt Ewen appear behind her shoulder and tense up. She ignored him and moved closer to Cullen slowly, carefully.

                “Not now? You’re clearly not doing anything but wasting firewood.” Sphaera said sternly. He was not in charge of her, regardless of his Templar attitudes. She would stand her ground.

                “I’m not…” Cullen started to snap at her, turning his face slightly so she could only see a quarter of it over his shoulder. He would not turn to her fully, would not meet her eye. “Not now. I can’t.” he said through gritted teeth.

                “If you don’t wish to talk I can talk to you and you can just stand there.” Sphaera said, lifting her chin and glaring stonily at him.

                “What would you have me say?” Cullen asked, slamming his fist on the mantelpiece as he spun to face her.  “What could you possibly say to me that you haven’t already?” There was a glimmer in his eyes that Sphaera recognised. Ewen stepped in front of his sister protectively, his shoulders squared.

                “Don’t fucking—“ Ewen was about to step closer to Cullen, but Sphaera reached around him and pushed him backwards by his chest. He looked at her in indignation.

                “No.” Sphaera said softly, calmly. She eyed Cullen. His expression softened slightly and he turned back to the fire with a soft huff.

                “He shouldn’t yell at you like that.” Ewen growled, looking ready to throw himself across the room at a moment’s notice.

                “I don’t need you to protect me from him.” Sphaera said sternly, though she kept her voice quiet. Cullen’s shoulders tensed and he hung his head. “Go start the kettle. Make some tea to help the Commander’s headache.”

                Cullen’s head rose and he glanced over his shoulder at her. She caught his eyes, inspecting her with suspicion, uncertainty. He looked back to the fire, leaning on the mantelpiece. Ewen opened his mouth to protest, but before he could utter a word, Sphaera shoved him out of the room.

                “Even if that was a headache, he didn’t have to act like that!” Ewen snapped, gesturing wildly at the door as if it were Cullen.

                “Creators, Ewen. It isn’t a headache.” Sphaera said, shooting her brother a stern glare in the hopes that he would calm down.

                “So he’s being an asshole and I’m making him tea for it.” Ewen said. “Well, you should have warned me. I would have brought the herbs for my anti-asshole tea!”

                “Ewen, leave him _alone_.” Sphaera said firmly. “I should have known better than to prod him when he’s like that.”

                “Like what?” Ewen asked, his anger giving way to wariness.

                “Tired and afraid.” Sphaera responded, leaning against the counter. “I doubt he’s slept in days and it doesn’t help we’re in Kirkwall. He probably saw something, or heard something while he was out that…” Sphaera sighed.

                “So he’s yelled at you like that before?” Ewen said, still clearly unnerved by the whole thing.

                “Of course.” Sphaera said. “Haven’t you ever argued with Padric?” Sphaera asked.

                “No.” Ewen said, folding his arms and glaring at her. Sphaera raised an eyebrow at him in disbelief.

                “Cullen’s yelling isn’t directed at me.” She said. “He’s never done anything hurtful, except…well…you know… _the Templar thing_. It’s fine, Ewen.” She said, rolling her eyes. Ewen finally relaxed his shoulders with a grunt.

                “Fine. But I’ll still be listening to make sure you’re alright.” Ewen said. Sphaera didn’t respond. She turned and headed back into the room.

                “Commander.” Sphaera said softly. He didn’t respond. She approached him, still leaning over the fireplace. She was silent for a moment, thinking of what to say. “I know you probably don’t have a headache, but the tea will calm your nerves.” Cullen said nothing.

                Sphaera glanced away with a small sigh as her mind reeled with something to do next. She lived with him for years, she knew what to do if she had his trust. She could help if he had feelings for her, if she could hold him without the uncertainty that it might make it worse, if they talked like they used to. She glanced at Cullen through the corner of her eye. He was as still as a statue, leaning over the fire.

                “Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and wicked and do not falter…” she said, very quietly. He frowned, and slowly turned his head to look at her. She motioned for him to continue. His frown deepened and he tilted his head in confusion.

                “…Blessed are the…peacekeepers…the champions of the just…” he muttered in slow, confused syllables. Sphaera urged him to keep going by gesturing with her hand more. Cullen turned away from her and closed his eyes. “Blessed are the righteous, the lights in the shadow. In their blood, the maker’s will is written.” His eyes stayed closed for a moment before slowly opening and looking at her. “Why am I praying?” he asked.

                “You aren’t. You’re reciting the chant.” Sphaera said. “You used to do it to keep your mind off things.” Cullen’s frown softened and he blinked away from her in sudden realisation.

                “And you know the chant? So you follow the Maker?” he asked in confusion. Sphaera shook her head, her eyes becoming sad.

                “I never followed the Maker. I don’t even follow the Dalish Creators anymore. I just listened to you. I think your Maker does too. Though I don’t presume to know such things. All I know is that The Chant helps. That’s all that matters to me.” Sphaera said. Cullen observed her with a furrowed brow and a look she couldn’t quite discern, like he was halfway between understanding something. The look quickly faded to earnest, if wary, gratitude.

                “…Thank you.” He said. Ewen suddenly burst through the door with tea in hand and set it down. He paused, looking between the two of them warily. Sphaera gave him a look to usher him out of the room. With a glare in Cullen’s direction, he finally left. Cullen looked over the tea, and then at the door where Ewen had left, before picking up the cup and taking a sip. His face scrunched ever so slightly at the taste. He was always so terrible at hiding his displeasure, and Sphaera would have found it cute in different circumstances.

                “I should have told him to sweeten it.” Sphaera said. Cullen set down the cup and sat down at one of the armchairs, staring at the fire. There was a long silence where Cullen appeared to be thinking.

                “This very city once was covered in fire that crackled just like this one.” Cullen said. Sphaera’s brow furrowed in concern. “When I was out, I remembered a few things. I saw old buildings that used to be different. They have been restored. I remember them in shambles, with people trapped. Blood mages and rogue Templars slaughtering everything, everyone. You should have seen the state this city was in. And Meredith…Maker’s Breath, Meredith just sat in the centre of the Gallows for years. Nobody dared touch her. She spoke, sang, even though she was dead. I was supposed to know what to do, but I didn’t. Even the dwarves could hear her if they got close enough.”

                “Red lyrium. I’m familiar.” Sphaera said softly. Cullen glanced at her.

                “Yes, well…” he said in distaste, looking at the fire. Sphaera stared at it also, for a moment, allowing him time to continue, but he did not. He remained silent in his chair, stuck in his thoughts.

                “I apologize for my behaviour before.” Sphaera said, causing Cullen to look up as if just noticing her. “I was afraid of you, and I had never been afraid of you before. I may still be a bit afraid of you. But I also realise you are afraid of me too. And I think I should make it clear that I don’t want to hurt you. Would you be willing to come to a truce? A Templar to a mage? We need to be able to trust each other, at the very least. And if there is one thing I know I can trust, it is your honour. I know you have no way of trusting me, but I give you my word you will not come to any harm near me unless I am threatened by you. You can prevent me from feeling threatened by you.” She held out her hand. He looked at it for a moment before glancing at her with a serious look on his face before nodding curtly and shaking her hand.

                “You have my word. As long as this truce stands no harm will befall you.” Sphaera let out a little breath of bitter amusement.

                “I cannot hold you to that promise. I am a beacon for terrible things.” Sphaera said.

                “Well then,” Cullen said bitterly. “Aren’t we a pair?” Sphaera observed him, tilting her head slightly.

                “We were. Once.” She said. Cullen did not meet her gaze. She looked away. “There’s a ball tomorrow and I was hoping you might accompany me.” She glanced at his tea. “I know this is hardly an ideal time to ask. I apologise.”

                “I don’t attend balls.” Cullen said gruffly, folding his arms as he looked over the fire.

                “I know you aren’t fond of them, but Ewen is sort of sneaking me in and I would like the comfort of your sword on my side if we need it.” Sphaera said. This drew Cullen’s attention he stood from his chair, eyebrow raising.

                “Do you think you’ll need it? What kind of party are you sneaking into? Why?” Cullen demanded. Sphaera felt her walls go up and she automatically wanted to get defensive. She pushed those feelings aside.

                “It’s Varric’s party. I don’t know what it’s for and I don’t know why he didn’t invite me. There could be something important going on.” Cullen looked at her in disbelief and frustration. He pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly reigning his emotions in before he spoke.

                “No. I will not go and neither should you,” Cullen said in annoyance. “Just because you were not invited to something doesn’t mean there is something going on.”

                “Varric is one of my closest friends,” Sphaera said, trying not to get cross with Cullen. “If he didn’t invite me, there is a reason. I’m concerned.” She said calmly.

                “You act as if you are still in the middle of a war.” Cullen said, turning from her to grab the fire poker and shuffle a log around, trying to end the discussion.

                “I am.” Sphaera said seriously. Cullen tensed and he looked at her in surprise.

                “I heard you ended the war and closed the hole in the sky years ago.” Cullen said, his eyes narrowing. He was just becoming accustomed to the idea of somewhat peace in Thedas.

                “I did.” She said. “But that was merely a large battle in a much bigger war. One I didn’t realise I was fighting until recently. One most of Thedas doesn’t know we are fighting. It is partially my fault, I let something loose on the world when I could have stopped it.” She sighed. “To these people, I am the Herald of Andraste. I cannot stop now. I don’t think I can ever stop. Not as long as the world is like it is. I am fighting a war of spies and hiding now.” She said. Cullen looked at her empathetically. “Can I have your support tomorrow?”

                “…Yes…” Cullen muttered. Sphaera nodded, relieved. She would be glad to have his watchful gaze, so long as he remained on her side.

                “Do you have something to wear?” she asked. Cullen folded his arms again.

                “I brought my uniforms from the cabin. I have so few clothes it didn’t hinder me, and I didn’t know what trials I would face.” He said. “Also, your brother insisted.” Sphaera would have let out a chuckle if the room wasn’t still so thick with pain and graveness between them. She paused, looking over at him, at his fingers betraying the shaking hands he tried to hide in his folded arms.

                “Would you like me to stay with you right now?” she asked.

                “No. Go.” Cullen said gruffly. “I’m fine.” She could see he was not, though. She reached out with her good hand to lightly place it over Cullen’s, which was resting on his arm, but hesitated, hovering just above it. Cullen looked over her hand without changing his expression. She pulled her hand away.

                “I have seen you at your worst, Commander.” She said softly. “If there is anything I can do to ease your suffering, do not feel shame for asking me for it. I will do what I can to help.” She said. Cullen said nothing. Dorf rose from his seated position by the chair and nuzzled faithfully up to Cullen’s side. Sphaera gave him an appreciative nod.  “I’ll get you some sugar for your tea.” She said, before heading out of the room.

***

                Sphaera sighed as she tried desperately to reach behind her back and do up the blasted dress. She would have hoped a maternity dress would be easier to put on, regardless of the fact that it was a fancy ball gown. She cursed the dressmaker a thousand times for assuming she would have the aid of servants this whole time. She cursed herself for not catching this fatal design flaw before she ordered the dress. It was the same one she wore to Josephine’s party, but now she had to get it on herself, with a heavy metal arm that was weighing on her.

                “Are you nearly ready?” Cullen’s voice called from behind her door. At least some things about him hadn’t changed. His timing was as exact as could be expected from someone whose life was dedicated to the Templars. She was usually as punctual as she could be as well, trying to leave a good impression, but between wanting the place to be a bit fuller so she could be snuck in more covertly, and her aggravating dress holding her back, she found tonight was not going to be the night for an on-time arrival.

                “Hold on.” Sphaera said, unable to keep her frustration from her tone. She fiddled with it for a moment more before finally giving up. Ewen was already in the palace, so Cullen was the only other person with opposable thumbs. “Actually…Could I maybe trouble you for some assistance?” she asked.

                She heard the sigh from the other side of the door, but ignored it. She held her dress to herself and turned her back to the door, peering over her shoulder at it. It opened, and Cullen strode through, though she saw little of him from her odd angle. He stopped immediately upon seeing her, back exposed and bared to him.

                “I’ve tried and tried but I don’t think I can manage this with the aid of the prosthetic.” She explained, somewhat pleadingly to him. She could make out the startled look on Cullen’s cheeks, and she thought she saw a blush creep over his cheeks, but she couldn’t be sure. He shifted uncomfortably and cleared his throat.

                “Very well.” He said dutifully, as though she had asked him to slay her a dragon single-handedly instead of lace up the back of her dress.

                His hands worked quickly and quietly. He was gentle with the dress, pulling the fabric together with softer tugs so as not to destroy the fabric. She found it almost endearing, to see this gruff soldier able to be so gentle with her and her gown. It was almost, for a moment, like his morning caresses. She remembered his soft kisses on her neck as he helped her, or sometimes hindered her on the more playful mornings, in getting dressed.

                “There.” He said, stepping away from her. She turned to see him.

                There he was, looking as dashing as ever in his formal uniform. He looked precisely as he did when he asked her for a first dance. He looked precisely as he did on their wedding day. Sphaera looked away to save herself the heartache. She could almost fool herself into thinking it was all a bad dream, if she wasn’t careful. She could almost make herself believe that nothing had changed, and he still loved her, and that he remembered everything.

                “You look…presentable.” Cullen said, suddenly looking very uncomfortable. She observed him. There most definitely was a hint of a blush on his cheeks.

                “As do you.” Sphaera said. Cullen seemed to only grow more uncomfortable by her returned sentiment and shifted on his feet. “Our marriage was fairly hushed, but there was no doubt we were close, and now…” she gestured to her obvious belly. Cullen cleared his throat and nodded awkwardly. “Are you prepared to act like a couple tonight? I know you aren’t fond of politics and whatnot, but—“

                “I understand more than you give me credit for.” Cullen said in annoyance. Then he added more softly: “If it is a husband you need, then a husband I can be. Just be careful.” He said.

                “Right.” Sphaera said. “Then shall we?” she asked, gesturing towards the door. Cullen nodded and they headed out, leaving Dorf to guard the house while they were gone.

                “I have been wondering…” Cullen said as they walked through Hightown, now lit only by lanterns. It was rather quite in this district at this time of night, save for the occasional guard on duty. They didn’t bother Sphaera and Cullen, though. They were aware there was a party going on, and Sphaera and Cullen were certainly dressed for the event.

                “Yes?” Sphaera asked.

                “Did you recite the chant to me before?” Cullen asked. Sphaera frowned, observing him. His face was hard to read in the dimly lit street, but he seemed merely perplexed.

                “No…As I said, I don’t follow the Maker.” Sphaera said slowly.

                “I could have sworn it was familiar...” Cullen muttered to himself. Sphaera turned her face away from him and to the ground as she thought. She had not remembered ever reciting the chant to him. After all, when it came time for her to pray with all her might she hardly even knew any of it.

                She nearly froze in her tracks as it hit her. She only paused for the briefest moment, but it seemed to startle Cullen nonetheless. She kept walking, chin up, pretending it was nothing. He kept pace with her, which was not difficult since she was so much smaller than him.

                “When you got hurt I didn’t know what to do.” she said softly, barely audible in the strangely silent night. “So I prayed.”

                “But you do not believe in the Maker.” Cullen said.

                “The Creators couldn’t do anything to help. I knew that for sure.” She said. “But I don’t know much about your Maker, or Andraste. Whether they are real or not, or what they would be willing to do if they were. I was taking a chance. There wasn’t much else to do.” Sphaera said.

                Cullen was silent for the rest of the trip, falling into silent contemplation. They managed to sneak around back of the palace to the servants’ entrance where Ewen was waiting for them, dressed as a servant. Ewen ushered them inside with hushed complaints about their tardiness. Sphaera ignored most of them.

                Having scoped out the interior of the palace within the twenty-four or so hours she had left him to his own devices, Ewen was familiar with most of the servants’ tunnels built long ago by more demanding homeowners, she presumed. Ewen was also much more attuned to finding his way around than his sister, who had learned basic tracking and navigation skills from their mother but never quite got the handle of them. Her eyes never seemed to catch the things Ewen’s did.

                Ewen paused in front of a big door.

                “I figured you didn’t want to be announced like everyone else?” he asked. Sphaera could hear the introductions of the later arrivals by the herald behind the door. She assumed that much of the planning for this fancy occasion was not done by Varric, otherwise it would not be nearly as similar to something from Orlais or Antiva’s nobility.

                “Yes, thank you.” Sphaera said.

                “I’ll be around being a servant and shit while you have fun.” Ewen grumbled. “So if you need me I’ll be close.”

                “This won’t be fun, trust me.” Sphaera sighed.

                “Then why the fuck did you break in?” Ewen snorted softly.

                “Why do you think?” Sphaera asked. Ewen shrugged in the dark tunnel, his elven eyes glowing back at her from the very dim lighting. She could only imagine how odd the two of them must look to Cullen.

                “Because you wanted to wear that dress more than once? Because you wanted to see Cullen in his formal outfit? Because there’s snacks involved? Because you can’t believe you’re a buzzkill at parties and that’s why no-one wants you there?” Ewen prattled off. Sphaera’s eyes narrowed at him.

                “Yes,” she said dryly. “All of those reasons.” Ewen’s teeth flashed in a grin in the dim light.

                “I’ll take it.” He said, before swinging open the door and letting Cullen and Sphaera step out into the party.


	19. chapter 18

                Sphaera looked over Cullen, who was already examining the party guests for a sign of any threat. She cleared her throat lightly, drawing his attention to her. She held out her hand expectantly, clearly knowing the noble customs far better than he did. He looked over her hand before sighing and holding out an arm for her to grab. She carefully wrapped her arm around his and they proceeded into the crowd.

                Sphaera heard the whispers as they entered. It was expected. She stood out in a crowd. As she scanned the guests she noticed she stood out less than she originally thought. Amidst the human nobles and merchants were the occasional dwarf, and even a few elves in formal dress from their respective backgrounds. There were a few city elves discussing with a Dalish elf, one she assumed to be a Keeper. A merchant dwarf discussed business with a human noble nearby. A city elf danced with a human. It was a curious but welcoming sight.

                “Do you see the viscount?” Cullen murmured to her, eyes also scanning the crowd.

                “No.” Varric was nowhere to be seen, making this whole predicament all the more peculiar. Sphaera made her way through the crowd to the Keeper and the two elves he was talking to. Their conversation halted as she approached.

                “Andarran atish’an.” Sphaera said with a bob of respect to the Keeper. She nodded her head to the other two city elves.

                “Andarran Atish’an.” The Keeper responded. “I was not aware there were more Dalish arriving.”

“Nor was I.” Sphaera said. “Do you know where our host might be?” she asked.

                “In his office. I’ve heard he is addressing the concerns of those present here, but I have seen no one go up there.” Sphaera hid her concern behind a smile.

                “Ma serannas.” She said softly. The Keeper looked over Cullen with a stern gaze before looking back to Sphaera, his eyes hardening into a look of disapproval and pity. Sphaera nodded her head to him before pulling Cullen away, off to the side.

                “I must admit, there is clearly something going on.” Cullen said in a low tone, shooting a wary glance the way of the Keeper giving him looks. “Shall we try to get up there?” Sphaera looked up towards the stairs before shaking her head.

                “I want to get a better idea of what’s happening. This is all very odd.” She said. “He has guards, I can assume he is safe for now.” A servant walked by with glasses of wine. She parted from Cullen to grab one, trying to look casual. Cullen immediately snatched it from her prosthetic hand, causing her to look at him in alarm.

                “Your brother warned me it might be harmful for the child.” He said, his eyes boring into hers in accusation. Sphaera sighed her acceptance. She didn’t know nearly anything about pregnancy, so if Ewen said she couldn’t have something she would comply. Just so long as he didn’t get too ridiculous.

                “I’m going to ask around to see if I can get more information.” Sphaera said. “Keep an eye out for anything strange.”

                “What?! Surely you don’t plan on leaving—“ Sphaera turned before Cullen could finish and sauntered away, making her way to the guests scattered about. She fought the urge to smile at the idea that she had abandoned Cullen to face the throngs of people alone. She would, of course, keep her eye on him to make sure he was alright. Neither of them had truly been in the best state of mind recently.

                Upon questioning the guests she got little information aside from that she already knew. Varric was holed up in his office, discussing something with a group of people no one had seen. More peculiar was the fact that people seemed to be talking to one another. Elves conversed with humans, humans with dwarves, Dalish with city elves.

She talked to someone who appeared to be the hahren leading the alienage in Kirkwall and he seemed pleased with the treatment of the elves in the restoration. The alienage here seemed to be converted more into a place of culture and safety for the elves instead of a slums. They sold their wares, and they were offered many opportunities to help restore the city, providing them with jobs that were formerly closed to them. Varric was listening to them. She doubted that made him popular, but he had brought the city back, brought back trade, and now involved the alienage in city affairs. It pleased her to know that the elves here seemed at least on the road to a happy life. It would make them less eager to fall to the Dread Wolf’s influence.

She caught sight of Ewen wandering around, offering drinks to people. She could see his distaste for the job as clear as day, but he seemed to be distracting himself with keeping an eye on her.

When she couldn’t get any more information out of anyone, Sphaera found Cullen standing by a table full of food. A small group of ladies were asking him for a dance, and his annoyance was evident. Sphaera almost let him suffer, but the slightest pang of concern for him ran through her. Still, it reminded her of a time in Orlais when he was fighting off throngs of nobles ogling over him, and she couldn’t help but smile at his ability to attract attention.

“If you wish to have a dance with him you will have to fight off his wife for one.” Sphaera said, gliding up to Cullen’s side gracefully. Cullen looked at her in surprise, a hint of relief on his features, though it quickly faded.

                “Wife?” one of the ladies blinked at her, then at Cullen.

                “Yes. He’s spoken for.”

                “By you?” another lady pitched in in disbelief. Sphaera’s smile widened as her disapproval heightened.

                “Yes,” Sphaera said with a fake chuckle. “Aren’t I a lucky woman? She said, placing her arm around Cullen’s.”

                “ _Clearly_.” The first lady drawled. “Excuse us.” She said, and without another word the ladies left. Sphaera maintained her smile, but unhooked her arm from Cullen’s and flattened out her skirts. When she was certain enough time had passed she let her face fall neutral. Nobles were atrocious to deal with in every city, it seemed.

                “Thank you,” Cullen said awkwardly. He glanced around the room. “What were you able to gather?” Sphaera looked over him.

                “Not much that we don’t know.” She said. She paused before gently setting a hand on his arm. “Would you dance with me?” she asked softly, feeling her cheeks heat up, displaying her sheepishness at such a request despite her calm demeanor.

                “No.” Cullen said with finality, folding his arms. Sphaera pulled her hand away as if he stung her, looking away.

                “Right. Yes. You don’t dance. I know.” She said in embarrassment. “I was just rather hoping that…we might try anyway. To fit in. I’m afraid we may not seem enough like guests” She said awkwardly. Cullen sighed, brow furrowing at her as she blushed like a child in front of him.

                In actuality, the band was playing something fun and light and she was aching to dance with someone, but dare not ask a stranger. Cullen’s uniform reminded her of things she had lost and she was feeling nostalgic for Skyhold, and the Inquisition, and even Orlais.

                 “It may give me a more natural way to look around the room.” Cullen said as if convincing himself. “Very well. Though I’ll only prove to embarrass you.”

                “You won’t.” Sphaera said with certainty. She held out her hand. Cullen took it. She guided his begrudging self to the edge of the dance floor and paused in front of him. She placed her good hand on his shoulder and he placed a hand on her waist, barely touching her in some sort of awkward middle ground between actual contact and the cringe-worthy hover-hand. She lifted her other hand before realising it was her prosthetic he would have to take in his hand. She started to adjust herself, reversing hands so he wouldn’t have to hold her prosthetic, but he took it in his hand. She stared at him in surprise. He looked at her with his stoic demeanor unchanged. There was a beat of music. He began to lead.

                Cullen’s footsteps were awkward, slow, and uncertain. Though he tried to look around as they danced he stumbled every time he pulled his eyes away from his feet with a mumbled curse Sphaera couldn’t quite make out. She resisted the urge to chuckle at him, instead taking it slow and drawing herself closer so he could mimic the footsteps she had learned from Josephine a long time ago. Cullen paused as she pulled herself closer, but quickly followed along, and his steps became much less hesitant.

                Despite everything, she felt at home dancing with him. He never quite caught the rhythm, no matter what she did, and it morphed into an awkward side-to-side, but that was precisely why she loved it. It almost made the building ache in her arm worth it, if for only a moment.

                “There are elves from the alienage here. And from a Dalish clan nearby. There are dwarves too, possibly from the merchant’s guild, or something else.” Sphaera said.

                “The Carta?” Cullen asked. Sphaera shrugged,

                “I don’t think so, but you never know with Varric.” Anyone who knew Varric for five minutes could tell he was a liar to a compulsive level. She could never be certain who he hung around with. Cullen glanced around the room.

                “Some of these people are from the guard. I worked alongside them on occasion.” He said. He glanced back at his feet, faltering slightly. “I tried to rebuild this city with some of them.”

                “So you have friends here?” Sphaera asked in surprise. He had never told her of any friends after his time in the Circle. He shook his head.

                “No, I wouldn’t call them that.” He said.

                “Elves, dwarves, humans…What do you suppose this is really for?” Sphaera said, looking around at the odd array of people. Cullen looked around as well.

                “Perhaps having a dwarven viscount has changed the way things work. Is it really so odd to see everyone getting along?” Sphaera raised an eyebrow at Cullen’s ignorance.

                “I have had power of Orlais and Fereldan both and I still got called a knife-ear or a rabbit by nobles who thought I was surely nothing but a puppet Inquisitor.” She said, her tone becoming grimmer. “Look around. Do you see any humans serving around here? Varric is my friend, and a good man, and I don’t blame him for such things, but even in a room full of people you can see it. Watch how the city elves approach the humans. Watch how the dwarves approach them. You can’t fix tension like that in a couple years.” Sphaera said. Cullen seemed perturbed by that, now observing the room more closely. The pain sharpened in Sphaera’s arm.

                Sphaera found it difficult to maintain the magic in her hand when her arm was in such pain. All she wanted to do was rest her arm somewhere, take the heavy prosthetic off and let the pain soothe. Cullen suddenly stopped dancing, making another couple almost run into them. Sphaera ducked out of the way and to the side, narrowly missing several people in an attempt to get out of the dancing. Cullen followed her, nearly being dragged away.

                He scanned the room quickly before his eyes landed on a chair nearby. He gestured to it with a small hand movement.

                “Perhaps you should sit.” He said sternly, more of an order than a suggestion. His need to boss her around aggravated her, but at least he was trying to be more polite.

                “I’m fine.” She said, waving him off with a polite smile.

                “You lost all colour in your face and you stopped channelling magic into your hand.” Cullen noted, unconvinced. He nodded down at her prosthetic which was now a dead weight strapped to her arm. Sphaera’s smile fell, dropping the act. She should have known Cullen would be too clever for that. Though he seemed absolutely oblivious sometimes, he had a few moments when she could slip very little past him.

                “The prosthetic is just a bit heavy, and my arm hurts a bit.” She said sheepishly. She looked at him firmly. “I’m alright.” Cullen frowned.

                “You should take it off.” He said, reaching for her arm.

                “No.” Sphaera said in horror, looking around at the throng of people around them. “We can’t just take off my prosthetic in the middle of an event.” She said, though she wanted nothing more than relief.

                “Where will we go, then? There is no way to hide unless we leave.” Cullen said, looking around. Sphaera shook her head, placing a hand on his arm to draw his attention back to her.

                “We stay, and I manage.” Sphaera said. Cullen glared at her.

                “No. You’re clearly in pain. I won’t allow you to keep it on if it hurts you so much.”

                “I just have to get used to it.” Sphaera argued, glaring at him back. “And what makes you think you have any say in what I do?” Cullen scowled.

                “I have seen people lose limbs before. I’ve seen wooden legs and arms. I have seen what they can do if not treated properly. Take it off.” His voice became more of a command. She rose her chin and stared icily into his eyes.

                Her eyes trailed to the side at the sight of her brother making his way through the crowd to them and a few people staring their direction at the quarrel. They had caused a scene. Sphaera turned her eyes away, making herself look less angry and more in pain, which wasn’t hard, since the pain was pounding, screaming at her like her arm was trying to break free of its bonds.

                “Go ahead then.” She said to Cullen in shame, lifting her arm with effort to present to him.

                His hands were gentle as he undid the buckles and freed her of her hand. The staring people immediately looked away in surprise and awkwardness at having stared at someone without an arm, and muttered amongst themselves.

                “Maker’s breath…” Cullen breathed out in horror as he looked over her stub of an arm. She wanted to pull it away. She wanted him to stop inspecting it. She felt suddenly very exposed and out of control in this room.

                “Is there a problem here?” Ewen said, approaching them, giving Cullen a wary glare. He caught sight of the prosthetic in Cullen’s hands and stiffened, looking ready to fight. Sphaera held up a hand.

                “No problem. My prosthetic just hasn’t been properly broken in yet.” She said politely, giving Ewen a glare to demand he play along. He narrowed his eyes at her, assessing the situation, and for a brief moment she wasn’t sure whether he would comply. “Could you take it somewhere safe for me?” she asked him too sweetly.

                Ewen looked to the prosthetic again, then at Cullen, and then he looked at the arm in Cullen’s other hand. It was bruised terribly, looking like an awful mess. Concern flickered on Ewen’s face. He took a step forward to help, and she saw his urge to use his healer abilities on her. She gave him just the slightest shake over her head, and she saw the distress on his face in reaction.

                “Right. Yes. Very well.” Ewen said, bitterness creeping obviously into his tone. He couldn’t help her now. He took the prosthetic from Cullen snippily. “I shall take this back and return with some elfroot for you to chew on.” He said pointedly.

                “Perfect. Thank you.” Sphaera said politely. Cullen and Sphaera watched him leave before turning to each other once more.

                “This is bad.” Cullen said bluntly. Sphaera looked over her arm and couldn’t help but agree with him.

                “I just have to break it in. It will be like this for a while. Perhaps it was too tight?” she asked. Cullen looked over her with a steady glare.

                “We should send it back for something lighter. Something that doesn’t do this.”

                “No.” Sphaera said. “I just became able to do things again. I just became useful.”

                “You keep saying that. But you have travelled across Thedas by yourself almost twice over without an arm. I hardly consider that useless.” Cullen said firmly but softly. 

                “Thank you.” She said softly, not quite feeling it.

                Just then something caught Sphaera’s eye from the top of the stairs. White hair, much like her own, drew her gaze as someone stalked down the steps. They weren’t announced. Sphaera frowned and pushed past Cullen to get a closer look. The person on the steps caught sight of the very conspicuous Comtess making her way across the ballroom and froze. Sphaera caught sight of the tattoos, now flaring up brightly at the sight of her. They were no vallaslin, and she had never met this particular elf in person, but she knew him from Varric’s stories.

                “Fenedhis.” Sphaera hissed, causing a nearby Dalish elf to glare at her.

                “What?” Cullen approached her, not picking up on the language but the connotation behind it was clear.

                “That’s Fenris.” Sphaera said. “He was romantic with the Champion of Kirkwall.”

                “Oh?” Cullen asked, folding his arms and feigning interest.

                “I may have killed the Champion of Kirkwall.”

                “Oh…”

                “I had to leave her behind in the fade to fight a fear demon alone.”

                “Oh.” Cullen’s disinterest quickly melted into understanding, shock, and finally bitter resignation. They had a very angry boyfriend glaring them down from the stairs. they both knew this would not lead to something good.

                Fenris stalked down the stairs towards them. He was wearing something akin to a suit. His armour was off. Sphaera was thankful for that much. Fenris walked right up to them and stopped. Sphaera kept her face calm, serious. She didn’t want to antagonize him with a friendly smile. She didn’t want to antagonize him at all. Hawke was her biggest regret. She always wished there had been a way to save her, to save everyone there. But there had not. Now her decisions were coming back to haunt her she would accept the consequences.

                “Ser Cullen,” Fenris said, nodding his greeting to Cullen, who nodded his greeting back, arms folded as he watched Fenris warily.

                “Inquisitor, I presume?” Fenris sneered in Sphaera’s direction.

                “Fenris.” Sphaera said “I was wondering when we would meet.” She held out her hand formally, knowing full-well she would most likely lose her only remaining good hand. Cullen’s eyes widened in her peripherals and he looked at her as if she were a naïve child following a stranger with candy. The tension was thick between the three of them.

                Fenris looked at her hand and his lip curled up into a sneer of disgust. Sphaera slowly pulled her hand away. She didn’t think Fenris would go for it, but she had to try. Fenris’ gaze fell to her belly, then back at her with a stronger glare. She doubted her pregnancy would provide her with much protection or sympathy.

                “Why?” Fenris growled, a deep, terrifying sound. Sphaera felt the eyes of half of the ballroom on her.

                “Not here.” Sphaera said calmly, quietly. “You deserve an explanation but—“

                “I deserve more than an _explanation_.” Fenris snapped. “And Hawke deserved more. We do this _here_. In front of everyone.” Sphaera sighed softly and pressed her lips together, nodding sadly. She did deserve this. She understood his anger completely.

                “She asked to stay. She didn’t have any relation to the Grey Wardens. I had to make a choice and I had to choose and she was the least logical choice.” Sphaera said softly, sympathetically. Fenris bristled, his tattoos glowing more brightly. Cullen tensed beside Sphaera, and Sphaera drew magic into her, preparing to throw up a barrier if necessary. Otherwise, she remained upright and calm.

                “Careful.” Cullen warned in a growled voice. Fenris only glanced his way before ignoring him.

                “You left her in there to be food for the demons because it was _convenient_ for you?” Fenris snapped.

                “I left her because she volunteered and there was no other way.”

                “And I suppose there was no other way to go back?” Fenris snapped, his voice raising only slightly. His hands had balled into fists at his side. Sphaera was silent, and she guiltily looked away.

                “You—“ suddenly a body flung itself at Fenris. Sphaera took a step back in shock and Cullen reached for a sword he did not have.

                It took Sphaera only a moment to recognise the person now on the ground with Fenris, having caught him by surprise. Ewen.

                She couldn’t throw up a barrier because the two elves were so close. She couldn’t think of any way to tear them apart. Ewen didn’t know what he had done, and in one quick instant he could be gone. So she ran towards them.

                Cullen pushed past Sphaera and tried to pull Ewen off of Fenris, but as they pulled him away Sphaera could see Fenris’s hand phased through Ewen’s stomach, clutching something. She halted mid-step.

                “Ewen!” it came out more as a shriek of terror than anything else. She had heard stories of Fenris being able to rip people’s hearts out with his bare hands, and though Varric’s ability to over exaggerate was famous, she didn’t want to take that chance. “Let him go.” Sphaera growled, approaching. Fenris glared at Sphaera and tightened his grip, causing Ewen to squirm against Cullen’s hands and cry out. He tried to fight against Cullen’s grip nonetheless, trying to fight back.

                “Let. Him. Go.” Sphaera commanded, her magic coming forward in her rage and terror. It was surging through her, red hot, powerful, angry. If she cast a spell now it would burst from her without control. She would not cast a spell. She had to hold it back.

                The guards, not knowing who to point their weapons at, pointed them at Sphaera and Fenris both. Neither of them moved. The room was silent.

                “You seem very upset about this random servant.” Fenris stated angrily.

                “I’m her brother you fucknut, and if you want to hurt her you’ll have to get through me.”

                “A life for a life.” Fenris growled at Sphaera. Her world began to spin and for a moment it was all she could do not to release a thousand spirits on him.

                “Maker’s breath, Fenris,” a female voice said from the top of the stairs “Stop telling everyone I’m dead.”


	20. Chapter 19

                The room turned to look at the source of the voice. Murmurs broke out speculating who she was. Sphaera almost didn’t recognise her. Had the face not haunted her dreams for years she wouldn’t have. Cullen, though, recognised her instantly, shooting Sphaera a questioning glare. He probably thought she had lied to him.

                The woman was wearing a fancy tunic and pants fitted to show off her figure. She wore a cape that flowed behind her, adding only more of mystery to her. She had aged considerably since last Sphaera saw her, more than someone normally would in the short time. It had only been a few years but wrinkles adorned the woman’s features and made her look ten years older than she actually was. She descended the steps one-by-one, approaching Fenris slowly.

                “Fenris, you aren’t supposed to start fights without me.” The woman said.

                “She _tortured_ you. She deserves to feel what I felt. What _you_ felt.” Fenris growled.

                “Whose to say she hasn’t?” the woman finally reached the bottom step. “Varric is going to be upset if you ruin his party with murder.” She warned with a smile.

                “Audrey Hawke.” Sphaera said in shock. She turned to Fenris. “If she is here then this isn’t your fight. Nor is it Ewen’s. Let him go.” She demanded.

                Fenris pulled his hand out of Ewen, leaving not even a mark. Ewen grasped the place on his body where a hand had previously been inserted into in shock and shivered at the odd feeling of release. Then, upon realising he was absolutely fine, he lunged towards Fenris again. Cullen, the closest to react, grabbed the significantly smaller man and pulled him away a good distance as Ewen spat out curses in elven. Sphaera took a shocked step towards her brother, wanting nothing more to examine him for injury, but Cullen seemed to have it under control. Half the guards focused on him, the other half still remained on Fenris. Fenris only glared in Ewen’s direction and scoffed.

                “Long time no see, Inquisitor.” Hawke said, approaching her. She held out her hand. “I suppose we have a few things to talk about.”

                “You were dead.”

                “Good.” Hawke said with a grin. “That’s what I was hoping you would think.” The familiar red streak on her nose was gone, replaced with premature wrinkles and a weariness and broken look behind her eyes that she recognised too well from years with Cullen. Though she walked with the swaggering confidence she had before, Sphaera noted her hips swayed less, her footsteps were closer together, distributing her weight evenly.  She knew the look, knew the signs all too well.  

                Sphaera tried to keep her composure, but she doubted even Empress Celene herself could keep her composure in this circumstance. The ghost that had haunted her, the demon who had been in her dreams for years, was now standing before her, showing the signs of trauma she had caused. How long had she been in the fade, tormented by demons? How had she not gone mad, or been possessed?

                Hawke made her way over to Fenris, pushing past the guards as if they were curtains and causing them to scowl at her. They seemed used to her. She had been around for a while. She placed a gentle hand on Fenris’s shoulder. He didn’t keep his glare off Sphaera. He let out a curse in a language Sphaera didn’t know and straightened himself, his tattoos dulling to their normal, not-glowing state. Hawke placed a kiss on Fenris’s cheek and he grumbled something Sphaera didn’t hear and glared in Hawke’s direction, though with more of an annoyed look than the murderous glare he shot Sphaera. Hawke muttered something back in response and grinned. Fenris sighed, shooting Sphaera one last glare before heading back up the steps, pushing past the clearly useless guards. Hawke gave his butt a light smack on his way out and Fenris glared over his shoulder at her.

                “Well,” Hawke said. “He does always give me quite the entrance, wherever we go.” She said.

                “I can see that.” Sphaera responded, watching Fenris with a raised eyebrow.

She then turned to her brother, who was still struggling against Cullen’s grasp, now more vigorously since his intended target was leaving. Cullen was struggling to keep Ewen in place.

                “Ewen.” Her words were not yelled, but they still cut through the air like a knife, causing her brother to stop struggling and look at her with a glare. He was livid. Usually she knew he would be able to see her terror at having seen the ghost of awful decisions past, but it was hard to say when he was in a mood like this.

                She received an answer when Ewen’s anger immediately died down like someone had dumped a bucket of water on his fire. He went slack in Cullen’s arms and Cullen sent Sphaera a raised eyebrow, silently asking if the threat was gone. Sphaera gave Cullen the smallest of nods. Cullen let go, and in one swift movement Ewen was at his sister’s side. The guards scrambled to keep up with him, even trying to swipe at him, but he was at her side so fast no one had time to react. He grabbed her hand, close enough now that few would notice. His eyes locked onto Hawke, watching her like a mabari asked to guard.

                “So is the ability to cause a scene whenever they enter the room a male elf trait or…?” Hawke asked.

                “No, I think Fenris and Ewen are just kindred spirits.” Sphaera said back, risking the hint of a cordial smile. Ewen scowled at this and silently spat on the ground beside him, which happened to land on a guard’s boot. The guard looked displeased about this.

                “I think you may be right.” Hawke said, folding her arms and admiring Ewen for a moment. He glared at her.

                “I would like to talk to Varric, if you know where he is.” Sphaera said, pulling Hawke’s attention back to her. Hawke raised an eyebrow.

                “What makes you think _I_ know?” she asked, a small smirk playing on her lips though her eyes hardened, examining Sphaera. Sphaera met her stare with an unimpressed raised eyebrow. Sphaera had connected the dots. Varric was having a meeting with a group of people he didn’t want anyone else to see, and Hawke and Fenris had come from upstairs. Now she wanted answers, and she wasn’t going to deal with petty aversion techniques.

                Hawke’s smile flickered at Sphaera’s glare and her eyes grew angry, though a smile still stretched across her face.

                “Don’t give me the mother-glare.” She said jokingly, though it did not mask the seriousness in her words. “You and I are on equal playing ground now.” She added like a threat. Ewen tensed beside Sphaera, but she ignored him.

                “You’re right,” Sphaera said, ignoring her guilt “Which is why I would prefer you don’t treat me like an idiot. Please, take me to Varric.” Hawke adjusted herself, sizing Sphaera up for a moment. Her eyes flickered to the crowd, and then to Sphaera again.

                She shrugged a single shoulder and grinned a genuine grin at Sphaera.

                “Well, if nothing else, this will be interesting.” She said in amusement. She glanced at Ewen. “So I guess you don’t actually work here? I mean, we originally came down here for more wine and fancy snacks, so…” Hawke said awkwardly, rubbing the back of her neck.

                “Oh, I’ll get you your wine.” Ewen growled out.

                “For some odd reason I don’t think you’re qualified. Hm. Funny.” Hawke said, tilted her head at him and pretending to examine him. She shrugged and moved to one of the nearby guards. “You can inform one of the servants we need more refreshments, can’t you?”

                “That isn’t—“

                “Lovely!” Hawke patted his chest plate before turning to Sphaera and making a sweeping gesture at the stairs. Then she turned on her heel and started to ascend the steps. Sphaera followed behind without hesitation. She felt her brother’s presence behind her, but she heard the soft, heavy sigh and heavy footfall of Cullen following her as well. She did not stop them. She had no idea what to expect anymore.

                As they reached the door to a meeting room upstairs, Hawke paused outside the door. She turned to Sphaera.

                “It’s going to have to be just you coming in. Cramped spaces, you know.” She said.

                “Bullshit.” Ewen snapped.

                “Gesundheit.” Hawke said without missing a beat. Cullen rolled his eyes.

                “Let me accompany her.” Cullen said, stepping in front of Ewen. “For security.”

                “Sorry, Cullen.” Hawke said. “You definitely can’t come in. Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of her. Make sure Varric doesn’t bite.”

                “It isn’t Varric we’re worried about.” Ewen grumbled, folding his arms like a sulking child.

                “Why can’t they come in too? What’s going on?” Sphaera demanded.

                “Hey, I’ve laid out my terms. You don’t want to talk to Varric, feel free to go.” Hawke said steadily, giving Sphaera another glare through her grin.

                Sphaera gathered her wits and nodded grimly.

                “So be it.” She turned to Cullen. His brow was furrowed and he looked like he had a thousand arguments running through his mind but was speaking none of them. “You can stay out here. If I need either of you I’ll shout.”

                “I will await your word.” Cullen said stoically, bowing his head slightly. Ewen let out a disgruntled snort and leaned on the wall in a huff. Sphaera searched the commander’s face for any sign of concern for her, but his eyes were locked on the mysterious door she was about to enter. Sphaera tried not to show her disappointment, but Ewen raised an eyebrow at her anyway. She ignored him, and burst into the room.

                “—I doubt Hawke would be so stupid—“ Fenris was saying as Sphaera walked in.

                “Oh look. Hawke was that stupid.” A voice said from behind him. Fenris spun around to face Sphaera, and in doing so revealed a nearly full table. She recognised Aveline as the other speaker.

                The door closed softly behind her as Hawke entered the room. Sphaera would have been unnerved if Varric weren’t sitting at the end of the table before her with a look of annoyance in his eyes.

                “Hawke…”

                “I brought you a friend, Varric!” Hawke said gleefully, finding her spot at the table and flopping down on her chair. Fenris remained standing, folding his arms and glaring at Sphaera in distaste.

                “Yeah, thanks for that, Hawke.” Varric grumbled. “Well, Ghost, might as well start with introductions.” He gestured to each individual around the table as he introduced them. “You’ve met Aveline, Fenris and Hawke, clearly. This is Merrill, Isabela, and Blondie.”

                Sphaera’s eyes landed on the last person Varric introduced, a very tired looking mage. She suddenly understood why Hawke wouldn’t let anyone else in here, especially Cullen.

                “Varric, you know this is a terrible plan.” Sphaera said “You have a bunch of people downstairs while you hang out with a bunch of fugitives upstairs?”

                “Only a few fugitives, _technically_.” Varric said. Sphaera placed her face in her hand and sighed.

                “It was my plan, actually.” Hawke said. “There’s no better way of making people get along than shoving them all in the same room and giving them something in common, in this case, how annoying Varric is.” Hawke explained.

                “Ouch, Hawke.” Varric said, dramatically placing a hand over his heart. She ignored him.

                “Meanwhile we get an alibi to get together and play wicked grace.” She explained.

                “It should have worked out, but you showed up and we ran out of food and drink.” Varric said. “So now I probably have to _actually talk_ to these people.” He grumbled.

                Sphaera looked out at the table of faces, all looking at her with distaste.

                “Well, at least I know why I wasn’t invited now.” She said dryly.

                “You really should keep better watch on your servants, Varric.” Hawke laughed. Varric groaned.

                “You posed as a servant? And nobody questioned it?” he asked Sphaera tiredly, looking her outfit up and down in confusion.

                “I’m a one-armed albino, Varric.” Sphaera said calmly. “Of course they would have noticed it. That’s why Ewen posed as a servant instead.” Varric groaned. Ewen had come visited her in Skyhold before, and had grown sort of infamous as a trouble-maker. “I was _concerned_ for you, Varric. But, having seen everything is alright, I should go.” Sphaera turned on her heel to leave. Everyone in the room was glaring daggers at her, and it made her incredibly uncomfortable. She wasn’t ready to face this room. Not before she talked with Hawke alone.

                “Wait!” a voice called out. Sphaera paused and turned in surprise. It was the other Dalish elf, Merrill. “What right have you to question us and walk away as if we’re in the wrong? You have some things you have to answer for as well.” She said angrily. Sphaera blinked in surprise but bowed her head in agreement.

                “Very well.”

                “If you were worried, why didn’t you just _talk_ to Varric?” Merrill asked. “If he’s as much your friend as you say he is, you should have been able to do _that_.”

                “Varric isn’t known particularly for telling the truth.”

                “But you still could have done him the courtesy.” Merrill countered angrily. Sphaera glanced away like a child being scolded. She had not expected Merrill to be so forward.

                “Another quick question.” Isabela piped in. “You were running all over Thedas. Why stop here?”

                “I have somewhere to stay here, to call my own. It’s safer. I can’t keep running.”

                “What are _you_ running from?” Fenris asked. Sphaera sighed softly and looked away.

                “People are trying to hunt me down. Not just you. People who think I’m too powerful.” Fenris made an indistinguishable grunt and glanced towards Hawke, who said nothing.

                “Why did you leave her in the fade?” Anders voice was quiet, but cold. “Do you know how long she was there? What she went through?”

                “Anders—“ Hawke started.

                “—I don’t.” Sphaera said. “But I can well imagine. I was there for a short period of time and I still can’t fathom it. She offered to stay behind, so we could leave. I had to make a difficult choice. I wanted to stay behind myself but I was sure whoever I left behind would die at the hands of the demon, and I had a responsibility to the world. Hawke offered to go. It was her or a grey warden, someone who could help me ally with the other grey wardens. I…It is a decision that has haunted me since I made it. I am glad you made it out alive, Hawke. And I’m so sorry. I owe you something so large I cannot possibly give it back to you.” Sphaera said, looking to Hawke, who pursed her lips grimly and nodded. The room was quiet. Hawke’s brows furrowed and she looked thoughtfully at the table.

                “It was my decision to stay,” Hawke said. “You did what you had to do.”

                “But she didn’t have to leave you there!” Fenris piped in, now arguing with Hawke.

                “Fenris. Hawke. All of you,” Sphaera said “I am in your debt. I don’t know how I can make this right, but…I’ll help whatever way I can.” The room seemed to settle slightly, though it was still tense.

                “Maybe you can play a round of Wicked Grace with us?” Hawke suggested, followed immediately by a chorus of groans and protests. “Alright, okay. Too soon, I get it.” She said, putting her hands up defensively.

                “I would like to talk with you, Hawke,” Sphaera said seriously. “When you get a moment.”

                “I figured.” Hawke sighed. “I’ll make my way to your mansion when I have time.” Sphaera nodded her thanks.

                “Your apology means nothing.” Fenris snapped. “Do you think coming in her uninvited, happy with Cullen, full with child, and merely apologising is going to be enough?” Sphaera felt the sting of his words more than he intended. She was not happy with Cullen. Not yet.

                “Alright, time for you to go.” Varric said, rising from his seat and walking quickly over to Sphaera. He knew. He was possibly the only one in the room who knew. At least she thought, until she saw Isabela averting her gaze in the corner.

                “I apologise, Varric.” Sphaera said earnestly. Varric was trying to shoo her out the door.

                “Yeah, yeah. You can buy me a drink later.” Varric grumbled, nearly pushing her out of the room. Sphaera paused and turned to Anders.

                “If anyone asks, I didn’t see you.” She said.

                “Thank you.” He said quietly, bitterly. Sphaera nodded and slipped out of the door behind her, much to Varric’s relief.

                When she walked outside the room Ewen was leaning against the wall arms folded, scowling at her. She glanced around and found no trace of Cullen.

                “Where’s The Commander?” Sphaera asked her brother, who pushed himself off the wall with the sight of her.

                “He said something about this ‘being ridiculous’ and then walked off.” Ewen grumbled.

                “What?” Sphaera asked, her heart falling. “I was only in there a few minutes!”

                “I was listening in and all I caught was something about ‘Wicked Grace’. It sounded dangerous so I told him and he stormed off.” Ewen shrugged. Sphaera closed her eyes for a second, gathering her wits.              

                “Wicked Grace is a _game_ , Ewen.” She said, as calmly as she could muster but her jaw was tense. Ewen shouldn’t have been listening, and she didn’t know how much he had heard. Cullen left because there was no danger. She had wasted his time.

                In a moment without action she became aware of her sore arm, and feet and back. It had been a stupid idea, crashing a party. She really only wanted some fun back in her life. If she had truly thought Varric had been in danger she would have went to him earlier. It was all a lie. She just wanted to let loose. She should have known it was a foolish idea. She was no longer a young and free Dalish woman. She was a dignitary, a war-hero. She had ghosts from her past haunting her that she could not run from.

                “Let’s go home.” Sphaera sighed tiredly, brushing past him.

                “You don’t want to take a few cakes to go? Dance a bit more? I mean, it seems a waste of a fancy dress.”

                “We had our fun, Ewen. Now it’s over. It’s time to go home.” Sphaera said in defeat. Ewen looked over her in concern and wrapped an arm around her.

                “You said you weren’t here to have fun.” Ewen said. “Besides, we haven’t _actually_ crashed this party yet.” Sphaera brushed him off her shoulder.

                She said nothing to him as she made her way out of the Viscount’s keep. She heard Ewen’s soft footsteps behind her. The night chill was not nearly as sobering as the events leading up to it, but it was rough nonetheless.

                Sphaera made her way to her room, defeated. There was nothing more to do about it but sleep and hope for the best tomorrow. As she fiddled in agitation she heard voices outside her room.

                “Where the fuck have _you_ been?” Ewen’s voice hissed.

                “I went to retrieve her arm in case there was a fight.” Cullen’s voice responded, low, angry. “When I came back neither of you were there!”

                “Well maybe if you actually told me where you were off to!” Ewen snapped back, his voice also a shout-whisper. “Listen, I told you if I was going to bring you back to her you were going to treat her better than you have ever treated anyone in your life, and you have so far made her the unhappiest I have ever seen her.”

                “I’m _trying_.” Cullen growled back. “She didn’t make it easy on me, in the beginning. Lately she’s been much easier to…much nicer to be around.”

                “Fenedhis lasa, Cullen! You’re talking about my sister!” Ewen growled. “Tonight she was excited, she wanted to have fun, and wear a dress, and crash a party. You treated her like a mission, and then you left her without a word. Go in and apologise!” She heard Cullen groan and she could almost see him rolling his eyes.

                There was a knock on her door.

                “May I come in?” Cullen called out to her. She turned her back to him, leaving the clasp to the back of her dress and wandering over to the window, which she gazed out of so he wouldn’t see her face. Her chin was wobbling a bit and her brow was furrowed, but she was managing to keep her composure.

                “Yes.” Sphaera called out. The door creaked open slowly, followed by two heavy footfalls towards her.

                “I retrieved your arm from the servants.” Cullen said softly.

                “Put it down wherever there’s room. I’ll find it.” She said. He was silent for a moment, gathering his words.

                “I apologise for tonight,” His voice was soft, guilty, like a scolded child. “I didn’t realise you would be out so soon, I was getting you a weapon and—“

                “Commander,” Sphaera interrupted, glancing over her shoulder. “Could you undo the back?” He blinked at her, stunned. She pointed calmly at the back of her dress.

                “Y-yes, of course…” he said, setting her arm down on the bed and striding over to her. He started to undo the buttons. “What I was getting at was that I didn’t mean to abandon you.”

                “I got my dance.” Sphaera said softly. “That’s enough for me for now.” Cullen’s hands paused.

                “Is that why you really invited me? For a dance?” he asked in distaste.

                “It’s all I wanted. A moment to forget about everything, to relive the old days. It’s been so long since I’ve _danced_.” She said, a melancholic smile on her face. Cullen finished undoing her buttons and she turned to him, holding her dress up in the front.

                “You could have said so.” Cullen said in mild annoyance.

                “I could have, and you would not have come.”

                “I wonder why you ever married me, the way you think of me as a heartless bastard.” Cullen’s voice remained steady but his displeasure was growing. Sphaera hung her head and looked away.

                “I apologise, Commander. I have had a rough night and I am tired.” She gestured to the door.

                “It would have been a much simpler night had you not meddled.” Cullen said with a scowl before turning to leave.

                “Commander!” Sphaera called out so suddenly she startled herself. He paused, but did not turn. “I left her to die, and she came back after years of torment in the fade. Every day the fact that I left her haunted me, and I faced her tonight. What was more, do you know who was in that room?”  
                “…Who?” Cullen asked, looking over his shoulder at her.

                “All of the people who loved her who I had taken her from.” She said, her lower chin wibbling and a knot forming in her throat. “So if you want honesty, there it is, but if you’re here to accuse me of being a terrible person, then someone has already beat you to it, and said it louder and stronger than you.” Cullen half-turned to her as his face melted into one of sympathy. He sighed softly in resignation before stepping over to her and placing a single hand on her upper arm.

                “I don’t think you’re a terrible person.” He said awkwardly. She blinked at him, and then glanced away.

                “I don’t think you’re heartless. I know you’ve got a rather large heart, in fact.” She said.

                “That’s a medical condition he should have checked out!” Ewen called from the hallway. Sphaera’s brows fell in annoyance.

                “Please go beat him up.” She grumbled.

                “Done.” Cullen agreed, equally annoyed. His gaze softened on her. “Try to sleep well tonight, despite everything.”

                “…You as well, Commander.” And with a curt nod he gave her shoulder a pat and walked out.


	21. chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, if you like my writing, maybe you might like my art too? Maybe? Anyway, here's my art blog: http://shallowhalla.tumblr.com/

                Spheara woke up to the clang of swords in her house. Sitting straight up in bed, Sphaera waited a moment to adjust, just to be very certain it was not a dream. Again swords clashed. Heart racing, Sphaera swung her legs out of bed and grabbed her staff, waiting by her bedside. Her arm would take too long to put on.

                She hurried to the stairs and as she stood at the top of them she saw the source of the cacophony ringing through the house. Ewen swung at Cullen, to which Cullen expertly parried. She would have been worried they had actually argued themselves into a fight if Dorf wasn’t lazily lying to the side, watching the whole thing with the utmost calm.

                Sphaera sighed softly and descended the stairs.

                “If you two are going to spar, can’t you at least do it outside?” she asked. Cullen turned his face to her in surprise. Ewen took advantage of it and swung. Cullen jumped back and blocked with his shield. Ewen grinned.

                “What, you would have us fighting in the streets? After last night I’m sure you don’t have nearly enough diplomatic immunity for that.” Ewen said.

                “What do you know of diplomatic immunity?” Sphaera snorted, reaching the bottom stair and sitting on it, watching Cullen and Ewen go back and forth as they talked over the din.

                “I know a lot about it.” Ewen said, swinging his two-handed sword forcefully at Cullen. “I used it to my advantage _a lot_ when I went to Skyhold.” Sphaera’s brow fell and she shook her head in annoyance. She made a kissing noise to draw Dorf’s attention and beckoned him over by rubbing her fingers together. He looked over her once, then lazily got up and padded over to her huffily. He sat at her side and she scratched his head absent-mindedly as the fight continued.

                Sphaera recognised Ewen’s sword. It was the same sword he had kept on him for years, one of his prized possessions despite the fact that he was a healer and it would go against his morals to kill anyone. He kept it sharpened and took good care of it, he wouldn’t dull it for a sparring match.

                “Are you not using practice swords?” Sphaera asked in horror.

                “Do we look like we brought along practice swords?” Ewen snorted, dodging Cullen’s sword in the nick of time. Sphaera threw herself up onto her feet in alarm.

                “We are in the middle of the city! You didn’t think that perhaps you could have waited an hour until the shops opened and bought some? Or perhaps grabbed some wood planks from downstairs?” Sphaera asked, her voice rising in her panic. Ewen said nothing in response, ignoring her on purpose and keeping his eyes on Cullen, so Sphaera turned her attention to someone who might listen. “Commander, do you think this is acceptable?”

                “I don’t see why not. As long as there is control. I’ve seen tournaments similar to this.”

                “Would you allow your recruits to use sharpened blades when training?” she demanded, using her sterner inquisitorial tone. Cullen’s back was to her so she couldn’t see his reaction, but his shoulders tensed slightly.

                “Neither of us are recruits.” He responded in an annoyed tone.

                “If you don’t destroy each other you’ll chop up my house.” Sphaera growled.

                “If you wish me to have faith that you can control your magic, have faith that I can control my sword.” Cullen snapped back, dodging a lunge from Ewen. Sphaera sat back down huffily. Dorf looked over her with sad and concerned puppy eyes. She placed a hand on his head and scratched behind his ears, not letting her eyes leave Cullen.

                “It is not _you_ I don’t have faith in.” Sphaera said coolly, clearly. Ewen bristled.

                “I have control!” he argued, just as Cullen sliced upwards and nearly sent him tumbling on his ass to dodge it. Cullen took his precious seconds of confusion to glance back at Sphaera. She gave him a pleading look. She saw his face harden.

                Ewen swung his sword, trying to catch Cullen while his guard was down. Cullen stepped backwards. She had seen him fight on much less even terrain, in slippery mud, and never lose his footing. Now his foot rolled and he fell backwards. His armor clattered against the stone tiles. Dorf stood, alert. Sphaera’s hand went to her staff. She knew Ewen was a precise healer, but one falter and he could kill Cullen. He was lying completely prone on the ground.

                Ewen thrust his sword towards Cullen’s neck. Sphaera tried to cast a barrier, but the blade stopped before she could, just before Cullen’s neck.

                “Checkmate.” Ewen said with a grin. He put his sword away, and helped Cullen up with a hand. Cullen took it gratefully and stood, putting his own weapons aside.

                “You’re good.” Cullen said to Ewen, giving him a nod of acceptance. “Though you need better footwork. And you sometimes treat your two-handed sword like a one-handed one.”

                “And you display your weaknesses to your opponent, so I guess we’re even.” Ewen said, nodding over towards Sphaera. As Cullen turned she realised she had stood, and still had a look of horror on her face. She tried to wipe it off before he could see, but his eyebrows raised slightly when he saw her and he quickly glanced away. Ewen murmured something to him she could not pick up before he walked off.

                “Me and my very controlled weaponry are going to go cut up things in the kitchen for breakfast.” Ewen said nonchalantly, wandering happily downstairs with his sword thrown over his shoulder.

                Cullen approached Sphaera. She held her chin high and tried to look dignified, hoping he could ignore her breach of calm.

                “You let him win.” Sphaera said.

                “It was the only sure way to end it at a reasonable time.” Cullen explained, keeping his eyes on Dorf instead of her and letting the mabari lick his hands mercilessly. “You know as well as I do he wouldn’t accept an end until someone won. The only way I could guarantee that happened is if I lost.”

                “I wonder if this is why you were recruited to be the inquisition’s commander, with such confident retreats.” Sphaera teased lightly. A ghost of a smile twitched his scar upward, throwing her off for a moment.

                “Sometimes you have to retreat from one battle in order to fight another.” He said, his eyes scanning her face. Her breath caught in her throat in surprise, killing any witty comeback that may have almost formed in her mind. Had he just flirted with her? Her cheeks heated and she was certain they were a lovely shade of pink now.

                “Ewen doesn’t have formal training like you do. He’s more of a fist-fighter.” Sphaera explained, trying desperately to avoid her cheeks’ betrayal any longer. “I can get you practice blades if you want to spar.”

                “Are you truly that concerned for me?” Cullen asked, his eyes flickering up to hers with earnest curiosity.

                “I am.” Sphaera said. “You’re…You’re the closest friend I have outside of Ewen. I would hate to lose you to a stupid accident.” Cullen straightened and folded his arms, looking over her in disbelief.

                “Just the other day you said you hated me.” He pointed out.

                “I did.” His smile fell. Her heart lurched. “I could only hate you because you hurt me so badly. And I could only be so vulnerable because I…still liked you quite a lot, despite it all.” She glanced away. He shuffled on his feet awkwardly.

                “Do you still hate me then?” he asked softly. She placed her hand on his arm.

                “No.” she said, equally soft. He allowed her a soft smile. She looked him in the eyes. “Have you remembered anything more?” He pulled away, suddenly becoming much more business-like and closed off.

                “No,” he said slightly forced as if coming out of a daydream. “Only fragments.”

                “If you tell me I may be able to help.” Sphaera insisted. “I want to know where you are.” Cullen’s jaw tensed and his eyes were unfocused, contemplating her words. Finally they flashed to her.

                “As I said,” he said, calmer, “they were only fragments. Things like: you in a dress on a balcony at night. You turned to me. Nothing more.” Cullen shrugged. “Or lying awake watching the stars through a hole in my roof as someone breathes steadily beside me. Or…writing my name on a document and sealing it with a wax seal that had the symbol of the Inquisition.” Sphaera smiled warmly at him.

                “Those are good!” She encouraged. He looked over her with uncertainty.

                “I remember dragon wings. Shouting to close the gates.” His brow furrowed and he looked troubled. “People were screaming. I couldn’t save them all.” Sphaera’s smile fell. She remembered that all too well. She knew he was upset about Haven, she didn’t know it haunted him as much as her. It seemed so long ago now.

                “Haven.” She said softly with a nod. “I tried to save them. It wasn’t possible, there was an explosion and buildings were collapsing before…” she stopped herself before she overwhelmed him. “Still, we got many people out. You helped guide them through tunnels underground.”

                “And you didn’t come along?” Cullen asked. She shook her head.

                “I stayed back to hold back the forces.” His eyes widened.

                “By yourself?! And you _survived_?!” he asked in disbelief. She let out a small chuckle.

                “There was a reason they called me the Herald of Andraste.” She said. “Despite my better efforts to make them stop.” She added.

                “Divine or not, you a _re_ lucky.” Cullen said earnestly. Sphaera frowned slightly, but quickly flashed him a smile to replace it. Cullen caught her disapproval anyway and shuffled awkwardly. “Would you like to…Go look at practice swords with me, then? So that I can be sure you approve.” He stammered out. Sphaera felt her cheeks heat up again and she looked away, her hand finding the back of her neck.

                “I would need to get dressed first.” She said with an embarrassed smile.

                “Right…I should do that as well. Get dressed myself, I mean. I didn’t mean dress _you_ , that would be—unless you need help with the buttons like before?” Cullen said. She noted how damp his clothes were with sweat under his armour, and the way his hair was loosed in several spots, letting his curls hang free. He would definitely need to prepare before going out.

                “No, no. I’ll be fine. Thank you.” Sphaera said, trying to help him out but finding herself at a loss for words. She risked glancing at his face and she found his eyes looking at the floor. “Is something wrong?” she asked.

                “No…” Cullen said, shaking himself out of his stupor. “I was just hit with a wave of familiarity.” He said.

                “In me?” Sphaera asked, cautiously optimistic. He shook his head with a sigh.

                “I don’t know.” He responded “Regardless, I should go.” He gave her a small nod before leaving her to get changed, escaping the awkward scene. Dorf bounded behind him, following him up to his room.

                Sphaera watched him go. He wasn’t the only one hit with nostalgia. The entire first half of their relationship was filled with moments equally as awkward as this. It was a miserable way to navigate a romance. She wasn’t sure what he thought of her at this stage, and she had to suffer endless embarrassment around him. Still, there was something about it that made her want to shove her face in her pillow and squeal in delight. Perhaps it was the way his blush always started in his ears and then spread through his face, or the way his hands suddenly became very busy trying to figure out where they should place themselves. Perhaps it was the fact that the tough Templar turned to an awkward boy in a second, and suddenly she saw once more how he could never have been a threat to her when she joined the Inquisition.

                The sound of Ewen shuffling up the stairs broke Sphaera from her thoughts and she hurried up the steps to get changed out of her nightgown and avoid her nosey brother’s scrutiny.

                She managed to dress herself well enough and headed out into the foyer to wait for Cullen. Ewen was leaning on one of the fancy columns holding the tall ceiling up and eating toast with jam on it. He said nothing, only grinned knowingly at his sister from across the room. Sphaera had half a mind to throw something at him to make him stop.

Luckily, within a few moments Cullen came down the stairs, Dorf following behind him eagerly, bounding down the stairs and weaving past Cullen to greet Sphaera with a wagging tail. Sphaera pet the mabari’s head.

                “Are you coming for a walk?” Sphaera asked, leaning down slightly so she could give the top of the mabari’s head a quick peck. Dorf bounced eagerly around her and barked. She chuckled. “Perhaps I spent too much time in Fereldan, but there is something about seeing a happy mabari that never fails to lighten my mood.”

                “I can confirm,” Ewen said with his mouth full, “That is the exact same face she makes when a halla is happy, which is apparently the Dalish equivalent.” He said the last part with a hint of dryness that Sphaera actively chose to ignore.

                “Shall we go then?” Cullen asked, shooting Ewen a half-glare. Sphaera looked over at her left arm and suddenly started for the stairs.

                “Hold on, I forgot the prosthetic.” Sphaera said.

                “For fuck’s sake, Fi. No!”

                “I hope you don’t intend to put it back on!” The two men in the room blurted out their protests at the same time, causing Sphaera to turn around.

                “I have to get used to it.” Sphaera said.

                “You have to repair it.” Cullen countered sternly.

                “As a healer, I can second that.” Ewen said. “There is no way your arm is fine after what I saw last night.” Cullen shot Ewen a mildly surprised glance, but quickly turned his attention back to Sphaera. To be honest she was slightly surprised Ewen had agreed with Cullen as well. Usually he would disagree even out of spite. It almost made her reconsider.

                “I need an arm.”

                “Not that badly.” Ewen snapped.

                “Well, then.” Sphaera said. “I’m bringing my staff.”

                “We’re going shopping, do you really intend to use it?” Cullen groaned.

                “Isn’t that your sword I see strapped to your side?” Sphaera asked Cullen, raising an eyebrow at him in disapproval.

                “Yes, well…” Cullen shuffled and cleared his throat, puffing himself up slightly to give himself a more authoritative presence. Sphaera’s frown deepened and her eyebrow only raised more. “You don’t need a staff if I have a sword. If there’s an issue I can handle it myself. You shouldn’t fight in your condition.”

                “My _condition_?” Sphaera asked, now both her eyebrows shooting up. Ewen snorted out a mocking laugh, Cullen closed his eyes and sighed deeply. “I don’t know what sort of ‘condition you think I’m in, Commander, but I most certainly could defend myself and my child if I needed to.”

                “Fine.” Cullen said, annoyed. “Can we go now?”

                “Absolutely, let me grab my staff.” Sphaera said sweetly. She retrieved the thing quickly and quietly, returning to Cullen in only a few minutes. His annoyance was clear on his face.

                “Try not to get in any fights, Fi.” Ewen said as Sphaera headed for the door, Cullen and his mabari in tow.

                “I’ll try.” Sphaera said over her shoulder.

                Cullen caught up to her in a few strides and walked alongside her. She walked past the many vendors of Hightown, working her way towards Lowtown. Cullen was silent for a few minutes before he spoke.

                “You said the other day you are still fighting a—“

                “Ooh, apples!” Sphaera quickly moved away from Cullen to a fruit vendor, picking out some apples. In truth, she had been craving fruit that morning, so it was a welcome distraction. She heard Cullen sigh behind her and felt his presence at her side.

                “You said you were—“

                “Commander.” Sphaera’s eyes shot up to his in a stern glare and she very slightly shook her head. She didn’t know how many of Solas’s spies were around her at any given moment in a place like this. Realisation hit his face and he pressed his lips together, glancing around the marketplace.

                “What I’m getting at is, you told me last night you were going to the ball for entertainment.” Cullen said, folding his arms as Sphaera handed the vendor money and thanked him. “So what is the real reason?”

                “Both?” Sphaera said, glancing at him as she continued to walk. He followed alongside her, Dorf always close by. Cullen shot her an unimpressed look and she sighed. “My friendships are all I have right now. I’ve been scared lately, terrified. I haven’t had an Inquisition or you behind me.”

                “I haven’t gone anywhere, nor do I intend to.”

                “Loyalty and honor are two very different things, Commander.” Sphaera said, giving him a side glance. He glanced away, looking slightly embarrassed. She looked away also, trying to hide the hurt that still came every time he didn’t deny such things. “What I mean is, I need to stop running, and stop hiding. That doesn’t help me or my cause. I need to go out sometimes, and I need to meet people, and I need to remind people that I am still alive, and still strong despite everything. Moping around doesn’t help, and Varric’s party seemed like a good opportunity to have a bit of fun and get a good idea of what is going on around this city.”

                “If your intention was to draw attention to yourself, you did an amazing job at it, then.” Cullen grumbled.

                “Why do you have to be…” Sphaera trailed off, recognising her own voice rising.

                “What? Please, go on. What am I?” Cullen asked icily. He stopped walking stopping in front of Sphaera. Dorf padded over and let out a soft whine. Cullen placed a hand on his mabari’s head, but kept his eyes trained on Sphaera.  

                “A Templar. You have and always will be one, apparently.” Sphaera said, figuring it would be the least cutting remark to make in the circumstances. Regardless, Cullen’s face twitched and he looked away, seeming to actually be hurt by her accusation.

                “What happened to you to make you hate Templars like this?” Cullen asked, his voice low. Sphaera glanced around, they were in a rather dark corner in the market rather early in the morning after a ball. What few people were around didn’t notice them. “I could understand if you were a Circle mage with a bad command, or perhaps an apostate on the run, but you’re Dalish. You never had to deal with Templars.”

                “Other than the stories I have heard from all sorts of mages?” Sphaera asked. “Other than the idea that if I were born outside of the clan I would be forced into a tower my whole life, and if I did wrong I could be thrown in a cell and forgotten, or made tranquil or many other awful punishments? Besides that, the hatred I faced for being mage even while heading the Inquistion? I could deal with all that, it isn’t new to me. But I can’t forgive…” Sphaera once more censored herself.

                Had Cullen not been so eager to join the Templars he would not have been recruited at such a young age, he would not have been in the tower of Fereldan when it was overrun by demons, he would not be plagued with nightmares. The Templar order gave him lyrium when he was a little more than a child, got him addicted to it, harnessed his hatred and used it to their advantage. Without the Templars, he would have been safe, and not have been fighting so hard to keep himself afloat when she met him. They told him if he quit lyrium he would die, and perhaps he almost did. What the Templars did to mages was inexcusable, but what the Templars did to their own recruits, boys like Cullen who only wanted to protect, was disgusting.

                “What?” Cullen demanded crossly. Her eyes flickered to his only for a moment, then flickered to the scar on his lip. The first few days off lyrium were apparently the hardest. Cassandra had revealed that much. Sometimes she thought about that when she felt his scar on her lips. She thought about how with everything he had gone through, one slight difference could have killed him. Instead all he had was a scar.

                “Nevermind.” Sphaera said. “Let’s continue on.” She pushed passed him and moved towards Lowtown.

                She preferred buying what she could from Lowtown. It was cheaper and she felt like more of the vendors in Lowtown were alienage elves. Still, the market stalls were beautiful in their simplicity, and the fact that trade was set up in Kirkwall to this degree was promising for the city.

                Someone paused in Sphaera’s peripheral, mid-stride, catching her attention though she did not look up. When she noticed them approaching her she automatically reached for Cullen’s arm, catching it and gripping it in tension. The person walked into her line of sight, clearly staring at her, wanting to be seen. Cullen paused, looking from Sphaera’s hand on his arm to the nervous-looking stranger before them. Sphaera’s heart thudded loudly in her chest. This could be a trap. This was almost certainly a trap.

                “Um, hello.” The nervous stranger said. Sphaera gave her a smile and Cullen’s arm a nervous squeeze. He shifted slightly beside her and sighed in agitation, but she caught his eyes scanning the area around them. She could always rely on Cullen to keep an eye out.

                “Hello.” Sphaera said politely.   

                “You…You sort of look like the Herald of Andraste…” he person said. “Well, how she’s described in the viscount’s latest book.” The stranger said with a sheepish smile. Sphaera took a good look at her. She looked to be in her mid-twenties, dressed in the clothing of one of the merchants of Lowtown, not rich, but not poor either. She seemed innocent enough, but Sphaera was still on her guard.

                “Well, I’m glad Varric’s description of me is apt. He has a habit of exaggeration.” Sphaera said. The woman’s eyes widened.

                “So you’re the Herald? Actually?” she asked in surprise. She seemed earnestly shocked, and Sphaera’s heart warmed to her slightly. Dorf padded over beside Sphaera and stood at attention, ready for a command.

                “Yes. What’s your name?” Sphaera asked, holding out her hand. The woman blinked at the outstretched appendage as if it were a claw before breaking out in a grin and clasping Sphaera’s hand with both of hers.

                “Gwendoline. It’s an honour to meet you, Herald. You’re a legend across Thedas!” the young woman said enthusiastically. “Does Andraste speak to you? Does she tell you what to do?”

                “No,” Sphaera said softly. “I figure it out on my own. Well, with help from some advisors.” She glanced back at Cullen with a smile but he kept his eyes on the girl.

                “Maker’s breath, I can’t believe this. Could you sign my copy of ‘All This Shit is Weird’?” she asked. “It’s in my home, just around the corner! Just wait here!” she said.

                “We are very busy.” Cullen pitched in. Sphaera wanted to agree with him. She wanted to go. This seemed like it was leading to a trap the further she got in the conversation.

                “Let her get her book. We can wait a few moments.” Sphaera said calmly, despite her uncertainty.

                “You must be Commander Cullen!” Gwendoline said, turning her attention to Cullen in excitement. “Could I get you to sign my book too? Oh, I’m wasting time. Hold on, I’ll be right back.” The young woman scurried off without another word.

                Cullen glanced around with a scowl on his face, then his eyes fell on Sphaera beside him.

                “You said people are trying to kill you?” he whispered to her in agitation.

                “Yes, but this is important too.” Sphaera whispered back, glaring at him.

                “It’s a trap.” Cullen said.

                “It might not be. I have to take that chance.”

                “For a single woman?”

                “For faith. People still believe in me, and people will support the person who gives them the most hope.” Sphaera said.

                “She’s a lowly merchant’s daughter. She’s hardly an army.” Cullen said.

                “And I was a simple Dalish elf, and half of your training was outside your local chantry in a small town that barely makes it onto the map.” Sphaera said. “She could be a leader. She could be an investment.”

                “She could be a mistake.” Cullen grumbled, hand on his sword.

                “One I’m willing to make if I have someone at my side willing to fight with me.” Sphaera said. Cullen glanced over at her. He folded his arms in annoyance.

                “Check the perimeter.” Cullen ordered Dorf, who barked and raced off. He glanced over to Sphaera, an eyebrow raised as if he expected her to protest, but she said nothing. His eyes scanned the marketplace again.

                “Commander,” her voice made his eyes snap to her and she felt her words almost catch in her throat at the sharp look he was giving her. “If at any time we do get attacked, if _I_ get attacked…Don’t risk yourself to save me.” Cullen frowned.

                “I thought it was my job to protect you at all costs.” Cullen said.

                “As a Templar escorting a mage or a commander to his Inquisitor?” Sphaera asked, blurting out the question she was afraid to know the answer of. His brow furrowed.

                “As a husband with a pregnant wife.” He said sternly. Sphaera frowned.

                “I hardly need a husband to protect me.” She said.

                “Perhaps not.” Cullen said, looking towards a particularly shady vendor. “If the stories you told me are true I doubt you would ever need my protection, except perhaps from yourself. But I’m sure wedding vows usually involve a promise to keep you safe. Even if I can’t remember making it, I intend to keep that promise.”

                Sphaera felt her cheeks become hot and she prayed he wouldn’t look over and see.

                “That promise is what got you into this mess, and I don’t intend to let you throw yourself into danger and get hurt because of me for a second time.” Sphaera said. Cullen’s eyebrows shot up and he turned to her in surprise.

                “Do you blame yourself for all this?” he asked, his voice becoming soft, surprised, and concerned. She remained quiet, pressing her lips together. Cullen placed an arm on her shoulder. He looked ready to say something when the young woman came back, book and quill in hand. Sphaera smiled at her, wiping the sadness off her face.

                “Here, I’ll just, um…” The young woman held the book out, front cover open for Sphaera to sign and handed her the quill. Sphaera took it and signed the book, adding a sweet little note.

                “I apologise if my handwriting is illegible. I lost my writing hand.”

                “That’s fine! I’ll manage!” the young woman said excitedly. “Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to do this for me. It means a lot. I just moved here from Fereldan and I saw the kind of impact you had there. My uncle’s neighbor had a farm that had a hole in the sky nearby and you killed all the demons and closed it for him so he could keep growing crops. I just really appreciate all the work you’ve done!” Sphaera smiled politely.

                “Thank you. I…” she let out a small laugh. “I don’t know quite what to say, I don’t get compliments like this every day.”

                “Really? You should!” he woman said. When Sphaera was done she handed the quill back. The young woman looked over the signature and glowed with excitement. She looked over Cullen. “Commander Rutherford, could I get your signature as well, ser? I mean, the battle of the Grey Wardens? My brother will be tickled if I get your signature as well.”

                “Alright, here.” Cullen said curtly, outstretching his hand. She hand him her book and quill and he signed it in a much briefer way, but still the woman was pleased.

                “Thank you so much! I will stop bothering you now, but I really appreciated this! Have a wonderful day!” the woman said before scurrying off just as Dorf wandered back over and gave Cullen a bark of the all-clear.

                “See? Optimism works sometimes.” Sphaera teased lightly.

                “Let’s get the swords and go home.” Cullen grumbled. Sphaera watched him go a few steps before turning to Dorf and scratching his head.

                “You did such a good job! I’m going to get you some mabari crunch.” She cooed, causing Dorf to bark in excitement. She smiled at the dog, for a moment forgetting her crabby commander as she walked around the market.


	22. Chapter 21

                When Sphaera entered the mansion again she was exhausted. She got winded so much quicker now and her feet ached. She dared not tell Cullen he was walking too fast lest he think she couldn’t manage, and so she suffered in silence, only having to hold back more and more aggravation as the trip passed.

                Dorf’s head tilted and his ears became alert when they entered the mansion. Suspicion and wariness growing at the dog’s behaviour, Sphaera followed him as he sniffed his way over to the living room. Cullen followed closely behind.

                First she found Ewen at her desk, scribbling furiously away. Then she saw a familiar figure sitting in front of her fireplace, reading silently.

                “Ewen, when we have guests you’re supposed to keep them occupied, not sit and…” she glanced over her brother to the plethora of scribbled stick figures dancing on the page “doodle on my good paper.”

                “It’s a letter to my husband.” Ewen said, rolling his eyes at his sister as if this should have been obvious.

                “Romantic.” Sphaera said sarcastically.

                “He can’t read very well yet, and I’m trying to let him know what’s been happening.”

                “I always sent a messenger who could read it out loud. Has the added bonus of making some poor messenger boy say gross mushy things to Fenris. Then he stopped answering the door.” Hawke said, not looking up from her book.

                “I don’t want to embarrass, Pad.” Ewen responded. “Besides, it probably wouldn’t embarrass him. He would be delighted, because _he_ won’t ever be deterred from _loving me_.” Ewen said snottily. Hawke turned in her chair and stuck her tongue out at Ewen. He stuck his tongue out back.

                “I’m glad you two became so familiar with each other so quickly.” Sphaera said, managing to hold back the most of her sarcastic tone.

                “Well, we have a lot in common.” Hawke said, slamming her book shut and standing. “He’s romantically involved with an elf, _I’m_ romantically involved with an elf. You left him to join the inquisition, you left me to _continue_ the inquisition…” Sphaera’s heart lurched. Hawke looked just behind Sphaera as if she hadn’t just drove a verbal dagger through her heart. “Hi Cullen. Do you remember me?”

                “Yes.” Cullen folded his arms and grumbled “I remembered you last night as well. If you’ll excuse me…” without another word he turned on his heel and made for the door. Sphaera was horrified he would leave her when he knew the sort of effect Hawke had on her.

                “Commander, wait!” Cullen paused and Hawke sucked through her teeth.

                “Still not on a first name basis?” Hawke said with an exaggerated wince at Cullen. He ignored her, looking instead to Sphaera.

                He had a distant look in his eyes, as if the goings on around him were irrelevant. He was distracted by something, and by the look on his face it was something rather grim. She couldn’t make him stay and keep his composure.

                “Take Dorf with you.” Sphaera said. “He needs to be fed.”

                “Right.” Cullen said, patting his leg. Dorf came trotting faithfully to his side.

                “You’re going to remove the war dog _and_ the mabari away from me? Really, that’s just not fair. At least let me look at _one_ cute mutt.” Hawke protested with a little dramatic pout. Cullen shot her a glare over his shoulder as he left. When they were gone, Sphaera shifted on her tired legs a bit. She gestured to a chair, offering it to Hawke. Hawke refused it with a shake of her head and the wave of her hand. Sphaera kept her disappointment hidden and stayed standing as well.

                “So you named your mabari ‘Dorf’?” Hawke asked, crinkling her nose.

                “It means ‘grey’ in Dalish.” Sphaera said. “And he’s the commander’s mabari. I just helped come up with a name.”

                “Ah. Because he’s grey. Very creative.” Hawke said. “Maybe Dorf and Weiner could have a playdate sometime.”

                “You named your mabari Weiner and you criticise Fi’s name choices?” Ewen piped in, eyeing his sister and standing from his desk chair, offering it to her. She shook her head slightly. If Hawke wasn’t sitting neither could she. She couldn’t appear weak.

                “His full name is ‘Oscar-Meyer Weiner.’” Hawke explained “We named him after a neighbor back in…You know, nevermind. That isn’t why I came here.”

                “That’s right, she came here to steal our books.” Ewen said off-hand. Hawke looked to the book in her hand.

                “I actually hadn’t gotten around to reading Varric’s newest adventures yet.” She tossed the book on a nearby end table. “He speaks fondly of you. He spoke fondly of you before too, when he urged me to come help out.”

                “He’s one of the closer friends I made in the Inquisition.” Sphaera said, shifting her weight from one foot onto the other to relieve some pain on at least one leg momentarily.

                “Even after you had to leave me behind?” Hawke asked in genuine surprise.

                “He was devastated.” Sphaera said. “I don’t think I have ever seen him as upset as that day, even when I met Bianca.” Hawke’s face went from her usual perma-grin to complete appall.

                “You got to meet the real Bianca?!” she asked.

                “She came to visit.”

                “She’s a _real person_?” Hawke asked.

                “I didn’t realise he hadn’t told you.” Sphaera winced, feeling even guiltier, if that was possible. “Forget I mentioned it.”

                “I’ll try.” Hawke said, grin appearing on her face again. “I figured you would want to talk.” Her tone grew more serious despite her grin and she glanced at Ewen.

                “I did,” Sphaera turned to her brother. “Some privacy, Ewen?” she asked.

                “Only if you sit down.” Ewen said, folding his arms and giving Sphaera a stern glare.

                “Ewen, It’s rude to—“

                “Fuck your shemlen manners. Sit.” Ewen demanded, pointing aggressively towards the armchair. When she didn’t move he scowled. “Doctor’s orders.” He hissed. Sphaera rolled her eyes and walked over to the armchair, sitting down on it. Ewen gave a short nod of approval before making his disappearance.

                Hawke stared at Sphaera down her nose, examining her, her eyes that were usually glimmering with humour were now calculating, cold. Sphaera maintained eye contact, refusing to back down. She owed this woman a lot, but it didn’t mean she was completely powerless. Or perhaps she was just too used to the merciless nature of court.

                “How did you get out of the fade?” Sphaera asked.

                “Eager to keep me in there?” Hawke asked, raising an eyebrow. “Or is this just your way of making small talk? ‘How did you find the fade, Hawke?’ ‘Well, you know. It would have been awfully dull if it weren’t for all those demons trying to torment me into letting them possess me.’” Hawke’s impression of Sphaera was actually not bad, considering the little time they had spent together.

                “There’s only one person I know of that could potentially create a gateway from the fade to this world right now. It isn’t me.” Sphaera said, holding up her arm. “So I need to know how you got out.”

                “About a year ago I found a tear, and I jumped through it. As simple as that.” Hawke said. Sphaera looked Hawke over. She seemed to be telling the truth, but it was hard to say with her. Perhaps that’s why she and Varric got along so well.

                “I didn’t know what to do about you. I couldn’t…” Sphaera sighed. “If I seem cold towards you it’s only because I have been haunted by you ever since that day in adamant.”

                “Do me a favour and save your words, Inquisitor.” Hawke said. “What happened, happened. Neither of us can change that. Your words are too diplomatic, and I can’t trust you are completely genuine. But there is something else.” She crossed the room and leaned on the wall next to Sphaera, making her crane her neck to the side. “You’re still fighting something. Something big and bad. Varric has been avoiding it, but you haven’t. I see the way you act, all jittery. There’s something else, something that frightens you more than Corypheus, isn’t there?”

                “There is.” Sphaera sighed. “I couldn’t ask you to fight for me, after all you’ve been through.”

                “I’ll fight for you.” Hawke said. She stared very steadily in Sphaera’s eyes. “If you can keep this city from seeing any harm, I’ll fight for you. You keep the holes in the sky and the demons out of here, keep the fight far, far away, and I’ll hop back into the fade with a smile on my face. But keep it away from here.” It was a warning, almost bordering a threat.

                “I will do what I can. After the battle here I imagine the veil is very thin, which means this will probably be in danger. But I will do what I can.”

                “Good.” Hawke said. “Just know, the moment this city goes under, you lose my support. I will single-handedly fend off whatever army is sent here if I have to.”

                “I understand.” Sphaera said. “The hope is that I can stop this before it starts.”

                “Yes? Well…” Hawke grinned a knowing, slightly malicious smile “Good luck with _that._ ” And without another word, she turned on her heel and left.

                Sphaera sighed. She still hadn’t eaten today and she was supposed to be eating for two. She was starving. She made her way downstairs to the kitchen where she found Cullen sitting silently over a cup of tea. Dorf sat at his feet, chewing on a bone of some sort.

                “Have you eaten anything yet?” Sphaera asked softly. Ewen’s poorly cooked breakfast was still sitting on the counter, and she didn’t have the patience to make something new. She moved to dish the now cold food onto a plate, reheating it with some subtle fire magic.

                “No, I’m fine.” Cullen grumbled, breaking out of his distant stare to look at her.

                “Are you?” Sphaera asked, setting the plate in front of him with a semi-concerned look.

                “Are _you_?” Cullen countered, staring at her steadily. Sphaera turned her back to him, dishing out her own plate.

                “I’m alright.” Sphaera said softly. “But I didn’t seclude myself down here and brood over a cup of tea.” Sphaera placed her plate on the table across from Cullen and sat down behind it. “Do you want to talk?”

                “No…Yes, I…” Cullen said. His brow furrowed as if he was looking for the right words. “How did we ever end up married?” Sphaera was taken aback by the question and she tried not to look hurt. Was all of this effort a lost cause, then? “I didn’t mean it like that, I mean… I’ve done things I don’t think you could forgive me for. If you knew…” He sighed, looking at her with pained eyes.

                “I know about those things.” Sphaera said as calmly as possible, not letting her voice waver. “I forgave you for them.”

                “Then you didn’t know the full extent.” Cullen said bitterly. “Do you know what I allowed to happen? What I allowed Meredith to do? Even as I started to realise her corruption, I still followed her word, I still allowed it to happen.”

                “Where is this coming from?” Sphaera asked in concern, wanting to reach out, to touch him, even if it was his shoulder or hand, anything to show her support.

                “Hawke. I saw her yesterday, but for some reason it was now…It reminded me of the days after. Of the things I saw, what I learned.” He looked so pained that Sphaera didn’t know if she wanted him to go on, not if it would hurt him so much.

                “Commander—“

                “There was a young mage.” His eyes flashed to hers, cutting her off, and then trailed away. “She was good, by all standards I had been taught. She stayed in the circle, she obeyed the Templars, she trained hard, never gave any signs she would ever fall to a demon. When I secured the city afterwards I found her tranquil. One of the Templars under my watch had his eyes on her, and he made her…I joined the Templars so I could protect mages, not endanger them. I…” Cullen’s voice was shaking, but he managed to look Sphaera in the eyes seriously. “I want to do better.”

                Sphaera reached across the small table and placed her hand over his, unable to resist any longer. He looked at it in surprise, then at her, his eyes questioning, uncertain.

                “I can help you, if you want it.” Sphaera said. Cullen’s eyes fell to his food in thought.

                “I trusted her, and she…” he sighed, not finishing his sentence. “I don’t know what to believe anymore.”

                “The Templars are gone now, so your hand is rather forced, I’m afraid.” Sphaera said.

                “I’m starting to understand why you hate the order, with all the stories.” Cullen grumbled.

                “And with what they did to you.” Sphaera said so softy she was sure Cullen wouldn’t hear it, but his head snapped up and he looked at her in surprise.

                “What they did to me?” he asked, pulling his hand away from hers.

                “You were tormented mercilessly by demons and they sent you back to work with the mages immediately after. Meredith used that fear to her own gain. Not to mention the lyrium. They got you addicted to it at such a young age and then used it to control you, and when you stopped they said it would kill you, and maybe if you were a weaker man it would have, but as it were, it was months later and I watched you deal with headaches and shakes so bad I wrote letters to my brother begging him for some sort of way to alleviate the pain and…” there were tears in her eyes and she fell silent at Cullen’s stunned look. She settled in her chair, her cheeks heating as she shoved food in her mouth, avoiding eye contact with him.

                “I’m sorry if I inconvenienced you.” Cullen said earnestly, looking down at his tea.

                “Worried. Never inconvenienced.” Sphaera corrected, letting herself look at him. “I want you to be better, Commander.”

                “So you still have feelings for me? Even now?” Cullen asked. Sphaera looked up at him, blanching.

                “Those kind of feelings don’t go away so easily, Commander.” Sphaera said.

                “Hm,” Cullen said, deep in thought. “Thank you for this discussion. I have a lot to think about. If you’ll excuse me…” he stood from his seat.

                “Bring the food.” Sphaera ordered. Cullen looked at the plate in mild surprise, as if he had forgotten, and then took it with a raised eyebrow in her direction. He headed out the door, Dorf following in tow.

***

Sphaera was just getting to bed when she heard a faint call of Cullen’s voice from somewhere in the mansion. She grabbed her staff and ran out into the hallway, trying to make her footsteps silent so she could get the surprise attack on any intruders.

                “No! Leave her be! You are hurting her!” the shout came from Cullen’s room. Sphaera’s tense body relaxed slightly, sudden understanding washing over her. Ewen opened his door, looking ready for a fight as well. He looked to his sister in surprise, silently shooting her an intense look and nodding towards Cullen’s door. She shook her head and waved him back to his room with her staff. Ewen frowned and tilted his head in confusion. Cullen let out another wordless shout. Sphaera gestured again, this time more sternly, and headed for Cullen’s door.

                “No! Stop!” his voice louder now she was in the room, she could hear all the pain held within the words. She put her staff aside and moved to his bedside, lighting one of the candles with a wave of her hand. Dorf bounded in the door behind her, ears perked up and ready to protect.

                Sphaera lightly shook Cullen. He gasped and jolted awake, his body tense, drenched in sweat, his hazel eyes wide. She reeled back at the sudden motion, preparing for him to swing at her, but he appeared to have just enough control in him to keep his arms down.

                “Shh, Cullen. It’s me.” She said softly. “You were having a nightmare.”

                “Did I wake you?” he asked, his tense body relaxing slightly and the terror on his face being replaced with tired embarrassment.

                “Not me, but maybe Ewen.” Sphaera said softly. Dorf hopped up on the bed and found his place beside Cullen, cuddling his side. Cullen absent-mindedly pet his head. “And definitely Dorf. I’m surprised he doesn’t sleep in here.”

                “He usually does, but tonight I ordered him to stay downstairs. Keep watch.” Cullen said. Before she could respond he looked to her, his eyes distant. “You…Have you calmed me from my nightmares before?” he asked

                “Many times. We used to share a bed.” Sphaera said, sitting on the edge of the bed. He blinked at her, his brow furrowing. He propped himself up on his elbow.

                “I remember. You were lacing your boots when I woke up. I remember wondering how I had slept in longer than you. I remember wishing you hadn’t seen it, but also being thankful you did…I” Cullen said.

                Sphaera observed him. He was trying so hard to remember. His brow was furrowed like when he saw a particularly troubling report, his eyes scanned the sheets in front of him as if trying to read an invisible book about his life.

                “It was the first time I said—“ she offered some guidance.

                “I love you” Cullen blurted out. The words sent her heart pounding and she frowned, looking away.

                “Yes.” She said. There was silence between them. Dorf nuzzled into Cullen more, taking his attention away from the heaviness between them that was filled with words unsaid. “If you are alright, I should get back to bed. Unless you need anything else? Tea to calm your nerves?”

                 “No, I’m fine.” Cullen said, head bowing. She got up to go, leaving the candle for him. “Wait.” She froze, turning slowly to look at Cullen in surprise. “What was my response?” Cullen asked.

                Sphaera hesitated. She smiled softly in remembrance.

                “To be honest I barely heard it. Your eyes lit up like I had never seen before and they were rather distracting. But I think it was reciprocated.” She cleared her throat and looked away. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.” She turned to go.

                “You have refused to call me by name all this time…” Cullen said. “I…You called me Cullen. When you woke me.” Cullen’s voice said from his bed.

                “I did.” Sphaera confirmed, not turning to him. She knew there were many questions in the statement. She hesitated, waiting for him to ask any number of them. Why? When? What? All the questions she was too tired to fully comprehend herself.

                But Cullen said nothing to her. So she left. She thought she heard him sigh once she closed the door. She ignored it. Ewen waited in the hall leaning on the wall with his arms folded. He gave his sister a devilish grin when she met his gaze.

                “I’m too tired for this now, Ewen.” She sighed. She should have known better than to leave the door ajar when Ewen was awake.

                “Alright,” he threw his hands up in the air defensively and shrugged. “All I was going to say is that I’m pretty sure you went in there with a staff.”

                Sphaera’s eyes widened and she turned to Cullen’s closed door. She had left her staff in his room. How would he handle that? Would it make him uncomfortable? She couldn’t rightfully go back in there, after that awkward exit. Perhaps he wouldn’t notice. Perhaps she could steal it back in the morning when everyone was awake.

                “You did it as an excuse to get back in there, didn’t you?” Ewen teased, pleased with himself. Sphaera glared at him.

                “Go to sleep.” She ordered, then stormed into her room, her brother’s chuckles at her back.


	23. Chapter 22

                She was awoken the next morning by a bang at her door. As she sat up, the banging continued, like a beat of a drum. She noticed it wasn’t a knock on her door but rather a knock on either side of her door.

                “Hello?” Sphaera called out. She heard a sharp and familiar whine of a dog. Her shoulders relaxed and she smiled to herself, climbing out of bed and moving to her door.

                She opened it wide and Dorf stood there, her staff in his mouth, unable to fit it in the doorway. He tried to walk in but the staff was too long and barred him from entry.

                “And they say mabaris aren’t clever.” Sphaera teased. She glanced at Cullen’s open doorway. “How did you manage to get it out of Cullen’s room?” she asked. Dorf dropped her staff to the ground at her feet and barked. “Oh, in that case, I apologise.” She said, though she had no idea what the mabari was trying to say to her. She picked her staff up and brought it into her room. Dorf bounded off and came back a few minutes later, enough time for Sphaera to pull on the day’s clothes, a bushel of wildflowers carefully carried in his jaw. Sphaera’s eyes widened.

                “Are these for me?” she asked, taking them carefully from Dorf and examining him. Dorf barked, bouncing around her. “Well, these were definitely picked by hands, and not paws. And they’re local to the area… I don’t think these were from you, were they?” she asked Dorf. Dorf barked twice to indicate the answer was no. “Well will you show me to my secret admirer?” she asked.

                Dorf’s tiny stub tail wagged furiously as he excitedly pranced out of the room. Sphaera followed him, feeling much lighter than she had in quite some time. It was quite a lovely way to wake up. The mabari bounded down the stairs and into the living room, where Ewen and Cullen sat. Dorf placed his head on the arm of Cullen’s chair, causing Cullen to break conversation with Ewen to pay attention to his mabari. Dorf then looked to Sphaera in excitement, and drew Cullen’s attention to her. Upon seeing the flowers in her hands his eyes widened and he stood, his cheeks instantly reddening.

                “Thank you for the present, Cullen.” Sphaera said with a shy smile. “Did you pick them yourself?”

                “No…er…yes? Right,” Cullen said, rubbing the back of his neck and shooting Dorf a glare. “You see, those weren’t actually mean for you. I picked them to brighten up my room a bit and Dorf must have been confused. I apologise.” Sphaera glanced at Dorf, who let out a short growl and nudged Cullen, but the Commander ignored him.

                “Oh really?” Sphaera said in disbelief, based on the fact that the flowers were all tied together at the stems and Cullen’s face reddened even more as Dorf egged him on. “Did you go outside the cities walls this morning for them?” she asked, her eyebrow quirked just slightly.

                “I wanted some fresh air and I saw them and thought they might look good in my room.” Cullen said, gaining enough courage to meet her eyes for an instant. In all the time she had known him, he never was one for interior decoration of the floral variety. He couldn’t even manage a potted plant.

                “I see.” Sphaera said with a coy smile. “Then perhaps Dorf came to me in search of a vase, so they last longer than a day?” Sphaera suggested. Ewen stood and looked at the scene with folded arms and a grin on his face.

                “Yeah, that must have been why Cullen was pacing with them in the hallway in front of our rooms this morning: Because he couldn’t find a _vase_.” Ewen said dryly, rolling his eyes. “I swear, the both of you.”

                “Yes, actually.” Cullen hissed. “That’s precisely what happened.” He glared daggers at Ewen who only shook his head at him.

                “Well, then.” Sphaera said. “We should find you a vase.”

                “And then he’ll decide that they would fit your room more anyway.” Ewen snorted.

                “You know, I think they would.” Sphaera said, shooting Cullen a playful grin. Cullen looked between the twins, then at Dorf, his betrayer. He sighed heavily in defeat.

                “I didn’t know if it was appropriate…As a thank you. For last night.” He said shuffling on his feet awkwardly. “I had decided against it. _Dorf_ had other plans.” He gave the mabari a stern glare. Dorf, in turn, whined and gave him the puppy eyes, and Cullen gave in with the roll of his eyes, scratching his head.

                “They _are_ pretty.” Sphaera said. “It is unfortunate you had to kill them to bring them to me, but they will be lovely in my room. Thank you, Cullen.” Cullen’s ears were red now.

                “Of course.” Cullen said. Sphaera bit her lip, not knowing what else to say. Silence filled the room. Cullen was looking at his feet. Sphaera looked to the fireplace as if it had conversation starters written on it.

                “Here we have the famed commander of the inquisition, his speeches able to rally the troops into action, and the even more famed Inquisitor, able to talk circles around Empress Celene herself, creating an awkward silence so large and awful it is slowly tearing a hole in the bloody veil.” Ewen snapped. Sphaera shot him a look of disapproval.

                “I should put these in water.” Sphaera said, looking back to Cullen.

                “Right.” Sphaera paused, giving him a chance to continue, but he did not, so she nodded her farewell to him and turned to leave. “Do you have anything I could help with?” he said suddenly, causing her to turn back to him. “I mean, besides cooking, a bit of cleaning…I mean…I’m used to being the knight-captain. I see everything you’re doing, writing letters and such and I… I want to keep myself busy, and take some of this off of you.”

                “I would...I would have to gather my thoughts.” Sphaera said, taken slightly off guard. Of course he had to work. As long as she’d known him he never stopped working. Staying ideal for so long was probably hindering more than helping.

                “That’s fine.” Cullen said, eager. It was a pleasant look on him, his eagerness. It made him look younger.

                “Can we discuss it over breakfast?” Sphaera said.

                “Yes, of course, you need to eat.” Cullen said, as if just remembering. A half-smile flickered over Sphaera’s face.

                “I’ll…I’ll go put these away, then.” Sphaera said, gesturing with the flowers.

                “Yes. Right. I’ll go prepare breakfast.” Cullen said.

                “I’ll be here. With the dog. Training it to steal Cullen’s underthings.” Ewen said.

                “What underthings?” Sphaera countered before she could stop herself. Cullen stiffened, staring at her in shock, as if he had just been caught doing something scandalous. His face became so red it almost turned purple. Sphaera winced. “Sorry.” She said.

                “No. You _would_ know that. Of course you would. You were—are—my…wife. Anyway…I should be off.” he turned and left without another word.

                “So he really doesn’t wear anything under there?” Ewen asked, raising an eyebrow.

                “Like you’re one to judge,” Sphaera said, shooting him a glare. “At least _he_ wears trousers, and not just a tunic that barely covers you.” Ewen locked eyes with his sister and for a moment they glared at each other competitively, both daring the other to say something else. Then Ewen beamed and held up his hand.

                “Look at my sister, getting the scandalous Templar into bed with her!”

Sphaera’s face cracked into a slightly embarrassed smile and she set the flowers down to give Ewen a high-five with a chuckle at his absurdity. She shook her head at him before retrieving her flowers and heading off to find a vase.

                She found an old, slightly cracked one in the storage at the very back. She caught sight of Cullen in the kitchen as she left to fill it with water. He looked tired, but much more at ease. He maneuvered around the kitchen like it was his own, sleeves rolled up. She caught herself paused to watch him and immediately flushed and headed back upstairs.

                She managed to fill the vase with water and get it in her room before heading down the stairs to meet with Cullen.

                “What are you making?” Sphaera asked.

                “Pancakes.” Cullen responded, glancing over his shoulder at her from his place at the counter.

                “They smell good.” She sat down at the table.

                “I haven’t cooked them yet.” Cullen said, sounding half-amused.

                “Right. I knew that. What I meant was, they will probably smell good…When you start making them.” Sphaera fiddled with her ring, watching it twist around her finger. There was silence except for the sound of Cullen at work. She dared not look at him, in case he was looking at her. What would she say to him? What would she do? A soft sizzle broke her from her worries as Cullen put the batter in the pan.

                “I was right.” Sphaera said as the smell of cooking buttery batter filled the room. “It smells delicious.” Cullen turned around to look at her with an amused grin. Then he turned away, just as suddenly, as if catching himself being happy and wanting to hide it.

                “Have you compiled your thoughts?” he asked, suddenly formal.

                “Yes.” Sphaera replied. She got up and started making tea on the part of the stovetop Cullen wasn’t using, working at his side. “It takes me twice as long to write letters now, so your help is actually very welcome.” She looked over at him. He was focused on his pan. She looked back at her kettle, and noting that it would not boil with her staring at it, returned to her seat. She paused. He turned to look at her expectantly. “When we were in the Inquisition together one of your duties, of course working with the other advisors, was to keep me safe. I would like you to take up that job again.” Cullen’s brow furrowed in confusion.

                “Didn’t you say before—“

                “Yes, I did. I should clarify.” She was using her inquisitorial business tone now, and his attention was on her. It made it easier to make eye contact with him without faltering. He had the most beautiful eyes with such a piercing stare. “I don’t want you rushing into a fight to save me. I don’t want you getting hurt again because of me. I suppose what I need is security. You were hurt because someone was able to get to me--to _us_. I don’t want that to happen again.”

                “What do you need me to do?” Cullen asked, eyeing her.

                “I’m not sure. I need you to help me assess this situation.” Cullen’s face eased into a business-like neutrality and he straightened slightly, a cute habit she noticed he had when she was being particularily professional. “It’s complicated. I have a group of people who want to kill me. I know Divine Victoria and Varric are keeping an eye on me, but whatever way they are helping I am not informed about it. I don’t know how much they are able to do. We can hire guards, but we would have to have some way of screening them.”

                “I can do that.” Cullen said officially.

                “Yes, as far as I’ve seen you’re almost too good at it.” Cullen’s jaw tensed. Sphaera looked away in an attempt to show him she would back off. She did not intend to provoke him during this conversation. It appeared some wounds didn’t heal as quickly as she had thought.

                “That isn’t the point, though. The point is I already showed my weakness. When she was faced with adversity, with a threat, the former Inquisitor, the people’s _Herald_ , ran away. Whether I am a Herald or not, I showed weakness.”

                “You were protecting something.” Cullen reminded. “You can hardly be blamed for that.” Sphaera looked at him with a grimness on her face. The familiar nervousness filled her. The one that arose when she knew she had done something to disappoint someone. It was a heavy feeling right in the pit of her stomach, a tingling in her fingers, a tightening in her chest. She kept her composure.

                “They don’t know that.”

                “Well we can tell them.”

                “And then they will have more fuel against me.” Sphaera said. She waved the thought away. “Regardless. I ran. Now I have to try to redeem myself. I need protection, but I need it to be subtle. I need people to think I am unafraid, but I need security.” Cullen nodded in understanding, his brow furrowing as he thought.

                “We could hire guards and pose them as servants.” Cullen said.

                “And how do we choose who gets to live in the house with me?” Sphaera asked.

                “I’ll interview them myself.” Cullen said. Sphaera’s breath caught in her throat with the words that wanted to pour out of her mouth.

                “Cullen…Do you think you’re ready for that right now?” she asked as politely as she could.

                “If you don’t trust me to perform my duties you are free to do them yourself or get someone else to do it.” Cullen said, his tone calm but his annoyance clear on his face. Sphaera took the chance to pour two mugs of tea, thinking. How could she manage this and stay alive while maintaining her image? She returned to her seat, cradling her cup.

                “You’re Dalish.” Cullen interrupted her thoughts. “Do you suppose the alienage might be loyal to you?” Sphaera blinked at him in surprise. She had not expected that suggestion from him.

                “I don’t know. It could be good, it could be mixed. The one in Antiva hated me.” Sphaera said. “But things seem better here. Perhaps they might like me?”

                “It may be worthwhile to check. It wouldn’t be strange to bring in elven servants, and they might be more likely to be loyal to you due to your similar backgrounds.” Cullen said.

                “I don’t…Have much in common with city elves in terms of upbringing.” Sphaera said. “But you’re right. It isn’t often you find an elf in power. They may look up to me. Besides, using elves as guards may be beneficial. People don’t see their potential. I’ll ask Ewen to scope out the alienage. In the meantime, if you could do something about the door I boarded up and talk to the Guard Captain about the guard’s routes, I would like to know when we are at our least guarded, our weakest.”

                “Consider it done.” Cullen said.

                “Good. As you do that I’ll figure out how to better divide my work between us.” Sphaera said.

                “Good. Thank you.” Cullen said.

                There was a long pause between them as Cullen sat down in front of her. She flickered her eyes up to look at him, and when their eyes happened to lock she smiled awkwardly and looked away. Cullen flipped the last pancake onto a large plate and piled a couple onto two plates before setting one in front of Sphaera and sitting down across from her with his own.

                “I feel like… we should talk.” Cullen said.

                “I thought we already were talking.” Sphaera said, letting her eyes fall on him, a furrow in her brow. “I mean, not _right_ now. Clearly.”

                “No…I mean…Should we…talk? About things? About each other?” Cullen stammered out.

                “Alright…what’s your middle name?” she asked brightly.

                “I, that’s not exactly what I…um…Stanton.” Cullen said, giving her a perplexed look. “Yours?”

                “I’m Dalish. We don’t have middle names.” Sphaera said with a shy smile. “Would you like to give me one?” Cullen’s brow furrowed, but the corners of his mouth were twitching upward ever so slightly.

                “How about Lisabeth?” Cullen asked. Sphaera laughed.

                “Ex-Inquisitor Comtesse Sphaera Lisabeth Rutherford-Lavellan. You know before I joined the Inquisition I only had one name.”

                “Rutherford-Lavellan?” Cullen asked with a quirked eyebrow. Sphaera felt her cheeks heat up and she looked at her tea.

                “What’s your favourite colour?” she asked.

                “I don’t know…Blue.” Sphaera’s eyes widened and she looked at Cullen with her mouth hanging open, the corners tipped slightly up.

                “Last time I asked you, you said it was red.” Sphaera said.

                “Well perhaps I changed my mind and forgot about it.” Cullen said, although his smile was too smug.

                “If anything you would have more reason to hate red.” Sphaera said.

                “Alright, I don’t really _have_ a favourite colour.” Cullen admitted. “Do you?”

                “A royal blue. Or an emerald green.” Sphaera said. “I can’t decide. How do you take your tea?”

                “Actually, this is perfect.” Cullen said, examining his beverage. He examined her for a minute. “You keep asking me all these questions that you already know the answers to. Why?”

                Sphaera sipped her tea.

                “Because you don’t remember me asking the first time.” She said, swirling the liquid in her mug. “You don’t know me. The questions someone chooses to ask are just as telling as the answers, sometimes. Besides, it urges you to ask questions back.”

                “So this is…Courting?” Cullen asked. Sphaera nodded.

                “Yes, sorry, it’s a Dalish thing.” Sphaera teased. Cullen shot her a raised eyebrow.

                “Fine.” Cullen said, smiling smugly. “How do you take _your_ tea?”

                “Black. Sweetners were always used sparingly in my clan. They were hard to come by without upsetting bees.” Sphaera replied. Cullen leaned on the table, clearly getting interested. He was watching her closely, examining her as she answered to understand her better.

                “Where is your favourite place in all of Thedas?” Cullen asked. Sphaera paused, going over everywhere she had been.

                “I would like to say the Emerald Graves. What happened there was awful, but it is beautiful, and it is one of the few places I can see what my people used to live like. You?”

                “There is this dock near Honnoleath…I must have taken you there. I somehow remember…” he paused. She held her breath. “I suppose it doesn’t matter.” Sphaera let her breath out slowly, internally scolding herself for getting excited.

                “As long as we don’t go near the Fallowmire, I will be happy.” Sphaera said. Cullen’s brow furrowed in confusion, and he tilted his head to the side.

                “The Fallowmire?” Cullen asked. “I mean, it’s not exactly a palace, but there are worse places, surely.” Sphaera sighed, running her hand through her hair sheepishly.

                “I’m terrified of the undead.” Sphaera admitted, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment. Cullen frowned.

                “Are you not a necromancer?” he asked.

                “I am.” Sphaera said.

                “Isn’t your horse undead?!” Cullen eyed her as if trying to see if she was serious.

                “Binky and I bonded!” Sphaera protested. Cullen shook his head in disbelief and Sphaera started to giggle.

                “What?” Cullen asked, smiling at her laughter.

                “Nothing.” Sphaera said. “This must be so strange for you.” Her smile fell as she said it.

                “It is.” Cullen admitted. “You’ve treated me better than I have you. I have been unfair. You are…” he sighed, looking at his tea. “a very forgiving person, it would seem.”

                “I have a bias,” Sphaera said. “I know what you can be…What you can do. In all honesty, I see where your anger came from. Neither of us were expecting this. Neither of us reacted…completely rationally.” Cullen’s eyebrow flickered in surprise but he smiled a shy smile at her. It was amazing to her that a few weeks ago he could be so intimidating to her. Perhaps she was so used to this side, to the gentle side that was always questioning himself and her, always trying to be better.

                Suddenly Dorf came racing down the stairs, thumping loudly as he went. Sphaera heard soft footsteps, barely audible for those not adapted to hearing them following after. Dorf came barrelling into the room and at Cullen before getting distracted by the food on the table. Ewen strode in behind him and grabbed a pancake from the stack left out, rolling it up and taking a bite of it without asking.

                “I just realised that you two could probably use some instructions.” Ewen said with his mouth full.

                “Instructions?” Cullen said, shoving the mabari off his lap and pointing at the other side of the room demandingly. Dorf sulkily obliged, head bowed. Cullen got up to get the dog food.

                “Yes. You know, things happen when you give birth that might seem a bit scary or concerning or frustrating if you aren’t prepared.” Ewen said. “I would know, I have ushered enough of the clan into this world.”

                “Ewen, perhaps we can have this discussion later.” Sphaera suggested, noticing Cullen’s nervous glare. She took a bite of her breakfast to give her eyes something else to focus on.

                “No, Fi, I’m serious. After you give birth there is so many things that come out of you, for a long time too. I'm talking chunks, Fi.” Ewen said casually, taking another bite of his pancake. Sphaera’s breakfast turned to mush in her mouth and she was barely able to swallow it.

                “ _Later_ , Ewen.” Sphaera said coldly.

                “Yes, It seems as though I have things to get done today, I should go.” Cullen said abruptly. He looked to Sphaera. “If you think of anything else you need, I would be happy to help.” With only a nervous look at Ewen he left.

                “He’s going to have to know eventually.” Ewen said, sitting down in the seat Cullen had been previously seated in, grinning proudly.

                “You are a tyrant.” Sphaera said dryly, glaring at him. Ewen shrugged, putting his feet up on the table.

                “Takes one to know one, asshole.” Ewen said with a beaming grin. Sphaera wrinkled her nose at him, but he only seemed to enjoy it more.


	24. Chapter 23

                As the week went by elven servants started to appear in the house. There were only three of them, but by their wary glances at her she assumed Cullen and Ewen had been very diligent in choosing them. From there, Cullen took on the charge of managing the safety of the household, managing rotations of the servants who acted as well as guards, and strategizing. I was a bit odd to watch him size down from an entire army to a household, but he managed, and it kept him busy.

                One day Cullen found her at her desk, reading over a letter from Divine Victoria. It was a lecture, or as much of a lecture as Leliana could provide. It was the epitome of passive-aggressive. Now that Sphaera had stopped running, she had the emotional capacity to be wrong again, so it seemed. She had gotten a similar letter from Vivienne, though it garnished a bit more support on her side. At least Vivienne was diverting the rumours in her usual expert fashion. She assumed Leliana was too, but her job was already difficult enough as it was.

                “Sphaera?” Cullen said, lightly rapping on the open door before taking a step inside. He was holding a familiar long box.

                “So you’ve decided to return my arm to me, have you?” Sphaera said in disapproval, turning back to her work.

                “Yes,” Cullen said. “I’m sorry it took as long as it did. I tried to have it adjusted as soon as possible but apparently that involved a lot more than I thought. The metalworker had to send it to a leatherworker because the—“ Sphaera turned to look at Cullen with a raised eyebrow and a smirk. “—Right…I’m Rambling. I got it adjusted for you.”

                Sphaera stood and closed the gap between them, opening the box. It still looked exactly the same, but she was glad to have it back.

                “Dagna is going to have a fit over the fact that you let someone else touch it.” Sphaera said.

                “I wasn’t about to send it back across the Waking Sea and leave you without an arm.” Cullen said dryly. “Speaking of which, you should wear something underneath it to prevent chaffing. Like with armour.” He blinked as if just remembering something. “You’re a mage.”

                “And I was the Inquisitor. I had some experience with armour to keep me protected. And I’ve…undone armour before.” Sphaera said, her cheeks heating up. She looked up at him, he was staring at her arm rather intently, a small furrow in his brow like he was lost in thought. It sent a wrenching feeling through her gut. “Will you help me get it on?”

                “Y-yes, of course!” Cullen said, turning red and blinking out of his daze. Sphaera got her prosthetic out of the box and presented it to him. He carefully put it on her and tightened it. It was still heavy, but at least it fit properly now.

                “Much better,” Sphaera said, turning her arm and inspecting it. She looked up at Cullen with a smile. “Thank you.” she said. Cullen gave her a shy smile.

                At that moment, Ewen popped his head in the doorway.

                “Fi, are we going to visit your demon horse or not? I put proper trousers on like you asked and I want to get there now so I can be back quickly and free from this constriction.” Sphaera shot Ewen the stoniest of stares before turning to Cullen.

                “I would like to state for the record that our clan, and many other Dalish clans, do commonly wear trousers and Ewen’s wardrobe in no way reflects my culture.”

                “It’s my culture too!” Ewen said, walking into the room in his pants like a cat with things on its feet. The pants he was wearing weren’t even as constricting, they had a baggy crotch so it looked like his butt was sagging. She had no idea where he got them, they were the most atrocious pair of pants she had ever seen.

                “Yes, but I’m a better representative of it.” Sphaera said.

                “Says the one wearing shemlen clothing!” Ewen countered.

                “Maker’s breath,” Cullen interrupted, before it got ugly.

                “Would you like to come see Binky with us?” Sphaera turned her attention to him at the interruption, her frustration at her brother instantly dissapating. Cullen tried to hide his disconcertion about the animal, but failed.

                “No. Thank you. I have things to do here.” He said cordially.

                “Alright.” Ewen said, grabbing his sister’s arm and dragging her towards the door. “Goodbye, Cullen!” he called as the left. Sphaera pulled her arm out of her brother’s grasp and walked on her own. He matched her pace.

                “Do you think he’ll learn to warm up to the archdemon in horse form?” Ewen asked.

                “He never did before the accident, he won’t now.” Sphaera said.

                “Oh, remind me to pick up herbs for him on the way back.” Ewen said, as if just remembering.

                “You’ve been giving him herbs?” Sphaera asked.

                “Yeah. He hit his head pretty hard, Fi,” Ewen said, as if it were obvious, “he gets pretty bad headaches, he could get dizzy, or nauseous. I wouldn’t recommend him doing anything too physical that could risk bumping his head again. I told him he should be very careful.” Sphaera paused and looked at her brother in disbelief.

                “Ewen, you were swordfighting with him a day or two ago!” Sphaera snapped.

                “Yeah, but I was being careful not to hit his head.” Ewen said. “It’s fine. I’m a healer.”

                “Ewen…” Sphaera sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Ewen noticed it and beamed in a pleased way. “How did anyone let you become a healer?”

                “Fi,” he said, acting incredulous “You were there. The old one died.” Sphaera sighed heavily again and kept moving forward.

***

                “Are you quite sure that thing doesn’t want to eat me alive?”

                “I have no idea what kind of stories you have heard about the undead, but they don’t eat people, generally.” Sphaera said, walking back from the stables with Ewen.

                “Yes, but are you sure your undead horse isn’t trying to murder everyone?” Ewen asked.

                “No. How would I be sure of that?” Sphaera said matter-of-factly. Ewen scrunched up his face in annoyance.

                “Lovely.” He grumbled, scowling and folding his arms. He was halted suddenly by his sister’s abrupt stop.

                Sphaera stared at a man, around fifty years old, standing shakily in full plate armour. She recognised the armour. She had seen the symbol many times, through red crystals, and in Cullen’s office. He was a Templar. It was odd because she was sure the Templar order was disbanded, especially in Kirkwall. Wearing Templar armour would be ill-advised. His eyes showed pain and confusion.

                “The Knight-captain…Or the knight-commander. I need to find them…Where have they gotten to. I told them…I told them the lyrium was running low, and now…Now…” he was mumbling to himself Sphaera stepped closer. Ewen caught her arm, giving her a warning look, but she shrugged him off. “Usually comes through here now…He usually runs inspection, why…?”

                “Excuse me?” Sphaera said, walking up to the man. He seemed not to notice her. He kept rambling. She got a better look at him as she got closer. He looked like he had been in that armour for weeks, maybe months. His eyes were distant, but darted around nonetheless in paranoia. The smell coming off him was horrible, but definitely not the worst smell she had faced.

                “Ewen, go get Cullen. Tell him to meet me at the Guard Captain’s office. Tell him it’s urgent.”

                “Fi, don’t get involved with this.” Ewen warned, giving her a stern glare which she ignored completely.

                “Go get Cullen.” Sphaera ordered, this time more forcefully. Ewen sneered in his annoyance and stormed off. Sphaera turned to the Templar before her.

                “Excuse me,” Sphaera said, approaching the templar even more. “You are looking for the knight-captain? I’ve retrieved him for you, he’s going to meet us in the guard-captain’s office. Will you come with me, ser?” she asked. She was good at feigning unimportance, obedience. It had gotten her out of many sticky situations before the Conclave. It was a lesson she was certain most elves learned quickly when interacting with most humans. Apologetic elves got further.

                “Knight-captain? Yes, yes! Show me to him!” the Templar grumbled. “The state of things today…How did he let it get like this? Chaos! Utter chaos!”

                Sphaera nodded along to what he had to say, guiding him through the streets to the Viscount’s estate. As he grumbled, and got louder, she noticed the eyes of Hightown upon her. She ignored them. She had to focus on getting to the guard-captain safely.

                She walked to match the man’s stumbling steps. He was going at quite a pace despite them. As they walked into the guard section of the palace, they drew much attention. The guards around her seemed to eye her with uncertainty.

                She knocked on Aveline’s door. One of the guards strode over in two steps.

                “That’s the guard captain’s office. Don’t want to be disturbing her with the public. If you have a complaint you can file it this way.” He was surprisingly courteous in his tone, but his eyes watched her with suspicion.

                “Thank you,” Sphaera said. “But I would rather talk with the captain.” He looked ready to protest again so she held out her hand. “Former inquisitor Sphaera Lavellan, they like to refer to me as the Herald of Andraste. Though you are doing your job admirably, I am not a stranger off the streets, I do _actually have_ a level of authority.”

                “Not so far as I’ve heard, with respect, ser.” The guard said, folding his arms. He glared at the Templar, who was examining the room in confusion. Sphaera sighed heavily, adjusting her stance to be more authoritative.

                “Shall I start listing my titles, or perhaps my friends? Including Divine Victoria and your very own Viscount?” Sphaera asked.

                “Let her in.” Aveline’s voice grumbled disapprovingly from inside the office. The guard sucked his teeth in annoyance before stepping aside.

                Sphaera strode in with the Templar.

                “This isn’t the knight-captain.” The Templar said.

                “He’s coming.” Sphaera said softly, closing the door.

                “So,” Aveline’s voice made Sphaera turn from the door. The guard-captain rose from her seat behind her desk and looked steadily at Sphaera “What brings you into my office?” her tone was official, but restrained. Aveline was not pleased at all with Sphaera’s entrance.

                “I found this Templar roaming the streets. He’s clearly experiencing some sort of lyrium withdrawal, the likes of which I have never seen. What are you doing with the Templars after the destruction of the circles?” Sphaera asked.

                “Funny, coming from someone who advocated the complete destruction of these circles.” Aveline said, she looked over the Templar. “It is my job to keep this city running, not yours. I’m dealing with it. That’s all you need to know.” She gave Sphaera a steady glare.

                “I’m a concerned citizen.” Sphaera said. “My husband was a Templar. I have more respect for the order than you might think.” Aveline’s face hardened.

                “My husband was a Templar too. And if you think that I haven’t tried to help them in this city you are wrong. We have a place for them. If they want to leave, like this one, they are free to.”

                “Yes, but this Templar isn’t well—“ Sphaera was cut off by the door swinging open. Cullen stood in the doorway, looking very grim.

                “Knight-captain!” the Templar said. Cullen was visibly shaken and he looked between the Templar, Sphaera, and Aveline. “I have to talk with you, ser. About the state of things.”

                “Hold on.” Cullen said holding up his hand and stepping inside. He gave Sphaera a questioning raised eyebrow as he closed the door behind him. “What’s going on?” Cullen asked the Templar, folding his arms.

                “We are completely out of lyrium, ser.” The Templar said. “If we don’t get a shipment in soon, the other Templars will get desperate, I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you. Even I have had passing thoughts of taking from the mage supply, ser.”

                “Where have you been sleeping?” Cullen asked him.

                “In the barracks, ser.” The Templar responded. Cullen looked him over once. His lips became a grim line.

                “What’s your name? Do you have any family I can contact?” Cullen asked.

                “I…I don’t know, Ser. I can’t seem to remember.” He stayed prostrate before Cullen, but his eyes seemed to get slightly more panicked. Cullen placed a hand on the other man’s shoulder.

                “That’s alright, don’t worry about it.” The Templar looked at Cullen, perplexed. Cullen removed his hand. “The Circles have been disbanded, and with them, the Templar order.” The man’s face fell in confusion and horror. “Since you don’t have family that we know of, we can’t send you back to them. You can go wherever you want.”

                “I…I don’t understand…Ser, I just need lyrium.” The Templar said in distress. Cullen’s brow furrowed and he nodded solemnly.

                “Right. I’ll see what I can do.” Cullen said. “Go wait outside.” The Templar saluted before following Cullen’s orders.

                “We have a shelter for the remaining Templars in the city.” Aveline said. “He probably escaped it. It’s hard to find people experienced enough to take care of them.”

                “He looked like he was experiencing lyrium withdrawal,” Sphaera added. “I figured you might know how to better deal with him.”

                “Clearly I do.” Cullen said in annoyance, looking between them in disapproval. “Perhaps if you gave the Templars some semblance of say in what will happen to them?”

                “He’s not in the right mind to be taking care of himself.” Sphaera argued. Cullen’s face twitched slightly.

                “I wasn’t _suggesting_ he take care of himself. I was suggesting you show him more respect than arguing about where to put him as if he wasn’t standing right next to you!” Cullen growled. Sphaera looked away, her cheeks flushing in shame, so Cullen turned his attention to Aveline.

                “What happened to the Templars after the fall of the circles?” Cullen asked. Aveline straightened slightly. She looked to her papers for a second awkwardly.

                “Forgive me, I forgot your memories are gone.” Aveline said, she looked to Cullen, regaining her composure. “You and I managed to establish separate centres for templars and mages who remained in the city. The mages eventually dispersed, save for a few mages who had been in circles all their lives. The templars proved more difficult. They needed someone with a steady supply of lyrium, so the centres remained full. It’s been getting more expensive to buy lyrium now. The prices have been boosted now that the Chantry isn’t involved.”

                “We need to get a supply. We need to negotiate with someone.” Cullen said.

                “Aren’t you against the use of lyrium?” Sphaera asked. Cullen looked at her seriously.

                “That is a choice for them to make on their own. From what little I recall, it requires a lot of strength. We can give them the option, but we can’t force the decision on them. That’s not right.” Cullen said. “Besides, that man out there is dying anyway. Let him have his relief.”

                “How do you know he’s dying?” Sphaera asked. Cullen folded his arms.

                “He can’t even remember his own name. It’s a sign of the lyrium taking its toll. It happens to all the older templars.” Cullen said calmly, as if it were a casual occurrence.

                Sphaera froze, a sudden unexplainable fear taking hold of her. When Cullen had broken down all those years ago, when he had asked her if he should be taking lyrium, she had based her answer off of Cassandra’s suggestion. She had not known that his plea, his broken “ _I should be taking it”_ was asking for a death sentence. She knew quitting lyrium was dangerous, Casandra had told her that much, but she had not heard him speak a word of the long term effects of lyrium itself. In that instant, she could have ordered him to a slow death by loss of mind, and he would have done it. He would have accepted it without question. How could he leave that decision up to her? How could he trust her with his life in her hands like that? It could have been him, forgetting his own name, forgetting his family, everything but lyrium. It could have been him, filthy in the streets, searching for someone who was dead or gone. It could have been him, alone, nowhere to go, not because there is no-one out there who loves him but because he cannot tell anyone who he is to identify him. Just lost, fading away to time. It could have been him.

                “Sphaera.” Cullen’s voice cut her out of her thoughts. She looked between Aveline and Cullen, both giving her questioning looks. She looked down and realised her prosthetic hand was clutching the chair so hard it was cracking under it.

                “I apologise.” Sphaera said, pulling her hand away and taking a step back.

                “Perhaps you should go home.” Cullen suggested, rather sternly.

                “I’m fine,” Sphaera lied, her heart still beating loudly in her chest. “What were we discussing?” Cullen pursed his lips slightly.

                “We’ll work this out later.” He said to Aveline. “I will return the Templar and the former inquisitor to some semblance of safety.” He said.

                “Please do.” Aveline said, giving Sphaera a stern glare. Sphaera straightened herself and turned and strode out of the room. She heard Cullen discussing with the Templar where he would go behind her. They talked of his plans to get him lyrium, and questioned him as best he could about the place he was staying.

                Once they dropped the Templar off Cullen found his way to Sphaera’s side.

                “You could have handled all of that better.”

                “That’s why I got you. I didn’t know what to do.” Sphaera countered. Cullen sighed.

                “You almost snapped a chair in two.” Cullen said.

                “You never told me that lyrium does that to someone. That it takes their mind like that.” Sphaera said.

                “And?”

                 “I could have done that to you. You asked me to decide on whether you should take lyrium and you never told me…It doesn’t matter now, I suppose. You don’t remember.” Sphaera fell silent, crossing her arms across her chest to try to protect herself from the chill of the afternoon, autumn air and using some fire magic to heat herself up a bit.

                Cullen took off his jacket and set it over her shoulders.

                “Do you see me in every Templar?” he asked. Sphaera looked at her feet.

                “Only the fallen ones.” She looked at him and he had a disturbed look on his face, as if he was eating something he wasn’t sure whether he liked or not. “I see how badly they all hurt and I remember that if things were just a bit different, I could have lost you. I could have never met you. The first time I killed a red Templar…” she cut herself off. “Nevermind. That isn’t important.” They were silent for the rest of their walk.


	25. Chapter 24

                Sphaera walked into the living room. She could see Cullen’s shape flickering as a shadow on the wall, projected by the warm and cozy fire he had built.

                “Cullen.” She called out. She saw his hand grip the arm of the chair. It was flickered with red crystals, growing out of the skin. Sphaera felt her heart leap. She heard the scrapping of a sword on the stone floor as he stood. She stepped back, but ran into the edge of the doorway. She braced herself against it.

                He slowly turned, walking towards her slowly, his breaths heavy, slow, laboured. Half his face was overtaken by crystals, but she could still tell it was him.

                “You should be taking it with me.” He said, his voice having an echo behind it that sent chills down her spine.

                “Cullen, no. I can’t.” she said.

                “Come with me.” He said. He held out his hand. She shook her head, raising her prosthetic and letting it dance with fire.

                “I know you. You don’t want this, Cullen.” She said. “You wouldn’t want this” his eyes, glowing red, squinted into a glare.

                “You don’t know me at all.” He growled, and then thrust his sword in her sternum with a howl.

                Sphaera let out a scream as she looked down at herself and flame spouted from the sword in her, like blood pouring out of her, turning the metal red hot and searing her. She screamed in agony, wrestling to get away.

                “Fi!” Sphaera first heard the voice, then saw the face of her brother, shaking her. “Fi, wake up!” Sphaera jolted upwards, eyes wide, searching the dark room for answers. It was night. She was in her room, safe. There was one of the elven servants in her room, holding a dagger and examining the room for any sign of threat. Ewen was at her side, holding her arm.

                “It’s alright, Fi. It’s alright. I’m here.” Ewen crawled onto the bed and wrapped an arm around his sister. Sphaera still felt a pain in her chest, right where Cullen had stabbed her in the dream.

                “It…It burns.” Sphaera said in shock, placing a hand over her heart. Ewen looked over her, then at the servant.

                “We’re good. I’ve got it handled.” He said. The servant nodded and bowed before leaving. Ewen watched him go. At that moment, Cullen burst into the room.

                “I heard screaming.” Cullen said, his voice breathless. “I heard my name being called. What’s going on?” he was holding a candle, lighting up the room slightly more than the moonlight streaming through the cracks in her curtains.

                “Fi, mind giving us some light?” Ewen asked gently. Sphaera waved her hand, ignoring the increase in pain as she called forth her magic and lit the fireplace in her room. The room was suddenly alive with light, shadows dancing all around them.

                “Are you alright?” Cullen asked, stepping inside the room, gripping his sword tightly still. Dorf was following closely behind him, looking very alert, his ears raised and his nose sniffing the room.

                “We’re about to check.” Ewen said. “Fi, can you show me where it burns?” he asked.

                Sphaera started to unbutton her nightgown and Cullen cleared his throat and averted his gaze. She showed Ewen the spot in the centre of her chestwhere the burning sensation was coming from. Ewen looked over the skin, which was spotless, before placing his ear to her chest, listening for a moment.

                “Heart’s a little fast, but that’s reasonable. Doesn’t sound like there is any delays, so it probably isn’t damaged.” He sat up and looked at her. “It burns, inside?” she nodded. “Like when you used to practice fire magic?” he asked. She shook her head. Ewen’s brow fell in mild annoyance in realization. “Fi, you’re in your late thirties, how have you never experienced heartburn?”

                “What? I, I have I just…I wasn’t thinking straight. I don’t get it often…” Sphaera stammered out, doing up her nightgown. Ewen pressed his forehead against hers, reminding her of when they were younger and they would soothe one another.

                “You scared the everloving shit out of me.” Ewen said.

                “Sorry.”

                “Will someone explain what is going on?” Cullen asked. Ewen pulled away from his sister.

                “Sphaera has heartburn, probably because she’s pregnant, and she had a nightmare.” Ewen said. Cullen seemed to visibly relax.

                “Did I really call out your name?” Sphaera asked sheepishly.

                “You did.” Cullen shuffled awkwardly. “But that doesn’t matter. As long as you aren’t in danger, you should rest.” He paused, looking her over in concern. “Do you need someone to stay with you tonight?” Sphaera felt her cheeks heat up. She looked at her hand.

                “I would appreciate it.” She admitted. Ewen placed a hand on her back and rubbed it gently.

                “I’ll stay here then, like when we were children. If you get any sicker you’ll have a healer right at your side.” Sphaera looked to Ewen and smiled weakly.

                “Thank you.” Ewen ignored her thanks and kissed her cheek.

                “I’m going to make you some tea to settle that heartburn first, alright?” he got up from her bed and left the room, brushing past Cullen on his way out. Dorf padded over to Sphaera and laid his head on the bed, whining. Sphaera scratched his ears to reassure him she was alright.

                “I…” Cullen shifted uneasily “I hope I haven’t given you cause to fear me.” Cullen said.

                “No.” Sphaera said. “That isn’t an issue.” Cullen paused, breath hitching in his throat as he thought of how to word his next question.

                “Is there an issue, then?” he asked. Sphaera looked him over. She patted the side of her bed. He hesitantly came over and took a seat at her side. Dorf laid his head on Cullen’s lap.

                “When I was fighting for the Inquisition, I came across a lot of red lyrium. Do you…Do you remember what that is?”

                “I remember what it did to Kirkwall, yes.” Cullen said grimly.

                “Well, Corypheus used it against us. One of my first encounters with it I was thrown forward in time to a future where we had lost, and my allies, friends, were thrown in jail cells and slowly turned into red lyrium harvesting machines. Even after I returned to my own time, I fought so many Templars so infected with it they became more lyrium than person…monsters. They have always haunted me.” His brow furrowed and she started to play with her ring.

                “Is that what you were dreaming about?”

                “Yes.” She watched him connect the dots in his head. She had been calling out his name. She was dreaming of red Templars. He nodded his understanding.

                “It won’t happen. I can promise you that.”

                “I know,” she said “I think the events of today just shook me.” Cullen looked her over. He gently took her hand in his own, rubbing it gently with his thumb. Sphaera smiled at the gesture. She was about to lean in to put her head on his shoulder when Ewen came into the room with a mugful of tea. Cullen suddenly pulled away from Sphaera and stood.

                “Sleep well.” Cullen said formally. He headed for the door. “Dorf, come.” He called over his shoulder and Dorf gave Sphaera one last nudge before padding off after Cullen.

                Ewen handed Sphaera her tea.

                “That should help.” He said softly. Sphaera blew on it gently.

                “You know he was offering to stay by my side tonight.” Sphaera said calmly.

                “I know.” Ewen said, actually sounding a little guilty. “But I got here first.”

                “So we’re playing finders keepers with me, are we?” Sphaera asked dryly before sipping her tea. It was still hot, but she was too tired to care.

                “No,” Ewen said. “It means he was actually asleep. More asleep than I was. How often do you think he gets into a sleep that deep? Besides, I’m a healer, and you’re sick. What if that heartburn turns into morning sickness? Do you really want him to see you vomiting all over yourself?” Sphaera paused.

                “You’re a fairly decent brother, you know that?”

                “I’m a fairly great brother and you know it.” Ewen countered, hugging his sister. “Now drink your fucking tea so we can get to sleep again.” Sphaera blew on her tea, thinking to herself. She wanted to talk to Ewen, mostly to calm herself down enough to fall back asleep.

                “Cole told me you got delayed on the way to find Cullen.” Sphaera said calmly as she brought her tea to her lips.

                “Cole? Oh. Yes. _That_ fucker.” Ewen growled, parting from Sphaera.

                “Be nice.” Sphaera warned. She had a strong affection towards Cole, almost from the very beginning, and she would not let her brother of all people back-talk him.

                “He tried to stop me, but of course I’m on a mission, so he tricked me into thinking someone was hurt and I ended up in a week-long hold by a sylvan that spoke in rhymes. _I_ started speaking in rhymes. We sat there for a week _rhyming_ at each other.” Ewen said, his voice raising in aggravation. “The good news is, I _have_ figured out some medicinal properties of sylvan bark. We also had some rather intense debates about the legitimacy of slanted rhymes.”

                Sphaera turned her head slowly from her tea and squinted at him in confusion. Ewen seemed confused as well for a second before he appeared to catch on, straightening his back a bit.

                “Slanted rhymes are—“

                “I know what slanted rhymes are.” Sphaera lied. In truth, she didn’t know or care, but she didn’t want to deal with the backlash of telling her already angry brother that she didn’t care. “I was wondering how _you_ know what slanted rhymes are.”

                “Had sex with a bard once,” Ewen stated with a shrug. “Also, I _read_.” He said, sticking his tongue out. Sphaera glared at him. Ewen nudged her with his elbow, gently enough she did not spill her tea, and she nudged him back. Sphaera’s glare turned into a grin. If nothing else, it was good to have him back at her side. She knew she had missed him while she worked at Skyhold, but she never remembered how much she had missed him, with all his annoyances, until she was back in his company.

                “So how have you been?” she asked Ewen. “In all this chaos I have never asked you how you’re managing so far from the clan, from your own husband. Are you alright?” she asked. Ewen’s grin softened to a wistful look.

                “I send letters, just like I sent letters to you when you were away. I mean, the ones to Padric are dirty, so not _exactly_ like the ones I sent you.” Ewen said with a shrug.

                “I thought you said he can’t read.” Sphaera said, sipping her tea matter-of-factly.

                “He can’t. Not very well, at least.” Ewen said.

                “Then how can he read your letters?”

                “He doesn’t. He gets someone to read them to him. And write ones back.”

                “Then somebody else would be reading your smutty letters to him outloud?” Sphaera asked. Ewen looked at her with a sly grin and she groaned at him.

                “No, but honestly,” Ewen said. “I miss him a lot, but you need me. He understands that.” Sphaera looked over at her brother, her brow furrowing and tears welling up in her eyes that she blinked away. She was getting more emotional. She would have to watch herself carefully as this pregnancy progressed.

                “He’s a good one, your husband.” Sphaera said, in an effort to mask her emotion. “I haven’t spoken to him much, but I already like him better than you.” She teased. Ewen smiled, and she saw a brightness in his eyes.

                “Everyone does,” Ewen said “It’s well deserved, he’s pretty amazing. He’s too good for me. I think he’s only in it for the hardcore, tree-slamming sex.” Sphaera was taking a sip of tea when he said this and she almost snorted it out her nose. Coughing to right herself, she shot a side-longed glare at her brother for his horrible timing.

                “I think he’s too heartfelt to be in it just for the sex.” Sphaera said. “But thank you for the visual.” Ewen grinned proudly.

                “No problem. Anytime.” Ewen said. “Of course, if you want me to go into more detail—“

                “Not unless you want to sleep in the street tonight.” Sphaera said. Ewen chuckled.

                The twins fell into silence as Sphaera sipped her tea. She realised as she reached the bottom that her heartburn was indeed fading, and the lack of pain allowed her to focus on how tired she was. She put her teacup up and settled under the covers. Ewen settled as well, throwing an arm over her lazily. It was more of a comfort than he could have known. It reminded her of when they were children, in camp. He was there for every one of her nightmares and vice versa. She was glad to have him back. She quickly fell back asleep in the comfort of her brother keeping her safe, even if it was mostly from her own fears.

                She awoke to thoughts of Josephine. She had no idea where it came from, but she blamed a dream she had forgotten. She sat up in bed, running a hand through her hair. Why would she dream about Josephine? Why after such a nasty dream about Cullen? She thought it was over, she thought she would be done being so torn over Josephine or Cullen. Perhaps those sort of emotions were the kind that didn’t go away so easily. Perhaps her walks through the fade at night were trying to tell her something about herself. She was getting along with Cullen so well now too, and of course she loved him with everything in her, but the question of where she would be if she had chosen differently still seemed to be bothering her. Perhaps it was just because she couldn’t be with him like she was used to. She missed holding Cullen when things got bad. She missed romantic affections. She could go to a ball every day and still feel more comfortable here than at Josephine’s. Cullen could be less kind than he had been recently and she would still feel only the agitation towards him. Even though Josephine was one of her dearest friends, she would always be a guest in her house, was always a guest in her office. It was a strange thing to think about, based on how things could have gone.

                Ewen rose his head from his place beside her, groaning slightly and rubbing his eyes. She slowly turned her face to him. His brow furrowed in concern.

                “You’re making that face you make when you’re sad.” He said.

                “Frowning?” she asked dryly.

                “Something like that.” It was no use hiding things like that from him. They knew each other too well.

                “I’m thinking about things.” Sphaera responded non-chalantly.

                Ewen sat up on her bed and thought for a moment. He seemed to get an idea because he stood and started rooting through her things. Sphaera sighed and rolled her eyes in agitation, but Ewen ignored her. She sat on the edge of her bed as he produced an article of clothing from a trunk and left the room without uttering a word to his sister.

                Sphaera was left wondering what he was going to do. She prayed it did not involve cutting up her already small amount of wearable clothes.

                Within a few minutes, Ewen returned, wearing her wedding dress, which was much too small for him in most parts, and sagged in others as she was much curvier and shorter than her brother. Sphaera stood from her bed in shock and a little bit of horror.

                “Ewen!”

                “Twins clothes swap!” Ewen declared, tossing her his own clothes, wrapped in a ball. Sphaera just barely managed to catch them. She stared at him with wide eyes, then the ball of clothes in her hand.

                “Ewen!” she protested again, but this time trying to prevent a smile.  “I will destroy this if I try to put it on.” She warned, chuckling in spite of herself.

                “Well, it already worked anyway.” Ewen said. “You smiled.” He sat down on the bed beside her and nudged her with his elbow. She gave him a small smile.

                “I was thinking about Josephine.” She explained. Ewen raised an eyebrow at her, intrigued and confused. “It wasn’t until after the fall of Haven that I started seeing Cullen as…something more. Before then I had my eye on Josephine.” Ewen’s shoulders fell in astonishment his eyes serious, which was very rarely a good sign.

                “So you ran off to see her as soon as you and Cullen have a falling out. I can see where this is going, Fi.” He said in a low warning tone.

                “I did like her. But there was nothing stopping me from pursuing her then.” Sphaera said. “So why didn’t I?”

                “I don’t know. Why did you start flirting with Cullen?” Ewen asked, folding his arms and looking her over like he looked over a patient. She hated when he did that.

                “He was down in the mud with the soldiers, sorting out how to get things running again. He blamed himself for Haven, for not saving enough people. I blamed myself. He was the one who carried me through the snowstorm. He was worried about me. I guess it was then I really saw his personality past commanding. He’s a good man.” Sphaera said. She looked to her brother, who seemed unimpressed.

                “So he had a pretty face?” Ewen asked dryly.

                “No! I mean, he does, but…” Sphaera sighed. “I don’t think I left Josephine’s house because I was afraid of being chased, or I didn’t like Antiva, or she was engaged.” When Sphaera didn’t elaborate her brother threw his hands up in the air in frustration.

                “Then why the fuck did you go?!” he sighed in irritation. She hardly blamed him, she was frustrated by her feelings too.

                “The same reason I chose Cullen over her, I think.” Sphaera said, fiddling with her ring. “She will only be happy when she’s playing The Game, in high society, making the nobles do what she wants. She loves it all, it’s integral to her life as magic is to mine. But nobility exhausts me. It’s a constant battle and they all hate me for my ears…” Sphaera sighed. “Cullen is just as exhausted with nobility as I am. He wanted a life separate from all that, be it commanding or working a farm somewhere. Eventually Josephine and I would crash and burn, because I wouldn’t dare tear her away from the life she loves, but I would be miserable in it.”

                “So you went with Cullen because he’s safe?” Ewen asked, crinkling his nose in disappointment at her.

                “I don’t know. But I know I always feel like I must keep a show going in her house, but around him I can…I can be angry, and upset. I can’t do that in front of many people. Were he anyone else this all would have gone completely different. But I trust him enough to get angry at him.”

                Ewen gave Sphaera a sad little smirk and kissed the top of her head.

                “He’s less of an ass recently. I mean, he’s always a dumb shem asshole, but he’s not a complete twat.” Ewen noted. Sphaera let out a chuckle.

                “Be nice.” She said. She got out of bed and wrapped her house robe around her to keep out the chill outside of the blankets. Ewen climbed out of bed as well, stretching like a cat.

Sphaera started her way downstairs when a mabari came bounding in the front door, followed by Cullen, nose red from the chill. Dorf ran up to greet her, tongue lolling out the side of his mouth excitably. Sphaera smiled and scratched behind his ears.

“Good morning.” Cullen said, shaking off the surprise he had of walking in just as she passed the front door. He looked past Sphaera and nodded a greeting.

“’Morning.” Ewen said behind Sphaera, before she could get it out of her mouth.

“Did you sleep well…After…well, you know.” Cullen said, adjusting a package in his arms.

“I did.” Sphaera said, smiling shyly. He looked genuinely concerned about her. “I’m sorry for disturbing you last night.”

                “You didn’t…” Cullen seemed to realise he was about to blatantly lie to her and mended his speech a little “It was no problem. I’m glad you’re feeling better.”

                “I am, indeed.” Sphaera said, much too cheerily for having just gotten up. She looked to the package in his arms, trying to ascertain what it was. Cullen noticed her obvious curiosity and flushed.

                “I saw a chess set for sale and I figured it might be something we can do. When we have time, of course.” He said.

                “I would love to.” Sphaera said. “But be careful playing Ewen. He cheats.” She said.

                “I don’t cheat.” Ewen corrected. “I play by my own home rules.”

                “Of slipping pieces back on the board when your opponent isn’t paying attention?” Sphaera asked. Ewen snorted flippantly and brushed past her to head to the kitchen. Sphaera looked to Cullen and found he was smiling at her. She felt her cheeks heat up at the attention and averted her gaze, smiling back coyly.

                “Breakfast?” she asked him.

                “That sounds good.” Cullen said.


	26. chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should put a warning here. I've updated the tags on this fic to accommodate this very chapter, so I'd give them a once over if you have any concerns.

                 Cullen took out one of her pawns with his own. She examined the board, taking in his movements, knowing she had the advantage of knowing how he played.

                “Your brother gave me a lecture on the…ahem…more _medical_ side of your pregnancy.” Cullen mentioned. She looked up from their game at him.

                “Yes, I got something similar.” She said, finally moving her piece. Cullen’s eyes narrowed at the movement. It put him in a tricky position. She could see the wheels turning in his head. She loved stumping him. She always felt a weird sort of pride at it, like a guilty pleasure. Not to mention he was rather dashing with a concentrated look in his eyes. Cullen’s eyes made the decision before he did, and despite his time spent looking over the board over and over, he took out her piece with the conviction of a commander. His serious gaze turned on her, catching her off-guard with its intensity.

                “Are you sure you are prepared to go through with it all?” he asked. His eyebrows tilted slightly in concern. “Ewen said there are ways he could help you if you don’t want to.”

                “I know.” Sphaera said calmly, looking at the board so she wouldn’t have to look at him, at his intense gaze. “To tell you the truth I’ve thought about it a lot. Before your accident I was so sure of myself nothing could have deterred me from it, but…well…” Sphaera sighed softly. She met Cullen’s gaze once more. “But I’ve come to the same conclusion. In spite of everything. I haven’t had much time to settle, and I think this is as close as I will ever get. So I’ll take it, and I’ll make the best of it.” She said.

                “I will do what I can to help.” Cullen said seriously. Sphaera smiled gratefully at him before moving her piece.

                “As will I. You know that right?” she looked at him seriously. He met her gaze equally serious. “I know this is completely new for you. I will match your pace. If we never reach the place we were before then that’s alright. I’m happy to be talking with you again.”

                “I…Thank you.” Cullen said, rubbing the back of his neck. “Though I don’t think that will be a problem. I…enjoy spending time with you.” Sphaera smiled shyly. She gestured back to their game.

                “Checkmate.” She said softly. Cullen looked at the game in surprise, and then an impressed smirk played across his face.

                “So it is.” He said. “We should play again sometime.”

                “I would like that.” Sphaera said, rising, a blush on her cheeks. Cullen rose too and Sphaera reached for the glass of water she had at her side as they played. In her flustered state of awkward romancing she failed at properly controlling her prosthetic and knocked it off the table. It fell to the ground with a shatter.

                “Oh creators, I’m sorry.” Sphaera said, kneeling down to pick it up. Cullen didn’t respond. She expected at least _something_ out of him. She paused and looked up at him. He had a furrow in his brow and his face and ears had gone completely red. He seemed to realise he was being stared at because he snapped out of his thoughts and turned to her as if coming out of a dream.

                “Are you alright?” Sphaera asked in concern. Cullen’s mouth gaped slightly. He turned even redder, if it were possible, and knelt down, busying himself with helping her clean up the glass.

                “I’m fine.” Cullen said, a bit too shortly.

                “You’re flushed.” Sphaera pried. She was worried she may have hurt him in some way.

                “I just remembered something.” Cullen said, avoiding eye contact with her. Sphaera started to help him clean up, mostly to get it done faster. He seemed greatly upset by the memory, and she didn’t want to push him. There had to be so many bad memories that could be triggered by shattering glass.

                “I’m sorry. You don’t have to help me,” Sphaera said, a bit too quickly. “If you want to sit down and take a break or get some tea or something. I know remembering things can be hard on you and I don’t need you to push yourself—“ Cullen seemed to catch on to her anxieties here.

                “It wasn’t a bad memory.” He said. Sphaera’s hand halted and she looked at him, her curiosity getting the better of her. He glanced at her and sighed. “You were leaning on my desk and you knocked a bottle over. It shattered on the ground. So, as an act of goodwill I suppose, I shoved everything off my desk and then we…” he cleared his throat awkwardly. He was looking anywhere but at her, like a berated recruit.

                Sphaera felt a smile creep across her face as she recalled the memory quite clearly. It was the first time he had made love to her. She clasped her hand to her mouth to hide her smile, but it did not hide her childish giggles. Here she was, thinking he had relived some traumatic event associated with the war they faced, or the restoration of Kirkwall, and he was really just remembering something erotic he had done with someone he only vaguely knew now.

                Cullen looked over at her sheepishly, seeming slightly less guilty now that she was laughing but there was no doubt he felt awkward about it, and she didn’t blame him for it.

                “I’m sorry, that must be aw-awful.” Sphaera said, trying desperately to control her laughter.

                “Not too awful.” Cullen said, looking away. Sphaera’s laughter died off immediately as she stared at him wide-eyed, her cheeks feeling suddenly like she was standing next to a very hot fire.

                “Careful,” she said, picking up broken glass again. “one might think you have a crush, Cullen.” She teased in order to hide her own racing heart.

                “Perhaps I do.” Cullen said, so quietly Sphaera almost didn’t hear it.

                “Well, you two look like you’re whispering dirty things to each other.” Sphaera looked to the sound of her brother’s voice and turned to see he was standing in the doorway with Dorf. He had his things slung on his back. He looked to the broken glass that was now accumulated into a pile on the floor, as best as they could, though they would have to take a broom to it.

                Sphaera stood, turning fully to her brother. She ignored his words, instead looking at his travel pack.

                “Where are you going?” she asked. Ewen looked at her with a sad smile.

                “You two seem like you can stand each other’s presence again.” Ewen said, looking to Cullen. Cullen had a look of surprise on his face. “I have to get back to the clan. They’ve been months without a healer now. And I miss my husband. I have to go home, Fi.” Sphaera felt her heart fall.

                “You’ve been so helpful, with all of the symptoms I’ve been having with my pregnancy.” She said. Ewen let out a sad little chuckle and shook his head, running a hand through his hair awkwardly.

                “This isn’t because you weren’t grateful enough, Fi. I can’t be away from the clan for seven months.” He shuffled awkwardly on his feet. She knew he was terrible with goodbyes. He did the same when she left for the Conclave all those years ago. Then she didn’t come back. She felt a pang of sympathy for him.

                “Then I suppose I’ll see you out?” Sphaera said. She wasn’t surprised he was leaving so suddenly, with little warning. He probably wanted to save his awkwardness for the few minutes of parting. He never liked to dwell on negative emotions. He let them out swiftly and then liked to be rid of them all together.

                “Yeah, hold on.” Ewen said. He walked over to Cullen and held out his hand. “I know we don’t agree most of the time, but I don’t think you’re half bad. I even might like you quite a bit.” Ewen said. Cullen raised an eyebrow at him, but shook Ewen’s hand with a small, hint of a smile.

                “You have your merits as well.” Cullen said. Suddenly, Ewen pulled himself in and hugged Cullen tight so his face was blocked from Sphaera’s view. Cullen stiffened, but he slowly relaxed, his face growing grave. When Ewen pulled away he looked into Cullen’s face and Cullen gave him a short, affirmative nod. Ewen nodded as well, as if pleased with this response before parting from Cullen completely.

                “Goodbye, Cullen.” Ewen said.

                “Safe travels.” Cullen said seriously. Without another word, Ewen turned and headed for the door, grabbing her arm on the way out.

                “So his concussion could cause some problems for some time, but give him my standard pain relief tea and it should help some.” Ewen said. “Take care of him this time. You won’t be able to find another in Antiva if you break this one. You and I both know there will only be one shemlen for you. At least for a while.”

                “Perhaps try using his name?” Sphaera sighed. Ewen gave her his signature, dimpled half-smirk and the shrug of one shoulder.

                “Maybe when I have a little nephew or niece to worry about offending.” He said. He leaned down to Sphaera’s belly and set a hand on it. “I know usually you don’t do this, but would you mind growing a point on those ears? Just a little one. It would mean the world to your uncle Ewen.”

                Sphaera stepped away from her brother defensively and put a hand on her stomach, glaring daggers at him. He looked at her seriously through his bangs.

                “I just want to bring them back to the clan. Show mother and father. They would be so proud of you if they saw…Maybe you could come back once in a while if the baby looked more like us.” He said, his brow furrowing. Sphaera’s eyes fell to the ground.

                “I’ll do what I can, Ewen.” She sighed. “I want you to be able to see them too.”

                “Hey.” Ewen said softly, putting an arm on her shoulder. She looked up at his face. “I’ll find my ravens. We’ll figure it out.” Sphaera nodded softly, managing a soft smile for him. “Now if everything is alright there, I really should go, Fi.” Ewen said, stepping away from her. “I’ve been asking around and I found a mostly competent healer. He isn’t me, but he’s pretty good. I left his name on your pillow so you won’t lose it.”

                “Right.” Sphaera said. It was abrupt, but Sphaera knew her time with her brother would be short-lived. He was the clan’s only healer, and he had a life back there that she could no longer be a part of. “I’ll keep sending letters, then?” she asked.

                “Yes. Do that. I’ll keep sending some back.” Ewen said with a grin as if he had said something humorous. He gave his sister a hug. She wrapped her arm around him as tightly as she could, being more careful with her prosthetic.

                “You’ll say hello to Padric for me?”

                “Oh he will get a hello big enough for both us.” Ewen said suggestively. She ignored the implications of that statement.

                “Ar lath ma.” She said softly, seriously, a heavy feeling in her heart at him leaving but glad that he was heading back to someone who would make him happy.

                “Don’t get sappy on me now,” Ewen said, “stay strong, Fi. You’re doing good.” He pulled away from her and ruffled her hair. She rolled her eyes at him and smoothed her hair back down.

                He stuck his tongue out at her and headed for the door. She followed him, opening the door and holding it open for him.

                “I think Cullen may have gotten a better goodbye than me, but I guess I’ll take what I can get.” Sphaera teased.

“You make it seem like I hate him. I don’t, you know. I think it’s pretty impressive that he can spend this much time with you and not be annoyed out of his mind.”

                “Right. Time for you to go.” Sphaera said dryly. Ewen chuckled.

                 He paused, only a step out the door and turned to Sphaera. He pressed his lips together and she could see tears in his eyes.

                “Dareth shi—“ he let out a choked noise of pain mid-sentence. Sphaera’s eyes widened and she held out her hand to him, as if to steady or calm a wild animal.

                Ewen’s eyes were wide and he fell forwards into her. She was shorter than him, so all she could do was guide his fall to the floor gently. She ended up sitting on the ground with Ewen in her lap. There was an arrow in his back, perfectly embedded in his heart.

                Like a sudden, swift blow, all the wind was knocked from her and a weight placed itself on her chest that made it hard for her to catch her breath again. It didn’t seem real, like a nightmare she couldn’t wake up from. It had to be a dream. The world muted and she couldn’t think. She could not tear her eyes from her brother, limp in her lap. She hadn’t realised she had been calling out for him until Cullen ran to the doorway from the side of the house. He stopped for only a moment to glance at the twins, and then out into the city. Then he sprang into action as the servants started to appear at the noise.

                “Find out what happened. Secure the perimeter” It was a barked command with no explanation, but the servants rushed about anyway. Cullen grabbed Ewen by the armpits and hauled him inside far enough to shut the door. Sphaera scooted backwards to be at her brother’s side.

                Sphaera managed to gain enough of her senses to turn Ewen around and take his pulse. His eyes were wide open, lifeless. His heart was not beating.

                “You’re alright…Don’t worry, Ewen, you’re fine.” She said softly to him. She yanked the arrow out of him with a grunt and started pushing on his chest, trying to get his heart beating again despite the hole in it. She even let lose a small bolt of electric magic to help. A smell of burnt flesh and clothing filled the air. All to no prevail. Of course it didn’t work. He had a hole in his chest. She was covered in his blood now. A pool of his blood was forming under him. That wasn’t right, was it? He couldn’t lose that much blood. She took slow, deliberate breaths, tried to calm her nerves, to concentrate. She closed her eyes, feeling the veil, and the fade, finding a spirit. Was it him? Could it be him? She pulled it closer, trying to see it, to feel the part of her that had been severed within it.

                 Something caught her wrist and her eyes blinked open. Cullen was looking at her with a mixture of sternness and sympathy. The purple glow from her hand illuminated them both.

                 “Don’t.” Cullen said.

                 “Why?” Sphaera wanted to snap the word, yell it at him, scream at his insolence, but it came out as a hoarse whisper.

                 “It won’t be him.” He said softer.

                 “It might be, if I do it right.” She argued.

                 “It will only prolong the inevitable. It is his time.” Cullen said, watching her carefully. She wrenched her wrist from his hand, holding it to her chest. The magic faded from her hand slowly as she let the spirit go. Ewen would not want to come back. He wouldn’t like the implications of it.

                  She looked at Ewen’s face. He was always the prettier one. She had always been certain she would be the first of them to go. She had to be. She traced the Dirthamen vallaslin on his face with her thumb, then pressed her forehead against his, matching her Falon’din vallaslin to his. Dirthamen and Falon’din. The twins. When Falon’din left to guide the dead to the afterlife, Dirthamen followed by finding and besting two ravens. Sphaera always thought she would be the first to go. It was the way it was supposed to be.

                  “Ir abelas.” She said softly. Her mind still fought to come to terms with the idea that her best friend was gone. “Ir abelas.” She repeated, getting more frantic, more broken each time “Ir abelas. Ir abelas.” Her words were coming out through choked sobs now. She kept repeating the words in the hopes that they would eventually work, that she would feel like he could ever forgive her.

                 If he had been with the clan he would have been safe. If he hadn’t been busy trying to help her, trying to repair her relationship with Cullen, if he had stayed with Padric, he would have been safe. She had told him to stay with the clan. She had yelled at him for following her. He should have listened. She should have known he wouldn’t. She should have known this would happen.

                 Sphaera held Ewen’s body close, repeating the words ‘ir abelas’ like a mantra. She was sorry. He probably couldn’t hear her anyway. She knew the words were for her own sake, but she was stuck repeating them over and over as if it could fix it.  

                She felt something fall across her shoulders and Sphaera’s head snapped up. A blanket. Her eyes fell to Cullen, who was standing beside her with a grim look in his eyes and a furrow in his brow. He didn’t say anything. He didn’t try to put his arms around her, or utter words of comfort to her. He just watched her closely, sympathetically.

                “I have to…” Sphaera said, pushing herself to her feet and dragging her sleeve across her damp eyes. “I have to…I have to…” she couldn’t think of what next to say. Her brain knew what she meant, but it wasn’t transferring to her tongue. “I have to kill them.” She said, her rage rising, becoming blinding. All the pain focused on one thing. Revenge. They would not take her husband and her brother from her and not pay for it. “I have to find whoever did this and tear their hearts out of their throats.” She growled, her face contorting with her rage, flames swirling around her prosthetic hand, wanting to be thrown, wanting to be used. Cullen was silent, and so Sphaera pushed past him to get on her travelling clothes, which would provide more armour for her.

                “Wait.” Cullen said. She didn’t stop. “Wait!” he called, more sternly this time, making her pause, her hands balling into fists. “You can’t fight. You are carrying a child, _our_ child. You have to keep yourself safe, out of harm’s way.”

                “I am.” Sphaera snarled, thrusting out her prosthetic and causing him to flinch slightly. “Do you not understand? They will keep killing and keep hurting until they get me! They hurt you, and they hurt Ewen, and they will hurt the child too. I can’t keep running! I can’t…” she retracted her prosthetic slowly. “I want them to suffer.”

                “Which is exactly why you should stay here.” Cullen said. “I will handle it.”

                “I need to do this and I will not let you stand in my way.” Sphaera said, straightening her shoulders. Cullen’s face hardened.

                “You don’t want justice. You want vengeance. You need to think about what you’re about to do before you do something you will regret. You may not regret it today, or tomorrow, but you will regret it, and I will not have that for you.” Cullen said seriously.

                “I already regret everything!” Sphaera screamed at him. “It doesn’t matter now. It doesn’t matter!” Cullen slowly walked towards her, brow furrowed in concern.

                “It matters more than ever now. I will handle it. Stay here. Stay in your room and keep yourself safe. Alright?” Cullen asked. Sphaera looked into his eyes. He was concerned, and behind that concern was legitimate fear. She ground her teeth together and pushed her magic down, so her hand was no longer glowing with fire.

                “Fine.” Sphaera said quietly, bitterly. She knew he understood more than she felt like he did.

                “Thank you.” Cullen said. He turned and ran out the door, Dorf following behind him.

                Sphaera stared at the door, and at her brother. She counted the seconds in her head. She came to hate the sight of the back of that door with every passing second. It took her ten seconds before she turned and put on her travelling clothes. Then she cast a barrier around herself and stormed outside after Cullen.


End file.
